STBADRA...

I've been trying to teach Gnome the words for about two hours I reckon; Grandma's going to get sick of us singing the same song over and over again. And Finally, just before we get there, we manage to make it through an entire rendition of Five Miles from Gundagai without her stuffing up the ending.

Hoo-fucking-ray.

We are lying flat in the dog-box of Grandma's little yellow Suzuki- flat, so that the Coppers don't catch us. We call the car 'Elle Dee Eye' because that's what the number plate is; and we're on the way to the Farm- just for the weekend. I can't remember why I got to go instead of one of my other Sisters. Everyone knows that they are better friends with Gnome than I am; even though we are cousins we rarely spent much time alone just the two of us. My Sisters are always with me when we visit Grandma's house; and because I'm younger than them they think I'm a pain in the arse, so I get left out all the time. Or locked out. Or just teased and harassed. I was the lucky one who got held down in the hallway that time- by the four of them- and had a hundred clothes pegs attached all over my face and ears...

I was also the recipient of that foul drink they concocted for Me once at the Farm; which I cautiously sipped at- blindfolded- until I got a taste of the coffee and pepper. They told me that if I don't drink it all down within the next three seconds that I'm not allowed to play Old Maid with them anymore- so I drank it down in two quick gulps until I copped a mouthful of the oven-fat that they had meticulously scraped from the oven tray- a tray that hadn't been cleaned in probably twenty years or more.

But back to the story...

I'm about ten years old, I suppose; which makes Gnome about twelve. She's Grandma and Grandpa's favourite because she lives with them at the big house on the Hill- but I never really noticed or worried that she was. It always seemed to me that she was the one who was perhaps a little jealous of me and my Sisters- and I don't mean that in a bad way; if only for the fact that we knew our father and she didn't know hers.

All she really knew about him was that his name was Peter and that he was married; but not to her mother. She named a rabbit in his honour.

I remember one day sitting on my bed playing a game of Scramble; we were writing rude words and the other had to unscramble it; and for my puzzle to her I wrote STBADRA. It was taking her a long time to figure it out so she asked me for a clue. I told her it should be easy for her to figure it out because she was one. I didn't understand- back then- why she got so offended. I thought it was just the term everyone used to describe children from one-parent families; I remember I was even pleased that I knew the 'definition' of who she was.

She called me a 'fucking little bitch' and ran out of the room, upset; and even though I really hadn't meant to offend her I don't think she ever really believed me when I told her that back then I didn't know that people used words as deliberate insults. I've since learned differently, of course...

But we had a really good weekend at the Farm- it was one of the few times we spent together as children one-on-one. We caught Peter and took turns galloping him bareback up the hill; Gnome wasn't as afraid as I was to ask the old Farmer up the road if she could have a ride on him. We went to the old dairy and watched as Wally de-horned the cows; and then he showed us around the milking shed and gave us both a warm mug of the sweet stuff to warm our hands in the cold dawn. I remember begging Grandpa to let us stay for just one more night because we were having so much fun...

I've never really worked out why my Sister's fell out with Gnome when they were all in their twenties. It couldn't have Just been about money; you don't pretend to stop loving someone over a few hundred dollars.

It was after Gnome divorced the Soldier who she'd married in the Park- when I welcomed him to the Family on their wedding day I shook his hand and awkwardly wished him luck; then told him that he'd probably need it (good luck) if he was to survive our somewhat bizarre family. My eldest Sister overheard my innocent comment and still laughs about it even Today. Well; she didn't laugh about it Today- but you get what I mean, I'm sure.

The funny thing was that I Wasn't trying to be funny. I wasn't in the mood for joking. Because I wasn't relaxed and I wasn't calm or happy. What I was was drunk and having a panic attack because I had just confided to Gnome's bridesmaid that I was six weeks pregnant- but that no one in the family knew about it yet. The only person I had told was my 'boyfriend'- and now I was worried that Gnome's friend would slip up and announce everything during one of the speeches. I worry about the look my Father's going to give me when he finds out that I'm just a stupid little bitch. My Mother will come around eventually; after she tries to dissuade me from having It.

My eldest Sister had moved out when she'd found herself pregnant at nineteen; and here I was at eighteen- facing the same lonely choice. At the time of Gnome's wedding I'd just quit working for the Crazy Swedish Bitch- I was getting too worried that I'd damage the baby I was carrying with all the horse-riding I had to do each day- but I'd given my Parents the excuse that I was just overly homesick for my friends and family and couldn't stand living in a cramped caravan miles from civilisation without a vehicle.

Gnome's friend didn't dob me in, though...

My Mother didn't learn the truth about my pregnancy until the day she read about it in my diary. Then she made the excuse that Dano had phoned her and told her about it; which I knew Instantly was a lie. Dano would never have betrayed Me, her Blood Sister- especially to my Mother; of all people.

She should have just told me the truth; that she was a diary perve. It's obviously genetic...

Just as I predicted my Mother spent the next five minutes trying to persuade me to have an abortion and then left; asking me to at least consider adoption- and promising to tell my Father for Me that I was up the Duff. She thought it might soften the blow.

And it just might have...

If she had told him.