My Brilliant Television And Stage Career...

CCTV doesn't lie. This is why I could never consider going on a reality show like Big Brother. Besides- I'd go sane without a pen and paper and we can't have that,can we; though maybe I could try and smuggle one into the compound in my plait and then I could argue with Big Brother that it was a part of my physiology and that I needed a pen in order to function at an acceptable level...

Not that I would even pass the compulsory psychology assessment; I probably wouldn't even show up for that part of the audition- and that would be that.

But I'd really like to go on a Reality show- even though I know I wouldn't be a hundred percent comfortable knowing that my actions were being filmed twenty four seven. And I doubt that I'd even be considered interesting enough to make the cast.

I've been on television a few times, though- and had a few near misses as well- I was supposed to appear on Romper Room with my little friend who lived across the road from me but I chickened out at the last moment and didn't go. I can still remember watching the episode that I was supposed to be on; I was sitting in my baby-sitter Gay's lounge room, watching the children play Musical Chairs- my friend got out in the second round. But I can still remember wishing I had the nerve to go on the show with her. I wanted to sing the Morning Tea song with Miss Kim and be her little helper, turning the pages of the book at Story Time...

But I knew my Mother would have made me wear my nicest dress; the itchy red one with the blue dots that I had to wear at my fourth birthday party. And there was no way I was having any of that. So I told everyone that I had changed my mind and didn't want to go on television anymore.

I also had a bad feeling that Miss Kim might mistake me for a boy; like the lady at the Shopping Centre did that day when she asked for the 'little boy' in blue shorts to come forward so that he (I) could make a party hat with Humphrey B Bear- on stage in centre court.

I looked around- mortified that I had just been described as a boy; looking hopefully for some small boy behind me who she had correctly identified as male- even if it meant missing out- but I was not entirely surprised to find that she had indeed called out for me; that there were no other kids or boys behind me waiting to meet Humphrey- for it used to happen to Me all the time.

Before I went ahead with making my crepe-paper hat, I made sure that the beautiful announcer-lady with the microphone knew that I was a girl; which she then proceeded to announce to the crowd of parents and shoppers- only embarrassing me further still. Even then, aged about five I suppose, I knew that no one had ever made that mistake with her- that her long blonde hair was enough to make her appear female; that no one had Ever suspected she was a boy- even when she wore shorts, or chose to keep her hair cropped short in a crew-cut.

But enough about that...

The first time that I went on television I was fourteen and in the cast of a play called Monster's Under The Bed, which was a coming-of-age type story set at a school camp. My Kindred Spirit was also in the cast; we caught the bus to rehearsals after sport on Wednesdays together. It was only a small local production in a little-known children's theatre company- but it remains to this day my finest ever acting performance.

Not that I was actually acting very hard- because the character had been expressly written for Me, by a young playwright named Hilary, whom I'm sure went on to much greatness...

But anyway; my character's name was Terri-Anne Muir; she was an attention seeking Tom-boy whose manic antics were only barely tolerated by the other campers; and only because she was quite funny to watch in a pathetic type of way. And that's Me to a tee.

She's always making a fool of herself in some odd manner; like in the scene we had to perform on TV one Saturday morning, when we were promoting the play. That 'Popcorn' song is playing, and there are about five of us doing the actions to the 'Penguin Dance' in the background. The directions were for me to begin messing up the dance- during one character's Monologue; to begin walking like an Egyptian for example; and this is exactly what I did on my television debut.

I still keep trying to go on television, but nobody will let me on their game shows. I tried out for Hot Streak one time and bombed out- but I think it's because when I tried out for Wheel of Fortune with Dano and I got all the audition puzzles correct- and only three of the other two hundred auditioner's got them all right as well. I wonder if any of them got to go on the show; because I didn't. It must have been that they knew I was too good at their game and would win all the prizes or something. See; I told you I was an excellent speeler...

But they must be forgetting I still needed luck to win; which is something that I lack- and knowing Mine I would have spun up the Bankrupt wedge every time I had a turn.

Dano (who just quietly only got 11/15 in the audition)went on Wheel of Fortune and won a gardening package worth a thousand bucks- but I'm still waiting to hear back from them...five years later.

Anyway- that's my entire television career to date. Just thought I'd tell you about it.