Home Is Where The Heart Breaks...

"You're lucky I didn't have a gun", you said.

Yeah. I was.

The truth is In. I love you insanely.

Because it was You who carried on. About the 'girly stick' in the game of pool. About the pot Twink 'fleeced'. About 'all the people' coming back to the pub after the football. There wasn't goin to be any trouble- even if there were a shit-load of Bulldog supporters they were our Friends- until You caused it.

So I turned my back on your hateful words. I didn't want to hear you so I walked away. I went to the Ladies and I had a piss. And then when you saw me coming back into the pub you pushed me down-hard-into the rock-garden; right onto one of the jagged peaks. I fell on my arse and I've broken my tail-bone. It's agony to move and it's all your fault.

I didn't deserve it and you have to apologise or else I won't come home. Let's see if you love me enought to admit that you were wrong for hurting me this time.

I didn't even see you coming- if the truth be known. I don't know what you think you were 'fending off'.

I only want to come home to somewhere I'll be safe. Stop with your threats. You can't say that it was lucky that you didn't have a gun. What would've happened if you had?

You have to Get This, Hubby. You have a problem with me and I'd like to know exactly what it is you Think I've done to deserve how you treat me. What gets you so angry that you'd push me into a rock-garden on my arse? This has to get sorted before I can come home with the kids.

I'm not angry. Well, I am. But I'm more scared. Scared of being with you. Scared of being without you. Scared of living like this for the rest of my Life. I'm tired of worrying constantly about uor relationship. Why can't we just be happy instead? I love you, Hubby- despite what you do- and I shouldn't. I shouldn't stay when you hurt me again and again.

For fucksakes- I was barely over the last injury you'd given me and here I am again. In pain. Caused by You.

As far as I'm concerned- until further notice- we no longer have a relationship other than Parental. The differences between you and me are just too immense. You treat me no better than you did when we first met and I treat you no worse- though I should. I should have left your sorry arse years ago.

The only person you are special to is Me. I'm determined not to feel that way anymore. How can I be loyal when you keep hurting me this way? All these ways? You tell me why I should keep coming back for more.

I'll tell you why. Because I have nowhere else to go and I won't be a burden on anyone else.

So I'll stay and I'll take you to work and I'll cook for you and wash your clothes and look after the kids and the shopping and the cleaning. And in return you will house and feed me and provide me with drugs and alcohol and continue let me wear your underpants because I have none of my own. But that's it. That's where it ends. You can stick your once-fortnightly being nice to me up your well-fucked arse.

I know if we didn't have kids you wouldn't even let me live here anymore. I know it's the only reason you let me in the door.

Do I want to be here? Yes; it's my home. It's got my stuff in it. I don't have to ask for permission if I want to open the fridge and eat the left-overs. I's where the kid's sleep. Where I sit in the sun and watch the birds while a coal train rattles through my backyard.

Home is where the heart breaks.

This is where I belong- but not with you- not the way it is now. I won't move home. I won't burden our family or friends. We got into this mess together- it's no one's fault but ours. Now; just how do we get out?

I'd prefer to break up when we aren't fighting if possible.

I'd want to try and be friends.

We're not right together and it's time to admit it. We tried- at least I know I did. We failed.

Why am I waiting for the next big fight to leave you? I don't care for your kind of concern. Do I love you? Yes- but not enough to let you keep hurting me. Real love doesn't hurt this much. I think for the moment the less time spent together- the better.

As of TodayI'm emotionally unavailable. How's it feel when the shoe's on the other foot?

As soon as my tail-bone heals I'll sleep on the couch permanently. I will only live here until such time as you leave or meet someone else because Guess What? I'm ready to be traded in. Hurry up about it will you? Because I think that's the only way you're going to get rid of me, unless you were serious about the gun.

So replace me. Good luck trying.

Because right now I need to be far A...W...A...Y from You.