Moving On...

(NB Same old story; Different Day...)

Note To Self?

Wake the fuck up.

And Your Good Self?

You've put me through Hell.

And back.

Now you want Me back?

What we had? Well; it's all gone now.

So go and Get Yourself Fucked, already.

I have.

Get This...

Straight.

I owe you fucking Nothing. Not one fucking Thing.

Tazz is who I'm missing. It's his company; Not yours: that I want tonight.

He has Never disrespected me...

He's Twice the person that you are even capable of being.

I don't give a fuck what you think you know, hubby.

You're the one who wants ME back.

So I don't have to hear the abuse any more.

If I'm as fucked as you say, then leave me be.

I've proven to Myself that I don't need you now.

You think you stand a chance of getting me to love you again?

I don't think I could put myself through it...

You haven't changed.

You never will.

You'll never listen.

You'll never understand.

This is why it's Over.

This is Why...

I'm moving On.

Daymare...

Still playing along at home?

Nothing current here, Folks; just trying to complete the Transplant. Still.

Now I'm Jobless I've got no more excuses...

Quite weird to re-read this shit; I'd forgotten a lot of what's happened.

All I know is I can't wait for 2008 to Fuck Off. It's been a frigging living Daymare!

Where I'm At...

His sister drove him over tonight so that he could get more clothes. Little Son bombarded him as soon as he walked through the door.

LS: Can I stay with you Dad?

Him: Not tonight Matey. I'll be here on Sunday. I promise.

He had better be.

I asked him whether he would come to the RTA to fix up the registration. He said he would. He asked me What Day? I told him Wednesday. He said he'd call me about it. I wanted to tell him I'd see him on Saturday at Twink's birthday. But I don't know if I'll even go yet.

I'm supposed to ring Wemmaly right now; I hope to find out when she's moving back to Town. I need to start looking for houses. Yesterday. But then I lost the keys to my new car and I haven't had a spare set cut yet; so I'll be hoping to find them before the weekend's out. They are in the house somewhere because I managed to drive the car here. One good thing about it; No One came down on me for my absentmindedness. For a change...

So that's where I'm at. Trying to remember that something good might come out of this. For the four of Us. However separate We are.

And now You All will have to excuse me...

Because right Now all I want to do is put on his jumper.

And cry.

5.37 PM...

Monday afternoon. After work.

I was sitting with Kasper at the Pub; admiring his stitches and discussing how the Hot Rigger had pushed into him while he was carrying a stack of glasses. Then hubby walked in with Twink and Fido. They all had a roster day. I was half way through my first beer...

Him: Nice of you to tell me you were coming to the Pub. Didn't think to ask if I might've wanted a lift?

Me: I only just got here. And remember (our conversation about It being Over)?

Him: (under his breath) Fuck you, then.

I went inside and sat with Mac's brother Jeffro. I hadn't seen him since his birthday. He used to be best mates with Jessie (the guy I went hunting Friday night) and so I quietly told him what was going on with hubby and what I'd been up to.

Me: If you see Him; you tell him for me...Buffoon's looking for him.

He said that he would.

Then I had to collect little Son and make a trip to the RTA to change over the registration papers of the new car we just bought. I asked hubby if he wanted to come now or later (we were still staying there Together at this point). And he told me After.

So I got little Son. We were in the RTA and I'd left my phone in the car. I'd only been inside for about ten minutes but when we got back to the car the phone was ringing off the hook. It also said I had three missed calls.

I rang him.

Him: What's your fucking caper? Not answering your phone?

Me: I told you I was going to the RTA.

He was yelling shit; not listening again as I tried to justify his stupid accusations. I hung up. He rang again and I listened again to his Shit before yelling back that I wouldn't be much longer and then hung up again.

I drove out to CC's to pick up the chairs we'd left there after the Spit Roast on the weekend; mainly because hubby had gone off at Me so bad for lending them in the first place- worried that we'd never get them back. Anyway; I was halfway there; so I drove over to get them. We were just getting them out of the shed when he rang again.

Him: Where the fuck are you now?

Me: CC's. I'm just picking up the chairs while I was out this way.

Him: That's not what you fucking said.

Me: You didn't give me a chance to say Anything.

Him: Fuck your Fucked.

About this point I hung up again. When he rang back again this time I gave the phone to CC to answer.

CC: It's CC, hubby.

You could hear him ranting down the phone at her; just like he does to Me.

CC: She hasn't said Anything like that. She only came to get the chairs.

He wouldn't listen to her either and so she handed the phone back to me. I listened for another minute then hung up on him again; but not before he said...

Him: Fuck you. Bring me my money and I'll stay at Twink's.

I dropped him down five hundred bucks; pretty much all of it. He told me he'd be up in a while to pack a bag.

Me: Fine. You won't be missed.

He made the 'crazy finger'; implying I was fucked in the head. As I drove away I yelled at him to remember that I was the one who had left him.

An hour later Mac drove him up to get some stuff; and in the process he happened to grab most of My 'stuff'. He doesn't even smoke the shit himself. I went after him into the bedroom and pushed my hand into his pocket.

Him: Don't fucking touch me Buffoon.

Me: Just give me back my pot Prick.

Him: Fuck off.

Mac said bye as they left. At 5.37pm I rang Centrelink and told them I wanted to change my Circumstances. Sometime during being on the phone I realised the irony of touching him for perhaps the last time Ever I was trying to get shit off him. Pretty sad, hey?

So it's sorted, Folks. I'm officially a Single Woman. At least I will be once the ink has dried. There's no divorce to sort through; being as he never once even asked me to marry him in all those years.

I guess he didn't think I was worth it.

Then I rang M. Then Wemmaly (hopefully, and things are looking good- we might move out together, me my kids and Lifelong friend); and hubby can have this place back in a few weeks). Then my Sisters. And Mother. She said in six months time I'll wonder why I didn't do It years ago.

Then Miss Fancy Pants rang; with the exciting news she's flying out to Thailand in a few days and wanting to know if I wanted to go out for a Farewell drink later in the week. I told her what was happening; and within the hour she was on doorstep with a six pack in her hand. We cooked an omelette at midnight and she slept on the lounge.

My Alibi.

I had a sleep in the next morning; then got up and took the kids to school and went to work. Pretty much the same day except without him in it. After school was over little Son and I went over to CC's so that I could Vent.

The phone rang. It was hubby.

Me: Hello

Him: I've only been gone for one day and You're already dumping your kids on your mother's doorstep and are out all night on the piss...

Me: Leave me alone will you? I was fucking Not. I don't know where you heard That from. I had little Son all night with Me and eldest Son goes there Monday nights anyway (because he has a piano lesson in the morning). For your information Miss Fancy Pants came up and slept over. Check your facts first.

I hung up; knowing full well that Me having Miss Fancy Pants over was probably driving him insane with jealousy. He needn't have worried; because whatever little Fantasy hubby has of ever being with MFP will Never happen after the little chat me and her had. I made sure of that.

This was three nights ago. And we've had no contact with each other since.

I must admit I haven't felt Much; except anger that he hasn't even bothered to contact either of the kids. Eldest Son is coping better than I am with it all; but then he's Always been my staunchest support. Little Son wants to know if Daddy is still coming to his birthday. It's not until January but I guess it's playing on his mind.

Little Son: I thought Daddy said he was going to fix this house.

I did too, Darlin'...

So did I.

He Drove Us There...

So much to say...

After work. Friday. I was picking him up. I'd told him it was Over the night before. But that I'd still be here with the kids- at least until I'd made further arrangements. Because living with my Mother again would just about kill Me I think.

I retaliated first but I'm sure that it was justified.

Me: I thought I told you that it was over last night. I haven't taken that back you know. That still stands.

Then after no deliberation I high tailed it out of there. On a mission. To find Jessie; though I got kicked out of no less than three establishments for wearing thongs and being inebriated. Even though I told the Bouncers at the door I was only "looking for Somebody. Somewhere along the way I ate a kebab. Then; as a last resort I ended up at a gay bar.

He's Somebody I haven't seen in ten years. Someone who I Know has the Perfect Penis.All eight and a hakf inches of perfection.

And I couldn't find him again.

So I went over to Twink's. By now the cab fares were really starting to hit the hip pocket. My friend's Jen Jen and Daz and Lorne were there; while hubby (Notice that he's lower case) was unknowingly asleep upstairs in the spare room.

Now Lorne is my Mate. From the Fishing Club. Of which I'm a member of. And he's a good mate of Mac's which makes him a good mate of mine. But he's also a Pisces. Like hubby. So I took very unkindly to his demeaning and fucked up comments that peppered our 'conversation'...

Him (Lorne): Suck my whistle Bitch.

This was when I backhanded him across the face. I even vaguely remember doing it. It felt great.

Me: Don't fucking speak to me like that Prick. Just because No one is paying attention to you.

Him: Fuck you're a Bitch.

Me: You fucking deserved that.

About Then- hubby flew down out of the spare bedroom where he'd been sleeping- yelling at Me to stop "getting up his mate".

Me:(to hubby) You keep the fuck out of this. You don't have any idea what's this even about. This is between me and Lorne. And Remember what I said about Us?

He slunk off. As always. All Talk. About five in the morning I left them all asleep and went home; although in fact as I recall I learned more than a few secrets along the way. Some things you just don't need to know.

Saturday hubby played cricket up the Bay while I was at a 1st Birthday party of one of our closest friends. Boy is gorgeous. So his his Father; Norty- who's 'married to one of my best mate's CC. They were having a party and cooking a pork spit roast. The party was just around the corner from my mother in laws; and it was pool party- and after cricket finished hubby joined us.

I was off my head but CC remembers telling him to leave Me alone. That he was Unimpressive. I went back to my Inlaw's for the night; but only because that was where our little Son already was asleep in the caravan out the back...

He drove us there. We fell asleep and woke up early because I had to work. Maybe he wanted to touch me; I guess I'll never know now. Little Son went with his parents the next day while I worked and then spent a few hours at the pub. I'd had a missed call from him; he wante dme to bring him home something for lunch. I had been going to go to the Pub with M after work but I went out of way for somebody who treats me like shit most of the time and ordered him a hamburger and piece if crumbed fish. Even though I still haven't we are back together he expects it.

Sunday night; he fell asleep early. He had a roster day on Monday. I worked.

Now I feel like I'm blocking it out...

I'll have to come back to This.

The Straw...

I don't even know where to start...

Tuesday night he wanted to hold Me as we lay beside each other. I let him but I didn't respond in any way. My back to him. Rigid. The hurt; from how he speaks to me when we argue- still too raw for forgiveness. This is when it all might have changed; were it not for one Word.

Aren't I worth a 'Sorry'?

Does he mean the horrible things he says? Am I Really 'Fucked Up' as is his contention? Is my mind a 'Scribble' as he describes?

Wednesday after work I drove him to the Pub. When I got out of the car too, he wanted to know why.

Me: I'm going to the shop to buy mince and taco shells.

He walked away and didn't even say Goodbye. Fine. Let him get his own way home then. Around seven thirty the phone rang. He was getting a lift from one of our Pub mates.

Sometime later he got back. We were doing the small-talk thing in the kitchen when it All started to go belly-up. He started saying something about withdrawing money from his bank accounts on Wednesday and Friday. I presumed because Wednesday was his Payday that he meant he would be getting the money on Wednesday from That account. The Friday money; I Presumed- was coming out of cheque that Hadn't Yet Cleared.

That's Important.

Because after getting the money out of the 'wrong' account ( it's my account but his pay goes into it and I have the keycard) I realised that This was what my major problem was...

Him: You don't fucking listen to Me.

Me: I thought that was what you said.

Him: Where did you get that stupid fucking idea?

Me: I thought I heard those Exact words coming out of your mouth. I thought I was doing the right thing. Last night; when you were telling me that you were going to 'Pay this and Pay that' and then 'buy yourself a motorcycle' and you said Something about withdrawing money on Wednesday I took That as meaning the money in the account that your pay goes into on Wednesday. I was trying to do the right thing. See? I even made a fucking list of things that you wanted me to get done today. Here it is written Here, see? Get one thousand dollars out of X Bank.

Him: See? There You go again. Always trying to cover your tracks. Always justifying the shit things you do. Why would I have asked you that? To get money out of Keycard Account that we can access anytime of the day or night? Only a Fuckwit does that.

Me:(yelling) I shouldn't Have to justify anything. I thought that's what you wanted me to fucking do. I presumed wrong, okay? But never mind. I can put the money back In that account. In fact, I already Have; after the way you carried on about it this afternoon.

Him: You're fucked in the head. Why would you put that money back Into the bank?

Me: To fucking fix this.

Him: You still don't even know why I'm pissed off at you, do You?

Me: Because I took money out of the bank?

Him: No. Because you don't fucking listen. And you bag me out to all your friends.

Well; that point may be true. But Don't fucking Listen?

I could tell you Every nasty thing he said to Me. Maybe because I listen to well.

Me: Well; You don't let me Speak.

Him: You don't even understand plain English. Your mind is a Scribble.

Me: I have a degree in English and you are Dyslexic. That's not being nasty; that's just True.

I think it was at this point that a strange calm- or some sort of delirium- washed over Me. As he sat on the front step of the verandah( I was inside at the kitchen window) smoking a cigarette telling me how Fucked I Am I just thought to Myself; You know what, Buffoon? You don't deserve Any of this. Don't feel bad that it's over. Just do what You know you've got to do. Because this is Never going to change.

Did You All just hear that fucking Snap?

That was The Straw.

Breaking.

Miss Understood

Hope you don't mind me blurting this out to You but I need to write it somewhere and my blog isn't safe for what I want to say...I'm such a selfish mother fucker!

I've cut the Bond emotionally. That it's over. Tomorrow I'm going to do it financially. The Baby that he is needs me to iron out the details but I will if that's what it will take to be rid of his emotional torment and abuse once and for all.

I've been told to Get Fucked once too many times I'm afraid. This time I think I can see a way clear. Of him.

Thanks for your support Babe. It has meant All the difference. I no longer see Myself as the Scribble of the Mind (as he describes our interactions).

I am Me. So be it. And I am alright. One day Wemmaly and I- in our new lives- shall visit the UK and make you drink with us as punishment.

I can't wait...

Buffoon xx

Take That...

In an Update...

Miss Fancy Pants just called.

MFP: Hello Luvvy; I don't suppose that you're sitting anywhere inside a Pub right now are you?

Me: Not Me; though the Boys (Hubby and Twink) are. They're down there now.

MFP: Fuck sitting around with them. I'll just get a six pack of something and head on up.

Take That Hubby.

Go And Get Fucked...

Despite last week's kerfuffle with Twink I went to the trivia on Thursday night as usual. And when we won- this time by five points- there was no dispute over Me being the Weakest Link.

Hubby and I weren't speaking much to each other. He had the shits at Me for something small. He'd rung from work a few hours ago saying that he was staying back doing some overtime and could I pick him up late. I told him I could; although admittedly I did inwardly groan at the idea. With the Mother-in-law picking up both of the kids at three o'clock picking him up late was going to cut into my drinking and Trivia time. Anyway I said I'd pick him up late and had every intention of doing just That; then went and had a late lunch of KFC with my best mate M.

An hour later we'd finished and were just driving back towards her house when my phone rang again. It was Hubby; telling Me he'd changed his mind about doing the overtime and could I pick him up straight away. He said that as he didn't realise we didn't have the kids tonight we could both go to the trivia.

Me: Fine Good. Are you ready now?

Him: Yes. (Suspiciously) Who's that in the background?

Me: M. We've just had a late lunch. Say hi, M.

M: Hi Hubby.

I picked him up and dropped him straight at the Pub. Then I took our new car home; I've only had it for two days so I don't want to start off on the wrong foot by drinking and then driving home. At least not on the very First time I'm out on the piss.

By chance the Mother-in-law is driving My way so I scabbed a lift. I was going to walk. When I got there Hubby and Peaky were playing the Pokies. Peaky won five hundred bucks and offered to shout our table dinner. Hubby lost one hundred and fifty and had the shits.

I wasn't hungry after my late lunch so I thanked Peaky and declined his offer. Hubby wasn't impressed.

Him: You can go and get Fucked then.

Me:(implying Something else) I haven't done anything to deserve how you speak to me.

Him: Why aren't you going to have anything?

Me: Because I had a late lunch with M. She was in the car when you rang remember?

Him: Fuck off (etcetera)....

I went outside and had a cigarette. M and Jazz were eating dinner in the beer garden. I told her the story and she looked incredulous but told Me not to take it to heart too much and that he was just pissed at himself for losing on the Pokies.

I don't care. I don't deserve how that Prick speaks to me.

He left after tea in a Taxi without saying goodbye. Our Team won the trivia. I was blind. I vaguely remember Twink driving us back to his house for cones. Mac woke up and came downstairs too. And then, over the course of about an hour and because they are my best friends (of the male variety at least) I proceeded to spill my guts. I didn't even have to tell them His name. When I told them I was having text sex with someone last weekend Twink guessed who it was straight away.

Twink: Hottie. Even Hubby can see that.

Me: Has he said something?

Twink: Not really. But you do know Hubby would bash the fuck out of him if he ever found out you did anything with him?

Me: What for? For being nice to me? Don't I deserve being nice to?

Twink: And why would He leave Minnie for you? She's fucking hot!

Me: Well 'Der. Worse; she's also really nice and I'm not going to be That Bitch who hurts her. I know Hottie's not going to leave me for her. Why would he? He's Happy.

Trusting Mac is never a question. Twink, however, is also Hubby's best mate. And he's a smart arse towards Me when the two of them are together. Anyway; on it went until two o'clock. Then Twink lent me money for a cab. It took an hour to arrive. I had three hours sleep before Hubby smacked my foot awake. At a quarter past six I drove him to work. Neither of us spoke a word.

I forced Myself to stay awake when I got home; had a shower instead and got ready for work. And though I might've felt like shit I put in the hard yards; at first with J and then our new 2IC Mish. Our Maintenance Guy noticed I was in a particularly odd mood and asked Me why. And because he (MG) used to go to school with Hottie and Daz and knows who they are I told him. J, my Supervisor at work who reads this blog, listened on with interest; especially when we worked out that She had met Hottie last year at the work Christmas Party. Then we worked out that Suey knew Him, too. It really is a small World.

The advice from each varied. One says to go for it. Another says that I'll only regret it. And then there's M; who doesn't even realise the extent that I've even Considered doing it.

After work I collected Hubby. We only talked about what shit we were buying to get us through the weekend. Then we went to the Raffle. I won the first meat tray.

Hubby was putting more through the Pokies. I went outside for a smoke and stood beside Twink.

Him: You're going to be happy when you see Who's just walked in.

Me: Fuck up about it will you? I'm hardly going to exacerbate a Situation that's Not even going to happen, am I?

He kept up the jibes...

Him: Why don't you go over and sit with him and Minnie?

Me: All I've done is admitted to you that I like Somebody who seemed to like me and treated Me with a bit of respect. That's not a crime, is it? To like someone?

Then my phone rang. It was Wemmaly. It was great to catch up with her. She's decided to move back here to our Town and will be staying here at my house until she lands a job and place of her own. I'm looking forward to having her back in my Life again; it was six years too long Honey.

Sometime during our phone call Hottie and Minnie came outside for a cigarette...

Minnie: (excitedly) Hey there Buffoon!

Me: (waving) Hi Minnie. Hello Hottie.

He smiled and waved back; somehow without even a hint of recognition. I went back to my phone call and when it was over I looked around but they had gone. And that was for the best.

Hubby and Twink left early because they both had to work in the morning; but Jen Jen and I were still keen to drink so we ended up going out into Town and then I slept over at her house. The next morning I was still drunk when I began drinking again.

Saturday around lunchtime I called C from work; to see if she was still coming out with Us for the day. She was; so I met her at the Pub. Four beers later we met up with Jen Jen and went down to the Park to watch the Boys from the Cricket Club play; where we drank four Vodka Cruisers each; and then when the game was over we all (Hubby included) went back to the Pub and Really got off our heads.

About ten o'clock we left the Pub for Fido's; to drink more and to play pool and darts. Hubby and I were playing it cool; mostly ignoring each other and just having fun with our mates rather than fighting or dealing with each other.

C and Jen Jen were getting on like a house on fire but it was Twink who ended up taking her home. Hubby and I went too; he slept in the spare room where GSB was staying (until last week)and Twink got me a blanky and I slept on the couch. Hubby's last words before going to bed were Go And Get Fucked Buffoon.

Sunday morning I woke up in the same position. Hubby was cooking my meat tray on Twink's barbecue. Mac came downstairs to have his coffee. I spilled my guts.

Me: I've done Nothing to deserve his bullshit except realise that Someone out there might be nice to Me. And I'm not even talking about That Guy. But Why can't I have That, Mac?

Mac: You Should have that Buffoon. But you know that Hubby loves you, don't you?

Me: No Mac. I don't know that at all.

Mac: I've got a Half if you want it.

Me: I'd like that very fucking much.

Mac and I left for the Pub; had a beer and quickly lost money on the Pokies. My phone rang. It was Hubby.

Him: This food is cooked. What are you doing?

Me: Just having a quick beer. I'll be back in five minutes.

I was. C and Twink came downstairs and we all ate breakfast together. I told C the story of GSB and she was horrified to learn that he had smashed two beer bottles on the wall whilst aiming for my face- even more horrified that my Hubby and GSB were still 'Mates'.

I admit I wasn't being very nice in reply to the smartarse comments he kept on making...

Him: Yeah I told Fido I wanted to fuck Miss Fancy Pants. Because who wouldn't? He wasn't impressed.

Me: No wonder he split your lip open. It's not like She would fuck you anyway.

Hubby got up from the table and went over to the computer. He chose a song from the playlist. The first word of the song he chose was;

"Miss Fancy Pants" (Obviously the Girl in question's Real name)

Me: Fuck up Idiot.

Him (to C): Did you know that all my mates except GSB like Buffoon more than they do Me?

C(to Hubby): Your mad. Even I'd fuck your Missus.

Then I had to go; had to finally get back to the kids after this strangely awful yet fun occasion. I gave C a hug goodbye and left Hubby behind.

Two hours later he was home. I was still feeling smashed and little Son was watching a video. And then- for some reason- all night he tried to make advances upon me; only pissing me off further in the process.

Me: Stop trying to grope Me.

Him: You don't like Me.

Me: No. It's You who hates Me.

Monday he stopped trying...

Now it's Tuesday; and I'm Over It.

The Freshman...

Below is a song that reminds me of Someone when I hear it...

"When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
hat made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen
We were merely freshmen

Lyrics by The Verve Pipe...

He sings it so perfectly.

Mr Somebody Else...

He and I might have been perfect in Any other world...

But in My world I have just bought a new bed that I share with my Husband of seventeen years. We have two children; aged fifteen and five. Both were unplanned but then so is Life.

We aren't very compatible. Never have been. People find it surprising to learn that I pretty much stalked him for three years. Sometime during this we had a child. Then, when our Son was about eighteen months old, we finally became boyfriend and girlfriend. He paid rare attention to Me then and he pays rare attention to Me now. It's only because of my loyalty and undivided love for Him that we are still together. Still; I have so much More to forgive him for than he does me. And I haven't crossed a physical line. Yet. At least; it's nothing that wouldn't be forgiven. I just want to make that very clear.

And yet I choose Him. Even throughout the crap...

Tonight Twink messaged Me; asking if my friend C from work was going to be coming out with Us again this Saturday night coming. I messaged her and asked; told her that it was Twink in particular who was inquiring; and that he was wondering if she would like his number. Even to My surprise (lol) she said that she would...

Meanwhile; Twink and I were having a text war. I'd asked him What the cause for celebration was; on what selling point would I get C from work to get a babysitter for her kids in order to come down to satisfy Twink's wishes...

Twink: My salvation (meaning a root for the night).

Me: Thats what Pro's are for. I'll still ask. Behave.

A few texts later he called me by a Name. Will. He knows that it's a sore point. I texted back...

Me: C has your number and sounds keen about Saturday night. This must have Everything to do with the big wrap I've just given you. You can thank Me later.

Twink: Cheers Buffoony. Love ya.

I finished texting Twink and C. Hubby asked what I was up to. So I told him.

Him: What are you; a Pimp or something?

I explained the entirety of the text messages I'd been sending between Myself Twink and C; I didn't know it was wrong setting up two friends for a few drinks on Saturday night; especially they actually met last weekend without me even being anywhere around them at all. C was at the pub with my best mate M and Twink knows that we all work together and that he could contact her again through me or M. He knows Me better than he knows M. Therefore he asked Me. Anyway; Twink and C must have been getting on okay last weekend when they met; she said that he had seemed like a nice guy. The delusional fool!

Anyway...

Hubby: What sort of a Pimp goes out with four condoms in her bag and comes home with four condoms in her bag?

Me: A very good Pimp (ie one that doesn't misbehave).

Hubby: That's 'cos you can't get one.

Me: You mean, 'Don't' (get one).

Hubby: Which is it? 'Cant'? Or 'Don't'?

Me: (looking Him fully in the eyes and telling the Absolute Truth): Don't.

I don't know if this dialogue fully transcends what happened between Us...

But Somehow he knows. And Somehow I just probably told him that I want to fuck Somebody Else but that I'm holding back because of him. For the kids, too. But Mostly for him. Now he just has to figure out Who. And That my Friends, has to remain a secret.

I guess this was my perfect opportunity to tell Hubby about the thoughts I've been having; maybe I would have if he had pressed the issue. But he ended the conversation, there and there, and went to sleep on the couch. And I sat in the corner like I always do; underneath the picture of a Madman- and watched The Chasers War On Everything and I wished that my fingers could be His.

Mr Somebody Else's...

Just You...

I want Him so bad.

Friday night. We ran into each other at the Pub. He was gorgeous; unshaven in a yellow t shirt. I didn't want to leave him there.

We swapped numbers. A little while later he messaged.

"I thought it would be 150 by now."

I can't remember my reply.His was...

"Just You and I'll help you bask."

I think I creamed my pants.

"Just You and I'll help you crack 150"

I said something back to Him. He replied.

"Keep it down"

I can't.

"Cool. I'm just watching porn trying to hit 250"

And then...

"What did you use for 100?"

I told him.

"I'm going for one now; any words to help me on my way?"

And then...

"How?"

And then...

"Where? I have my cock in my hand"

And...

"Just your hand?"

"Tell Me more."

"What does that mean?"

"Send me a rude msg; what you'd do to me and Minnie".

So I told him.

That I'd tongue fuck the Both of them.

My phone rang. And it was him.

Me: I wish I could be there Baby. I want to. Be on your cock. So bad.

I'm scared.

Of how I feel about him. Of missing out on him. There was no way I could meet him or Minnie. Even though that's what I most wanted in the World was. Jen Jen would have been disgusted with me and then I'd have to explain myself to Hubby. I couldn't do this without him knowing. At least I don't think so.

I went to His house at five thirty in the morning. Minnie and he were asleep and didn't hear me knocking at the back door; although their brindle pup Mia did. She wet herself when she saw Me; all over the fake green carpet on His back verandah.

I'm seriously in lust. Yesterday I fucked myself and thought of Him.

He's beautiful. And he likes Me, too.

Bonus.

Unbrimbleable...

Fuck I'm Dirty at Twink.

We were at the Trivia tonight. Me Fido and Twink. Because it's Our thing. Being clever.

I came up with the name for the team. It's a new word that I've coined for the day.

Unbrimbleable.

It sums Me up perfectly. Well; All of us actually. For anyone who wishes to know why please ask.

Anyway. Twink. Pissed me off. I digress.

We won trivia in a final shoot out with The Nevilles. First prize was fifty bucks. Twink told Fido that as "I" was the Weakest Link I was only getting ten bucks out of the kitty. So I spat the frigging dummy. I admit it.

Then he insulted me. Called me Will. A cockhead I know who has given me the shits for months by undercutting my Name. With people I know. At the Pub. In more ways than one. I'd love to elaborate but I can't for the illegalities of the issues. Anyway; he's a Skunk with no backbone to stand on. If he gets a raw deal then he deserves one. Enough said.

So Twink called Me by this guy's name.

And I left the money on the table...

Fido brought it out to me; stuck it in my purse.

I threw it in the Pokies with Toddie. We lost.

Twink left. Later; he messaged me something about being the Wicked Witch of the West and to Get Help.

I told him not to blame the mother of his Baby.

But I doubt Anyone Else would understand Why Besides Us.

What I really want to say to him is that...

You are a Virtual Dirty Sanchez.

And that...

I don't know why I let you fuck Me like this.

98...99...100...

In case anybody has been wondering where I've been I've been on a four day Binge.

Friday after work I took little Son over to Grandma's. Then Hubby and I headed to the Pub. It was good news; Golden Shower Boy has gone away again- at least until Christmas. I hit the piss pretty hard in celebration.

Post- Ecstasy we went to a different pub for a change of scenery. Daz who works in the Bottle shop was there with his Missus. And so was his hot brother and girlfriend who I'd seen before but never met. She was wearing a red polka-dotted dress and reminded Me of Minnie Mouse. So that's what I shall call her.

When the Pub reached closing time Hottie and Minnie invited everybody down to their house to continue the piss up. So that's where Hubby, myself, Twink, Jen Jen and her Daz, and the other Daz and his Missus all ended up for the rest of the night. Hottie played the guitar (he's in a band) and sang.

Fuck I like him. A little too much.

When I first met Hottie two years ago we had an instant connection. He was interested in all the funny things I say. He was laughing so hard he was almost crying. I could tell he was attracted to Me. He's a very touchy-feely kind of guy without being sleazy about it. Or maybe it's just because I liked him touching Me.

He was living in Sydney then; and single. He'd come up about once a month to play in the Band and see his brother. I would make a point of being at every gig; even when Hubby wasn't there. Especially when Hubby wasn't there. Hubby had met him but I considered him to be My friend. I was the one who he had asked his brother about. Daz told me He'd wanted to know if that 'really cute funny girl' would be there the next time he came up to the Pub.

Of course; hearing Myself described that way I made sure that I was.

It's sort of weird for Me to be so attracted to someone's Persona. He's infectious. One night- after the Band had played- we went out together. Hubby wasn't there. I was secretly glad. Hottie and I were very drunk and flirty; bouncing off each other. Feeding off ourselves. He told me he wished we could be Pash-Buddies and I told him that in all honesty I wished that we could too. That there were very few men I've ever met who really excited me like the way he did. Just to be around him. Like my Hubby when I first met him. Or like Jesse. The only men I've ever loved.

I know I could feel that same way about Hottie. So when he asked again if he could kiss me I let him. Only twice. And then I went home to Hubby.

That was ages ago. And like I said he's with Minnie now. And I'm still with Hubby...

But Friday night brought it back. The attraction I feel for Hottie. It's not difficult or awkward. Far from it. I wish I could tell You All the conversation we had about Counting Orgasms but I made him swear a vow not to tell a soul so I can hardly turn around now and break my own rules, can I? Though I suppose I can say that a few times as we spoke he secretly tweaked me through the crotch of my jeans.

Yes. Minnie was there. And Hubby. They didn't see. Though at that point I would have wholeheartedly joined into a foursome if anybody had suggested it. Minnie's hot. And she likes me because Hottie and Daz do. Maybe she would. In my Dreams!

So that was Friday night of my four day Bender. You'll have to come back tomorrow or the next day to find out about Saturday Sunday and Monday.

And for the record Hottie; if You're reading this I've cracked 100.

And I thought of You.

x

John Marcus...

My Sister put it best when she she said...

"My ex-Husband is fourteen years older than me; and my boyfriend is fourteen years younger than me. He's my Boy"

But I don't think I've ever seen a braver Man than that boy. Watching him burying his child. Like the Minister said; there Are no names for people who have buried their own children.

Except Brave.

I'm afraid it was Me who broke down while I looked upon my Nephew for the first and last time. All five hundred and fifty eight grams of Him. My heart broke when I saw him; the tiniest of hats had been placed on his head to 'keep out the cold'.

"He didn't look like that Before". She was trying to explain his wastage. It's been a week since death. She's high (low?) on Valium and booze. And it makes me scared that if she's hiding that from Him then what must he be hiding from her?

Me: He's beautiful Sister. Just the way he is.

And he was.

Perfect.

Told Ya...

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and Today won't mean a thing...

From "I'm A Bitch I'm A Lover"
(lyrics Alanis Morrisette)

Say The Word...

I can Not be Told; I think we've already established that.

But just in case You All need reminding Why...

We were driving along after work. I had just started telling Hubby about the funeral arrangements of my Sister's dead baby for next Monday.

Hubby (interrupting): I've got a roster day on Monday. I've just got to get to the Cricket Club barbecue on Sunday afternoon.

Me: Can I just finish what I was saying about my Sister's dead baby's funeral?

Hubby: I was only saying where I had to be. It's not like there's been a death in your family or anything. Why go and cry over a foetus? It's just an abortion.

Me: I don't suppose you thought I might be going to support my Sister because I love her and she's going through something awful, did you? No. Because you're too selfish to think about anyone but You.

I dropped him off at Twink's house so that they could go to the pub. Little Son was asleep in the car so I left Hubby with him while I ran inside to quickly use the loo and look for my bag that I'd left behind after last Friday night's altercation with Golden Shower Boy. Twink was on the computer but told me where my bag was. It had my diary in it so I was keen to get it back before anyone inadvertently stumbled across it. When I was leaving GSB walked down the stairs. We ignored each other and I left. Hubby went to the Pub with them both. And I don't care what he says.

Cooked Tuscan meatballs for dinner whilst chatting to little Son. I had a few beers and cones. Why wouldn't I? I'd made sure Hubby had enough money to catch to a cab home. If he wants to drink with an arsehole that's his perogative.

This latest saga started with our dog, Chopper...

I found a tick crawling up his leg a few days ago. I told Hubby to mow the lawn and check him over. He cut the lawn; at least now I know how to get him to do it without badgering him about it. But he didn't check the dog. Otherwise he would have found it.

Now; the dog isn't dead. He didn't even get sick. But I Did find a paralysis tick on him yesterday morning. So I plucked it out with my personal tweezers. And then I took little Son to school and then I went and did the grocery shopping. Then I stopped off at the Vets.

To get the Poison.

I dosed the dog before I put the shopping away. It would have been ten thirty in the morning I suppose. The label said it was only poisonous for the next Two hours and to avoid contact with the site. So I did. Have I told you all I wanted to be a vet when I was small? I'm not stupid. And I was helping the dog by safe-guarding him against ticks. He got one last year and aside from nearly killing him it cost us about four hundred dollars. Little Son will be devastated when he eventually carks it...

But even So; I warned little Son about the poison on the dog- even though it's worn into his skin after only two hours. It's rubbed in. Gone. No chance of poisoning. But I still warn little Son about pattig Chopper behind the ears; I tell him that I've just pulled out a paralysis tick and why I'm putting on poison.

And that's what he tells his Dad.

And that's why I get into shit. I'm on the phone when he walks in. On the phone to my Sister who's just lost a baby. We're talking about the arrangements...

Hubby: Why don't you tell me when you've put poison on the dog? Why do I have to hear it from our five year old? I've patted him all over and you had three opportunities to tell me about This this afternoon and yet you haven't.

Me: I'm on the phone to Sister: say hello to Sister (he did).And Isn't it good that little Son listened when I was telling him about the tick poison? And do you know that you've only just walked in home and it's eight o'clock at night?

He berated Me for a good hour. About putting poison on things- and the responsibility that comes with that. And I tried to tell him (I also yelled a fair bit) that if it hadn't been for me then Chopper might have Still had that paralysis tick in his neck. That I did a Good thing by going to the vet; and purchasing the Advantix and then applying it.And warning little Son about it's properties.

Well; you could have fooled Me.

He didn't have a leg to stand on by the time I'd finished with him. I literally tore him to shreds. And then some. He told me I was fucked up and that the Mental Hospital would come and take me away. He told me (again; and when I was begging for it) that I didn't deserve his support when it came to Golden Shower Boy.

But That's the problem. And I've had the Epiphany.


The reason he won't back me up when it comes to GSB is that they might as well be identical twins. They think the same. Scary as that might seem.

That's the reason they Both hate me.

I was pretty fucking funny though. Last night I told little Son to get Daddy to help him with his homework...

Me: Oh; that's right. Daddy can't help. It's too hard for Daddy.

(It is; Hubby is dyslexic. And in Denail about it. Seriously. )

So Today; I've bitched and griped about Hubby to Anybody who will listen. My mate Toddy wants to punch GSB out for throwing the beer bottles at my head. If Anyone could; Toddy could. And one for Hubby for being a cunt.

All I have to do is say the word.

Home Truths...

If you wanna go, Hubby. Go.

Go without feeling.

But look around you before you do go.

Notice that there's Nothing here that's yours?

Nothing that You 'put there'.

It's all mine. Me. So many examples. So why should I be the one who goes?

What?

Do you think you're here because I Made you be here?

Wake up.

Take my tit out of your mouth.

And grow the Fuck Up.

It's Not Easy...

It may sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me

From "Superman (It's Not Easy)"
Lyrics by Five For Fighting

Recollections...

For Those who are interested...

Friday night I dropped the kids off and proceeded on my merry way to the Pub. It was Brettle's birthday. Thirty nine. Not that That has Anything to do with it.

Golden Shower Boy was there in all his glory. Dressed in a flanno and tracky daks. Resplete with Mullet. Need I say more?

I must.

I ignored him for the most part of the night. It was easy. I chatted away to Danny and Chris instead; about their Mum . And Hubby and I had a win on the Pokies. And then I had to drive my car back to Twink's- but even that wasn't a problem; even after having four middys of VB.

Then we got to the next pub; Apparently. I dropped one and a half. And then Hubby told Me to drive the car to the next destination. Now; I'm not stupid. I don't drink and drive just because Someone says so. I do it off my own bat. So there you go. But I was doing okay. I Wasn't all over the road. I didn't deserve the rabbit-punch to the eye that Hubby inflicted. It still smarts. So Pull The Fuck Over.

Jab. Jab.

So I pulled the fuck over. Let Hubby out of the car. Bye. Made it to Twink's.

Then; a little later...

Golden Shower Boy comes into the kitchen where I am sitting. Hubby is asleep on the lounge downstairs. Twink and Mac have gone to bed. I was just about to call a cab.

It Starts. Then Ends. I can hardly remember what was said. It Wasn't from out of nowhere.

GSB: You're a fucking nasty bitch, do You know that?

He gets up; walks towards the spare bedroom (he's been staying at Mac and Twink's place for about a week) and Turns; throwing a full bottle of beer at my head. It misses. So he picks up another and tries again. It- also- shatters on the wall; just inches from my face. I barely moved; just turned my head away from the assault.

Then...from Me...Cool. Calm. And collected as you please.

"Is that It? You are So fucking lucky you missed. Get Fucked Then You Piece Of Shit."

I woke Hubby. Called a cab. Let GSB deal with the broken bottles that should have landed on my face. I told You All he was a nice piece of work. He won't last much longer. Mac wants him out after this.

So we went home. I can't even remember if we fucked to tell the truth. But I hope Not. Then we woke up and went to the pub on a mini pub crawl. We ran into GSB. He had a word to Hubby.

"You're a bigger Man than Me"; GSB allegedly said; shaking Hubby's hand. Is that some sort of an apology do you think? Doesn't it make You wonder what my Hubby thinks about Me? If he can shake the hand of someone who threatens Me (his wife?) with such animosity and violence?

Anyway; so Tonight. After Words...

Hubby: No fucking wonder GSB throws beer bottles at You.

Readers; You could've heard my heart snap.

...

For Fucking What?

Putting up with Me?

Hubby is under the Pretense that Why Ever GSB pegged those bottles of beer at my head that it was for a justifiable reason. And it's my Contention that it's Not. And even if I was off my head my Hubby shouldn't drink with a Cunt who throws full bottles of beer at his Wife's head.

It's not Just Me. Is It?

Tell Me it's Not.

John Doe...

My oldest Sister delivered a baby boy today at around four pm.

He was twenty three weeks old. He lived just two hours.

His name is John Marcus.

RIP Baby Virgo. You were Perfect.

Aunty x

Footnote...

In an added twist...

Last night Golden Shower Boy had an verbal altercation with another of his good mates.

Jazz. He's M's fiance. I've known him since he was fifteen. We met one Melbourne Cup Day in a park; down near the Swimming Pool. We were all underage ( I was seventeen and had just met Hubby) and drunk. Rowie was there.

Anyway; Jazz is a good bloke. And This story isn't about him.

So GSB and Jazz had their altercation. Jazz went home. A little while later GSB sent him a text.

It said simply...

Buffoon.

What the Fuck's with That?

Because I have no idea. Except perhaps he's insinuating Something Bad.

A Piece Of My Mind...

Hubby came home, two nights ago, with this Headline...

"Gee; Golden Shower Boy sure hates you".

Mind You; I had thought the Rift between us had eased. I thought giving him the benefit of the doubt meant the same for Me in return.

Me: What the fuck For This time?

Not that I have to prove Myself.

I didn't throw Him up against a fence and call him a slut because he didn't want to fuck Me. Just for a Start. And That was seventeen years ago. Half my life ago. For half my Life I have had to put up with this Cockhead and his torment and abuse. When he's never once put his cock in Me. Or even kiss Me. All because he is my Hubby's so-called Mate.

It's all Him. It Always has been. And I wasn't even there This time.

It supposedly stems from Friday night...

Maybe it was when I told him where my stash was hiding; when I told him to help himself to my drugs...

No. That can't be it.

Maybe it was after he started to verbally attack me at the Pub because- as he puts it- All women are bitches with forked tongues.

No. That wasn't it either. I walked away from that. And (just quietly) it wasn't easy.

I ignored the text message the following day. After all it Was for Hubby and on his phone; but we'd been fucking all afternoon and He was worn out and sleeping; so I answered it. It was from Golden Shower Boy.

"What are you doin tonight? Not Buffoon."

(To which I was tempted to reply "Twice")

Now I can choose to take this one of two ways (and I have a different accent for GSB depending on which emphasis I choose)...

Either; GSB meant what was Hubby up to; but that I wasn't invited along- or (more likely) it was a sexual connotation meaning Hubby could choose who he fucked for the night- but that it didn't have to be Me. I choose the latter. Because he is a Misogynist and women are just animals wanting (and waiting) to be fucked. By him preferably. How do you spell Yerk?

NB Female readers will appreciate my friend Angie; the sweet and cute twenty five year old barmaid (not Bar Chick)- who only knew Golden Shower Boy for a total of four sentences before announcing he was the biggest cunt she'd ever met in her Entire life.

Hubby won't tell me all the details yet; and I've still got to talk to Twink and Fido. But from what I can gather GSB started talking about Me as soon as they left the shelter of the Pub. Where Macca or Milko or Grassy or Frank or Lorney or even M the Publican would have defended Me to the hilt. And that was his Big mistake. He chose to bitch about me to my friends. They aren't my Mates. They are Friends. People I genuinely care about. Fido and Twink. GSB's mates. Hubby's mates. But my Friends.

And yes; Hubby was there.

He let GSB slander our relationship. He let him question my fidelity. Twink, Fido and Jazz all told GSB to 'can' it but for some reason he cannot let it go. The problem he has with Me. I'll spell it out for You All.

He hates Me, because- aside from his mother and sister- I'm the next-longest female relationship He has. And he hates that I reject his sexual advances. He is as stimulating as molestation. In fact; that's what you feel like after a conversation with him. Raped.

GSB: Why are you with a slut like Her?

I don't Need Hubby to justify why he's with Me or why he stays with his children. I need him to stand up to the Prick when he slags me off. I'm his wife. I should mean more to him than a drinking buddy does. You wouldn't think I'd have a problem convincing Hubby of these facts; but I do. Hubby tells me he has it sorted; that he told GSB he's with me because he loves me and because I'm the mother of his two kids.

Me: I can't wait 'til I see that Prick. I can't wait to ask him to tell me his problems with Me to my face.

Hubby: You're as fucked as He is.

Me: No. I'm fucking Not.

Call Me crazy. But I want to have it out with this Cunt. I Need to know why he hates me so much. I'm sick of giving this Prick second chances.

But I also need Hubby to show a bit of spine. To stand up to this Fuckwit. Once and for all. To stop drinking with and speaking to the Missing Link who is GSB. I'm not afraid of a 'man' who waits until his female 'Nemesis' is out of the room until he feels secure enough to slander her (Me) off.

Hubby's not going to be happy; I can tell...

But I can't wait to give that Cock a piece of my mind.

Revenge; Six Year Old Style...

Dominique is six and in First Grade.

Little Son wants to be his friend...

This morning. At the canteen.

Dominique: Little Son's Mum? Little Son's Mum? Can you tell little Son to stay away from me because I keep telling him and he won't go away and I don't want to play with him.

Me: Dominique? How about You go away and leave little Son alone because I don't want him to play with nasty mean children like You.

So he did. The little Shit.

That'll learn Him.

Message From Twink...

I wrote...

' Does Golden Shower Boy honestly hate me that much ? Thanks for what you said.'

To which Twink said...

' No worries. You know he's not normal'.

Form your own conclusions.

Happy Unbirthday...

Let's see...

I had a fight with Hubby the night before my birthday. The details are hazy. Something about how I hang the towels up. The fucking towels. Apparently if you hang them together three at a time they go mouldy. Like I give a shit. Like He bought even one of them. My Mother, of all people, did. The point is I hung the towels up, right? And He does nothing around here.

Him: You don't listen to me.

Me: I don't fucking Have To.

Scream Scream Scream.

Okay; so it was just a stupid fight that went on for too long. I made him sleep on the couch. Because it's My new bed. The money that paid for it came out of My account. Don't be under any delusions that Hubby was the one who spoke on the phone to Centrelink and over-estimated Tax Benefit A and B to the tune of almost five thousand dollars. That was My doing. That was the plan for the Entire Year. My plan.

Him: Do you honestly believe That?

Me: Abso-fucking-lutely.

He slept on the couch at my insistence. Then woke me up in the morning; rooting around in the drawers for undies. I drove him to work.

Him: Have a good day.

What was implied was...

Have a good day at the zoo.

Me: What?

Him: Have a good day.

I arrived at school with little Son around seven thirty; and lined up for the bus with the forty Kindy kids and four teachers. Me. It's my thirty fourth birthday and I don't deserve this brain assault.

Mister Chan-d-ler...

Mister Chan-d-ler...

That poor guy must go to sleep with that mantra in his brain.

So followed the day at Taronga Zoo. I haven't been since eldest Son was three. I was expected to attend on account of littlest Son's behaviour last term. But I didn't expect lollies to be stuck to my jumper by monsters parading as five year olds. Most of the kids made my own look like an angel. It made me realise how immature he is compared to some of them. Happily naive. Some were just downright sneaky little shits.

We returned to school by five pm; went home to get quickly showered and then on to the Pub for dinner with Hubby and the kids for tea. Jen Jen came also. Bar Chick bought Me a pint. After a dinner of barbecue spare ribs I drove Hubby and the kids home and then returned for the Trivia. Twink, Fido and Golden Shower Boy were in a team of their own so I joined up with them for the final two rounds; increasing their team to second place from fifth.

Hairy and Toddy both bought Me a pint. And Twink got me a shot of Sambucca. Then Petey sold me two four packs of Wild Turkey and we went back to Twinks to have a smoke. Later; Fido drove me home (he's off the piss since breaking up with Miss Fancy Pants) and I proceeded to fall down my driveway on top of said Wild Turkey four pack...

Luckily none broke. But my arse is bruised and feels broken, still- four days later.

Friday morning I got up; wrote out a lunch order for little Son. And went to work. Sober enough. Nazza and Franny were on. They both said a happy belated birthday and Nazza asked what I had gotten in the way of presents.

Me: Not much. Some sheets off Mum for my new bed. And a book I won't read. And some scratchies off Hubby's Mum. And fifty bucks for some sheets.

Nazza: What about Hubby? What did he get you?

Me: Nothing. He didn't even say Happy Birthday to Me.

Nazza: What a prick!

I know why he didn't. To punish Me for our fight the night before. And because He knows that it would get to me. Like it does every time he 'forgets' to say happy birthday to Me.

Let Me give You All a clue. It's not on the fifth. That's his Ex's birthday. Fleur. Flower. Tampon. Hubby's wished Me a happy birthday on Her's more than just a few occasions.

He forgets that he forgot my birthday once for three weeks. He went to a Crowded House concert and got on the piss with Danny for three days instead.

Anyway; enough about the Past...

After work I collected little Son from school and drove him over to Grandma's before taking Hubby and myself to the pub. Hubby had to work the next morning so he wanted to get down as early as possible; not that I was complaining. I dropped my pill in record time. After that I remember...

Hubby telling Me that he had a panic attack at work. That he felt dread. That he felt dreadful. And Me rubbing his back and telling him it was all okay. That shit happens to all of us and that it makes us feel better to talk about it. And I know he felt better talking to Me. That's what I'm Here for.

That's why it hurts to be told I'm Sad for waking up in the morning and having a bong first thing. Especially when I listened to Hubby and didn't judge.

We made up with Golden Shower Boy for his past indiscretions. And while it might not be his fault that Shit happens in his life I still don't see why the rest of Us have to bear the brunt ot it.

Or Fido's crap.

Or Hubby's.

Or Mine.

Then; because it Had to happen Eventually...

Him; Happy Birthday. For Yesterday.

Me: Thanks. And you did that Why?

Then he kissed my face with his broken lip (Fido split his lip open last week after an 'altercation' regarding Hubby calling Fido a 'marshmallow'; there's more to the story, though, obviously...)and told Me he didn't know Why.

I don't know why either.

A Letter To Miss Fancy Pants...

How's tricks? Have things settled down on the homefront yet? Hope all is as you want it, Chicky.

I've been wanting to chat to you about my take on the other night...as you know I wasn't there but I have spoken to you all who were- and although Fido went ape and shouldn't have I don't think he would've gone to that extreme if (my) Hubby hadn't pushed his buttons so hard. When he got home he told me that Fido just 'couldn't handle the truth' about being called a 'marshmallow' so I asked him why he felt he had to Tell Fido that he was a 'weak person' or 'talking it up' etc; because as I told Hubby it's an almost autistic attribute in him (Hubby) that he feels he has to inform his Significant Other's (friends,family whoever) of their weak points without ever acknowledging his own. I don't know why he feels like he has to Tell anyone about themselves; like it's his right to belittle them.

I told this to Fido and he seemed to understand where I was coming from in regard to how he had reacted to what Hubby had said- probably because in the past I've been on the end of the same type of mental attack. Still; it Was an over reaction and Fido admits that. I've got no idea what was going on his head Before Hubby made his stupid comments; from what I can gather there were could have been a few catalysts. Hubby just says what he thinks and doesn't care if it hurts someone if they hear it.

As for the rest of the story; what happened after you got home and whatever you had to deal with there- I hope it wasn't too awful for you. I hate it when people take their shit out on the person who's least to blame.

Anyway Luv; if you feel like coming up for a chat and a coffee drop in. You know where I am.

Luv ya; stay safe.

Buffoon

A Testimonial...

I was wrong.

About so much...

Rowie's funeral was yesterday. He would have been pleased with the turnout. Marzy and the Bone Brother's were there. And Dazza. And Golden Shower Boy and Jazz. And Me and Hubby of course. Not to mention the hundreds of people I'd never met but who also loved his charisma. His larger than life personality. His sweet heart and Always smiling eyes.

I first met Rowie when he was sixteen. I liked him straight away but then so did Everybody who ever knew the bloke. Hubby and Rowie played football together on the weekends but they also loved to hit the piss and get stoned together; a part of the culture of Mate-ship that their entire group all shared. Drug taking and drinking were never a secret among us. It was just what we all liked to do.

Some of Us still do; but that's another story in itself...

It was no secret, either, that my Hubby was not all that interested in Me during this time. I was more of a stalker than his girlfriend. And it was during these endless pursuits of (future) Hubby that I became to know and like Rowie for the person who he was. Honest and sincere. Simple. On occasions when I was upset over Hubby's lack of interest Rowie would smile at Me- like only he could- and tell me that he wasn't worth being upset over. He told Me like it was. And I appreciated him.

He stashed his surfboard under my Parent's house for three months...

He was an excellent surfer and all rounder sportsman. He was good at everything he tried. I don't know why He gave up.

In the eulogy Timmy told us how the Ice and Ecstasy and Marijuana had made him crazy. I guess they don't mix too well with Bi-Polar Disorder.

He read out Rowie's Testimony; something that Rowie had written while he was in rehab three years ago. It was Rowie. His words. And heart. Speaking to us from beyond the grave. Telling us of his struggles with drugs and depression. It was beautifully written. It sounded so hopeful for the future.

But Rowie- We didn't know that it had gripped you so hard.

I wish I had been there at Strezlecki Lookout with you that night. I wish I had found you wandering naked near the cliff with your bible in your hand. I wish I had heard you telling the bewildered onlookers viewing the Lunar Eclipse that you were going to find Jesus. I know if you had seen a face you Knew you wouldn't have sought out His.

Because You didn't. Meet Jesus. You went straight down to the bottom of the cliff.

That's all.

And I'm angry that Someone ever told you that Heaven was waiting and that in Heaven you'd find peace.

Because at the end of it Rowie's just Gone.

Jeremy. He was only thirty three.

And that just Sucks.

Rowie...

Golden Shower Boy rang yesterday afternoon with the bad news.

The guy who fell off Strezlecki Lookout. Trying to get a better look at the Lunar Eclipse by all accounts.

Doing a streak. god bless him.

Rowie...

Champion footballer. Hell bod. Awesome guy. I kissed him once.

I know the reports aren't true Rowie. I'm know you slipped and didn't jump.

I know you were happy.

For The Millionth And First Time...

Okay; here goes. The five most negative behavioural patterns in my Life and what my 'payoff' is for continuing them.

1. That would probably have to be drinking all night every night. The pattern is this; I am always concious of the time that I can begin drinking- most often it is after I have finished driving for the day, after I pick up my Son and Hubby from work and school; so sometime around four pm I suppose. On Thursdays I have to wait until after Scouts at seven pm and the weekends it can be whenever I wake up unless I have to go down the street for something. However I have been known to have a couple of beers before I pick my Son up, though not recently. I hate it when my Mother wants me to drive my Son over to her house After my drinking time has begun- it feels intrusive on my time even though I can drink more when he's not here. I hate it when it is delayed; valuable time is wasting- time I could be getting drunk.

I always make sure that I have enough wine; that if I wanted to I could physically pass out from the amount I have consumed- that there is no chance that I will run out. I get worried when other people drink my wine; in case there isn't enough left for me- though there always is. When I finally do sit down with my wine I am relaxed ; even before I get drunk, even before the first sip. The whole day has built to this moment. It is the beginning of my day.

I cook dinner because I have to; not because I am hungry but because my Son and my Hubby are hungry. I wouldn't bother if it was just for me. I would stay on my lounge with my wine and the TV. As I write this I am already excited by the prospect of this afternoon, and it is not even eleven am yet. Even though I've been trying to control the amount of alchohol I'm having lately I still long for it. I still have more than four litres in the fridge. It's still there for when I need it.

I won't wash or empty my cup while it still has wine in it because I might need that wine one day and I'd regret tipping it down the sink. I get angry when someone does empty my cup. I am always acutely aware of how much is left in my cup. This behaviour is negative because I focus so much of my attention on it. It is clearly on my mind for most of the day. If not all of the day. I am pre-occupied by it; I don't get anything done. It is bad for my health; my kidneys ache most mornings and I often get sharp pains in them.

On another note, my teeth are rotting; they have disintegrated quite badly in the past few years. They are terribly chipped where I bang them with my cup. If this keeps up I know I'll need false ones within the next ten years.

I can acknowledge that drinking is my comfort zone; it is where I feel funniest, sexiest, most attractive. It is where I am comfortable to talk to other people about how I feel; it is as close to the Real Me as you can get because my guard is down and the mask I wear is partially off. In reality being drunk isn't funny; even if I do funny things when I am drunk. It doesn't look attractive when you are falling all over yourself. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you over-emotional. But I was always boring before I was a drinker. No boys liked me; I didn't even get my first kiss until the first time that I got drunk. And the first time I had sex I was drunk. I've never been comfortable with my body unless I'm drunk; and even then it is only tolerable. My personality sux when I am sober. I'm too quiet with nothing to say. People find me boring. That's my payoff. I think it makes people like me better.

Besides, everybody drinks. If I didn't I'd be some sort of social leper. A lot of the time it helps me forget about things; like relationship troubles, the past with that Old Bastard and how he molested me, Family Crap, money troubles, low self-esteem and unworthiness, feelings of being a non-achiever and a failure; being undesirable and ugly; a bad dresser, shit mother, shit lover. How much of this is a cop-out I don't know. I can tell myself a million times that I'm none of those things and never actually for one second believe myself. Dr Phil reckons I can change it by acknowledging it and by recognising that it's in Me to change them; but how do you really change your whole life of how you've programmed yourself to feel? Is it enough to just say it and not truly believe it? How do you truly believe it?

My final payoff is that it's easier to stay the same than try to change; it isn't working but it's easier.

2. Only up to number two. Shit you have some serious problems girl. This is a hard one but necessary to divulge, I suppose, if things are to get any better. It's to do with how I treat my Son. It hurts to admit it; but I often get angry at him for no other reason that he speaks to me while I am doing something else. All he wants to do is tell me something that is important or funny or sad to him and I have no time or inclination to hear it. I shut him out and if he persists I send him to his room. Why? So I can get some peace. So I can watch the television uninterrupted. So I can drink. I hate seeing his little face all disappointed every time I choose to ignore him. I resolve that I will try to make things better for him the next time; that I will give him time when he wants to talk. I want him to be heard and to feel that he can talk to me. Why do I brush him away? I hate myself when I do it but I do it time and time again. What's my payoff? Well in the immediate it's probably the instant peace. Later I often go to him and say things like "It makes me sad when You don't listen to me. Can You Try and not make me angry next time? It makes me sad to be angry at You." Blame blame blame but put in such a nice sweet manner that the poor kid thinks he's done something wrong; when in reality it's me. How do you explain that to a kid- even one who is exceptionally intelligent? How do you tell them it is yourself that you are angry with but that you take it out on other people who aren't to blame; just because you're unhappy. I don't know how to stop this behaviour. I've been aware of it for some time and always say that next time will be different. The truth is that sometimes we don't even make it to the car after school before it's begun. I don't like to control him; in fact I don't control him- but I persistently try to. I Must decide to conciously listen to him; not block out his thoughts and feelings; must try to answer his questions and acknowledge that it's not him that I am angry with, but with myself. The payoffs aren't so important here. I have to choose not to accept them. I have to; or else my Son is going to grow up resenting me. It's not going to get better on it's own. Is a television programme or cooking or a conversation or drinking more important than my own Son? You see, Buffoon, you already know the answer to that.

Now you just have to prove it to him.

Moving On...

In light of the fact I wrote this when I was Me.

...My name is rn_buffoon and I am a thirty three year old mother of two who has a BA majoring in Philosophy and an undiagnosed mental condition.I'm also an excellent speeler; but don't be fooled.This here Blog is nothing more than a desperate attempt at drumming up curiosity in you in the vain hope that if any of my books are ever published then someone may buy them.For your interest they are named 'A Flea's Small World' and 'Thoghuts.Good luck in finding them; and thanks for visiting...

Time to move on from Her.

Too Much Information Tuesday...

David and Tanya reminded Us that it is Father's Day this Sunday.

Hubby looked at Me with evil eyes. At least; I think He did. I was driving him to work and had my eyes on the road.

"Ah Ha! That means I'm up for Two lots of Bum Sex in September!"

Me: Why do You get to have bum sex on My birthday?

Here follows a ten second pause. And Then...

"You should've asked for group sex."

(Well??? He should have!)

Sober...

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ahhhh-Ahhh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oh, I'm finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high,
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence..
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath 'cause what's the use?

Ahhhh-Ahhh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come play"
I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high,
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down,
Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round
Looking for myself,
Sober
Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down,
Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round
Looking for myself,
Sober

When it's good, then it's good
It's all good 'till it goes bad
'Till you try to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again!
Broken down in agony
Just trying to find a friend
Ohhh

Whoahhh

I'm safe up high,
Nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
Whoahhh
No pain inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Whoahhh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
Why do I feel this party's over?
Why do I feel this party's over?
Whoahhh
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?
Why do I feel this party's over?

Will I ever feel this good sober?

Lyrics by Pink

Rollercoaster...

So Damon stopped by today...

Told me that he and his Ex are going to give it another go.

I'm glad he was honest. And that he hasn't hurt me.

But...

I hate this Roller-fucking-coaster.

Let me Off.

On the Miss Construed Front...

Hubby is seeing a counsellor and has begun to see the error of his ways. He's very depressed and sorry for what's been happening and has asked for another chance with me; not necessarily to move in but to know if he has a chance or not.

He also wanted me to stop seeing my "friend" Damon but I told him it wasn't fair of him to ask me to do that when it's been him who has been telling me all along it's over and to move on; despite him being the abusive one. He's accepting it a bit better today but I just hope he's not going to try and railroad me into a decision that I don't want to make. I don't need the pressure and I told him I won't be making any promises.

I've been a bit sad about it all; but am looking forward to another visit from Damon soon, too. Like I told hubby; it would be a mistake for us both to go back to what we had together now. I hope we can salvage something good from it all; at least it can't get any worse than what it was.

Hope all is well in Blog-Land; what did You All get up to on the weekend? I drank four litres of wine and got a hickey!

Chat to you soon; I'm off to bed.