What To Do...

I'm sitting here; with two black eyes and a broken mind.

What To Do?

Back Soon...

It took Me so long to sign into Blogger just now that I've forgotten what I wanted to tell You All about...

Oh. That's right. It's coming back to Me now.

I got suspended at work today.

And I'd been having such a good week!

Now I've got seven days to Think About It.

Back Soon...

Spit For Spat...

Remember Me telling You All about the Ute with the busted-arse gearbox that Hubby and I bought?

Well it's fixed...

I paid for it on my credit card. That's okay. I consider it Our's anyway.

I arranged for Twink to help me collect it from the Garage because Hubby doesn't have a driver's licence; he's never held one. Not unless you count the Learner's Permit he had when he was eighteen. And I'm not.

How did he lose it, I hear you ask?

By stealing his Father's work car and crashing it into a traffic light. When he was drunk. The police only caught him because he went back for his packet of cigarettes. He went to court and was disqualified from holding a licence for nine months. And this was sixteen years ago...

I remember the first time I let my Hubby drive my car. Actually; it was my Mother's car that my older Sister and I had the use of so we could drive ourselves up to feed our horses- but that's neither here nor there. The fact was he wasn't a good driver then. And it's My opinion that He still isn't.

To be fair- He hasn't had much experience; occasionally He'll drive down to the shops (about two kilometres) on a Sunday morning to get the paper or cigarettes; but for the most part, once his Mother stopped chauffeuring him around it sort of became my job. Oh okay; he used to ride his push-bike to work or to the Pub but after a few too many beers it was always Me who drove down to collect them both. And ever since he started working further from home the push-bike became redundant. I've been taking him to and from work for the last ten years. With a few exceptions.

Having no licence didn't stop him from buying the Magna. Or the Kawasaki dirt bike. Or the Katana death-trap. Or the Ute. They have all been registered in my name because you need to hold a licence to transfer registration from one owner to the next; so it would all come down on My head if he chooses to ride/drive these vehicles while unlicensed or drunk. This is the point He fails to Get.

Trouble is...once he purchases these vehicles there is very little I can do to stop him from taking the keys and driving them away. And this is precisely what happened on Monday afternoon.

I'd arranged for Twink to come and collect the Ute with me; his car's brakes are on the blink so I told him he should ask Hubby for a lend. But Hubby had other ideas. He told me he was going to drive it home via the shop to get some oil.

He went straight to the Pub. Just like I knew he was going to. Just like he drove the Magna to the pub the first day he bought it- not that he remembered driving it home or crashing into those people. That little escapade of his cost us a fortune in court fines and solicitor's fees. The Judge even told him if they saw him up on the same charges again He might as well pack his toothbrush next time.

Little Son was with us as he had been sent home sick from school; Hubby had called me earlier to say that the school had rung up and wanted him collected from sick-bay- so after I paid the mechanic I drove home and waited while little Son watched a video. An hour. Then I called. The noise of the poker machines in the background was a dead giveaway. I said Something Like...

"I thought you said you were going to buy oil. You didn't did you?"

Him: I was just passing the Pub and saw Fido's car there so I stopped in for a quick couple. I always go this way."

(NB The way He went was Not on the most direct way home; in fact He'd gone a long way out of his way. The Truth is he'd taken the day off work because he was still hungover from the weekend- while I had worked the morning- and because he would have known Twink was there.

"Fucking forget it. Just get yourself some ham for your sandwiches tommorrow".

And then I hung up. That was at three thirty.

Six thirty he comes in. I was on the phone and cooking dinner. Once I got off I interrogated him about his actions. Why He said he was going to buy oil when he clearly hadn't had that intention in the first place.

Him: What's with your fucking Attitude? This is why I stayed at the Pub for this long.

I tried not to let him turn it back onto Me...

"Can't you See? That I don't Want an unlicenced driver who's been drinking behind the wheel of a car I've got registered in My Name? "

Apparently Not.

It got Stupid and Nasty for a while. As it always does.

"On the First Day. Again. If you want your "Little Piece Of Freedom" why won't you get off your arse and get your licence?"

Him: You drive after you've been drinking.

"At least I've got a licence to lose. I don't have a criminal record."

(NB He hates it when I'm right...)

On and On it went.

"Just admit it; You never had Any intention of going to buy oil this afternoon. Did you?"

Him: You've got no idea of What I intended on doing this afternoon. I stayed away longer because of your attitude on the phone.

"Tell Me I'm Wrong, then".

Dumb silence.

"See? You Can't".

It was a statement.

Him: Why are you such a fucking Bitch?

"You can't handle that I'm right".

As a last resort I took the keys from the hook and waved them in his face. Then I hid them. When he asked for them I told Him that I would be driving him to work in the morning. He went to bed with the shits. Big Time.

Fast forward to the following afternoon.

I was late picking him up. Little Son was home again sick and we'd both fallen asleep on the couch watching Fairy Tale Theatre. I drove like a demon so as not to be too late; and all things considered was only five minutes later getting him than what I would usually. He rang when I was on the bridge.

Him: I finish at three thirty you know.

"Yeah; I know. Little Son was sick"

(NB this was true. He spewed again on the way home)

He hung up. Two minutes later I arrived. Collected him. Then; driving home...

Little Son: Ive been sick

Him: I know. And If Mummy had let me drive the car you wouldn't have had to be here.

"Has this been your intention all along? To keep this car and drive it? I thought you bought it to do it up and sell it at a profit so we could pay off some of the personal loan we had for XIP?"

Blah Blah Blah.

He asked for some money and I told him I hadn't been to the Bank because Little Son had been sick on the couch all day; and because I hadn't realised that He had taken the hundred dollars left in the cupboard until the last moment.

Him: So are you going to the Bank?

"I guess I have to. Because you didn't even buy oil out of that hundred dollars, did you? You spent it all at the Pub".

Truth be Told?

I'd love it if I didn't have to drive his ungrateful arse around all day every day...

I'd love it if He showed the same initiative I had at sixteen and get a licence...

I do realise that He probably never will.

And If He doesn't give a shit- then why the Fuck should I?

The Storm Before The Calm...

It went on until Saturday...

Eight days in all. You would think I'd stop counting these things by now.

I knew it was serious this time; that He was serious when he said he was going to leave Me- mostly because I hadn't told anyone about it;at all. Aside for the few visitors to this Blog. Normally I tell. Usually I'm the first to let people know whenever Hubby and I fight. But I don't want Them knowing this time. How He looked at me with not an ounce of caring. How he spoke. How I did not crumble even when he told me that he didn't even want to try anymore.

"I can go Nowhere by Myself", he told me.

"Then we don't have to fight anymore, Hubby. Do we? About any of It. Now all we can hope for is that one day we might be Something like Friends. In the Mean Time we've just got to restrain from killing each other."

That was Thursday...

Friday night we stayed in.

Saturday morning the alarm went off at six. We got up, showered, and then drove little Son over to my Parent's where he was staying for the day and night while we went on a pre-paid Bus Trip with all of our friends. Business as usual. It's an annual event that our mate Fido organises; for the past six years we've gone to a small country fair and thrown bricks and rolling pins whilst rolling drunk and off our guts. It's a fun day out for all the family; but this is a drinking trip. Make no mistake about that. The day is far too rude and rowdy for children. So little Son went to Grandma's for the night. As planned.

We picked up Twink and Jase on the way over to Fido's; cracking our first beer while we waited for the barbecue breakfast to finish cooking. There's only five girls along for the ride. There's Me and Jen Jen, and Miss Fancy Pants of course. And then there's Vick, who's married to one of the blokes in the Fishing Club, and last but not least was Bar Chick; an almost 40 who my Hubby would rather fuck than Me. By all accounts. His.

It's not a secret;but it's not common knowledge either. Because it's Twink who's had his eye on her for the past two years. They might have even ended up together eventually if Twink hadn't gotten his Casual Fuck pregnant last year and become a Daddy for the first time. Still; they are both single and Hubby is not. Not. I don't care if he's telling me he's leaving me. He hasn't. Not yet. And it's Never over until the Fat Lady sings.

Got it?

Maybe they have more in common than Me and Him do. Maybe She is his friend and I'm not. Irrelevance in my eyes. She's made out in the Past that she's my friend and I'd like to believe her; it's just hard to want to be great friends with someone when she looks at your husband with the eyes that she does sometimes.

I should know. I've looked at him. Like that.

He's still mine...

I forced myself between them whilst the barbecue was still being cooked. Hubby starts telling a story about why our friends CC and Norty haven't made it this morning. According to him; it's because CC is an Ice addict and Norty is leaving her; but I know that this isn't the case. CC Isn't an Ice addict. Not even close. But it still makes me choke on my egg and bacon roll; makes me want to throw back up the one mouthful I'd already swallowed- when Hubby tells Everybody around the barbecue that he and Norty have talked about moving out together. Leaving Me and CC. Who's pregnant. And the three children we have between us All already.

Suddenly it's not just a matter of trying to Put On A Brave Face for everyone.

Suddenly the thought of being without Him makes me want to vomit.

"That's one Hell of a Party Pimple". It's Bar Chick. Talking to Me. Maybe it was nice of her to change the subject.

"Actually it's just a zit. On my lip." That was a lie. Shit happens. Especially when you're stressed.

Fido is calling for everyone to hurry up onto the Bus; so I chuck my uneaten brekkie-roll to Lucas the Dog and clamber on board. Hubby ends up sitting next to Me; but more from dumb luck than any kind of wanting to. I guess when all your friends know you have been together with the same person for seventeen years they come to view you as a couple.

Four beers later we arrive at our destination. Main Street. There's Pony Clubbers riding ahead of the Grand Parade; and Miss Fancy Pants, Jen Jen and I cheer on the SES guys as they go past. The whole thing is over in less than fifteen minutes- and after a much-needed loo-break we follow it down to the Showground. Where Naturally, everybody heads straight for the beer tent...

I don't want You All to think Hubby ignored me the entire day; We actually took a walk around the Market stalls and bought little Son a couple of knick-knacks at one stage. But for the most part he didn't leave Bar Chick's side for long. I tried not to let it ruin my day; I hung out with Kiwi Kiev and his nephew for a while; and then threw a personal best rolling pin (of seventy seven feet)- but it was Fido's big moment when he took out the Men's Open Brick Throw with a throw of one hundred and ten feet. He's only been trying to win for six years; every year he's entered he's always been the Runner-up to the same guy- a one-time champion State Discuss thrower...

We yahooed for an hour after he won.

Then it was time to walk back up to the Pub where we were meeting the bus to take us home.

Everyone was trashed. Drunk, wasted and happy about it. Slippers and Crispy had been 'rumbling' down near the grandstand; Slippers was covered in blood and needed a trip past the ambulance station- but all in all it had been a fairly mundane Bus Trip. Until we got back to Fido's.

Before Twink came along my Hubby's best mate was Danny; they were in the same pre-apprenticeship course when they were both still in their teens. Dan's going through a hard time at the moment- having split up with his Missus recently; and we hadn't seen him in a while before Today. Earlier at the pub I'd told him about the fights Hubby and I had been having lately- and confided in him that Hubby was ready to leave me. Dan told me he'd speak to him for me- told me that he'd tell him how much I wanted this to work.

But then Dan fell off the bus when he was trying to get off; face-planting the gutter- he must have tripped on the esky at the front. Fido got to him first and he was unconsious but he came around in about half a minute. They called an ambulance. Most of us were already off the bus and had gone inside to play darts and pool, but as soon as I heard Danny had hurt himself I went out to find him.

Fido, Chrispy and I sat with Dan. His eye socket and cheek bone were broken and he was spitting teeth and blood and in pretty obvious pain. I held his hand tightly while we waited for the Ambo's to arrive; and kept telling his smashed-up face that help was on it's way. He was an absolute mess and kept asking for Hubby- but He was still inside with Bar Chick in the middle of Something More Important. Even though he Knew.

Chrispy and Dan left in the ambulance. We later heard he wasn't given pain relief because at point two seven blood alcohol limit they weren't about to give him anything. I got ready to leave for Jen Jen's where we were having a barbecue and kicking on drinking for the rest of the night. Hubby and Bar Chick finished their game of pool. I told Hubby Dan had been asking for him.

"He looked fucking Awful. He was crying out for you. And me. Where the bloody Hell were You?"

We left Fido's and headed to Jen Jen's; Twink and Bar Chick as well. Hubby was still paying her more attention than he was Me. And I'd had enough.

I can't remember the exact words; but I told Him in no uncertain terms how it made me feel watching him and Bar Chick flirting together all day. I told him that he'd left me out. Embarrassed Me. Let me down. And for What?

He got angry when I suggested he wanted to fuck Bar Chick or Miss Fancy Pants.He said something like...

"She would slap me down if I even suggested it; so would Miss Fancy Pants. Unlike Mac with you. He would fuck you at the drop of a hat"

(NB We hadn't even been discussing Mac until this point. He hadn't even been on the Bus Trip. Regular readers will know Mac is one of my best friends in the World- but at 51 and with Falsey's he is sadly not a contender for Buffoon's true love and affection! Yes. I am that shallow.)

By his answer I concluded He's at least thought about it. And it's Typical of him to try and turn things around on Me when it suits him.

Then he told me that I was Just Jealous.

I thought That had been his intention all along.

He can't relate to people without connatations...

I don't know When he began to listen to what I was saying but talk soon turned to Change; or changing. And before I knew it is was four o'clock in the morning and we were sitting at Jen Jen's dining table alone, holding hands and making promises.

Maybe it was because of the full moon; but we didn't stop fucking until six.

Would you believe I've been writing this post for three days now?

Doesn't Time fly?

Since then- or at least until Today- which will have to wait for Tommorrow...

This is what it's like when it's Good.

Obviously I'm just Weak...

This Shit (BlogTransplant ) Won't End...

There's no logical place to start This...

Friday night.

All was going well up until about 2 am. We were all at Twink's. Mac was just about to go to bed but Hadn't. Hubby rang a taxi. Then started accusing Me of not wanting to go home yet. Buffoon wants to party on all the time. That's what He thinks anyway.

"I fucking Hate you", He tells Me.

"Why do you keep doing this all the time?"

Me: "Do what exactly? Want to come home with you when You're telling Me in front of everybody that you hate me?"

No fucking Thanks.

He left about half past; yelling a torrent of abuse as he goes. Twink tells Me I don't have to go home to That if I don't want to. I know that I have to regardless...

I search; but I can't find the keys to the car and besides- I'm way too drunk and wasted to drive. So I call a cab too; even though I know Hubby will go rank at Me for spending more money on a cab when he has just used one himself; but anything's better than what Will happen if I don't get my Sorry Arse home quick-smart. I leave the car at Twinks; not even knowing if I've left the keys there or at the Pub.

I get home at three. I go to bed. It's cold. We're angry with each other but we still snuggle for warmth. At about five he decides to try to fuck me. I don't let him. Why would I fuck someone who Hates me? So Openly?

He gets out of bed snarling shit. Little Son is at the front door with my Father because I'd messaged my mother that I didn't have my car at home. That got Hubby pissed off too- but not quite as much when he realised he's left his motorcycle helmet in the back seat of the car and that if he wants to ride it he'll have to get himself to Twink's.

He's going off at Me like I've never heard him before. He's told me he hates me plenty of times when he's been Drunk- but Never sober. Until now.

"What the fuck for? What did I do? I was home half an hour after You. I didn't do anything but do what you said. Why the fuck are you punishing me for it?"

Truth is; I probably Would have stayed out longer if he hadn't cracked the shits at me and left in such a way. I thought we were all having fun. I didn't think it made me a fucked up person.

Apparently it Does.

He left yelling; telling Me I was a fucked up Bitch because no he had to walk over to Twink's to get the car. I yelled at Him to catch a cab but he ignored that and strode off; taking all the money in the house and the bankbook and both of my keycards.

I messaged him...

"I fucking did what you told me to so stop punishing me for it. When you take away all of my options what choice do I have but to stay; you tell me you hate me and then make me be here. I don't get you."

He ignored it.

I rang. He hang up. Three or four times.

"Will you stop?"

He ignored Me.

"Seeing as you hate me I bet you're glad you didn't get to fuck me this morning; you still tried but- Hypocritical Cunt. This is a roller-fucking-coaster. It's Your stupid game. I'm just playing along."

He rang.

Told Me he planned to stay out and get trashed; seeing as that's what I like to do So Much. I told him fine; but that I needed the car and my keycards back.

Why; he wanted to know.

To Get Some Fucking Money You Imbecile...

I rang Twink. He convinced Hubby to let him drive the car over for me. I dropped Twink back at the Pub where Hubby was already onto his second beer for the morning. He stayed out all day; as promised.

I took Little Son to the movies and watched Shrek The Third. I fell asleep towards the end...

We had toasted sandwiches for dinner. Eldest Son was staying over at his friend's house for the night. Little Son and I went to sleep.

Hubby snuck in through the kitchen window about two thirty; drunk and off his face- and slept on the lounge...

His eyes are open slightly so I ask Him What time he got home.

"What's it to You?"

So he must want to continue...it Begins again. The Shit Hits The Fan.

So I take little Son out for the day. We have a milkshake at the park and then had an icecream down at The Bogey Hole and then took a drive around the beach. I had a great time and to be honest I really didn't feel like going home.

So I dropped little Son back and then went to the Pub for an hour. Fido turned up for a beer but everyone else was too hungover from the night before. I got a few snippets of information about which drugs Hubby had consumed and then I got a phonecall. It was from an old high school friend who I've recently got back into contact with...

"Can I come up and see your new house? Tonight? Because I don't feel like going home right now?"

Thanks Friend. See you soon.

I took home KFC for Hubby and the kids. And then left again. I got a six pack of beer on the way over and we settled in over a few drinks and Big Brother. It was good to catch up; and to bitch. Though we've lost contact over the last three or four years she well knows Me and my Hubby's turbulent history. I regard her as one of my Past-Best-Friends- if that makes sense. Someone who I once used to consider as my Best friend. It's not even as though she or I moved away and lost contact; more that she is a lot of hard work for a friend to deal with sometimes...

But we had a good time. She vented and I vented. I went home after Daniela was evicted; full of delicious homemade pumpkin soup and toasted cornbread; washed down with beer and some last-minute pancakes with whipped cream and strawberry jam. She even gave me a container of soup to take home. I'm going over more often after this; next time she tells me she'll make me a Laska...

So I got home at ten thirty. Took little Son with Me straight to bed.

Hubby slept on the lounge.

I got up; got ready for work. I gave little Son his breakfast and left; asking Hubby as I left if he wanted Me to bring anything back for Him.

He grunted a No. I asked how much longer was he intending on keeping this up. He said nothing. I slammed the door.

He was asleep on the lounge when I got back from work and doing some shopping; little Son playing by himself out in the yard with the dog. I washed up the dishes and put on a load of laundry before showering and dressing myself and little Son.

"I'm going to my Mother's for a few hours. My Sister and niece are visiting from Canberra for a few days. I'll be home in a while. I got macaroni and chips to go with those lamb chops you defrosted for yourself."

Grunt.

He'd made himself dinner already when I got back at six thirty. I cooked little Son up a couple of sausages and made him a little salad and then went into eldest Son's bedroom where I watched TV for the rest of the night; as away from Hubby as I could be. Because If he hates Me like he says then he would be glad to be away from me...right?

About nine thirty I went to bed to lay down with little Son while he fell asleep. Ten minutes late Hubby turned off the television.

I got up as soon as little Son was asleep and went into the loungeroom.

"Are you happy staying there are you?"

"Yep" He grunted. And then slept on the lounge.

Ten past six this morning he woke me up to take him to work. It was fucking freezing but that was nothing compared to the frostiness of the car trip.

"Usual time?" I asked to nobody- as he got out of the car; barely uttering a Thanks as he was just about to shut the door. I drove home and wrote this post.

Now I'm off to work.

This shit won't End.

Hey Gorgeous Girl...

That was just what I needed; getting your email this morning. You've lifted my spirit from all the way over there- so thanks Babe!

The way things are here your invitation sounds so inviting! Maybe with next years tax return(can't be this one because of all the stupid debt I'm in over the car I just wrote off) I'll get a ticket over and we can spend our 35th's together. That would be sooo cool! You'd have to take a month off to recover!

Your new place looks lovely; all light and airy. I would die to have a nice kitchen and bathroom; you didn't show me a pic of the bathroom but I bet it's gorgeous too!

That statue of Greyfriar's Bobby reminds me of Suki; how is the little fella anyway? You haven't mentioned him in ages and I know he's getting old...

Mark my words Girl; once you stop looking for love it's going find you- real fast! I bet there's a hot guy on the horizon with claw marks for you headed this way as we speak! I had a dream last night about two hot guys; maybe we'll meet them when I get there. Heh- who I am kidding? I'm Institutionialised when it comes to relationships! Seventeen years and counting- though he's been telling me more and more often of late that he wants to leave me because I'm such a spastic bitch to him. He expects me to change but won't do anything about himself. Shit happens hey?

I guess we'll either be okay or we won't; no point stressing too much, huh?

Take care Honey Bunch and I will hear from you soon!

Lots a love

Buffoon x

The Epiphany...

This is the second time I've written this...

It would be so much easier to actually Say than write.

Everything seems so much simpler when you are off your head.

So Whose birthday was it, anyway?

That's right, it was Vee's.

Continuing on...

We should start at the beginning.

So I took a little Trip; the first one I'd had in months.

It kicked in. Hubby turned up. Twink Started.

Told me that the Party was over. Literally.

That this party was my Wake.

"Turn around and look into the Light, Ruth. It's time to Go. Josh is going to be here any minute with a cigarette for you. Just wait and see."

"Fuck Off, Stu".

On and On. It went. Until I believed him. I'm the most gullible person I know when I'm on drugs. I take everything literally.

Suddenly; Religion made sense.

And I'm an Agnostic of the highest order. I studied Philosophy at University for nine years to find out why an orange is orange; and I found out in first year but could never remember what it is because I was drunk at the time I thought it. All that I Do remember is that it has something to do with A Flea's Small World.

So That's what I called my first Memoir.

But back to my Epiphany...

I have decided to believe that Twink is god; and am crying hysterically because I realise that god Himself has chosen Me as His friend; made Me his personal mate because as an Agnostic he realises that the "Change" over will be a difficult one for me.

Hubby comes over and gives me a smoke. So Twink's prophecy comes True.

I've lost the Plot. I ask Hubby where my body is? Because it must have been somewhere while I've been making up my fantasy of a Life.

And How long have I been dying for?

And what of?

He says Pleurisy.

Mind You All; He doesn't remember this conversation. Even the Next day. But I do.

I ask him Who will look after my Kids when I am dead? He tells me that he will.

Or his mother.

I tell him that she's a Bitch...

He doesn't remember. But I Do.

Twink: Your head hurts; doesn't it? Look into the Light.

I started to think that I'd been wrong my entire Philosophical life; but at the same time was grateful that if I Had to be wrong about the whole Evolution versus Religion debate then at least I'd been in some sort of drug induced coma or some sort of pre-after-life that gave me time to come to terms with being a Non-believer and being confronted with their worst fear.

For Me; I guess it's Mortality.

I kissed Twink on the mouth, People. Because I believed that he was god. At the time.

Who better than your Best Friend to be god?

At the time; I thought it rather nice of god to put in such an effort.

That's why I kissed him.

And it would make a great script; hey?

In the end; Hubby drove me home; after I'd accused some Elf-Chick of trying to fuck my Hubby. After I'd accused my friend Moe of being an Angel.

He stayed up with me; because I was too afraid to sleep. I didn't think I was going to wake up. Twink had told me I wasn't going to see my kids again.

In my drug-haze I thought I was Mary and Hubby was Joseph.

Mary: I knew we were Special. I knew our Kids were the Ones.

Mary: Tell me something about you that I don't know.

Mary: Tell me that You love me.

1...2...3...Cry....

And on it continued for the next few hours.

When I next saw Twink at the Pub; he had no recollections. He pissed his pants laughing just at the thought of telling me to Look Into The Light and Me believing it. As well he should.

I want to do justice to this story...

So I'll have to come back. Soon.