Paying The Price...

I don't even know what I'm going to write yet...

Fancy that. Me stuck for words.

I'm confused in what I'm feeling. On one hand I miss you; trust Me. I miss you everyday. I miss your funny can-opener smile. I miss you holding me at night.

The other part of Me doesn't miss the arguments we had. I think we both know it's for the best that we separated when we did.

I wanted it to work out; maybe they still will one day but I don't want to give you false hope either. I want to work on being mates for a while. I know we can still get on. I know in my heart that we still love each other. I know that you miss being here with me and the kids.

We both fucked up. Neither of us listened to each other. Both of us had valid reasons in what we were trying to say. It was just that the words kept coming out wrong. And nasty.

When I thought you hated Me I thought the best way to cope was to move on. It was my intention to forget you. Replace you. You know I don't know how to be alone. But you aren't replaced. You can't be. Because you're Hubby. Still the man I love.

I wish things were different. I didn't want this to happen. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we were in it for Life. You are my husband. Or should I say Was. We lost each other and now we have to pay the price.

I'm happy sometimes. I enjoy Tazz's company. He helps me out when I need it. It's not his intention to get in between You and Me. I know you and I can't mend anything while he and I are "Friends"; but you and I can mend our friendship. I still would be keen to go to counselling with you and see where we end up. Maybe it's too late to go back to what we had; but that doesn't mean we can't have a future.

Being apart is changing who I am as person so I presume it's doing the same for you. It's still only early days. I don't like thinking that there is Never the chance we'll end up falling back in love and living together again one day.

First things first; I need you in my life. And not just because you are the father of our children. You are too important to me. Such a big part of my Life and thoughts. I think we need to give each other this time apart to sort out our shit. It's my hope that giving each other this space we'll realise that it's each other who we end up wanting again. Only time will tell I guess.

I didn't mean to upset you on Friday night. I don't remember everything that I said but I know I upset you when I kissed you. I miss being able to. Still; I didn't intend to confuse you further. I was over-emotional so I'm sorry. Even if I don't regret doing it. Maybe that's the last time so if it is; Thank you.

It was nice to have you scratch my back and touch my face while I cried; over what we've lost. What we Had. It was nice to feel you beside me. Nice to know you're still there for me when I'm a wreck. I hope you know I'm here for you, too, whenever you need. For anything.

I don't know what the point is in rehashing everything that's gone wrong in our relationship. I think we've both come to the conclusion that we fucked up. Royally. I can't forget the bad shit that happened but I have forgiven it. Time to move on, hey? Get our shit in a pile, so to speak. Maybe even grow up.

Anyway; there's always more shit on my mind but I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading this far; presuming that you Did! I know how much you 'love' reading my letters. You're always welcome to come visit me here. If I'm angry at anyone anymore it's only at myself for being an A-Grade loser with no job or car or money. If it helps; call me. I don't want to drift apart. Then there really Is no going back.

Love You.

x