I had lunch with hubby today.
I told him my Plan.
And he agreed to it.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
A Fractured Fairytale...
He messaged me yesterday morning. At twenty past five.
It woke me up.
Him: You lied about your slut shirt and your intentions on what your plans were after the pub crawl. Don't tell me you wanted to work things out. Drugs alcohol and tarting around seem more important to you than your Family.
(NB There's a bit of a story to the 'slut shirt' that he mentions. I was at work the other week talking to my boss J and Robbie the House Elf, also known as the Maintenace Guy. I made them laugh with some Quotes I'd made up. One was I'm Not A An Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go To Meetings. The other was An Orgasm A Day Keeps Depression Away. They were funny in context to what we were talking about at the time. J and I like wearing 'drinking shits'. Funny shirts with slogans on them. I told I should get my slogans on a tshirt. She told me Kritter makes tshirts using a computer program and she told me she'd get her to make me one. To cut a long story short; she did make it for me. It Just Happened that J brought it into me at work the same week that Pubfest was on. Hubby saw it in the plastic bag and pulled it out before giving me a disapproving look. Obviously he doesn't think that having an orgasm a day is beneficial to One's mental health. Anyway I digress...)
I contemplated being snarky; I was going to write "So your Sister let you have your phone back, did she?" but thought better of it. So instead.
Me: Wrong on both counts, Your Honour.
Him: You had me believe you were going back for a BBQ after the pub crawl that was never your plan and said you wouldn't be wearing that shirt which you had especially made to go out with in after.
Me: I did go to a BBQ.
Me: And this isn't about a fucking tshirt.
(NB I Did wear the shirt; but it was underneath our Pubfest shirts, that were part of the twenty dollar ticket to Pubfest. For twenty bucks we got to ride the bus between Pubs, a tshirt and a beer cooler. They were all identical white shirts with the Pubfest Logo on it. I wore the 'slut shirt' beneath it and only took the Pubfest shirt off for a photograph. Hubby is adamant I wore it all day and won't believe otherwise.)
I went to Education Day at little Son's school after lunch; I was barely listening in assembly as I was texting hubby.
Me: So much for love it doesn't cure anything.
Him: Take some blame yourself u can't help losing your temper.
Me: I was defending Myself from being called a liar. Now I know how Tania Zaeta felt. And I can't live with someone who can't trust me x
There's been no reply...
Later; after I knew he'd be in bed...
(NB I hadn't even been drinking. Eldest Son's girlfriend came over for dinner and I drove her home; so I'd remained sober even though I had a fridge full of piss. And really wanted it.)
Me: We are both fuckups. We have to both think hard about what we want. U know I'm missing u and hope we come out the other side of this together x
There's been no response.
Saturday I'm going house hunting. You All might recall from my comments that the house is across the road from my Mothers. I'll give it a look. We had to move out of this house within the next twelve months anyway. Then he can come back to This house and I'll make a fresh start. In six months or so we'll have miraculously changed into better people and h'll start sleeping over on weekends. Eventually he'll move back in. He'll be different and we'll fall madly in love again.
Don't mind Me.
I'm just keeping the Fairytale Alive...
It woke me up.
Him: You lied about your slut shirt and your intentions on what your plans were after the pub crawl. Don't tell me you wanted to work things out. Drugs alcohol and tarting around seem more important to you than your Family.
(NB There's a bit of a story to the 'slut shirt' that he mentions. I was at work the other week talking to my boss J and Robbie the House Elf, also known as the Maintenace Guy. I made them laugh with some Quotes I'd made up. One was I'm Not A An Alcoholic. I'm a Drunk. Alcoholics Go To Meetings. The other was An Orgasm A Day Keeps Depression Away. They were funny in context to what we were talking about at the time. J and I like wearing 'drinking shits'. Funny shirts with slogans on them. I told I should get my slogans on a tshirt. She told me Kritter makes tshirts using a computer program and she told me she'd get her to make me one. To cut a long story short; she did make it for me. It Just Happened that J brought it into me at work the same week that Pubfest was on. Hubby saw it in the plastic bag and pulled it out before giving me a disapproving look. Obviously he doesn't think that having an orgasm a day is beneficial to One's mental health. Anyway I digress...)
I contemplated being snarky; I was going to write "So your Sister let you have your phone back, did she?" but thought better of it. So instead.
Me: Wrong on both counts, Your Honour.
Him: You had me believe you were going back for a BBQ after the pub crawl that was never your plan and said you wouldn't be wearing that shirt which you had especially made to go out with in after.
Me: I did go to a BBQ.
Me: And this isn't about a fucking tshirt.
(NB I Did wear the shirt; but it was underneath our Pubfest shirts, that were part of the twenty dollar ticket to Pubfest. For twenty bucks we got to ride the bus between Pubs, a tshirt and a beer cooler. They were all identical white shirts with the Pubfest Logo on it. I wore the 'slut shirt' beneath it and only took the Pubfest shirt off for a photograph. Hubby is adamant I wore it all day and won't believe otherwise.)
I went to Education Day at little Son's school after lunch; I was barely listening in assembly as I was texting hubby.
Me: So much for love it doesn't cure anything.
Him: Take some blame yourself u can't help losing your temper.
Me: I was defending Myself from being called a liar. Now I know how Tania Zaeta felt. And I can't live with someone who can't trust me x
There's been no reply...
Later; after I knew he'd be in bed...
(NB I hadn't even been drinking. Eldest Son's girlfriend came over for dinner and I drove her home; so I'd remained sober even though I had a fridge full of piss. And really wanted it.)
Me: We are both fuckups. We have to both think hard about what we want. U know I'm missing u and hope we come out the other side of this together x
There's been no response.
Saturday I'm going house hunting. You All might recall from my comments that the house is across the road from my Mothers. I'll give it a look. We had to move out of this house within the next twelve months anyway. Then he can come back to This house and I'll make a fresh start. In six months or so we'll have miraculously changed into better people and h'll start sleeping over on weekends. Eventually he'll move back in. He'll be different and we'll fall madly in love again.
Don't mind Me.
I'm just keeping the Fairytale Alive...
Monday, May 26, 2008
Finished...
It would almost be funny if it wasn't All so fucking depressing.
I went to Pubfest on the weekend; with my boss J, her hubby T, their daughters Moo and Kritter and their partners, R and S. It had been planned for weeks. Hubby knew I was going. He didn't like the idea from the start.
So we traveled by train; to the first of seven pubs, in six hours. Two cans of VB. Fifteen schooners of VB. Six Vodka jelly-shots. Marry-joo-wana later. Midnight. I slept on a mattress in the spare room at Kritter's. Woke up without a hangover. Drank three Vodka's before breakfast. Drove at lunch time (sober by then) to collect little Son from Grandma's.
Came home. Laid on couch.
Then hubby came home. Notice that he's still in lowercase?
His bags are still at his Mother's but he's still here at home the majority of the time. He left of his own accord, again, last Thursday night. Rang me up while I was the trivia with Fido and the Others. I'd gone down because we were fighting. About Tania-fucking-Zaetta of all things.
Everybody know who she is? A B grade television host. But Good luck to her. I don't know why we even even arguing over something so stupid. For Those who don't know the story I'll be brief...
There was a news story on TV about her being told. She'd been accused of fucking Australian soldiers in Afghanistan and felt that it had harmed her reputation. Reasonable thinking, if it was slander. Hubby was mouthing off in his usual commentary style. Because He knows best about everything. He could see she was 'lying and a slut' because he could 'see it in her eyes'. I disagreed. Asked him to keep quiet so I listen to her side of the story; which She would Surely know better than hubby, right?
He doesn't appreciate me ignoring his Wrong Opinions. Takes it as a personal affront if I'm more interested in hearing the actual Witness's account of events. So I had a shower, got dressed and asked him if he would 'crack the shits' if I went down to the Trivia. Fido had already texted me six times asking me questions (I Google the answers for him if I don't know them; is that cheating?) so I figured I'd have a better night down at the Pub than sitting on the couch in stony silence with Him. He told me I could do 'whatever the fuck I liked'. So I did.
Anyway; it was about nine when he rang me. Told Me, calmly, to get home because he had packed up his bag and was leaving me again. Told Me to get home otherwise he would be leaving little Son there alone until I got back.
I told him I'd be there in five minutes. And I was.
There was no argument this time from either of us. Little Son was still awake and I didn't want to start. And to be honest I was glad when he drove way; even though I knew he would be back. I called his Mother to let her know he'd more than likely be staying there the night. We discussed him for ten minutes. Spoke about him wanting to leave his job and go work in Pilbarra (which is Literally as far away from Me as he could possibly get) which he told me he wanted to do. Spoke about him Admitting finally to being depressed and wanting to go on Prozac because he's not coping with life. Spoke about how toxic Our relationship is.
Friday morning I texted him. Told him I didn't understand him. That he either Wanted to work things out. Or he didn't. And to make up his fucking mind. He took half the day off work. Went to the Pub and got shitfaced. I stayed home for the night (as I was going to Pubfest in the morning) with little Son. Then I got a phone call. From him. Or so I thought.
It was Lil K. She's my mate Mac's niece, for those of You playing along at home. She's pretty cool, I like Lil K. She has Man-troubles with her Ex and a two year old daughter. She has a few issues but I know she looks up to me as a big sister of sorts. And I'm not paranoid in any way that she might fancy my hubby; just in case You All might think that this is heading that way.
She was ringing to see if I was home; basically to see if she alright to borrow hubby's car in return for driving him home, as he was too drunk to drive back to his Mother's. I know he only wanted a bed for the night so I said yes. I don't want to be held responsible for him driving drunk or crashing. Even if he didn't get hurt he'd go to jail if he gets caught again for the same offenses. Call me a softie if you like; but I'd rather that than have him get behind the wheel when he's pissed.
So Lil K drove him here. She came in to say hello to me and played with little Son on the computer while hubby and I had a chat in the kitchen.
I hadn't been suspicious At All. I didn't think I had a reason to be. Then hubby starts telling me what Everyone at the pub had been saying when he left with Lil K. Especially Twink; who apparently inferred that they would 'stop off at the park' on their way.
So it got me to Thinking. Which isn't always a good thing.
What would have made others think That? What behaviour or words had They witnessed to come to That conclusion?
Anyway; I know it wasn't coming from Lil K. She seemed embarrassed to think anyone might even speculate her having a Thing for hubby.
No. It's Him. Trust Me. He's hell bent on proving to me that other women(even my friends) find him desirable. He carried on for a good hour about what Twink had implied, and quite frankly I was sick of the conversation before it had even started. He thanked me for letting him sleep here the night and then promptly crashed out in My bed with little Son.
I slept on the couch.
Saturday morning he left early as he was working. I got myself and little Son ready and took him to Grandma's then left for Pubfest. We were at the Junkyard (Pub) when he texted me.
Him: How r u goin
Me: Second pub six schnooners at junkyard
Him: At mums for t Sister will be painful
Me: I know I'm missing you too
Him: Luv u
That was at 3:38 pm...
Then; at 5:26 pm...
Him: U still alive
Then; at 5:29 pm (when I didn't message back within the allotted three minutes allowed)...
Him: Fuk you then
Me: What's all that about did I miss something?
No response. Until 6:37 pm...
Him: First u ignore me then you lie to me thanx
I can't remember what I wrote but I would have been protesting my innocence.
Him: Stop bullshitting me
After that we stopped texting. As usual I was flabbergasted and can only surmise that he was angry that I was at Pubfest with people he doesn't know; up to god-only-knows-what.
In the morning I woke up and cracked a Vodka cruiser. Then I texted him.
Me: I did nothing. Which hubby are you today the paranoid fucker or the hubby I love
Him: I'm goin the markets with little Son and mum
(NB I took this as a concession that he wasn't planning on being the paranoid fucker I had just called him)
Me: I'll be back by 12 x
(NB You All can take this as meaning that I was saying I loved him and thought he reaslised he had been a paranoid fucker and was willing to discuss his irrationality the night before. I guess I was being a little hopeful).
When I got back to his mother's he had left to pick up his car from Twink's. I drove home with little Son. He called just as I was pulling up into the driveway; said he was staying at the Pub for a couple more beers and asked if we needed anything besides toilet paper at the shops. I took this to mean he was planning on staying. I told him I had to go out in the afternoon to pick up some stuff for tea, and that I'd go to the shops if he preferred (he hates going to the shops it makes him nervous) then half fell asleep on the lounge watching Hawthorn getting smashed on TV.
I heard him come in but didn't really respond. I heard him wandering around the kitchen and going in and out the house a few times with little Son but I didn't think much of it. Then he came in and woke me up.
Told me I was a liar. That I hadn't stayed the night where I'd told him I stayed (at Kritter's).
I told him that wasn't true.
He asked me who Kurt was. I wracked my frigging brains. I hadn't stayed the night at someone's house called Kurt. I hadn't even met a Kurt.
He told me he'd seen the messages in my phone. It clicked who Kurt was.
Krit. He'd read it as Kirt.
My friend Kritter. That's what her Mum calls her.
The dyslexic Prick.
I tried to explain it was just Krystal's nickname but he still wasn't having it. Told me that ninety nine percent of things that came out of my mouth was bullshit. I asked him to fuck off if that's how he felt because I was sick of justifying his lies about me. He left. I texted.
Me: You are an A grade wanker and u r wrong. Grow up.
No response.
Me: Do you believe me when I tell you that I love you or is that just more bullshit?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Work it out then and let me know. Please?
A few hours later he rang; said he was too pissed to drive back to his Mother's. I picked him up. Still hopeful I suppose. I don't even know why. I went to the shops and got dinner. Cooked it. Then copped even more shit.
He says he doesn't trust me. Doesn't think he ever can again after what happened between me and Kiwi. He knows whaty I'm like and how much I can bullshit' to my friends and family. To our kids. To him.
Monday I went to netball after cooking dinner. I play with Shaz; who is Mac's girlfriend. She's getting used to me telling her I can't play when hubby is at his mother's house. I'm letting the team down when I can't play every second week when he has left me. I went to bed when I got home; next to him- but for all it meant we may as well be an ocean apart.
This morning; I woke up and took little Son to school. I came home and heated a can of soup while the computer started; ate it. Put my Writing Coat on. Started writing this story. The phone rang.
It was him. Telling me he was leaving work after only half a day (again) and that he was planning on going to the Pub. I went down; met him. Had a beer or three.
We started fighting. About Pubfest again. He still didn't believe I slept the night at Kritter's. I guess he'd rather look like a Fucktard than admit that he is Wrong.
We had a screaming match at the Pub; in front of Grassy, Fee and M the Publican. Afterwards (he left) they all said they would have a go at him for being a cockhead. I collected little Son and drove home; splurging on lamb cutlets for dinner on the way home.
Twenty minutes later...
Him: How come you have to defend yourself with aggression
(NB I thought that was fairly obvious, when you are under attack that is what happens)
Him: Sounds like bullshit to me.
Me: Everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit
Next thing I knew I was at home; little Son and his mate Jai were playing in the backyard. Then hubby pulls up in his car. I know I screamed at him in front of them. I know I yelled and slapped him in the face and told him to Fuck Off. And I know I lied when I said I wouldn't miss him or want him back ever again.
Then He sized me up and punched me in the face; not badly but I have a shiner. Little Son burst into tears when he saw. I told him to get out. And Fuck off back to his Mother's. For Good. This is where we are at as I write.
I don't want him back. This is killing my kids.
And me...
He texted...
(NB Just when you thought it was Over)
Him: You fucking dickhead you just lost everything
Me: Add it up; you've lost little Son, eldest Son and Me. We've only lost you.
(NB he also tried calling a few times but I hang up every time I realised it was him...)
Me: Leave me alone I'm busy sucking cock like the liar I am.
Him: How dare you u are crazy
Then...
Him: Have a nice social life.
Me: Enjoy Edgeworth (his Mother lives in a suburb called Edgeworth)
Him:You gutless liar
Then...
Him: Why can't you see that You're the aggressive one?
A little while after that his Mother turned up to collect his work boots and clothes.
I admit I cried...
But...
It's finished.
I'm fucking Done.
I went to Pubfest on the weekend; with my boss J, her hubby T, their daughters Moo and Kritter and their partners, R and S. It had been planned for weeks. Hubby knew I was going. He didn't like the idea from the start.
So we traveled by train; to the first of seven pubs, in six hours. Two cans of VB. Fifteen schooners of VB. Six Vodka jelly-shots. Marry-joo-wana later. Midnight. I slept on a mattress in the spare room at Kritter's. Woke up without a hangover. Drank three Vodka's before breakfast. Drove at lunch time (sober by then) to collect little Son from Grandma's.
Came home. Laid on couch.
Then hubby came home. Notice that he's still in lowercase?
His bags are still at his Mother's but he's still here at home the majority of the time. He left of his own accord, again, last Thursday night. Rang me up while I was the trivia with Fido and the Others. I'd gone down because we were fighting. About Tania-fucking-Zaetta of all things.
Everybody know who she is? A B grade television host. But Good luck to her. I don't know why we even even arguing over something so stupid. For Those who don't know the story I'll be brief...
There was a news story on TV about her being told. She'd been accused of fucking Australian soldiers in Afghanistan and felt that it had harmed her reputation. Reasonable thinking, if it was slander. Hubby was mouthing off in his usual commentary style. Because He knows best about everything. He could see she was 'lying and a slut' because he could 'see it in her eyes'. I disagreed. Asked him to keep quiet so I listen to her side of the story; which She would Surely know better than hubby, right?
He doesn't appreciate me ignoring his Wrong Opinions. Takes it as a personal affront if I'm more interested in hearing the actual Witness's account of events. So I had a shower, got dressed and asked him if he would 'crack the shits' if I went down to the Trivia. Fido had already texted me six times asking me questions (I Google the answers for him if I don't know them; is that cheating?) so I figured I'd have a better night down at the Pub than sitting on the couch in stony silence with Him. He told me I could do 'whatever the fuck I liked'. So I did.
Anyway; it was about nine when he rang me. Told Me, calmly, to get home because he had packed up his bag and was leaving me again. Told Me to get home otherwise he would be leaving little Son there alone until I got back.
I told him I'd be there in five minutes. And I was.
There was no argument this time from either of us. Little Son was still awake and I didn't want to start. And to be honest I was glad when he drove way; even though I knew he would be back. I called his Mother to let her know he'd more than likely be staying there the night. We discussed him for ten minutes. Spoke about him wanting to leave his job and go work in Pilbarra (which is Literally as far away from Me as he could possibly get) which he told me he wanted to do. Spoke about him Admitting finally to being depressed and wanting to go on Prozac because he's not coping with life. Spoke about how toxic Our relationship is.
Friday morning I texted him. Told him I didn't understand him. That he either Wanted to work things out. Or he didn't. And to make up his fucking mind. He took half the day off work. Went to the Pub and got shitfaced. I stayed home for the night (as I was going to Pubfest in the morning) with little Son. Then I got a phone call. From him. Or so I thought.
It was Lil K. She's my mate Mac's niece, for those of You playing along at home. She's pretty cool, I like Lil K. She has Man-troubles with her Ex and a two year old daughter. She has a few issues but I know she looks up to me as a big sister of sorts. And I'm not paranoid in any way that she might fancy my hubby; just in case You All might think that this is heading that way.
She was ringing to see if I was home; basically to see if she alright to borrow hubby's car in return for driving him home, as he was too drunk to drive back to his Mother's. I know he only wanted a bed for the night so I said yes. I don't want to be held responsible for him driving drunk or crashing. Even if he didn't get hurt he'd go to jail if he gets caught again for the same offenses. Call me a softie if you like; but I'd rather that than have him get behind the wheel when he's pissed.
So Lil K drove him here. She came in to say hello to me and played with little Son on the computer while hubby and I had a chat in the kitchen.
I hadn't been suspicious At All. I didn't think I had a reason to be. Then hubby starts telling me what Everyone at the pub had been saying when he left with Lil K. Especially Twink; who apparently inferred that they would 'stop off at the park' on their way.
So it got me to Thinking. Which isn't always a good thing.
What would have made others think That? What behaviour or words had They witnessed to come to That conclusion?
Anyway; I know it wasn't coming from Lil K. She seemed embarrassed to think anyone might even speculate her having a Thing for hubby.
No. It's Him. Trust Me. He's hell bent on proving to me that other women(even my friends) find him desirable. He carried on for a good hour about what Twink had implied, and quite frankly I was sick of the conversation before it had even started. He thanked me for letting him sleep here the night and then promptly crashed out in My bed with little Son.
I slept on the couch.
Saturday morning he left early as he was working. I got myself and little Son ready and took him to Grandma's then left for Pubfest. We were at the Junkyard (Pub) when he texted me.
Him: How r u goin
Me: Second pub six schnooners at junkyard
Him: At mums for t Sister will be painful
Me: I know I'm missing you too
Him: Luv u
That was at 3:38 pm...
Then; at 5:26 pm...
Him: U still alive
Then; at 5:29 pm (when I didn't message back within the allotted three minutes allowed)...
Him: Fuk you then
Me: What's all that about did I miss something?
No response. Until 6:37 pm...
Him: First u ignore me then you lie to me thanx
I can't remember what I wrote but I would have been protesting my innocence.
Him: Stop bullshitting me
After that we stopped texting. As usual I was flabbergasted and can only surmise that he was angry that I was at Pubfest with people he doesn't know; up to god-only-knows-what.
In the morning I woke up and cracked a Vodka cruiser. Then I texted him.
Me: I did nothing. Which hubby are you today the paranoid fucker or the hubby I love
Him: I'm goin the markets with little Son and mum
(NB I took this as a concession that he wasn't planning on being the paranoid fucker I had just called him)
Me: I'll be back by 12 x
(NB You All can take this as meaning that I was saying I loved him and thought he reaslised he had been a paranoid fucker and was willing to discuss his irrationality the night before. I guess I was being a little hopeful).
When I got back to his mother's he had left to pick up his car from Twink's. I drove home with little Son. He called just as I was pulling up into the driveway; said he was staying at the Pub for a couple more beers and asked if we needed anything besides toilet paper at the shops. I took this to mean he was planning on staying. I told him I had to go out in the afternoon to pick up some stuff for tea, and that I'd go to the shops if he preferred (he hates going to the shops it makes him nervous) then half fell asleep on the lounge watching Hawthorn getting smashed on TV.
I heard him come in but didn't really respond. I heard him wandering around the kitchen and going in and out the house a few times with little Son but I didn't think much of it. Then he came in and woke me up.
Told me I was a liar. That I hadn't stayed the night where I'd told him I stayed (at Kritter's).
I told him that wasn't true.
He asked me who Kurt was. I wracked my frigging brains. I hadn't stayed the night at someone's house called Kurt. I hadn't even met a Kurt.
He told me he'd seen the messages in my phone. It clicked who Kurt was.
Krit. He'd read it as Kirt.
My friend Kritter. That's what her Mum calls her.
The dyslexic Prick.
I tried to explain it was just Krystal's nickname but he still wasn't having it. Told me that ninety nine percent of things that came out of my mouth was bullshit. I asked him to fuck off if that's how he felt because I was sick of justifying his lies about me. He left. I texted.
Me: You are an A grade wanker and u r wrong. Grow up.
No response.
Me: Do you believe me when I tell you that I love you or is that just more bullshit?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Work it out then and let me know. Please?
A few hours later he rang; said he was too pissed to drive back to his Mother's. I picked him up. Still hopeful I suppose. I don't even know why. I went to the shops and got dinner. Cooked it. Then copped even more shit.
He says he doesn't trust me. Doesn't think he ever can again after what happened between me and Kiwi. He knows whaty I'm like and how much I can bullshit' to my friends and family. To our kids. To him.
Monday I went to netball after cooking dinner. I play with Shaz; who is Mac's girlfriend. She's getting used to me telling her I can't play when hubby is at his mother's house. I'm letting the team down when I can't play every second week when he has left me. I went to bed when I got home; next to him- but for all it meant we may as well be an ocean apart.
This morning; I woke up and took little Son to school. I came home and heated a can of soup while the computer started; ate it. Put my Writing Coat on. Started writing this story. The phone rang.
It was him. Telling me he was leaving work after only half a day (again) and that he was planning on going to the Pub. I went down; met him. Had a beer or three.
We started fighting. About Pubfest again. He still didn't believe I slept the night at Kritter's. I guess he'd rather look like a Fucktard than admit that he is Wrong.
We had a screaming match at the Pub; in front of Grassy, Fee and M the Publican. Afterwards (he left) they all said they would have a go at him for being a cockhead. I collected little Son and drove home; splurging on lamb cutlets for dinner on the way home.
Twenty minutes later...
Him: How come you have to defend yourself with aggression
(NB I thought that was fairly obvious, when you are under attack that is what happens)
Him: Sounds like bullshit to me.
Me: Everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit
Next thing I knew I was at home; little Son and his mate Jai were playing in the backyard. Then hubby pulls up in his car. I know I screamed at him in front of them. I know I yelled and slapped him in the face and told him to Fuck Off. And I know I lied when I said I wouldn't miss him or want him back ever again.
Then He sized me up and punched me in the face; not badly but I have a shiner. Little Son burst into tears when he saw. I told him to get out. And Fuck off back to his Mother's. For Good. This is where we are at as I write.
I don't want him back. This is killing my kids.
And me...
He texted...
(NB Just when you thought it was Over)
Him: You fucking dickhead you just lost everything
Me: Add it up; you've lost little Son, eldest Son and Me. We've only lost you.
(NB he also tried calling a few times but I hang up every time I realised it was him...)
Me: Leave me alone I'm busy sucking cock like the liar I am.
Him: How dare you u are crazy
Then...
Him: Have a nice social life.
Me: Enjoy Edgeworth (his Mother lives in a suburb called Edgeworth)
Him:You gutless liar
Then...
Him: Why can't you see that You're the aggressive one?
A little while after that his Mother turned up to collect his work boots and clothes.
I admit I cried...
But...
It's finished.
I'm fucking Done.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
I Got Over You...
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
Lyrics by Chris Daughtry
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
Lyrics by Chris Daughtry
Thursday, May 22, 2008
This Heart Attack...
I’m going away to be alone I’m coming back with answers
Don’t try to call my telephone it’s disconnected
And I don’t know where I’m going but can you guide me
But if I find love where I’m going will it survive me
‘Coz in your own space you’re disconnected and in your own mind you’re not affected
And in your own time you’re still attracted but in your own life
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can and I’ll be fine
I’ve found the time to be alone I don’t know what you’re asking
I’m waiting by the telephone and you’re still barking
My heart stops it isn’t going could you revive me
I think I’m lost without knowing so come and find me
‘Coz in the same space we’re disconnected and in your own mind you’re not attracted
But in your own life over reacted and in your own time
This heart attack I think I’ll go away not coming back
I’m off the line so call me when you can some other time
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can and I’ll be fine
Sometimes if we don’t go sometimes you don’t know
You don’t go I don’t go I don’t go you don’t go
I’ve got your back but you don’t got mine
This heart attack then I’m feeling fine
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away I’m not coming back
I’m back to flying so call me when you can some other time
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can some other time
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
Lyrics by Faker
Don’t try to call my telephone it’s disconnected
And I don’t know where I’m going but can you guide me
But if I find love where I’m going will it survive me
‘Coz in your own space you’re disconnected and in your own mind you’re not affected
And in your own time you’re still attracted but in your own life
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can and I’ll be fine
I’ve found the time to be alone I don’t know what you’re asking
I’m waiting by the telephone and you’re still barking
My heart stops it isn’t going could you revive me
I think I’m lost without knowing so come and find me
‘Coz in the same space we’re disconnected and in your own mind you’re not attracted
But in your own life over reacted and in your own time
This heart attack I think I’ll go away not coming back
I’m off the line so call me when you can some other time
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can and I’ll be fine
Sometimes if we don’t go sometimes you don’t know
You don’t go I don’t go I don’t go you don’t go
I’ve got your back but you don’t got mine
This heart attack then I’m feeling fine
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away I’m not coming back
I’m back to flying so call me when you can some other time
This heart attack I’ve gotta get away not coming back
I want some downtime so call me when you can some other time
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
I’m going away to be alone
Lyrics by Faker
Monday, May 19, 2008
You'd Better Be Home Soon...
Somewhere deep inside
Somethings got a hold on you
And its pushing me aside
See it stretch on forever
I know I'm right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
Stripping back the coats
Of lies and deception
Back to nothingness
Like a week in the desert
I know Im right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
So dont say no, dont say nothings wrong
Cos when you get back home maybe Ill be gone
It would cause me pain
If we were to end it
But I could start again
You can depend on it
I know Im right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
Thats why I tell you
You'd better be home soon
Lyrics written by Crowded House
Somethings got a hold on you
And its pushing me aside
See it stretch on forever
I know I'm right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
Stripping back the coats
Of lies and deception
Back to nothingness
Like a week in the desert
I know Im right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
So dont say no, dont say nothings wrong
Cos when you get back home maybe Ill be gone
It would cause me pain
If we were to end it
But I could start again
You can depend on it
I know Im right
For the first time in my life
Thats why I tell you
Youd better be home soon
Thats why I tell you
You'd better be home soon
Lyrics written by Crowded House
Dry Days...
The Big Question...
"You mentioned that you used to drink up to 3 litres of wine a night, and that you have cut down somewhat. First off, what prompted you to do it? More importantly, HOW did you do it? And lastly...are you happy with the amount you drink now, or is there still work to be done?"
The Big Answer...
It was New Year's Eve 2004. I was smashed; sitting with Hubby at the last pub before home. I remember telling him how my kidneys ached every morning after being on the piss- three litres a day gives them a fair workout after all- and telling him that I didn't want to sit on the lounge night after night writing myself off for the rest of my Life. And I think Just Saying That Out Aloud to Myself was the biggest catalyst of all. I'm one of those people who hate to say they're going to do something and then Not do it.
I'd never even "said" I was going to cut back before. And my Hubby was suddenly paying attention to what I was saying. He has a drinking problem too (don't tell him that, though) but nowhere near the extent of mine. I drank through both my pregnancies (although to be fair, so did He lol) and have been an alcoholic since I was seventeen. And I'm not cured; I swore that New Year's Eve that I wasn't going to drink Every day and I don't anymore- but I still drink way too much to be considered healthy; and now I have other substances I regularly abuse instead. I get antsy when there is no beer or wine in the fridge, or heaven-forbid no pot; it's a Lifelong crutch and I can't imagine ever completely giving it up. I'd fall off the wagon for sure- so to avoid complete failure I'll never take that step.
So; I told my Hubby I wanted to cut back...
The first day was easy- I was hungover, coming down and sick as a dog. My aching kidneys appreciated a day off. Day two I was already over my Resolution- wishing I hadn't made it. Wishing I hadn't voiced it within earshot of my Hubby. For now he was watching- though as he hadn't made the same commitment (and was on holidays from work ) he happily drank without me. I was short-tempered and agitated for days while I semi-dried out; I wanted to prove to Myself I could last a week without a drink. So I got Myself a calender and started marking off my Dry Days. At the end of the week I celebrated with beer; but it was a turning point. I Could go without drinking- I didn't like it and I hated having to listen to my own inner-voices about how crappy I was feeling and how worthless my Life was- and I was actually disappointed in Myself that I hadn't managed to stay sober for longer.
Then Week Two. I might have had a beer or two, I can't remember now- but every dry day I had, I ticked off on my calender; and the days I drank Anything At All I circled. For the entire year I ticked and circled days- I remember at the end of the year I had forty five circles- only forty five drunken days out of three hundred and sixty five. I was pretty pleased with Myself- and celebrated in style New Years Eve 2005.
It hadn't been easy; I limited what alcohol was in the house. And I compensated by smoking Marijuana- effectively trading one addiction for another I suppose- but at the time I guess I thought pot was never going to be a problem. That was my Hubby's vice; not mine! Funny that now he's lucky to have one cone a week- and I chugg down up to thirty a day(NB I'm cutting back on this as we speak; by not smoking through the day until After four o'clock and limiting myself to three a day; small steps- my kidneys might have stopped aching but my lungs weren't thankful for me cutting back on the drink!).
I'm still drinking too much these days. I haven't used the Calender-Method since I cut back so much that first year. 2006 saw me drink most weekends to excess and since cutting back on the pot I've found Myself sneaking in a six pack of beer or bottle of wine some weeknights as well. It's not enough to get me drunk and hungover; I'm still a seasoned drinker and can out-drink most men I know- and I'm not bleary-eyed and half-drunk when I turn up for work or when driving my kids to school. I like to think I've beaten the Need to drink everyday; but I still love being drunk. My Mother tells me I'm only 'irrigating' my problems when I drink to excess- but it means so much to me socially that I know in my heart I will always have a drinking problem and will drink to excess because I basically can't decide to stop after only one or two.
To those who also concede they have a problem I'd offer this advice...
Don't set yourself unrealistic goals. Have that drink if it's the only thing that's keeping you sane and don't beat yourself up if you have one too many. Try and realise what's making you drink; write it down if it helps. And praise yourself for small victories- remember it's one step at a time with these things and a set-back doesn't mean you have to fall back into your old ways.
And Finally; don't take up other addictive substances...
It only prolongs recovery!
(Hope that answers your Question, Miss...hope you have a good Easter!)
"You mentioned that you used to drink up to 3 litres of wine a night, and that you have cut down somewhat. First off, what prompted you to do it? More importantly, HOW did you do it? And lastly...are you happy with the amount you drink now, or is there still work to be done?"
The Big Answer...
It was New Year's Eve 2004. I was smashed; sitting with Hubby at the last pub before home. I remember telling him how my kidneys ached every morning after being on the piss- three litres a day gives them a fair workout after all- and telling him that I didn't want to sit on the lounge night after night writing myself off for the rest of my Life. And I think Just Saying That Out Aloud to Myself was the biggest catalyst of all. I'm one of those people who hate to say they're going to do something and then Not do it.
I'd never even "said" I was going to cut back before. And my Hubby was suddenly paying attention to what I was saying. He has a drinking problem too (don't tell him that, though) but nowhere near the extent of mine. I drank through both my pregnancies (although to be fair, so did He lol) and have been an alcoholic since I was seventeen. And I'm not cured; I swore that New Year's Eve that I wasn't going to drink Every day and I don't anymore- but I still drink way too much to be considered healthy; and now I have other substances I regularly abuse instead. I get antsy when there is no beer or wine in the fridge, or heaven-forbid no pot; it's a Lifelong crutch and I can't imagine ever completely giving it up. I'd fall off the wagon for sure- so to avoid complete failure I'll never take that step.
So; I told my Hubby I wanted to cut back...
The first day was easy- I was hungover, coming down and sick as a dog. My aching kidneys appreciated a day off. Day two I was already over my Resolution- wishing I hadn't made it. Wishing I hadn't voiced it within earshot of my Hubby. For now he was watching- though as he hadn't made the same commitment (and was on holidays from work ) he happily drank without me. I was short-tempered and agitated for days while I semi-dried out; I wanted to prove to Myself I could last a week without a drink. So I got Myself a calender and started marking off my Dry Days. At the end of the week I celebrated with beer; but it was a turning point. I Could go without drinking- I didn't like it and I hated having to listen to my own inner-voices about how crappy I was feeling and how worthless my Life was- and I was actually disappointed in Myself that I hadn't managed to stay sober for longer.
Then Week Two. I might have had a beer or two, I can't remember now- but every dry day I had, I ticked off on my calender; and the days I drank Anything At All I circled. For the entire year I ticked and circled days- I remember at the end of the year I had forty five circles- only forty five drunken days out of three hundred and sixty five. I was pretty pleased with Myself- and celebrated in style New Years Eve 2005.
It hadn't been easy; I limited what alcohol was in the house. And I compensated by smoking Marijuana- effectively trading one addiction for another I suppose- but at the time I guess I thought pot was never going to be a problem. That was my Hubby's vice; not mine! Funny that now he's lucky to have one cone a week- and I chugg down up to thirty a day(NB I'm cutting back on this as we speak; by not smoking through the day until After four o'clock and limiting myself to three a day; small steps- my kidneys might have stopped aching but my lungs weren't thankful for me cutting back on the drink!).
I'm still drinking too much these days. I haven't used the Calender-Method since I cut back so much that first year. 2006 saw me drink most weekends to excess and since cutting back on the pot I've found Myself sneaking in a six pack of beer or bottle of wine some weeknights as well. It's not enough to get me drunk and hungover; I'm still a seasoned drinker and can out-drink most men I know- and I'm not bleary-eyed and half-drunk when I turn up for work or when driving my kids to school. I like to think I've beaten the Need to drink everyday; but I still love being drunk. My Mother tells me I'm only 'irrigating' my problems when I drink to excess- but it means so much to me socially that I know in my heart I will always have a drinking problem and will drink to excess because I basically can't decide to stop after only one or two.
To those who also concede they have a problem I'd offer this advice...
Don't set yourself unrealistic goals. Have that drink if it's the only thing that's keeping you sane and don't beat yourself up if you have one too many. Try and realise what's making you drink; write it down if it helps. And praise yourself for small victories- remember it's one step at a time with these things and a set-back doesn't mean you have to fall back into your old ways.
And Finally; don't take up other addictive substances...
It only prolongs recovery!
(Hope that answers your Question, Miss...hope you have a good Easter!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
