Sad...But True...

This tirade only proves to me one thing; that you never believed in our relationship or trusted in my love for you.

I have loved you since the first day that I met you; chased you like a fool and tried to get you to fall in love with me. I don't even know if I was successful. I think you only started going out with me at all because we had a child and you wanted to be a part of his life. Much like now; I think all of your attempts at trying to work things out with me have been because you want to live in the same house with Little Son.

We had problems WAY before we BOTH started partying at the weekends, every weekend. I think you started becoming suspicious of me because you felt you were losing control of me and so you started trying to dictate the terms by which I could enjoy myself. You were happiest when you could go out alone with your mates; when I was at home with Little Son when he was a baby. When he got a bit older you seemed to resent it that I could go out too; and then would try and control when I had to leave.

For the record; I didn't hang off other men and portray myself as single. The only people we hung around with were our friends and people who knew I was in a relationship with two children. The times that you left and went home alone I was always in the company of our friends, like Twink or Mac, CC or Jen Jen. Ask them if I even once cheated on you when we were together. I didn't. So, of course when you accused me of cheating (or wanting to)I would deny it. It didn't even matter to you if I was telling the truth; once it got into your head you believed it regardless of what I said. No one likes to be accused of being a liar, hubby; which is why the arguments happened. You had your own version of the truth and I didn't have to accept it as true when I knew I wasn't doing what you were (and still are) accusing me of.

You were jealous when I was only being myself. You didn't like the fact that people found me funny or interesting to be around. It somehow irked you not to be the centre of attention, which I never asked or needed to be. You even said yourself, on many occasions, that people liked me more than you. I can't help being who I am and I won't apologise for being me. Lots of people like who I am, even if you don't.

It was only towards the end that you decided to want to do things together as a family. You hated doing the family thing as far as I could tell. You went to the pub every afternoon and all weekend you spent with your mates; and I was like your mother, picking you up and driving you around. You even had me drive you to Norty's the morning I was in labour with Little Son. So much for caring about being a family; I almost didn't wake you up when I went to the hospital I was so angry at you for being drunk. And it would have served you right to miss out on his birth; you barely supported me throughout the whole pregnancy; like you were in denial. Then after he was born it was back to business as usual for you. Mates came first; followed by the pub. Me and the kids barely seemed to rate a second thought. You can say that's not true, if you like, but that's how it seemed to me. I'll show you my diaries again if you like. It felt like you had rejected me all over again.

I'm not going to go into the Taz thing with you; except to say that I don't have sex all around the house for the kids to see and hear. The times that you and I have made plans to spend time together Taz has always backed off and let that happen. He's told me he'd like nothing more than to see me and you back together, but as time and time again keep proving, he doesn't see that happening with any happy outcome. When I've 'run back to see him', as you put, it has been because I can trust him not to hurt me. Something I don't think I'll ever safely be able to say about you again.

What happens the Next time that you get angry at me and lose your temper? Did you see or envision my face when you were smashing the glass above my bed? I think we both know that there Will be a Next Time. Next time you might put me into hospital. Or worse. You've even said I'd deserve it. And that I encourage violence. Who does That? That really makes me reconsider the fact that I actually want to trust you and believe that you won't hurt me again when I know what you are capable of doing. And what you've already DONE.

Yes; everyone has a breaking point. But not many show theirs with such aggression and violence. The times I've got in your face and yelled was in protest for false, deluded and paranoid accusations. And for the mental abuse you put me through, like when you'd call me a fucking mental bitch when it's now been Proven that it's actually You who has most of the problems. I'm glad you accepted that to a point; but I also believe it was your intention all along to sway the judge with the '"Poor me. I've got mental issues" card so that the charges of spousal physical abuse would go away. People tell me I've done the wrong thing by not continuing the court proceedings and letting you off the assault charge. If you'd been convicted, and you Would have, maybe you would have eventually seen the error of your ways.

Getting away with it (and you have) only justifies the excuses you've made to yourself all along.

Knowing all this; it's not only you who would be the Dumbest Person on The Planet if we tried to make it work again. I'd be a right Royal Fuckwit, too, to put myself smack bang in the path of your chaos and destructive nature. You aren't the placid, easy going person that you actually think you are. You've got a lot of aggression in you that stems from god only knows where. I've thought about it for a lot of years and wondered if it could ever change. I should have known the first time, when you pushed me into your bedroom mirror at Stayton Street, that you aren't capable of change.

And THAT, my Friend...Is sad. But True.

Miss Constrewed x