Finished...

It would almost be funny if it wasn't All so fucking depressing.

I went to Pubfest on the weekend; with my boss J, her hubby T, their daughters Moo and Kritter and their partners, R and S. It had been planned for weeks. Hubby knew I was going. He didn't like the idea from the start.

So we traveled by train; to the first of seven pubs, in six hours. Two cans of VB. Fifteen schooners of VB. Six Vodka jelly-shots. Marry-joo-wana later. Midnight. I slept on a mattress in the spare room at Kritter's. Woke up without a hangover. Drank three Vodka's before breakfast. Drove at lunch time (sober by then) to collect little Son from Grandma's.

Came home. Laid on couch.

Then hubby came home. Notice that he's still in lowercase?

His bags are still at his Mother's but he's still here at home the majority of the time. He left of his own accord, again, last Thursday night. Rang me up while I was the trivia with Fido and the Others. I'd gone down because we were fighting. About Tania-fucking-Zaetta of all things.

Everybody know who she is? A B grade television host. But Good luck to her. I don't know why we even even arguing over something so stupid. For Those who don't know the story I'll be brief...

There was a news story on TV about her being told. She'd been accused of fucking Australian soldiers in Afghanistan and felt that it had harmed her reputation. Reasonable thinking, if it was slander. Hubby was mouthing off in his usual commentary style. Because He knows best about everything. He could see she was 'lying and a slut' because he could 'see it in her eyes'. I disagreed. Asked him to keep quiet so I listen to her side of the story; which She would Surely know better than hubby, right?

He doesn't appreciate me ignoring his Wrong Opinions. Takes it as a personal affront if I'm more interested in hearing the actual Witness's account of events. So I had a shower, got dressed and asked him if he would 'crack the shits' if I went down to the Trivia. Fido had already texted me six times asking me questions (I Google the answers for him if I don't know them; is that cheating?) so I figured I'd have a better night down at the Pub than sitting on the couch in stony silence with Him. He told me I could do 'whatever the fuck I liked'. So I did.

Anyway; it was about nine when he rang me. Told Me, calmly, to get home because he had packed up his bag and was leaving me again. Told Me to get home otherwise he would be leaving little Son there alone until I got back.

I told him I'd be there in five minutes. And I was.

There was no argument this time from either of us. Little Son was still awake and I didn't want to start. And to be honest I was glad when he drove way; even though I knew he would be back. I called his Mother to let her know he'd more than likely be staying there the night. We discussed him for ten minutes. Spoke about him wanting to leave his job and go work in Pilbarra (which is Literally as far away from Me as he could possibly get) which he told me he wanted to do. Spoke about him Admitting finally to being depressed and wanting to go on Prozac because he's not coping with life. Spoke about how toxic Our relationship is.

Friday morning I texted him. Told him I didn't understand him. That he either Wanted to work things out. Or he didn't. And to make up his fucking mind. He took half the day off work. Went to the Pub and got shitfaced. I stayed home for the night (as I was going to Pubfest in the morning) with little Son. Then I got a phone call. From him. Or so I thought.

It was Lil K. She's my mate Mac's niece, for those of You playing along at home. She's pretty cool, I like Lil K. She has Man-troubles with her Ex and a two year old daughter. She has a few issues but I know she looks up to me as a big sister of sorts. And I'm not paranoid in any way that she might fancy my hubby; just in case You All might think that this is heading that way.

She was ringing to see if I was home; basically to see if she alright to borrow hubby's car in return for driving him home, as he was too drunk to drive back to his Mother's. I know he only wanted a bed for the night so I said yes. I don't want to be held responsible for him driving drunk or crashing. Even if he didn't get hurt he'd go to jail if he gets caught again for the same offenses. Call me a softie if you like; but I'd rather that than have him get behind the wheel when he's pissed.

So Lil K drove him here. She came in to say hello to me and played with little Son on the computer while hubby and I had a chat in the kitchen.

I hadn't been suspicious At All. I didn't think I had a reason to be. Then hubby starts telling me what Everyone at the pub had been saying when he left with Lil K. Especially Twink; who apparently inferred that they would 'stop off at the park' on their way.

So it got me to Thinking. Which isn't always a good thing.

What would have made others think That? What behaviour or words had They witnessed to come to That conclusion?

Anyway; I know it wasn't coming from Lil K. She seemed embarrassed to think anyone might even speculate her having a Thing for hubby.

No. It's Him. Trust Me. He's hell bent on proving to me that other women(even my friends) find him desirable. He carried on for a good hour about what Twink had implied, and quite frankly I was sick of the conversation before it had even started. He thanked me for letting him sleep here the night and then promptly crashed out in My bed with little Son.

I slept on the couch.

Saturday morning he left early as he was working. I got myself and little Son ready and took him to Grandma's then left for Pubfest. We were at the Junkyard (Pub) when he texted me.

Him: How r u goin

Me: Second pub six schnooners at junkyard

Him: At mums for t Sister will be painful

Me: I know I'm missing you too

Him: Luv u

That was at 3:38 pm...

Then; at 5:26 pm...

Him: U still alive

Then; at 5:29 pm (when I didn't message back within the allotted three minutes allowed)...

Him: Fuk you then

Me: What's all that about did I miss something?

No response. Until 6:37 pm...

Him: First u ignore me then you lie to me thanx

I can't remember what I wrote but I would have been protesting my innocence.

Him: Stop bullshitting me

After that we stopped texting. As usual I was flabbergasted and can only surmise that he was angry that I was at Pubfest with people he doesn't know; up to god-only-knows-what.

In the morning I woke up and cracked a Vodka cruiser. Then I texted him.

Me: I did nothing. Which hubby are you today the paranoid fucker or the hubby I love

Him: I'm goin the markets with little Son and mum

(NB I took this as a concession that he wasn't planning on being the paranoid fucker I had just called him)

Me: I'll be back by 12 x

(NB You All can take this as meaning that I was saying I loved him and thought he reaslised he had been a paranoid fucker and was willing to discuss his irrationality the night before. I guess I was being a little hopeful).

When I got back to his mother's he had left to pick up his car from Twink's. I drove home with little Son. He called just as I was pulling up into the driveway; said he was staying at the Pub for a couple more beers and asked if we needed anything besides toilet paper at the shops. I took this to mean he was planning on staying. I told him I had to go out in the afternoon to pick up some stuff for tea, and that I'd go to the shops if he preferred (he hates going to the shops it makes him nervous) then half fell asleep on the lounge watching Hawthorn getting smashed on TV.

I heard him come in but didn't really respond. I heard him wandering around the kitchen and going in and out the house a few times with little Son but I didn't think much of it. Then he came in and woke me up.

Told me I was a liar. That I hadn't stayed the night where I'd told him I stayed (at Kritter's).

I told him that wasn't true.

He asked me who Kurt was. I wracked my frigging brains. I hadn't stayed the night at someone's house called Kurt. I hadn't even met a Kurt.

He told me he'd seen the messages in my phone. It clicked who Kurt was.

Krit. He'd read it as Kirt.

My friend Kritter. That's what her Mum calls her.

The dyslexic Prick.

I tried to explain it was just Krystal's nickname but he still wasn't having it. Told me that ninety nine percent of things that came out of my mouth was bullshit. I asked him to fuck off if that's how he felt because I was sick of justifying his lies about me. He left. I texted.

Me: You are an A grade wanker and u r wrong. Grow up.

No response.

Me: Do you believe me when I tell you that I love you or is that just more bullshit?

Him: I don't know.

Me: Work it out then and let me know. Please?

A few hours later he rang; said he was too pissed to drive back to his Mother's. I picked him up. Still hopeful I suppose. I don't even know why. I went to the shops and got dinner. Cooked it. Then copped even more shit.

He says he doesn't trust me. Doesn't think he ever can again after what happened between me and Kiwi. He knows whaty I'm like and how much I can bullshit' to my friends and family. To our kids. To him.

Monday I went to netball after cooking dinner. I play with Shaz; who is Mac's girlfriend. She's getting used to me telling her I can't play when hubby is at his mother's house. I'm letting the team down when I can't play every second week when he has left me. I went to bed when I got home; next to him- but for all it meant we may as well be an ocean apart.

This morning; I woke up and took little Son to school. I came home and heated a can of soup while the computer started; ate it. Put my Writing Coat on. Started writing this story. The phone rang.

It was him. Telling me he was leaving work after only half a day (again) and that he was planning on going to the Pub. I went down; met him. Had a beer or three.

We started fighting. About Pubfest again. He still didn't believe I slept the night at Kritter's. I guess he'd rather look like a Fucktard than admit that he is Wrong.

We had a screaming match at the Pub; in front of Grassy, Fee and M the Publican. Afterwards (he left) they all said they would have a go at him for being a cockhead. I collected little Son and drove home; splurging on lamb cutlets for dinner on the way home.

Twenty minutes later...

Him: How come you have to defend yourself with aggression

(NB I thought that was fairly obvious, when you are under attack that is what happens)

Him: Sounds like bullshit to me.

Me: Everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit

Next thing I knew I was at home; little Son and his mate Jai were playing in the backyard. Then hubby pulls up in his car. I know I screamed at him in front of them. I know I yelled and slapped him in the face and told him to Fuck Off. And I know I lied when I said I wouldn't miss him or want him back ever again.

Then He sized me up and punched me in the face; not badly but I have a shiner. Little Son burst into tears when he saw. I told him to get out. And Fuck off back to his Mother's. For Good. This is where we are at as I write.

I don't want him back. This is killing my kids.

And me...

He texted...

(NB Just when you thought it was Over)

Him: You fucking dickhead you just lost everything

Me: Add it up; you've lost little Son, eldest Son and Me. We've only lost you.

(NB he also tried calling a few times but I hang up every time I realised it was him...)

Me: Leave me alone I'm busy sucking cock like the liar I am.

Him: How dare you u are crazy

Then...

Him: Have a nice social life.

Me: Enjoy Edgeworth (his Mother lives in a suburb called Edgeworth)

Him:You gutless liar

Then...

Him: Why can't you see that You're the aggressive one?

A little while after that his Mother turned up to collect his work boots and clothes.

I admit I cried...

But...

It's finished.

I'm fucking Done.