Thursday, February 26, 2009

How And Why...

How should I tell him that I want him to take my clothes off?

How do I tell him that I don't want to go slow?

Why am I afraid that he doesn't want to love me?

Perhaps it's because I'm scared that he's going to say No.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Fun...

Watching rollies...

Smoking the cricket...

Star Wars Lego in the background...

Tazzie snoring...

Half a cask of Goon...


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Crack Whore...

(NB This and the next few entries are from the archives of Me Myself Eye.)

So where was I?

Last Tuesday morning Hubby drove his car to work. Afterwards he went to the Pub. Then he called. Said he would be staying the night at Twink's rather than risk running into any coppers after drinking four schooner's of beer. I told him that was a good idea...

Last Wednesday Hubby rang up. The piece of shit he'd bought for himself had already broken down. He told me where it had stopped and I filled up every last bottle I could find in the house with water and took it to him. I followed his car home and then tried to initiate a conversation...

Me: Did you hear Miss Fancy Pant's has resigned from work? She rang up earlier and asked if I wanted to go out with her for Farewell Drinks?

Hubby: Why did you have a second kid if your only plan was to dump It on me so that you could go out drinking all the time?

Me: If you're going to be like that, when He (little Son) is standing right beside us hearing every word; then I just won't go.

Then his phone rang. It was Golden Shower Boy. I could hear him down the line. I told Hubby I wasn't going out with MFP any more, anyway, and to have a good night with GSB.

A few minutes later Hubby was packing a bag. Leaving. Making damn sure that I couldn't do the same.

MFP cancelled her farewell drinks when I rang and explained the situation; and came up to visit Me instead. A too few many bottles of RTD Bourbon later and we set her alarm for a quarter to seven so I could drive her home in time to have a quick shower before heading off to a job interview. Afterwards I took little Son to school and then went to work. It was a good distraction.

I presumed that Hubby had slept at Twink's. Then I later found out they had had a blow out after only a few hours and Twink had asked him to find somewhere else to go. So he went to the only person who will never judge him for what he's done and put us through. He went home to his Mother's.

NB The blow up between them( as far as I can work out) is that Hubby was out trying to score Coke with the overtime money he had earned the week before; we were going to use it to pay off the kid's Christmas presents and to buy a new barbecue; but he bought the piece of shit car and blew the rest; presumably on drugs (and potentially pro's). When Twink found this out he 'got up' Hubby on my behalf; as those sorts of antics (the drugs anyway) is what my Hubby has always accused me of blowing 'his' money on. Now it was him; and I was at home minding the children, so Twink rightly pointed out the Hypocrisy of his actions. It didn't please him; and neither did it when Daz and Mac put their two cents in a few days, too.

Thursday night I didn't go to the Trivia; that's going to put on hold until after we sort out some access arrangements for the kids...

But he showed up anyway; to get more clothes even though he had packed two bags just the night before. His car wasn't out the front; it was still obviously broken.

Me( nicely, calmly): Having car trouble? I can give you a lift down there if it would help you out?

Hubby: Why are you trying to be nice to me Now? It's a bit late for that don't you think?

Me: I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. If it's over, then now we can start being friends. Don't you think?

Hubby: I fucking Hate you, Buffoon. And I'm never coming back to you.

Me: Okay; so what are you going to do about the dog?

Hubby: Knock it on the fucking head.


He was taking his time packing; all the while little Son was following him around like a puppy dog. I just wanted to get out for a while so that he could finish and leave.

Me: Come on little Son. Get in the car. We're going out for a drive.

Hubby: (Snidely) Off to get drugs; I bet.

So what if I was? By then I needed it.

I went up to C's (from work) sister's house. We talked for a good hour while we watched our son's (they are both five) run around fighting over who got to play with the police car.

Then I went home. It was empty. But quiet.

Friday I went to work; then dropped off little Son (to my Mother's) after school. I was at the Pub when Jen Jen sent me a message saying they were at a Different pub. Sometime, in the meantime, hubby rang- abusing me because I had let the mobile phone bill lapse by two days (both our phones are connected on the same bill- though he had jumped to the conclusion I had his disconnected already). He was yelling abuse at me to bring All of his money to him, because he was sleeping in his car on the side of the road and had no money.

Me: I know you're not sleeping in your car. I know you are at your mother's. I've given you three hundred and I have thirty. It's all I've got.

I also told him you can't get blood out of a stone.

So I went to meet Jen Jen; not really expecting to run into hubby; but he was there after all- it was Twink's works' Christmas party. We didn't speak; hubby sat at the other end of the table and then left without saying goodbye. To Anybody.

The rest of us changed pubs. Hubby wasn't there either so I was beginning to think that the coast was clear. A few beers later and we went back to Twink's for a final beverage. I inadvertently (rather drunkenly) fell asleep on one of the lounges upstairs.

When I woke up Twink and Daz were playing on the X-Box. I told them I was going home but Twink told me I was still too pissed to drive and to stay in the spare room instead. I agreed and went up the stairs but then came back immediately with the news...

Me: There's someone in there.

It was news to Twink. A few seconds later we could all hear hubby calling out to Me.

Hubby: Where's that Crack-Whore going now?

I quickly left; telling Daz and Twink I wasn't sticking around for More of the Same.

I got home around five am. Took off my jeans and climbed into my bed.

And then the front door opened...

It was him. I heard him making a coffee, stirring the teaspoon a hundred times more than was necessary. I reached across my bed to slam the door. Shut. When I woke up he had left for work but he had made himself a few sandwiches and left the crumbs all over the bench. It pissed me off that he was eating my food when as far as he knew I had no more means of buying anymore.

NB I know he only came home to make sure I hadn't gone Elsewhere. He has it in his head I've been fucking around. I haven't; but try telling Him that.

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer headache; pumped two Nurophen and a cone into me and then drove down to the Pub. It was about eleven o'clock and the Boys were getting ready to go off and play cricket. I was the first one there; eventually Twink, Daz and Pauly joined me. GSB shuffled in around midday and joined everybody at my table. I ignored him. Our fighting days are Over. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Twink wasn't playing cricket (he has torn ligaments in his knee) so after the cricket team left we made our way down to the next Pub. On the way he told me that he had no idea that hubby had been asleep in his spare room the night before. I had thought he was trying to trick me into going in to the bedroom to 'reconcile' with hubby. He assured me that wasn't the case.

On the walk, Twink told me that hubby had been going around asking Everybody at the pub if they were sleeping with 'his Missus'. Even the Hot Rigger. Pity I hadn't thought of that; it's such a damn shame I adore his wife! Probably the only one he didn't accuse me of being with was GSB.

Anyway; all this time hubby was at work (overtime on a Saturday). I had given him every cent I had of his and had raided the kid's bank accounts of what little they had. When I found out it was Locky's fiftieth birthday I decided to stick around and have a beer with Twink and Mac.

Twink left after a nap; on the promise of a root (off C). Mac and I had a ball, interspersed with seriousness of what was transpiring between hubby and I.

Mac: Do you know he accused me of fucking you, too?

Me: You know what, Maccie? Now is our best chance. I am single. You are single. Twink is at C's. Hubby's not here. No one is Ever going to know. What do you reckon?

For a full second it was serious. And then we laughed our heads off. At the Joke.

Mac: Like That's going to happen.

Precisely. Because we are Mates.

Sunday I went to work; afterwards I went to the Pub for the Fishing Club Christmas party. Hubby wasn't there (though he is a member). I stayed for an hour, had two steak sandwiches and a handful of prawns; and then left as little Son was getting dropped home within the next hour.

I felt like rat shit after work; so I set my alarm for six thirty, so I could wake up and get the kid's dinner. Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

Not ten minutes later- there was a knocking at the door.

Eldest Son opened it; and I instantly recognised the "OH MY GOD" that followed.

I've known that voice for twenty three years.

Wemmaly had arrived...

He Does Look A Little Bit Like Jesus...

I still know exactly how I was feeling when I last listened to this song.

I doubt I'll ever forget Why...

See if You All can work out why.

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When You Were Young"

Lyrics by The Killers

A Blast From The Past...

Two years ago, Today, I wrote this post.

Pretty prophetic.

And seeing as I have not the strength , will or inclination to go into what's been happening in my sorry Life at the moment, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share this with You All instead.


"The Sorry Bitch Who Caused It All..."

It's ten days til my Hubby's birthday. Another year older and as discontented with his life as I am with mine.

So we have our good moments. But it's not enough for either of us and we're just looking for an excuse- a chance to blame the other- why we failed, until we break up. Sometimes that is what I want; but mostly I need to be with him. Even when I could tear my hair out by the handful; even when I wish I had the nerve to just destroy myself from the inside out; or curl up and just die- I hold onto the thought that he loves me.

I don't know why he does but I know he does- for some reason. I don't deserve it; I'm too messed up.

I want him to find me right now- here- spilling these tears that I keep inside me all the time that can't come out. I feel so lost; no one understands me. Not even me. Why do I act this way; the way that I do? I'm so scared of losing everything so I drive it away before I can lose it. No one else would put up with me. Everyone else would leave or cheat on me and yet he doesn't. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want to hurt me or if it's because he doesn't want to be the one to cause our breakup. So he doesn't feel responsible- like he did the best he could and can be a martyr. That's maybe why I stay and put up with all the shit too.

I don't want to be the sorry bitch who caused it all to fall down. I don't want to be the one who ends it. That would make me the failure yet again; someone who can't keep a job, or a course or a relationship from failing.

I know I go on with crazy shit but at the time it's happening I feel perfectly justified; it's only afterwards that I look at my actions or words and decide I went too far. I try not to say anything half the time but then he badgers or goads me into an argument; or sometimes it's me who wants a fight. But I can't understand why he's still here when he obviously doesn't want to be. And I'm not sure that this will work out anymore- even though I used to be so sure that it would. I don't know that we are right together or even if either of us want to make it right. Or believe that it could be better.

We can't communicate. I can't understand him and he can't understand me. Christ only knows how hard I try and understand him- he doesn't even know that; how much time each day I think about Us and why things are shit. It's not supposed to be easy but surely it's not meant to be this fucking hard.

I don't think things could be much worse between us. I only have this blog to talk to; it's the only thing I can talk to and be heard- and that's a pretty dismal statement right there. I don't want to worry anyone. I want to be able to cop shit on the chin and take everything in stride but I'm losing. Again. And who needs to hear my shit? Who would even care to know it?

Now I just feel sorry for myself as usual.

I want to go to bed but I don't even know where I'm welcome to sleep- and the only reason I know I'll be able to go to sleep is the four beers I drank earlier and the tired eyes I have from crying and snotting all over the table cloth.

My Life- all that it encompasses- just sucks shit today. It'll be the same tomorrow and the day after that and the next and the next.

I'm tired of making excuses. I just can't do it anymore.

A Sory Story...

So the Shit hit the fan.

Next morning I rang Twink and told him Myself that I'd busted him out to C.

Twink: Thanks a fucking lot. No wonder she cancelled our date today.

Then he hung up. I messaged him back and said I wasn't expecting his forgiveness any time soon.

Twink: Get fucked. Hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame because you're never welcome at my house.

I can't remember my exact reply; something to do with C being my friend.

Twink: Moral crusader. How 'bout telling Jeffro what (his wife) A did?

Me: That's not the same and you know it.

Twink: Fuck off.

Me: Don't blame me 'cos you can't keep your cock out of X's mouth.

Twink: I blame you 'cause you can't keep your fucking mouth shut.

Me: C is my friend. She deserved to know.

Twink: So is Jeffro and Miss Fancy Pants but you don't say anything to them. Get your own shit together before making excuses for being a bitch.

Me: Stop being a hypocrite.

Twink: Are you for real? You are the biggest hypocrite I know. What's good for one is good for everyone. Look it up it's under Buffoon.

Me: Under Twink.

Twink: The Moraliser. You're going to lose for it. I'm not going to forget what you did.

Me: I don't expect you to forgive or forget.

Twink: That's why you are a fucking bitch. Lose my number and don't come near me.

So I went to the Pub that very afternoon. He messaged Hubby and said that he would see him at the Pub as long as I wasn't there. Like he was barring me. As Hubby said it's not up to him where I drink. Unbeknownst to Me, Twink was across the road at the bottle shop buying smokes. When he came back over I looked him in the eye and gave him a raised eyebrow.

Twink: Stop following me.

Me: I'm just having a cigarette Twink.

And so on it went. He sat on the other side of the Pub with big Pak. Hubby and I sat with Mac and the others. At one point Hubby and Twink were outside together arguing over me. Mac and a few others asked me Why I'd busted him out and not others( especially why I hadn't told Jeffro what I knew about his wife) No one seemed to understand why I'd dogged out a mate of over ten years to a chick I've barely known a year.

Me: Because I couldn't break Jeffro's heart. And because he hasn't asked the question.

Twink overheard.

Twink: Then I'm going to get him to ask you That question. Then you'll have to tell him. Won't you.

We started yelling at each other in the Pub; Twink was bringing up Everybody's secrets. M the Publican shouted at us that nobody there was there to listen to our crap. I acknowledged that she was right and Hubby and I left.

The next day Hubby and Twink had to play cricket; and Jen Jen and I organised ourselves a night out at the pub where she works. I had a great night talking to her friends and Boss. When the pub shut we moved the party to a nearby house; and about midnight Hubby, Twink, Fido, Bar Chick and Daz all turned up. I was playing pool with a guy called Gonzo; he was probably in his mid forties. He said I was the Best Chick there. Hubby must have overheard him.

About two we all walked back to Jen Jen's to go to bed. I had left my car and work clothes there for the next day. Hubby and Twink were having an argument about me in the back yard. Hubby was inferring that Twink only slept with ugly women and that he should do something about it.

Hubby: I've only slept with five chicks and Buffoon's the ugliest one I've fucked.

I wasn't happy. Maybe I even over reacted. But I drove home at two thirty with a belly full of piss.

Next morning I went to work. Hubby rang at nine thirty; abusing me for leaving him at Jen Jen's without any way of getting home. I told him I was at work and hung up. He called back and told me I was bitch. I hung up again.

It was a long hot day. My 2IC was riding me like a Bitch. She sent me upstairs to redo the shower in 303. I went back down to tell her that 303 was in fact a disabled bathroom and, as such, didn't have a shower cubicle. She took me back upstairs and pointed out a black streak on the floor that the vacuum had left ( vacuumed by someone else after I'd finished cleaned the room) and a few stray pubes that had also been missed. All the while 2IC was inferring that I was 'seedy' and constantly asking if I was okay; despite my assurances to her that I was just hot and working hard.

After work I went to the Pub. Hubby was there with Twink. I sat with them. All had been forgotten, apparently, after they'd been on the piss for a few hours. Little Son was getting dropped home at two thirty so I only stayed for a quick couple and then we left.

Monday I worked. 2IC looked me up and down in the elevator.

2IC: Are you still seedy?

Huh? It had been forty hours since I'd driven home from Jen Jen's.

I was doing kitchens as Kritta prefers to do bathrooms. 2IC had also put two new girls together; so that even though Kritta and I had two extra rooms than they did we still finished way ahead and then had to stay back to help them finish their work as well. We decided to only make the beds for them; after all we'd already done our fair share of bathrooms and kitchens.

2IC had started the room checks. She was being pretty picky; sending me back into two rooms to clean a spot (from the roof) out of the microwaves. She was just about to chip me for one of the kitchens that the other's had done when Kritta told her we were only doing the beds for them. She backed off; but not before asking for the hundredth time if I was 'okay'; still inferring I was hungover or pissed.

Anyway; that's all sorted now. J (my Boss) came back and must have have a good talking to her. 2IC's been nice as pie ever since; probably something to do with the fact she's still on Probation...

So we're up to Wednesday; aren't We?

I picked Hubby up from the Pub and we were on our way to KFC to pick up dinner for the kids. I still had the shits at him for calling me the ugliest chick he's ever fucked. And for not saying sorry or for taking it back. I mean; he apologised to Jen Jen straight away when he found out he'd taken her smokes. Even though he texted it. Even though he had to ask Twink and I how to even spell it.

Hubby: You don't spell it that way do you? Isn't it spelt S..O..R..Y?

Just goes to prove how little He's used the word in his life.

Anyway; the mood changed. As we were going through the drive-thru window Hubby told me that he already had a fuck lined up for Friday night.

Hubby: Probably two.

Me: Good for you. Maybe I should've fucked the person I liked three years ago then.

He only heard the words 'fucked' and 'three years ago'. And I only said it to get him to get out of the car. It worked. He got out and walked to Golden Shower Boy's (did I forget to tell You All he's back). I could still see him walking down the road when I texted him.

Me: Don't rely on GSB for a Pro. He can't get a sure thing. I've worked you out, Hubby. You can't even masturbate even though you are the only one you care about. Good luck to you. Mate.

The kids and I ate tea and went to bed. Around four thirty I woke up and went to the toilet. I went into the kitchen to have a smoke and heard a stirring in the lounge. He'd crept back in and was asleep on the couch. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep for ages.

Next morning he didn't wake me up to drive him to work; he had obviously decided to have the day off. I dropped little Son at school and went to work myself. It was an early day; I stopped into the Pub on my way home. Hubby was at the bar when I got there but he ignored me. I sat with Jeffro and his work mates. Hubby sat with GSB out in the beer garden. I left at three and picked up little Son from school. I asked him what he wanted for tea. He said that he wanted McDonald's.

Now I know that they had KFC the night before. I usually only get the kids take-out once a week. But I figured Hubby was going to be at the pub with GSB for quite a while. And then, at about half past five, Hubby turned up at home. He wanted to know what dinner was and I told him I was getting the kids McDonalds. He told me he didn't want that so on the way I stopped at the IGA and got him a t-bone and macaroni to go with veges.

He was yelling at me when I was leaving to go to trivia; I was yelling back. Something about how I own nothing in this house.

Me: Look around you, you fucking idiot. Everything that's in there is Mine.

When I got to Trivia GSB was sitting with Fido so I joined another team. We won. On the way home I dropped into Mac's to pick something up. I got home about eleven thirty. As usual.

Hubby was asleep in our bed; all the lights were off. I went into the kitchen and turned on the light; only to find the sink full of smashed plates. I stormed in and woke him up; ranting and raving. Wanting to know Why he had smashed everything in front of the kids just because he was angry at Me.

NB I found out later he had been reading my blog. He told me that I was living in a fantasy land and that the drugs were getting to me if I believe that any of That had happened.

Hubby: They aren't here anymore. DOCS took your kids away.

NB His mother works for DOCS and I knew that he was implying the kids were with her. Still; I was less than impressed that he had packed them up and sent them over there. I was like a women possessed; calling him every insult I could think. That's when he came for me.

It was over in a minute or so. He'd grabbed me by the throat and was banging my head into the wall; not hard enough to break me but hard enough for me to know he meant business. I know he could hammer me into the wall if he wanted to. That's why I don't fight back.

It ended. He wanted to go back to bed. I was telling him to get out. Yelling it. Glad now that the kids weren't there. He wasn't going to leave; this much I knew. Then I did something I've never done. I called the police on him. By the time they arrived an hour and half later he had left in a taxi for (I presumed) Twink's. I rang my Mother-in-law and asked her when the kids were coming home. I told her what had happened and was surprised by her reaction.

MIL: In his defence, Buffoon, he didn't even know when you were coming back.

That's bullshit. I was at the Trivia. Where would I have gone?

Friday morning I took little Son to his Speech therapy; then dropped him to school. I went from there over to my best mate, M's. Then I went and visited my other mate, CC. They both agreed I had done the right thing and that space and time apart was what we needed; to cool down, work out what we both want.

After I left CC's I came home for a lie down. Before I did I sent Hubby a message. It's the only way I know to get him to listen to me.

Me: I was angry and scared. I love you and don't want to lose you but I want some time and space away from you.

He rang. He told me that I'd have to get my head sorted. I told him he had to acknowledge the domestic violence. He denied it.

Hubby: My plan was to go and get shit-faced tonight. If you want I can come up and we can talk but I'm not going to listen to your bullshit.

Me: Then I think you should come have a shower and get some clothes and then go out and get shit-faced like you planned.

He came at the same time as his Mother was collecting little Son (I was working on the Election all the next day and Hubby was playing cricket). We had a brief chat in the kitchen.

Me: I want a month. I want you at Twink's for a month. I want you to go away and find out who you are; and I'm going to do the same. I want to aim for Christmas. I don't want It like This anymore.

Hubby: Sort out your head first.

Then his mother gave him a lift to the Pub. I presume he got shit-faced on Ecstasy. I went out for a few drinks with CC's sister and her friends. Hubby rang to see where I was. I pointed out again that I wanted time and space.

Hubby: I'm fucking shattered Buffoon.

Me: I know Hubby. That's why we both need this.

The next day I worked fifteen and a half hours as a Polling Official; which was only made bearable by the result- a Labour victory at long last. On my way home I tried to phone Hubby to see if he had gotten something done for me in the day that I had asked him to do. When he didn't answer I assumed he was still at the Pub or at Twink's. Then the phone rang.

Hubby: I'm at home. C dropped me here. I didn't do that thing you asked. I'm trashed. I'm going to bed.

That's not what I wanted. I wanted a month. Still; I knew better than to wake him up. I gave C a call and asked her if she wanted to meet up with me and my Sister (she's been working on Election all day too) for a drink. She was mortified when she realised that she'd driven Hubby home after learning that I'd had to call the police to make him leave in the first place.

C: I'm so fucking sorry. He said that you had worked it out.

Me: No. I said that I wanted Time and Space away from him.

When the pub shut we went up home for a few bongs. I guess we were a bit loud and woke him up. He came out and accused me of being high on amphetamines.

Me: I've been working all day and had a few beers. You're the one who's been off their head for the last two days.

He went back to bed. My Sister decided to drive home and I decided to stay at C's for the night. I wrote him a note and left. We sat up until the sun came up; she told me about her weekend; the fights between GSB and Twink and Hubby. I told her I was glad that I had missed out.

Me: Welcome to My life.

The next day C had to pick up her kids, so she dropped me home. The smashed plates were still in the sink. Hubby was back at the Pub. I had a snooze for an hour then had to leave to collect Eldest Son and take him to the closing night of the play he's been in.

I got kebabs for tea on the way home. Hubby wasn't back.

He rang.

Hubby: Can I come sleep there? I need you to take me to work tomorrow. I'll sleep on the couch.

Me: Okay; on the couch it is. I still want that time, remember?

He came home. Ate his kebab. And went straight into bed. I went into him and asked him to go on the couch. he wouldn't; but said he would vacate when little Son and I went to bed and all the lights were off.

He did.

Yesterday; he didn't wake me up to drive him to work. He lay on the lounge and watched television while I washed the dishes in my biggest boiler (the sink still full of broken plates) and spent an hour or so cleaning up around the yard and hanging out the washing. Then I messaged Bar Chick to see if she wanted to go out for lunch with me. She said yes so I left.

Around four thirty he showed up at home. In a car that he'd bought. Now he doesn't need me to get to work. It's a relief and a weird realisation all at once.

That he doesn't need me now.

I wonder if that means he no longer wants Me,too.


Are you reading this too, Kritter?

Because I know your Mum (my boss J) does.

Say hi if you are. Or else you'll Never be a member of the A-Team.

Words Of Wisdom...


All gone.


I'm avoiding You too.

This Means Something To Someone...

They say your head can be a prison.
Then these are just conjugal visits.
People will dissect us till
This doesn't mean a thing anymore.

Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion magazines.
Widow or a divorcee?
Don't pretend, d-d-d-don't pretend.

We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places, woah.
We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places

We Don't Fight Fair.

Lyrics by Fallout Boy

Wicked Webs...

So Hubby came home...

For the first week we lay together on the lounge at night and fucked like people possessed; despite the fact his jealousy came to the 'fore on more than one occasion.

He even actually did the washing!

Hubby: I know you wore your sexy black undies. I know because I washed them. I don't care. Well; I do actually. And you don't have to tell me why you wore them. I just know that you did.

I was stunned into silence for a second.

Me: We were broken up. So it's none of your business why I was wearing them.

Hubby: I know; I know. Just telling you that I knew.

The Truth is far less sinister than it might appear...

Those "sexy black undies" of mine are actually one size too big for Me. I had my period. I usually wear His old undies when I have my period. We were broken up. I had made a concious decision Not to wear his undies Ever Again. Precisely Because we were Broken Up. And because even if I Were to meet someone that night I would Never risk Mr/Ms Somebody New ever catching me in those "sexy black undies" while I was menstruating like a stuck pig.

Clearly; they are my Worst Undies. And that's why I was wearing them. It pissed me off that Hubby thought otherwise. Still; I didn't explain this too him.

We were broken up. I don't Have to explain. He can think what he wants.

Hubby: I also forgot to tell you that Fido had the shits at Miss Fancy Pant's spending so much time with you when I was staying at Twink's.

That's why she broke up with him in the first place; his Possessiveness.

Me: Did you tell him that the Powderfinger concert was Ten weeks ago? Because that's when they broke up. What right has he got to tell her, or Me for that matter, if or when we can hang out? We don't need his permission.

Hubby: He was worried that you and her would fuck I guess.

Me: If I'd wanted to fuck MFP I would have done it years ago. I don't fuck my friends. You know that. And if we Had it wouldn't have been Any of Either of your business'.

Hubby: I know. I'm know. I'm just saying.

Me: Seems to me that Fido has had Golden Shower Boy in his ear a little too much (GSB has long accused me and Hubby of being Swingers; after a botched foursome attempt ended in a threesome without GSB included. I just Couldn't let him near Me. I really should write That story. It was also the same night that Little Son was conceived. One day!)

Still; we were getting on great- until Melbourne Cup Day. Hubby cracked his first beer at eight o'clock in the morning and waited for the rain to go so that he could mow the lawn. I got Little Son ready for school and left for work.

And what a shit day at work it was! There was only myself and the New Girl. And we got Eighteen rooms. Eight studios. Two Two-bedders. Two Weeklies. And six Services. That's Heaps.

My boss J knew I had the shits but was laughing about it; even as she got ready for the Melbourne Cup lunch that the Hotel was putting on in the function room. J knows I'm a pisshead and was super keen to get to the Pub to watch the race as soon as I could. You could have put another girl on, J!

We finished about two. I raced home to get out of my uniform and then went straight to the Pub. I got my first beer and found Hubby and Jen Jen's boyfriend playing the Pokies. I told them I had to leave in just over an hour to pick up Little Son from school.

Hubby: I'm going with Daz into Town to watch the race. We're just finishing this beer and then going.

Me: So you're going to dump me are you? How do you plan on getting home from there? After I pick Little Son up I'm going home and having a few beers.

Hubby: Then I won't go.

Me: Do what you want to do. I'm going to. You'll just have to get your own way home.

I finished my beer and left them there and then quickly drove to another Pub to place my bets. I watched the race with Jeffro and Pak and then had to leave immediately to drive to school. While I was in the school yard I got a phonecall. It was Hubby.

Hubby: I'm pissed now. I've been on the piss since eight o'clock. Can you come back and get me, Milko and Bowesy and drop them home?

Me: Yeah. Won't be long.

I wasn't. But then Milko wanted to 'quickly' chop up. He took his time. By the time we were in the car it was four o'clock. My phone rang again. It was Mother.

Me: I'm just dropping all the Boy's home. I'll call you when I get there (my home).

After we dropped Milko I turned left and headed back towards the Pub. All afternoon I'd only had two beers and felt like another.

Hubby: Where are we going?

Me: How about we drop in for one on the way home? We can sit in the beer garden and buy Little Son a packet of chips?

Hubby: I knew you had this planned all along. To drag me away from the Pub and dump Little Son on me so that you can go back to the Pub all night.


Me: Forget it. I only wanted one more on the way. I'm not going into this shit again. I'm sick of fighting like this in front of Little Son.

It continued the rest of the way home anyway.

Hubby: What's this? Why did you buy more cigarettes?

Me: Because I assumed you were going to go to the Pub with Daz and I'd have none. Where are yours?

He couldn't find them for a minute; which prompted Me to tell him that I'd have to go Back to the Pub and retrieve his packet. After all they were a full deck.

Hubby: I knew you had this plan. Now look! There's Neighbourhood Kid. He's coming over to play with Little Son and I'm too trashed. You do this to me every time. Dumping Little Son on me so you can stay out all night. Like Saturday night just gone.

There's a story to that, too...

Saturday afternoon we went to a barbecue at Jeffro's house for his little boy's Pirate Party. We took little Son and stayed for a couple of hours then left. We gave Mac's niece, Lil K, a lift back to his house. Hubby told me I could go out with Lil K for a few drinks. I told him I would be home late and I was; but I'd had chemicals and didn't come home until early in the morning. He hadn't seemed shitty at the time.

It was an interesting night to say the least...

Mac and I had gone over to his house for a quick bong. Twink came downstairs looking guilty. I went upstairs to use the loo. In the bathroom was Twink's ex; bending over at the sink with her g-string on show, washing her face. She was there, I presumed, picking up their baby. As far as I knew their relationship had Ended the same day she had (rather Belatedly) told Twink she was 22 weeks pregnant with him.

Still; I didn't expect Twink to tell Mac that he was 'busted' getting a blowjob.

Busted? By whom? Twink was the one telling the tale after all. Mac and I had just walked in on it.

Me: You're a Grub, Twink.

Twink: It's just a blowjob, Buffoon.

Me: No. It's a sexual act with someone you've been telling us you've not been with in a year.

Twink tried to tell Me he was just trying to 'keep his ex happy' so he could see the baby whenever he liked.

Me: Then it would've been You between her legs. Not the other way round. And what about C?

NB She is my friend from work; they've been rooting for about six weeks.

Also note; Twink was sober. Babysitting his son. He has claimed for the last year that he is a Single Father and has had no sexual relationship with his ex since before he was born; and it was on these selling points that C had agreed to meet up with him in the first place.

And now I knew Different.

I went home and told Hubby straight away that Mac and I had 'busted' Twink. And when I told him that C deserved to know that I knew 'different' Hubby actually agreed.

Hubby: He's been lying to everyone all along.

I thought Twink had Nuts. I was wrong...

So that was That until after Melbourne Cup Day. I hadn't seen or spoken to C though she had messaged me; on the hunt for pot. I put in a few phone calls and rang her back; still unsure of what, or if, to tell. It didn't take long for Me to make my choice. She told me she was expecting him to visit her the next day.

Me: I have something to tell you.

And I told. I busted out my mate Twink to a chick I've known for less than a year.

She thanked me. And called me her Mate.

When I went to bed I whispered to Hubby to see if he was awake...

Hubby: Yeah. Why?

Me: Because the Shit is about to hit the fan.

And it has.

The Story Of My Life...

I suppose I should explain...

The first Friday night came around. Miss Fancy Pants rang and told Me she was finishing work at four and would be around to pick me up so that we could go for Last Drinks before she left for Thailand in the morning. Then hubby rang; asking me if I could take his lunch bag down to him because he was working on Saturday. I told him I'd drop it over to Twink's by about five.

I got ready. Then waited. And waited. At a quarter to six hubby rang to see where his bag was. He was a bit shitty with me. I told him I was still waiting on MFP to give me a lift. Frankly; it was pissing me off. I'm Never late. In fact I'm always early. If she had told me she wasn't going to be able to get away from work until a quarter to seven I would have made my own way there. Still; I know she wasn't keen to walk into the Pub on her own- knowing that her Ex, Fido, would be there, too.

So we got there about seven. Finally. I put hubby's bag behind the bar and me and MFP went outside for a cigarette and sat with Hairy and 'Ranga and a few of the other regulars. After a while we had quite a crowd; and then Twink and hubby joined us as well. Twink lined me up to collect the kegs for his party the next night. Me and hubby didn't speak. When I looked around a few hours later he had disappeared. Twink told me he had left ages ago.

By now we were all pretty drunk; I'd given the chemicals a miss for a change. Twink tells Jen Jen and I that he can give us a lift back to his house but we refuse; he's way too drunk to be getting behind the wheel. He's parked his car a few hundred metres from the Pub and when we walk past it he goes to get in but had left the accessories on and the battery was dead. Jen Jen and I sat on the corner and laughed at him as he got out; admitting defeat and leaving his keys in the ignition (which would have saved him a lot of time in the morning if he had Remembered). Then he stumbled down the corner and sat with us in the road.

After a bit we decide to Do The Walk. It's only a kilometer or so to his house but it's hard work through the Park when you're pissed. Twink was sitting in the gutter. I took one hand and Jen Jen took the other and we heaved his 110 kilogram bulk to his feet. Unfortunately he overbalanced and came crashing down on top of Me. I was the meat between him and the concrete. It knocked the wind out of me completely and I lay in the road for a good ten minutes before I could even stand up. Twink thought it was hilarious.

Twink: You wouldn't have gotten so hurt if you had bigger tits!

Never mind that I'd just broken the Fat Prick's fall!

Anyway; it was painful. I've had rib injuries before and know that when the alcohol wears off you're in for weeks of pain and healing. (And I am).

We made it back to Twink's. Lorne and Rocket were already there. Mac and hubby were upstairs sleeping. I felt awkward and wanted to leave. Lorne started in on Jen Jen (he was off his head but that's No excuse for the names he called her) and she was so upset we walked out. We got a Taxi back to her house and went to bed.

When I woke I was in agony from where Twink had fallen on me. When I lifted my arm gingerly above my head I could even see where the cartilage damage was. It hurt to breath, cough and sneeze; but still- today was Twink's Fortieth Party and I had a job to do in getting the kegs. I rang Fido (he lives around the corner from Jen Jen) and he picked me up to go get my car.

At twelve I picked Twink up from the cricket and took him back to the Pub to get the kegs. He was joking the whole time that I should be the one to carry them because it was His party and I was Keg Wench. Normally. Normally I Would carry a keg. But not with the pain I was in.

Me: (laughing) Carry it yourself You Fat Prick.

At around four we tapped the keg and Fido Twink and I all drank from the Cup of Triumph...

Then I went to pick up Jen Jen. She was down at the pub where she works as a barmaid having a few drinks with some of the girls she works with. Her boss and his wife were buying us all drinks. I had a great conversation with both of them; the wife is an Editor of a magazine and told Me to start sending out Stuff again if I ever wanted to get published. I stayed with them a few hours and then left to go back to Twink's party.

By then C, my friend from work who is dating Twink, arrived. And hubby was there. He seemed surprised to learn that I'd been helping Twink and Fido with the kegs all afternoon. He made a comment that I'd worn my hair down (I always wear it in a plait). I told him that I was wearing Thongs (the flip-flop kind not the underwear) too. He seemed amused.

CC (sober and heavily pregnant) and Norty were there by now. Then heaps of people turned up at once. Someone gave me drugs and the night became a blur. I remember talking to Foki and Shez about breaking up with hubby. CC and Shez told me to do whatever I had to do to be happy.

Soon it was five in the morning and the Sun was coming up. C took Twink, hubby, Shez and Foki with her in her car back to Twink's for the night. I followed in a Taxi with someone I'll only name as The Landscaper. I've known him for years and though I've never felt an attraction to him before I suddenly found myself sharing a random pash in the backseat. Just as quickly it was over; and unspoken about until This day...

It won't come out either; especially now as Hubby and I are back together.

You see; when I got back to Twink's hubby was already asleep in the spare room. When I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open for a second longer I lay down on the couch upstairs. Shez came over and sat with me.

Shez: He's in There waiting for you to forgive him. He's in there waiting for you to come back to him.

So I went.

And He was.

We got back together that night but he didn't come home straight away. On the Sunday morning after we had fucked our Sorry's out he took Little Son and Chopper over to his Mother's for a swim; just as he'd said. We decided that he would stay at Twink's for a few more nights so that we could still think about what we each wanted to happen. For time to Just Think about why we want to stay together.

He came home again on Wednesday. It had been ten days. I know that's not much; Long-term readers of this Blog know that the Years of contending with such a turbulent relationship can't be repaired or mended in only ten days.

But the point is that we still love each other enough to keep trying.

And for Now that will be Enough.

For Better For Worse...

I'll just cut to the chase.

We are back together.

For Better. For Worse.

To Be Continued...

Thursday night I dreamt of him...

He came into my bed whilst I was sleeping; enveloping Me in his arms. I felt his presence and I woke; to him gently touching my hair and face and scratching my back. He flipped me over in one smooth fluid motion so that I was sitting astride him. He pulled me closer to kiss and when we did I sucked his lip into my mouth before exploring his with my tongue.

Me: What are you On? Have you had Something?

Him: A big fat line of Coke. And a hot dog.

And with That he entered Me; from where I was straddled- with two fingers and a grin. I swear it felt real.

And then I woke; wet and close to orgasm.

But still Alone.

Where I'm At...

His sister drove him over tonight so that he could get more clothes. Little Son bombarded him as soon as he walked through the door.

LS: Can I stay with you Dad?

Him: Not tonight Matey. I'll be here on Sunday. I promise.

He had better be.

I asked him whether he would come to the RTA to fix up the registration. He said he would. He asked me What Day? I told him Wednesday. He said he'd call me about it. I wanted to tell him I'd see him on Saturday at Twink's birthday. But I don't know if I'll even go yet.

I'm supposed to ring Wemmaly right now; I hope to find out when she's moving back to Town. I need to start looking for houses. Yesterday. But then I lost the keys to my new car and I haven't had a spare set cut yet; so I'll be hoping to find them before the weekend's out. They are in the house somewhere because I managed to drive the car here. One good thing about it; No One came down on me for my absentmindedness. For a change...

So that's where I'm at. Trying to remember that something good might come out of this. For the four of Us. However separate We are.

And now You All will have to excuse me...

Because right Now all I want to do is put on his jumper.

And cry.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

He Wins...

The great Euchre championship is done.


Ten nil.

His way.

Fuck Buddys...

I always thought that if (and when) I left my hubby that the next man I was with would love me back like I deserved...

Like I need. Like I want.

Apparently not.

He's not been awful. In fact he's been wonderful in every way. Mowing my lawn. Fixing my car. Putting up a trampoline on Christmas Eve. Playing with my kid and dog. I've never had a man treat me like he does. And he's not lied to me about how he feels. But I still want and crave his company above and beyond being his Fuck-Buddy. And that's all he's willing to give. And so I'll take it.

So I feel stupid. And embarrassed for feeling like this. For letting my emotions get the better of me. Yet again. I have tears now that he will not see. Or know about. I feel like a loser. I want to call him. I want him here.

What more can I do to get him to like me in the same say that I like him?

How can I stop Myself pushing him away?

I need a drink...