Why The Fuck Do I Bother???

"We really need to go back to counselling" I'll say.

"What's the chance of you coming with me if I make an appointment at that counsellors?" I said.

"Not very likely at all" He said, not looking up.

We have to deal with this sometime, Hubby. It's not going anywhere. It won't go away unless we get help. I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't talk to you about the Hard Shit without being worried we'll start into a massive argument. You can't threaten to or actually hit me and Not feel bad about it.

You can't Not be sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not being able to forget about the mean things you've said and done. I'm sorry I need to talk about it and try and work out why we get to the level that we do. You know you wouldn't hit anybody but me; it's the most unique feature of our relationship.

I'm the only person who can confront you to the point of violence. You didn't even hit Golden Shower Boy- and he deserved it.

If you won't come to see the counsellor then maybe I should take the kids with me to see her. Maybe I should explain to them why I stay with their father when he feels no remorse for punching me in front of them (one time I was even holding the baby when he drunkenly rushed the door-he could've almost broke my foot when he broke the front door down one night 'cos he thought I'd locked him out; but that's just another sad story).

When I 'chase' you around the house(his definition) it's only because I need to understand why you say the things you do- what makes you say you'd rather poke your eye out with a stick than talk to me?

You told Kasper the other night that you loved me. Why don't you tell ME that? Why does CC know you love me when I don't? Do you love me?

Really?

How can you think I'm so useless if you loved me? How can you think I'm embarrassing and still profess to care? Everything that comes out of your mouth about me is negative. I fuck everything up, waste all the money.

I don't know why the fuck I bother.