A Blast From The Past...

Two years ago, Today, I wrote this post.

Pretty prophetic.

And seeing as I have not the strength , will or inclination to go into what's been happening in my sorry Life at the moment, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share this with You All instead.

Enjoy...

"The Sorry Bitch Who Caused It All..."

It's ten days til my Hubby's birthday. Another year older and as discontented with his life as I am with mine.

So we have our good moments. But it's not enough for either of us and we're just looking for an excuse- a chance to blame the other- why we failed, until we break up. Sometimes that is what I want; but mostly I need to be with him. Even when I could tear my hair out by the handful; even when I wish I had the nerve to just destroy myself from the inside out; or curl up and just die- I hold onto the thought that he loves me.

I don't know why he does but I know he does- for some reason. I don't deserve it; I'm too messed up.

I want him to find me right now- here- spilling these tears that I keep inside me all the time that can't come out. I feel so lost; no one understands me. Not even me. Why do I act this way; the way that I do? I'm so scared of losing everything so I drive it away before I can lose it. No one else would put up with me. Everyone else would leave or cheat on me and yet he doesn't. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want to hurt me or if it's because he doesn't want to be the one to cause our breakup. So he doesn't feel responsible- like he did the best he could and can be a martyr. That's maybe why I stay and put up with all the shit too.

I don't want to be the sorry bitch who caused it all to fall down. I don't want to be the one who ends it. That would make me the failure yet again; someone who can't keep a job, or a course or a relationship from failing.

I know I go on with crazy shit but at the time it's happening I feel perfectly justified; it's only afterwards that I look at my actions or words and decide I went too far. I try not to say anything half the time but then he badgers or goads me into an argument; or sometimes it's me who wants a fight. But I can't understand why he's still here when he obviously doesn't want to be. And I'm not sure that this will work out anymore- even though I used to be so sure that it would. I don't know that we are right together or even if either of us want to make it right. Or believe that it could be better.

We can't communicate. I can't understand him and he can't understand me. Christ only knows how hard I try and understand him- he doesn't even know that; how much time each day I think about Us and why things are shit. It's not supposed to be easy but surely it's not meant to be this fucking hard.

I don't think things could be much worse between us. I only have this blog to talk to; it's the only thing I can talk to and be heard- and that's a pretty dismal statement right there. I don't want to worry anyone. I want to be able to cop shit on the chin and take everything in stride but I'm losing. Again. And who needs to hear my shit? Who would even care to know it?

Now I just feel sorry for myself as usual.

I want to go to bed but I don't even know where I'm welcome to sleep- and the only reason I know I'll be able to go to sleep is the four beers I drank earlier and the tired eyes I have from crying and snotting all over the table cloth.

My Life- all that it encompasses- just sucks shit today. It'll be the same tomorrow and the day after that and the next and the next.

I'm tired of making excuses. I just can't do it anymore.