Dear Hubby...

I'm not sure if you'll even get to read this but I'm going to write it down now while the feelings are fresh.

I thought you had acknowledged the abuse you put me through. I thought you had admitted it to yourself. That's what you told me. I thought you said you had changed.

You haven't.

The past two weeks I've been thinking a lot about you. I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to look at getting some counselling with you in the view of getting our relationship back together. But not even counselling will help as long as you continue to be in denial about what you did to me in my lounge room in September.

You know I didn't make it up. I have the photos and the scars to prove it. Ask me and I'll show you.

Why say you even want me back? So you can hurt me again and then deny it?

As for sucking your cock two weeks ago- I think we both know the truth on that one. It didn't happen. You wouldn't have let me even if I'd tried. Tazz already knew that I'd slept in your bed. Texting him your make-believe nonsense didn't faze him in the least; so whatever your intentions were they failed.

Do me a favour and keep him out of this. I'll do the same with K when you start fucking her; if you aren't already that is. That's what you said you wanted to do last night, so good luck. You'll finally get to know the real definitions of mental and fucked up, and maybe come to the conclusion that I'm not and never was.

I'll say this as your mate...

Get some bloody help. I want Hubby back; not the shithead you've become in the past few years. I know you're still in there. I know we still love each other. I need you to accept that I didn't fantasize the whole episode up.

You told me that you wanted a future with me so deal with the past and maybe you'll get what you wanted. It's not too late.

Yet.

Love Miss Construed.

x

Scribble For The Scroatian...

How about I say Jump?

How fucking high do you want me to go?

I think I could love you Scroatian; I wish you wanted me in the same way I want you.

Don't you see she doesn't want you back? She sucks my proverbial arse.

I put Chilli in it just for you...

xxxxxx

(NB The Scroatian is a Scottish-Croation born in Tasmania. They are born with three heads. At the time of birth the uglier Side-twins are removed and pickled then kept in two jars which their Mother then keeps on her bedside tables. True story. I've seen the scars.)

Paying The Price...

I don't even know what I'm going to write yet...

Fancy that. Me stuck for words.

I'm confused in what I'm feeling. On one hand I miss you; trust Me. I miss you everyday. I miss your funny can-opener smile. I miss you holding me at night.

The other part of Me doesn't miss the arguments we had. I think we both know it's for the best that we separated when we did.

I wanted it to work out; maybe they still will one day but I don't want to give you false hope either. I want to work on being mates for a while. I know we can still get on. I know in my heart that we still love each other. I know that you miss being here with me and the kids.

We both fucked up. Neither of us listened to each other. Both of us had valid reasons in what we were trying to say. It was just that the words kept coming out wrong. And nasty.

When I thought you hated Me I thought the best way to cope was to move on. It was my intention to forget you. Replace you. You know I don't know how to be alone. But you aren't replaced. You can't be. Because you're Hubby. Still the man I love.

I wish things were different. I didn't want this to happen. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we were in it for Life. You are my husband. Or should I say Was. We lost each other and now we have to pay the price.

I'm happy sometimes. I enjoy Tazz's company. He helps me out when I need it. It's not his intention to get in between You and Me. I know you and I can't mend anything while he and I are "Friends"; but you and I can mend our friendship. I still would be keen to go to counselling with you and see where we end up. Maybe it's too late to go back to what we had; but that doesn't mean we can't have a future.

Being apart is changing who I am as person so I presume it's doing the same for you. It's still only early days. I don't like thinking that there is Never the chance we'll end up falling back in love and living together again one day.

First things first; I need you in my life. And not just because you are the father of our children. You are too important to me. Such a big part of my Life and thoughts. I think we need to give each other this time apart to sort out our shit. It's my hope that giving each other this space we'll realise that it's each other who we end up wanting again. Only time will tell I guess.

I didn't mean to upset you on Friday night. I don't remember everything that I said but I know I upset you when I kissed you. I miss being able to. Still; I didn't intend to confuse you further. I was over-emotional so I'm sorry. Even if I don't regret doing it. Maybe that's the last time so if it is; Thank you.

It was nice to have you scratch my back and touch my face while I cried; over what we've lost. What we Had. It was nice to feel you beside me. Nice to know you're still there for me when I'm a wreck. I hope you know I'm here for you, too, whenever you need. For anything.

I don't know what the point is in rehashing everything that's gone wrong in our relationship. I think we've both come to the conclusion that we fucked up. Royally. I can't forget the bad shit that happened but I have forgiven it. Time to move on, hey? Get our shit in a pile, so to speak. Maybe even grow up.

Anyway; there's always more shit on my mind but I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading this far; presuming that you Did! I know how much you 'love' reading my letters. You're always welcome to come visit me here. If I'm angry at anyone anymore it's only at myself for being an A-Grade loser with no job or car or money. If it helps; call me. I don't want to drift apart. Then there really Is no going back.

Love You.

x

A Letter To Miss Fancy Pants...

Hey Luvvvy

I've been meaning to call you, too! I was only saying to Honey today that I must get off my lazy A and give you a ring. Which I still will. Promise!

Xmas and New Year were okay, thanks; a little stressful with Hubby and me fighting on Xmas Eve, but we went to J and M's for New Year and were getting on okay until we had another argument so him and Twinkle Toes left about 10.30. We're trying to get on; not to get back together (for the moment at least) just to try and be mates again. Love life is going okay. I have a "friend" I think I told you about, Tazzie. He's nice to me but I'm under no illusion that it's going to get very serious. He's going through his own crap with his ex, wants her back etc. Still it's nice to have a friend. We play cards and laugh for hours. He's stayed over the last three nights in a row (nya nya nya).

How about yourself? Did you get up to see the rellies for Chrissy? How was New Year?

Yes the mobile has been temporarily turned off until I pay the bill; it's only a pre-pay now but I owe them money from getting out of the contract early. I paid most of it last week and Hubby is going halves with me, so I should get the number back soon. I can call on my home phone though; don't know if you have that number but its 123456789.

Been drinking too much cask but have been without bongs; too rich for broke little me. But Honey, god love her, is bringing me over a few buds tomorrow after work. I'll say hi for you!

Will call you soon Luv. Miss our chats. Say hi to E.

Ciao!

Miss Constrewed.