For Just Me...

This is in reply to a comment made by Just Me because I literally can't publish their comment for some undiscernable reason.

Hi. It's hard to justify why I'm still here- even to myself- but especially to a stranger; even a kind well-meaning one. But the love I feel for him Is still there-and for Me it'd be hard to stop loving someone after so long. We have a fun time when we go out together. We have good friends and a decent social life. We have a history of fifteen years and two children along with so many other reasons that I want to stay together, least of which being that the sex is only getting better and better. Everything I write in here is the truth- at least as how I perceive it. About the abuse. About the hate. About the love. But having said that I'm finding it increasingly hard to downplay what goes on between us for the simple fact I know that it's wrong- and that's why I blog about it (and try and convince my Hubby it'd be a fantastic idea to see a counsellor for example); about the fights and the anger and all of the rest. Because if I didn't I would go crazy for real. Should I go? Leave my Hubby? Yes. Probably.

It's wrong of us to fight in front of the kids-oblivious. Wrong of us to speak as we do to each other and argue and chase and...and- oh, you get the picture.

I know one thing for sure.

It only takes so long for people to think that I get what I deserve because I stay. No-one understands why I stay because they think it won't happen that way for them. Well it can. It does. I had at the start what I thought was a pretty good relationship that couldn't possibly fail- how could it when we were so committed to each other; Soul-mates and best friends and all the rest. It was only when I realised how freakishly differently we feel and think and express our emotions that I knew we would always have a hard road in front of us if we were ever to sustain a relationship.

I know I should take the kids to see a counsellor. And Myself.And Himself. I know I'll have to explain to the kids one day why I stayed with their father when he obviously didn't hold me in very high regard- not even enough to feel sorry about it when he hurts me. I know this sort of things runs in concentric circles from generation to generation- though it skipped my own I must say. I Never saw-nor did he ever- my Father hit my Mother. He had too much respect for who she was as a person. It would never have even crossed his mind. Same goes for my Hubby- there was no abuse in his immediate family either. But Don't get me started on the Extended Families...

Thanks for your comments Just Me. I don't know I can ever 'leave' this Life of mine- I have tried and failed to put it all behind me but will no doubt keep coming back for as long as it takes for him to realise I am worth the bother- it's just another of my bad habits I've acquired over the years; For all the pain and the things I would change and for whatever it's worth I would never take back being with him- just a lot of the shit that came along the way. Most of it? Probably.

Buffoon- why are you even still awake?


I should have waited to respond to this post when I was sober. I'll have to delete it in the morning.