Lung Lifestyle...

Just for the record; I don't seriously think that I'm dying.

Sick perhaps.

I only feel about seventy percent most of the time. I know I smoke too much when I'm as concerned about my health as much as I am. I went to the doctor's again today-I must look like such a hypochondriac; I'm sure that's how they perceive me. And I made sure that I got an xray this time- I'm not waiting around for three more months only to be told I have three months to live- and that they should've told me this small fact three months ago.

I'm not exactly in pain. I don't exactly feel sick. Just like someone's sitting on my chest and squashing my heart and lungs. It hurts to breathe deeply and in the last few days this feeling has spread up into my armpit.

I've been having these 'brain pulses'- I don't know how else to descibe it- like an air-bubble popping in my brain.

I've seen the xray. On one of them there's a large white mark- I wonder what it is? I'll have to wait until at least tomorrow to find out what it is. Maybe that's why the radiographer told me to leave it at reception until tomorrow? Maybe he knows what that big white blob on my lung is? From the way I was carrying on being paranoid he probably knew I'd look at the pictures myself and try and diagnose them.

Pleurisy? Emphasema? Tumour? Cancer?

You think I'm joking- well I'm not. I'm certain that I have at least one of these. In fact I waited until after the weekend just in case I needed to start some sort of treatment or have a hospital stay. I don't want this thing to spoil my night off without the kids. It's something I've never had before anyway- and that in itself worries me.

I can't possibly be a hypochondriac because I want to get better.

I just don't want to have to give up my Lung Lifestyle to do it.

I like smoking a lot of pot but it's hurting me to do it. Already! And I've only been a Mull-Pig for about a year. I suppose I could go back to alcohol.

Oh well. If I die early at least I didn't waste my Life working. At least I'd had my Kids.

It's stupid to think that I'm dying- I'm not dying Yet, am I? I just feel a little 'lousy'.

At least until they tell me the awful truth.