How And Why...

How should I tell him that I want him to take my clothes off?

How do I tell him that I don't want to go slow?

Why am I afraid that he doesn't want to love me?

Perhaps it's because I'm scared that he's going to say No.

Friday Fun...

Watching rollies...

Smoking the cricket...

Star Wars Lego in the background...

Tazzie snoring...

Half a cask of Goon...

Stoned.

Crack Whore...

(NB This and the next few entries are from the archives of Me Myself Eye.)

So where was I?

Last Tuesday morning Hubby drove his car to work. Afterwards he went to the Pub. Then he called. Said he would be staying the night at Twink's rather than risk running into any coppers after drinking four schooner's of beer. I told him that was a good idea...

Last Wednesday Hubby rang up. The piece of shit he'd bought for himself had already broken down. He told me where it had stopped and I filled up every last bottle I could find in the house with water and took it to him. I followed his car home and then tried to initiate a conversation...

Me: Did you hear Miss Fancy Pant's has resigned from work? She rang up earlier and asked if I wanted to go out with her for Farewell Drinks?

Hubby: Why did you have a second kid if your only plan was to dump It on me so that you could go out drinking all the time?

Me: If you're going to be like that, when He (little Son) is standing right beside us hearing every word; then I just won't go.

Then his phone rang. It was Golden Shower Boy. I could hear him down the line. I told Hubby I wasn't going out with MFP any more, anyway, and to have a good night with GSB.

A few minutes later Hubby was packing a bag. Leaving. Making damn sure that I couldn't do the same.

MFP cancelled her farewell drinks when I rang and explained the situation; and came up to visit Me instead. A too few many bottles of RTD Bourbon later and we set her alarm for a quarter to seven so I could drive her home in time to have a quick shower before heading off to a job interview. Afterwards I took little Son to school and then went to work. It was a good distraction.

I presumed that Hubby had slept at Twink's. Then I later found out they had had a blow out after only a few hours and Twink had asked him to find somewhere else to go. So he went to the only person who will never judge him for what he's done and put us through. He went home to his Mother's.

NB The blow up between them( as far as I can work out) is that Hubby was out trying to score Coke with the overtime money he had earned the week before; we were going to use it to pay off the kid's Christmas presents and to buy a new barbecue; but he bought the piece of shit car and blew the rest; presumably on drugs (and potentially pro's). When Twink found this out he 'got up' Hubby on my behalf; as those sorts of antics (the drugs anyway) is what my Hubby has always accused me of blowing 'his' money on. Now it was him; and I was at home minding the children, so Twink rightly pointed out the Hypocrisy of his actions. It didn't please him; and neither did it when Daz and Mac put their two cents in a few days, too.

Thursday night I didn't go to the Trivia; that's going to put on hold until after we sort out some access arrangements for the kids...

But he showed up anyway; to get more clothes even though he had packed two bags just the night before. His car wasn't out the front; it was still obviously broken.

Me( nicely, calmly): Having car trouble? I can give you a lift down there if it would help you out?

Hubby: Why are you trying to be nice to me Now? It's a bit late for that don't you think?

Me: I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. If it's over, then now we can start being friends. Don't you think?

Hubby: I fucking Hate you, Buffoon. And I'm never coming back to you.

Me: Okay; so what are you going to do about the dog?

Hubby: Knock it on the fucking head.

Nice.

He was taking his time packing; all the while little Son was following him around like a puppy dog. I just wanted to get out for a while so that he could finish and leave.

Me: Come on little Son. Get in the car. We're going out for a drive.

Hubby: (Snidely) Off to get drugs; I bet.

So what if I was? By then I needed it.

I went up to C's (from work) sister's house. We talked for a good hour while we watched our son's (they are both five) run around fighting over who got to play with the police car.

Then I went home. It was empty. But quiet.

Friday I went to work; then dropped off little Son (to my Mother's) after school. I was at the Pub when Jen Jen sent me a message saying they were at a Different pub. Sometime, in the meantime, hubby rang- abusing me because I had let the mobile phone bill lapse by two days (both our phones are connected on the same bill- though he had jumped to the conclusion I had his disconnected already). He was yelling abuse at me to bring All of his money to him, because he was sleeping in his car on the side of the road and had no money.

Me: I know you're not sleeping in your car. I know you are at your mother's. I've given you three hundred and I have thirty. It's all I've got.

I also told him you can't get blood out of a stone.

So I went to meet Jen Jen; not really expecting to run into hubby; but he was there after all- it was Twink's works' Christmas party. We didn't speak; hubby sat at the other end of the table and then left without saying goodbye. To Anybody.

The rest of us changed pubs. Hubby wasn't there either so I was beginning to think that the coast was clear. A few beers later and we went back to Twink's for a final beverage. I inadvertently (rather drunkenly) fell asleep on one of the lounges upstairs.

When I woke up Twink and Daz were playing on the X-Box. I told them I was going home but Twink told me I was still too pissed to drive and to stay in the spare room instead. I agreed and went up the stairs but then came back immediately with the news...

Me: There's someone in there.

It was news to Twink. A few seconds later we could all hear hubby calling out to Me.

Hubby: Where's that Crack-Whore going now?

I quickly left; telling Daz and Twink I wasn't sticking around for More of the Same.

I got home around five am. Took off my jeans and climbed into my bed.

And then the front door opened...

It was him. I heard him making a coffee, stirring the teaspoon a hundred times more than was necessary. I reached across my bed to slam the door. Shut. When I woke up he had left for work but he had made himself a few sandwiches and left the crumbs all over the bench. It pissed me off that he was eating my food when as far as he knew I had no more means of buying anymore.

NB I know he only came home to make sure I hadn't gone Elsewhere. He has it in his head I've been fucking around. I haven't; but try telling Him that.

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer headache; pumped two Nurophen and a cone into me and then drove down to the Pub. It was about eleven o'clock and the Boys were getting ready to go off and play cricket. I was the first one there; eventually Twink, Daz and Pauly joined me. GSB shuffled in around midday and joined everybody at my table. I ignored him. Our fighting days are Over. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Twink wasn't playing cricket (he has torn ligaments in his knee) so after the cricket team left we made our way down to the next Pub. On the way he told me that he had no idea that hubby had been asleep in his spare room the night before. I had thought he was trying to trick me into going in to the bedroom to 'reconcile' with hubby. He assured me that wasn't the case.

On the walk, Twink told me that hubby had been going around asking Everybody at the pub if they were sleeping with 'his Missus'. Even the Hot Rigger. Pity I hadn't thought of that; it's such a damn shame I adore his wife! Probably the only one he didn't accuse me of being with was GSB.

Anyway; all this time hubby was at work (overtime on a Saturday). I had given him every cent I had of his and had raided the kid's bank accounts of what little they had. When I found out it was Locky's fiftieth birthday I decided to stick around and have a beer with Twink and Mac.

Twink left after a nap; on the promise of a root (off C). Mac and I had a ball, interspersed with seriousness of what was transpiring between hubby and I.

Mac: Do you know he accused me of fucking you, too?

Me: You know what, Maccie? Now is our best chance. I am single. You are single. Twink is at C's. Hubby's not here. No one is Ever going to know. What do you reckon?

For a full second it was serious. And then we laughed our heads off. At the Joke.

Mac: Like That's going to happen.

Precisely. Because we are Mates.

Sunday I went to work; afterwards I went to the Pub for the Fishing Club Christmas party. Hubby wasn't there (though he is a member). I stayed for an hour, had two steak sandwiches and a handful of prawns; and then left as little Son was getting dropped home within the next hour.

I felt like rat shit after work; so I set my alarm for six thirty, so I could wake up and get the kid's dinner. Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

Not ten minutes later- there was a knocking at the door.

Eldest Son opened it; and I instantly recognised the "OH MY GOD" that followed.

I've known that voice for twenty three years.

Wemmaly had arrived...

He Does Look A Little Bit Like Jesus...

I still know exactly how I was feeling when I last listened to this song.

I doubt I'll ever forget Why...

See if You All can work out why.

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When You Were Young"

Lyrics by The Killers

A Blast From The Past...

Two years ago, Today, I wrote this post.

Pretty prophetic.

And seeing as I have not the strength , will or inclination to go into what's been happening in my sorry Life at the moment, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share this with You All instead.

Enjoy...

"The Sorry Bitch Who Caused It All..."

It's ten days til my Hubby's birthday. Another year older and as discontented with his life as I am with mine.

So we have our good moments. But it's not enough for either of us and we're just looking for an excuse- a chance to blame the other- why we failed, until we break up. Sometimes that is what I want; but mostly I need to be with him. Even when I could tear my hair out by the handful; even when I wish I had the nerve to just destroy myself from the inside out; or curl up and just die- I hold onto the thought that he loves me.

I don't know why he does but I know he does- for some reason. I don't deserve it; I'm too messed up.

I want him to find me right now- here- spilling these tears that I keep inside me all the time that can't come out. I feel so lost; no one understands me. Not even me. Why do I act this way; the way that I do? I'm so scared of losing everything so I drive it away before I can lose it. No one else would put up with me. Everyone else would leave or cheat on me and yet he doesn't. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want to hurt me or if it's because he doesn't want to be the one to cause our breakup. So he doesn't feel responsible- like he did the best he could and can be a martyr. That's maybe why I stay and put up with all the shit too.

I don't want to be the sorry bitch who caused it all to fall down. I don't want to be the one who ends it. That would make me the failure yet again; someone who can't keep a job, or a course or a relationship from failing.

I know I go on with crazy shit but at the time it's happening I feel perfectly justified; it's only afterwards that I look at my actions or words and decide I went too far. I try not to say anything half the time but then he badgers or goads me into an argument; or sometimes it's me who wants a fight. But I can't understand why he's still here when he obviously doesn't want to be. And I'm not sure that this will work out anymore- even though I used to be so sure that it would. I don't know that we are right together or even if either of us want to make it right. Or believe that it could be better.

We can't communicate. I can't understand him and he can't understand me. Christ only knows how hard I try and understand him- he doesn't even know that; how much time each day I think about Us and why things are shit. It's not supposed to be easy but surely it's not meant to be this fucking hard.

I don't think things could be much worse between us. I only have this blog to talk to; it's the only thing I can talk to and be heard- and that's a pretty dismal statement right there. I don't want to worry anyone. I want to be able to cop shit on the chin and take everything in stride but I'm losing. Again. And who needs to hear my shit? Who would even care to know it?

Now I just feel sorry for myself as usual.

I want to go to bed but I don't even know where I'm welcome to sleep- and the only reason I know I'll be able to go to sleep is the four beers I drank earlier and the tired eyes I have from crying and snotting all over the table cloth.

My Life- all that it encompasses- just sucks shit today. It'll be the same tomorrow and the day after that and the next and the next.

I'm tired of making excuses. I just can't do it anymore.

A Sory Story...

So the Shit hit the fan.

Next morning I rang Twink and told him Myself that I'd busted him out to C.

Twink: Thanks a fucking lot. No wonder she cancelled our date today.

Then he hung up. I messaged him back and said I wasn't expecting his forgiveness any time soon.

Twink: Get fucked. Hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame because you're never welcome at my house.

I can't remember my exact reply; something to do with C being my friend.

Twink: Moral crusader. How 'bout telling Jeffro what (his wife) A did?

Me: That's not the same and you know it.

Twink: Fuck off.

Me: Don't blame me 'cos you can't keep your cock out of X's mouth.

Twink: I blame you 'cause you can't keep your fucking mouth shut.

Me: C is my friend. She deserved to know.

Twink: So is Jeffro and Miss Fancy Pants but you don't say anything to them. Get your own shit together before making excuses for being a bitch.

Me: Stop being a hypocrite.

Twink: Are you for real? You are the biggest hypocrite I know. What's good for one is good for everyone. Look it up it's under Buffoon.

Me: Under Twink.

Twink: The Moraliser. You're going to lose for it. I'm not going to forget what you did.

Me: I don't expect you to forgive or forget.

Twink: That's why you are a fucking bitch. Lose my number and don't come near me.

So I went to the Pub that very afternoon. He messaged Hubby and said that he would see him at the Pub as long as I wasn't there. Like he was barring me. As Hubby said it's not up to him where I drink. Unbeknownst to Me, Twink was across the road at the bottle shop buying smokes. When he came back over I looked him in the eye and gave him a raised eyebrow.

Twink: Stop following me.

Me: I'm just having a cigarette Twink.

And so on it went. He sat on the other side of the Pub with big Pak. Hubby and I sat with Mac and the others. At one point Hubby and Twink were outside together arguing over me. Mac and a few others asked me Why I'd busted him out and not others( especially why I hadn't told Jeffro what I knew about his wife) No one seemed to understand why I'd dogged out a mate of over ten years to a chick I've barely known a year.

Me: Because I couldn't break Jeffro's heart. And because he hasn't asked the question.

Twink overheard.

Twink: Then I'm going to get him to ask you That question. Then you'll have to tell him. Won't you.

We started yelling at each other in the Pub; Twink was bringing up Everybody's secrets. M the Publican shouted at us that nobody there was there to listen to our crap. I acknowledged that she was right and Hubby and I left.

The next day Hubby and Twink had to play cricket; and Jen Jen and I organised ourselves a night out at the pub where she works. I had a great night talking to her friends and Boss. When the pub shut we moved the party to a nearby house; and about midnight Hubby, Twink, Fido, Bar Chick and Daz all turned up. I was playing pool with a guy called Gonzo; he was probably in his mid forties. He said I was the Best Chick there. Hubby must have overheard him.

About two we all walked back to Jen Jen's to go to bed. I had left my car and work clothes there for the next day. Hubby and Twink were having an argument about me in the back yard. Hubby was inferring that Twink only slept with ugly women and that he should do something about it.

Hubby: I've only slept with five chicks and Buffoon's the ugliest one I've fucked.

I wasn't happy. Maybe I even over reacted. But I drove home at two thirty with a belly full of piss.

Next morning I went to work. Hubby rang at nine thirty; abusing me for leaving him at Jen Jen's without any way of getting home. I told him I was at work and hung up. He called back and told me I was bitch. I hung up again.

It was a long hot day. My 2IC was riding me like a Bitch. She sent me upstairs to redo the shower in 303. I went back down to tell her that 303 was in fact a disabled bathroom and, as such, didn't have a shower cubicle. She took me back upstairs and pointed out a black streak on the floor that the vacuum had left ( vacuumed by someone else after I'd finished cleaned the room) and a few stray pubes that had also been missed. All the while 2IC was inferring that I was 'seedy' and constantly asking if I was okay; despite my assurances to her that I was just hot and working hard.

After work I went to the Pub. Hubby was there with Twink. I sat with them. All had been forgotten, apparently, after they'd been on the piss for a few hours. Little Son was getting dropped home at two thirty so I only stayed for a quick couple and then we left.

Monday I worked. 2IC looked me up and down in the elevator.

2IC: Are you still seedy?

Huh? It had been forty hours since I'd driven home from Jen Jen's.

I was doing kitchens as Kritta prefers to do bathrooms. 2IC had also put two new girls together; so that even though Kritta and I had two extra rooms than they did we still finished way ahead and then had to stay back to help them finish their work as well. We decided to only make the beds for them; after all we'd already done our fair share of bathrooms and kitchens.

2IC had started the room checks. She was being pretty picky; sending me back into two rooms to clean a spot (from the roof) out of the microwaves. She was just about to chip me for one of the kitchens that the other's had done when Kritta told her we were only doing the beds for them. She backed off; but not before asking for the hundredth time if I was 'okay'; still inferring I was hungover or pissed.

Anyway; that's all sorted now. J (my Boss) came back and must have have a good talking to her. 2IC's been nice as pie ever since; probably something to do with the fact she's still on Probation...

So we're up to Wednesday; aren't We?

I picked Hubby up from the Pub and we were on our way to KFC to pick up dinner for the kids. I still had the shits at him for calling me the ugliest chick he's ever fucked. And for not saying sorry or for taking it back. I mean; he apologised to Jen Jen straight away when he found out he'd taken her smokes. Even though he texted it. Even though he had to ask Twink and I how to even spell it.

Hubby: You don't spell it that way do you? Isn't it spelt S..O..R..Y?

Just goes to prove how little He's used the word in his life.

Anyway; the mood changed. As we were going through the drive-thru window Hubby told me that he already had a fuck lined up for Friday night.

Hubby: Probably two.

Me: Good for you. Maybe I should've fucked the person I liked three years ago then.

He only heard the words 'fucked' and 'three years ago'. And I only said it to get him to get out of the car. It worked. He got out and walked to Golden Shower Boy's (did I forget to tell You All he's back). I could still see him walking down the road when I texted him.

Me: Don't rely on GSB for a Pro. He can't get a sure thing. I've worked you out, Hubby. You can't even masturbate even though you are the only one you care about. Good luck to you. Mate.

The kids and I ate tea and went to bed. Around four thirty I woke up and went to the toilet. I went into the kitchen to have a smoke and heard a stirring in the lounge. He'd crept back in and was asleep on the couch. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep for ages.

Next morning he didn't wake me up to drive him to work; he had obviously decided to have the day off. I dropped little Son at school and went to work myself. It was an early day; I stopped into the Pub on my way home. Hubby was at the bar when I got there but he ignored me. I sat with Jeffro and his work mates. Hubby sat with GSB out in the beer garden. I left at three and picked up little Son from school. I asked him what he wanted for tea. He said that he wanted McDonald's.

Now I know that they had KFC the night before. I usually only get the kids take-out once a week. But I figured Hubby was going to be at the pub with GSB for quite a while. And then, at about half past five, Hubby turned up at home. He wanted to know what dinner was and I told him I was getting the kids McDonalds. He told me he didn't want that so on the way I stopped at the IGA and got him a t-bone and macaroni to go with veges.

He was yelling at me when I was leaving to go to trivia; I was yelling back. Something about how I own nothing in this house.

Me: Look around you, you fucking idiot. Everything that's in there is Mine.

When I got to Trivia GSB was sitting with Fido so I joined another team. We won. On the way home I dropped into Mac's to pick something up. I got home about eleven thirty. As usual.

Hubby was asleep in our bed; all the lights were off. I went into the kitchen and turned on the light; only to find the sink full of smashed plates. I stormed in and woke him up; ranting and raving. Wanting to know Why he had smashed everything in front of the kids just because he was angry at Me.

NB I found out later he had been reading my blog. He told me that I was living in a fantasy land and that the drugs were getting to me if I believe that any of That had happened.

Hubby: They aren't here anymore. DOCS took your kids away.

NB His mother works for DOCS and I knew that he was implying the kids were with her. Still; I was less than impressed that he had packed them up and sent them over there. I was like a women possessed; calling him every insult I could think. That's when he came for me.

It was over in a minute or so. He'd grabbed me by the throat and was banging my head into the wall; not hard enough to break me but hard enough for me to know he meant business. I know he could hammer me into the wall if he wanted to. That's why I don't fight back.

It ended. He wanted to go back to bed. I was telling him to get out. Yelling it. Glad now that the kids weren't there. He wasn't going to leave; this much I knew. Then I did something I've never done. I called the police on him. By the time they arrived an hour and half later he had left in a taxi for (I presumed) Twink's. I rang my Mother-in-law and asked her when the kids were coming home. I told her what had happened and was surprised by her reaction.

MIL: In his defence, Buffoon, he didn't even know when you were coming back.

That's bullshit. I was at the Trivia. Where would I have gone?

Friday morning I took little Son to his Speech therapy; then dropped him to school. I went from there over to my best mate, M's. Then I went and visited my other mate, CC. They both agreed I had done the right thing and that space and time apart was what we needed; to cool down, work out what we both want.

After I left CC's I came home for a lie down. Before I did I sent Hubby a message. It's the only way I know to get him to listen to me.

Me: I was angry and scared. I love you and don't want to lose you but I want some time and space away from you.

He rang. He told me that I'd have to get my head sorted. I told him he had to acknowledge the domestic violence. He denied it.

Hubby: My plan was to go and get shit-faced tonight. If you want I can come up and we can talk but I'm not going to listen to your bullshit.

Me: Then I think you should come have a shower and get some clothes and then go out and get shit-faced like you planned.

He came at the same time as his Mother was collecting little Son (I was working on the Election all the next day and Hubby was playing cricket). We had a brief chat in the kitchen.

Me: I want a month. I want you at Twink's for a month. I want you to go away and find out who you are; and I'm going to do the same. I want to aim for Christmas. I don't want It like This anymore.

Hubby: Sort out your head first.

Then his mother gave him a lift to the Pub. I presume he got shit-faced on Ecstasy. I went out for a few drinks with CC's sister and her friends. Hubby rang to see where I was. I pointed out again that I wanted time and space.

Hubby: I'm fucking shattered Buffoon.

Me: I know Hubby. That's why we both need this.

The next day I worked fifteen and a half hours as a Polling Official; which was only made bearable by the result- a Labour victory at long last. On my way home I tried to phone Hubby to see if he had gotten something done for me in the day that I had asked him to do. When he didn't answer I assumed he was still at the Pub or at Twink's. Then the phone rang.

Hubby: I'm at home. C dropped me here. I didn't do that thing you asked. I'm trashed. I'm going to bed.

That's not what I wanted. I wanted a month. Still; I knew better than to wake him up. I gave C a call and asked her if she wanted to meet up with me and my Sister (she's been working on Election all day too) for a drink. She was mortified when she realised that she'd driven Hubby home after learning that I'd had to call the police to make him leave in the first place.

C: I'm so fucking sorry. He said that you had worked it out.

Me: No. I said that I wanted Time and Space away from him.

When the pub shut we went up home for a few bongs. I guess we were a bit loud and woke him up. He came out and accused me of being high on amphetamines.

Me: I've been working all day and had a few beers. You're the one who's been off their head for the last two days.

He went back to bed. My Sister decided to drive home and I decided to stay at C's for the night. I wrote him a note and left. We sat up until the sun came up; she told me about her weekend; the fights between GSB and Twink and Hubby. I told her I was glad that I had missed out.

Me: Welcome to My life.

The next day C had to pick up her kids, so she dropped me home. The smashed plates were still in the sink. Hubby was back at the Pub. I had a snooze for an hour then had to leave to collect Eldest Son and take him to the closing night of the play he's been in.

I got kebabs for tea on the way home. Hubby wasn't back.

He rang.

Hubby: Can I come sleep there? I need you to take me to work tomorrow. I'll sleep on the couch.

Me: Okay; on the couch it is. I still want that time, remember?

He came home. Ate his kebab. And went straight into bed. I went into him and asked him to go on the couch. he wouldn't; but said he would vacate when little Son and I went to bed and all the lights were off.

He did.

Yesterday; he didn't wake me up to drive him to work. He lay on the lounge and watched television while I washed the dishes in my biggest boiler (the sink still full of broken plates) and spent an hour or so cleaning up around the yard and hanging out the washing. Then I messaged Bar Chick to see if she wanted to go out for lunch with me. She said yes so I left.

Around four thirty he showed up at home. In a car that he'd bought. Now he doesn't need me to get to work. It's a relief and a weird realisation all at once.

That he doesn't need me now.

I wonder if that means he no longer wants Me,too.

Kritter...

Are you reading this too, Kritter?

Because I know your Mum (my boss J) does.

Say hi if you are. Or else you'll Never be a member of the A-Team.