Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Ongoing Saga...

Counselling yesterday was another disaster...

Hubby lasted only five minutes this time; and the last thing he said was that he didn't love me and no longer wanted me back.

I didn't believe it for a second.

Friday, May 22, 2009

So Much To Say...

So much to say...

So little time.

I guess I start at Thursday night. Trivia. Grandma had hubby and the kids. Fido picked me up so I wouldn't drink drive. I felt obligated to be on his team even when Golden Shower Boy joined the table. We came fourth. A disgrace. I was sitting outside having a cigarette when suddenly I saw a dart of a dog come flying up the stairs. It was hubby's dog, Chopper. He's a Staffy cross who is blind in one eye after coming off second best in a car accident. He must have sniffed me out.

Me: What's my fucking dog doing at the Pub?

Then Wemmaly came up the stairs; to pick me up. I told her she shouldn't have bought the dog with her when she came to get me. She told me that the dog had wanted to come.

Maybe I need to go back to Monday afternoon...

There was a massive storm brewing; I was picking up little Son from school and Wemmaly was in the car waiting. Little Son and I raced back through the thick drops of rain to the car and discovered a stray dog in the back seat. A smelly wet dog.

Wemmmaly: I couldn't leave the poor thing out in the rain. I've rung it's owners. They're on the way.

Meanwhile; little Son was freaking out at the impending storm. I guess the Long Weekend flood in June was still playing on his mind. I guess that's what happens after your Mother almost drives your car into a storm water drain and you have to get rescued and your car is written off. To this day he still won't get out of the car if I've parked across a drain in the gutter.

Wemmaly (to little Son): Oh; come on! You're not afraid of storms!

LS: Mummy! Please; lets go home!

I told her she'd have to wait for the guy to come. She got the smelly dog out and we drove home.

Friday afternoon came around. I was at the Pub. I'd organised a Little Something to make the night more interesting. When I told Wemmaly she tried to make me promise to wait for her to take it; so that we could both be high at the same time. Problem is I don't like doing Guilt-Trips.

I didn't wait. I got on it with Mac and Jen.

Back up a minute. I've forgotten something important. Hubby's accident.

Thursday; before trivia. I was sitting with Twink when his phone rang. It was hubby; letting Twink know he was waiting in the ER. He'd gone through a plate glass window at work and severed two tendons in his wrist. I messaged him. He didn't reply. I called his parents; they'd just gotten home from work and hadn't heard anything about it, but they promised to keep me informed when they heard anything. Half hour later Mother-in-law called; she told me hubby was still waiting to be seen and didn't want to see me. This upset me somewhat. So I deleted his name from my phone. Twink told me I was over reacting.

The next day I had to go to work. A lady from the insurance company rang about work cover and I had to tell her that we were separated and maybe she should be speaking to his mother. A few minutes later Mother-in-law called. I cried to her on the phone because I was upset that hubby hadn't returned any of my messages or calls.

When I got to work I told my boss J that I had my phone with me up on the floor in case I heard word about hubby's surgery. I was relieved a little while later when I got a message from him saying that he would have to stay another night in hospital as his operation wasn't scheduled until six that night.

I called him. We hadn't spoken in six days. I asked if he wanted any clothes or magazines brought up to him. He said that he was alright and didn't need anything. I told him that the kids wanted to see him when he got out and that I'd take them around the following day when he got released from hospital. He said okay and we hung up.

So I was at the Pub Friday night; with all the crew minus hubby. Miss Fancy Pants called and said she would turn up in a while. I was having great fun smoking pipes with Franky out in the beer garden. Someone gave me a tablet and a Yeiger-bomb to chase it down with.

Then MFP's new boyfriend showed up. He's balding, near fifty and she's taken by him. Good luck to her I say. Fido (her Ex) showed up at Twink's later on and spotted him on the lounge. He caused a scene; MFP and friend left for the Central Coast; and I made her promise to stop into my house for a coffee on the way if she was hell-bent on driving. She did; and then they left. I haven't spoken to her since...

Meanwhile; back at Twink's....

Golden Shower Boy had gotten in on the act. He and Fido were arguing with the rest of Us that MFP's boyfriend should not have been invited around to Twink's. Daz, Twink and I stood our ground. After all they have been broken up for almost four months and she (MFP) is our friend now regardless of their broken relationship. Besides; it would've been rude to just tell him to fuck off.

Next thing you know, GSB is running around after Daz, chasing him in circles around Twink's car; trying to get Daz to fight him. Daz told him he was crazy if he thought he was going to stop.

Jen Jen and I sat up drinking until almost dawn with Jeffro and his wife A (though admittedly I cut myself off knowing I was going to have to drive before ten am). I spent my last twenty bucks on smokes and then went to collect little Son from Grandma's.

Then I drove over to see hubby...

And that's where we'll leave it for Today.

Bill Of Rights...

I stole this from Miss Understood's blog today...

(Maybe because I needed to remind Myself of why hubby and I have separated)

You have the right to be you.
You have the right to put yourself first.
You have the right to be safe.
You have the right to love and be loved.
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.
You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
You have the right to your own privacy.
You have the right to your own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.
You have the right to earn and control your own money.
You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life.
You have the right to make decisions that affect you.
You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind).
You have the right to say NO.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems.
You have the right not to be liked by everyone.

In Absolution...

Here's a tale of all things strife
My lifestyle has ruined my Life
I don't have a relationship
I'm no longer a Wife
In short; Life is shit
I gave it up. Every bit.

He wouldn't want me back like this
I've got to sober up
No more drinking every day
(Except for Melbourne Cup)
I'll make these drugs the last I buy
I'll just have to make them last
In short; Life is shit
I'll give it up. Every bit.

I'm going to really have to work on this
It'll be my full-time job
He seems somehow different now
Because he's off the stuff
I'll make him proud of who I am
I can see his point of view
In short; Life is shit
And I am fucking over it.

I've been a fucking idiot
Who did I think I was?
I'll give up everything I have
But I won't give up on Us
I need you here; but not like This
A lot has got to change
In short; Life is shit
I want it back. All of it.

I've been kidding Myself
For far too long
He got it right; I'm fucking wrong
I had it sweet and now it's sour
I miss him more every hour
In absolution; life is shit
I want him here
With me. At home.

How's that for a bad attempt at a poem?

Crack Whore...

So where was I?

Last Tuesday morning Hubby drove his car to work. Afterwards he went to the Pub. Then he called. Said he would be staying the night at Twink's rather than risk running into any coppers after drinking four schooner's of beer. I told him that was a good idea...

Last Wednesday Hubby rang up. The piece of shit he'd bought for himself had already broken down. He told me where it had stopped and I filled up every last bottle I could find in the house with water and took it to him. I followed his car home and then tried to initiate a conversation...

Me: Did you hear Miss Fancy Pant's has resigned from work? She rang up earlier and asked if I wanted to go out with her for Farewell Drinks?

Hubby: Why did you have a second kid if your only plan was to dump It on me so that you could go out drinking all the time?

Me: If you're going to be like that, when He (little Son) is standing right beside us hearing every word; then I just won't go.

Then his phone rang. It was Golden Shower Boy. I could hear him down the line. I told Hubby I wasn't going out with MFP any more, anyway, and to have a good night with GSB.

A few minutes later Hubby was packing a bag. Leaving. Making damn sure that I couldn't do the same.

MFP cancelled her farewell drinks when I rang and explained the situation; and came up to visit Me instead. A too few many bottles of RTD Bourbon later and we set her alarm for a quarter to seven so I could drive her home in time to have a quick shower before heading off to a job interview. Afterwards I took little Son to school and then went to work. It was a good distraction.

I presumed that Hubby had slept at Twink's. Then I later found out they had had a blow out after only a few hours and Twink had asked him to find somewhere else to go. So he went to the only person who will never judge him for what he's done and put us through. He went home to his Mother's.

NB The blow up between them( as far as I can work out) is that Hubby was out trying to score Coke with the overtime money he had earned the week before; we were going to use it to pay off the kid's Christmas presents and to buy a new barbecue; but he bought the piece of shit car and blew the rest; presumably on drugs (and potentially pro's). When Twink found this out he 'got up' Hubby on my behalf; as those sorts of antics (the drugs anyway) is what my Hubby has always accused me of blowing 'his' money on. Now it was him; and I was at home minding the children, so Twink rightly pointed out the Hypocrisy of his actions. It didn't please him; and neither did it when Daz and Mac put their two cents in a few days, too.

Thursday night I didn't go to the Trivia; that's going to put on hold until after we sort out some access arrangements for the kids...

But he showed up anyway; to get more clothes even though he had packed two bags just the night before. His car wasn't out the front; it was still obviously broken.

Me( nicely, calmly): Having car trouble? I can give you a lift down there if it would help you out?

Hubby: Why are you trying to be nice to me Now? It's a bit late for that don't you think?

Me: I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. If it's over, then now we can start being friends. Don't you think?

Hubby: I fucking Hate you, Buffoon. And I'm never coming back to you.

Me: Okay; so what are you going to do about the dog?

Hubby: Knock it on the fucking head.


He was taking his time packing; all the while little Son was following him around like a puppy dog. I just wanted to get out for a while so that he could finish and leave.

Me: Come on little Son. Get in the car. We're going out for a drive.

Hubby: (Snidely) Off to get drugs; I bet.

So what if I was? By then I needed it.

I went up to C's (from work) sister's house. We talked for a good hour while we watched our son's (they are both five) run around fighting over who got to play with the police car.

Then I went home. It was empty. But quiet.

Friday I went to work; then dropped off little Son (to my Mother's) after school. I was at the Pub when Jen Jen sent me a message saying they were at a Different pub. Sometime, in the meantime, hubby rang- abusing me because I had let the mobile phone bill lapse by two days (both our phones are connected on the same bill- though he had jumped to the conclusion I had his disconnected already). He was yelling abuse at me to bring All of his money to him, because he was sleeping in his car on the side of the road and had no money.

Me: I know you're not sleeping in your car. I know you are at your mother's. I've given you three hundred and I have thirty. It's all I've got.

I also told him you can't get blood out of a stone.

So I went to meet Jen Jen; not really expecting to run into hubby; but he was there after all- it was Twink's works' Christmas party. We didn't speak; hubby sat at the other end of the table and then left without saying goodbye. To Anybody.

The rest of us changed pubs. Hubby wasn't there either so I was beginning to think that the coast was clear. A few beers later and we went back to Twink's for a final beverage. I inadvertently (rather drunkenly) fell asleep on one of the lounges upstairs.

When I woke up Twink and Daz were playing on the X-Box. I told them I was going home but Twink told me I was still too pissed to drive and to stay in the spare room instead. I agreed and went up the stairs but then came back immediately with the news...

Me: There's someone in there.

It was news to Twink. A few seconds later we could all hear hubby calling out to Me.

Hubby: Where's that Crack-Whore going now?

I quickly left; telling Daz and Twink I wasn't sticking around for More of the Same.

I got home around five am. Took off my jeans and climbed into my bed.

And then the front door opened...

It was him. I heard him making a coffee, stirring the teaspoon a hundred times more than was necessary. I reached across my bed to slam the door. Shut. When I woke up he had left for work but he had made himself a few sandwiches and left the crumbs all over the bench. It pissed me off that he was eating my food when as far as he knew I had no more means of buying anymore.

NB I know he only came home to make sure I hadn't gone Elsewhere. He has it in his head I've been fucking around. I haven't; but try telling Him that.

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer headache; pumped two Nurophen and a cone into me and then drove down to the Pub. It was about eleven o'clock and the Boys were getting ready to go off and play cricket. I was the first one there; eventually Twink, Daz and Pauly joined me. GSB shuffled in around midday and joined everybody at my table. I ignored him. Our fighting days are Over. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Twink wasn't playing cricket (he has torn ligaments in his knee) so after the cricket team left we made our way down to the next Pub. On the way he told me that he had no idea that hubby had been asleep in his spare room the night before. I had thought he was trying to trick me into going in to the bedroom to 'reconcile' with hubby. He assured me that wasn't the case.

On the walk, Twink told me that hubby had been going around asking Everybody at the pub if they were sleeping with 'his Missus'. Even the Hot Rigger. Pity I hadn't thought of that; it's such a damn shame I adore his wife! Probably the only one he didn't accuse me of being with was GSB.

Anyway; all this time hubby was at work (overtime on a Saturday). I had given him every cent I had of his and had raided the kid's bank accounts of what little they had. When I found out it was Locky's fiftieth birthday I decided to stick around and have a beer with Twink and Mac.

Twink left after a nap; on the promise of a root (off C). Mac and I had a ball, interspersed with seriousness of what was transpiring between hubby and I.

Mac: Do you know he accused me of fucking you, too?

Me: You know what, Maccie? Now is our best chance. I am single. You are single. Twink is at C's. Hubby's not here. No one is Ever going to know. What do you reckon?

For a full second it was serious. And then we laughed our heads off. At the Joke.

Mac: Like That's going to happen.

Precisely. Because we are Mates.

Sunday I went to work; afterwards I went to the Pub for the Fishing Club Christmas party. Hubby wasn't there (though he is a member). I stayed for an hour, had two steak sandwiches and a handful of prawns; and then left as little Son was getting dropped home within the next hour.

I felt like rat shit after work; so I set my alarm for six thirty, so I could wake up and get the kid's dinner. Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

Not ten minutes later- there was a knocking at the door.

Eldest Son opened it; and I instantly recognised the "OH MY GOD" that followed.

I've known that voice for twenty three years.

Wemmaly had arrived...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

From My Sister...

I am not gonna apologize either, I looked after your son like he was my own for 6 days and then I get called a derro by some derro who is rooting a derro!

"What the???"

Add up, or at least have a wild guess how many hours per week you spend at the pub, and the answer would be more than I spend at the pub in a year! How does that make me a derro?? Maybe you think the only reason I don't go to the pub as often as you do is that I have kids, well, news flash, so do you!!

The differences between you and I are many, but the most basic difference is that I am responsible for my children and you are not. Do not ever refer to yourself as my twin again, that person no longer exists, you are but a shadow of that person, the person you have become is so self absorbed and selfish that you can't even help your son, who clearly needs some help, least of all that he had a broken collar bone and you did not seek any help. he will not grow up to be self sufficient without some help NOW.

(NB Much editing had to be performed on this inferior standard of A Letter)