Paying The Price...

I don't even know what I'm going to write yet...

Fancy that. Me stuck for words.

I'm confused in what I'm feeling. On one hand I miss you; trust Me. I miss you everyday. I miss your funny can-opener smile. I miss you holding me at night.

The other part of Me doesn't miss the arguments we had. I think we both know it's for the best that we separated when we did.

I wanted it to work out; maybe they still will one day but I don't want to give you false hope either. I want to work on being mates for a while. I know we can still get on. I know in my heart that we still love each other. I know that you miss being here with me and the kids.

We both fucked up. Neither of us listened to each other. Both of us had valid reasons in what we were trying to say. It was just that the words kept coming out wrong. And nasty.

When I thought you hated Me I thought the best way to cope was to move on. It was my intention to forget you. Replace you. You know I don't know how to be alone. But you aren't replaced. You can't be. Because you're Hubby. Still the man I love.

I wish things were different. I didn't want this to happen. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we were in it for Life. You are my husband. Or should I say Was. We lost each other and now we have to pay the price.

I'm happy sometimes. I enjoy Tazz's company. He helps me out when I need it. It's not his intention to get in between You and Me. I know you and I can't mend anything while he and I are "Friends"; but you and I can mend our friendship. I still would be keen to go to counselling with you and see where we end up. Maybe it's too late to go back to what we had; but that doesn't mean we can't have a future.

Being apart is changing who I am as person so I presume it's doing the same for you. It's still only early days. I don't like thinking that there is Never the chance we'll end up falling back in love and living together again one day.

First things first; I need you in my life. And not just because you are the father of our children. You are too important to me. Such a big part of my Life and thoughts. I think we need to give each other this time apart to sort out our shit. It's my hope that giving each other this space we'll realise that it's each other who we end up wanting again. Only time will tell I guess.

I didn't mean to upset you on Friday night. I don't remember everything that I said but I know I upset you when I kissed you. I miss being able to. Still; I didn't intend to confuse you further. I was over-emotional so I'm sorry. Even if I don't regret doing it. Maybe that's the last time so if it is; Thank you.

It was nice to have you scratch my back and touch my face while I cried; over what we've lost. What we Had. It was nice to feel you beside me. Nice to know you're still there for me when I'm a wreck. I hope you know I'm here for you, too, whenever you need. For anything.

I don't know what the point is in rehashing everything that's gone wrong in our relationship. I think we've both come to the conclusion that we fucked up. Royally. I can't forget the bad shit that happened but I have forgiven it. Time to move on, hey? Get our shit in a pile, so to speak. Maybe even grow up.

Anyway; there's always more shit on my mind but I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading this far; presuming that you Did! I know how much you 'love' reading my letters. You're always welcome to come visit me here. If I'm angry at anyone anymore it's only at myself for being an A-Grade loser with no job or car or money. If it helps; call me. I don't want to drift apart. Then there really Is no going back.

Love You.

x

A Letter To Miss Fancy Pants...

Hey Luvvvy

I've been meaning to call you, too! I was only saying to Honey today that I must get off my lazy A and give you a ring. Which I still will. Promise!

Xmas and New Year were okay, thanks; a little stressful with Hubby and me fighting on Xmas Eve, but we went to J and M's for New Year and were getting on okay until we had another argument so him and Twinkle Toes left about 10.30. We're trying to get on; not to get back together (for the moment at least) just to try and be mates again. Love life is going okay. I have a "friend" I think I told you about, Tazzie. He's nice to me but I'm under no illusion that it's going to get very serious. He's going through his own crap with his ex, wants her back etc. Still it's nice to have a friend. We play cards and laugh for hours. He's stayed over the last three nights in a row (nya nya nya).

How about yourself? Did you get up to see the rellies for Chrissy? How was New Year?

Yes the mobile has been temporarily turned off until I pay the bill; it's only a pre-pay now but I owe them money from getting out of the contract early. I paid most of it last week and Hubby is going halves with me, so I should get the number back soon. I can call on my home phone though; don't know if you have that number but its 123456789.

Been drinking too much cask but have been without bongs; too rich for broke little me. But Honey, god love her, is bringing me over a few buds tomorrow after work. I'll say hi for you!

Will call you soon Luv. Miss our chats. Say hi to E.

Ciao!

Miss Constrewed.

Moving On...

(NB Same old story; Different Day...)

Note To Self?

Wake the fuck up.

And Your Good Self?

You've put me through Hell.

And back.

Now you want Me back?

What we had? Well; it's all gone now.

So go and Get Yourself Fucked, already.

I have.

Get This...

Straight.

I owe you fucking Nothing. Not one fucking Thing.

Tazz is who I'm missing. It's his company; Not yours: that I want tonight.

He has Never disrespected me...

He's Twice the person that you are even capable of being.

I don't give a fuck what you think you know, hubby.

You're the one who wants ME back.

So I don't have to hear the abuse any more.

If I'm as fucked as you say, then leave me be.

I've proven to Myself that I don't need you now.

You think you stand a chance of getting me to love you again?

I don't think I could put myself through it...

You haven't changed.

You never will.

You'll never listen.

You'll never understand.

This is why it's Over.

This is Why...

I'm moving On.

Daymare...

Still playing along at home?

Nothing current here, Folks; just trying to complete the Transplant. Still.

Now I'm Jobless I've got no more excuses...

Quite weird to re-read this shit; I'd forgotten a lot of what's happened.

All I know is I can't wait for 2008 to Fuck Off. It's been a frigging living Daymare!

Where I'm At...

His sister drove him over tonight so that he could get more clothes. Little Son bombarded him as soon as he walked through the door.

LS: Can I stay with you Dad?

Him: Not tonight Matey. I'll be here on Sunday. I promise.

He had better be.

I asked him whether he would come to the RTA to fix up the registration. He said he would. He asked me What Day? I told him Wednesday. He said he'd call me about it. I wanted to tell him I'd see him on Saturday at Twink's birthday. But I don't know if I'll even go yet.

I'm supposed to ring Wemmaly right now; I hope to find out when she's moving back to Town. I need to start looking for houses. Yesterday. But then I lost the keys to my new car and I haven't had a spare set cut yet; so I'll be hoping to find them before the weekend's out. They are in the house somewhere because I managed to drive the car here. One good thing about it; No One came down on me for my absentmindedness. For a change...

So that's where I'm at. Trying to remember that something good might come out of this. For the four of Us. However separate We are.

And now You All will have to excuse me...

Because right Now all I want to do is put on his jumper.

And cry.

5.37 PM...

Monday afternoon. After work.

I was sitting with Kasper at the Pub; admiring his stitches and discussing how the Hot Rigger had pushed into him while he was carrying a stack of glasses. Then hubby walked in with Twink and Fido. They all had a roster day. I was half way through my first beer...

Him: Nice of you to tell me you were coming to the Pub. Didn't think to ask if I might've wanted a lift?

Me: I only just got here. And remember (our conversation about It being Over)?

Him: (under his breath) Fuck you, then.

I went inside and sat with Mac's brother Jeffro. I hadn't seen him since his birthday. He used to be best mates with Jessie (the guy I went hunting Friday night) and so I quietly told him what was going on with hubby and what I'd been up to.

Me: If you see Him; you tell him for me...Buffoon's looking for him.

He said that he would.

Then I had to collect little Son and make a trip to the RTA to change over the registration papers of the new car we just bought. I asked hubby if he wanted to come now or later (we were still staying there Together at this point). And he told me After.

So I got little Son. We were in the RTA and I'd left my phone in the car. I'd only been inside for about ten minutes but when we got back to the car the phone was ringing off the hook. It also said I had three missed calls.

I rang him.

Him: What's your fucking caper? Not answering your phone?

Me: I told you I was going to the RTA.

He was yelling shit; not listening again as I tried to justify his stupid accusations. I hung up. He rang again and I listened again to his Shit before yelling back that I wouldn't be much longer and then hung up again.

I drove out to CC's to pick up the chairs we'd left there after the Spit Roast on the weekend; mainly because hubby had gone off at Me so bad for lending them in the first place- worried that we'd never get them back. Anyway; I was halfway there; so I drove over to get them. We were just getting them out of the shed when he rang again.

Him: Where the fuck are you now?

Me: CC's. I'm just picking up the chairs while I was out this way.

Him: That's not what you fucking said.

Me: You didn't give me a chance to say Anything.

Him: Fuck your Fucked.

About this point I hung up again. When he rang back again this time I gave the phone to CC to answer.

CC: It's CC, hubby.

You could hear him ranting down the phone at her; just like he does to Me.

CC: She hasn't said Anything like that. She only came to get the chairs.

He wouldn't listen to her either and so she handed the phone back to me. I listened for another minute then hung up on him again; but not before he said...

Him: Fuck you. Bring me my money and I'll stay at Twink's.

I dropped him down five hundred bucks; pretty much all of it. He told me he'd be up in a while to pack a bag.

Me: Fine. You won't be missed.

He made the 'crazy finger'; implying I was fucked in the head. As I drove away I yelled at him to remember that I was the one who had left him.

An hour later Mac drove him up to get some stuff; and in the process he happened to grab most of My 'stuff'. He doesn't even smoke the shit himself. I went after him into the bedroom and pushed my hand into his pocket.

Him: Don't fucking touch me Buffoon.

Me: Just give me back my pot Prick.

Him: Fuck off.

Mac said bye as they left. At 5.37pm I rang Centrelink and told them I wanted to change my Circumstances. Sometime during being on the phone I realised the irony of touching him for perhaps the last time Ever I was trying to get shit off him. Pretty sad, hey?

So it's sorted, Folks. I'm officially a Single Woman. At least I will be once the ink has dried. There's no divorce to sort through; being as he never once even asked me to marry him in all those years.

I guess he didn't think I was worth it.

Then I rang M. Then Wemmaly (hopefully, and things are looking good- we might move out together, me my kids and Lifelong friend); and hubby can have this place back in a few weeks). Then my Sisters. And Mother. She said in six months time I'll wonder why I didn't do It years ago.

Then Miss Fancy Pants rang; with the exciting news she's flying out to Thailand in a few days and wanting to know if I wanted to go out for a Farewell drink later in the week. I told her what was happening; and within the hour she was on doorstep with a six pack in her hand. We cooked an omelette at midnight and she slept on the lounge.

My Alibi.

I had a sleep in the next morning; then got up and took the kids to school and went to work. Pretty much the same day except without him in it. After school was over little Son and I went over to CC's so that I could Vent.

The phone rang. It was hubby.

Me: Hello

Him: I've only been gone for one day and You're already dumping your kids on your mother's doorstep and are out all night on the piss...

Me: Leave me alone will you? I was fucking Not. I don't know where you heard That from. I had little Son all night with Me and eldest Son goes there Monday nights anyway (because he has a piano lesson in the morning). For your information Miss Fancy Pants came up and slept over. Check your facts first.

I hung up; knowing full well that Me having Miss Fancy Pants over was probably driving him insane with jealousy. He needn't have worried; because whatever little Fantasy hubby has of ever being with MFP will Never happen after the little chat me and her had. I made sure of that.

This was three nights ago. And we've had no contact with each other since.

I must admit I haven't felt Much; except anger that he hasn't even bothered to contact either of the kids. Eldest Son is coping better than I am with it all; but then he's Always been my staunchest support. Little Son wants to know if Daddy is still coming to his birthday. It's not until January but I guess it's playing on his mind.

Little Son: I thought Daddy said he was going to fix this house.

I did too, Darlin'...

So did I.

He Drove Us There...

So much to say...

After work. Friday. I was picking him up. I'd told him it was Over the night before. But that I'd still be here with the kids- at least until I'd made further arrangements. Because living with my Mother again would just about kill Me I think.

I retaliated first but I'm sure that it was justified.

Me: I thought I told you that it was over last night. I haven't taken that back you know. That still stands.

Then after no deliberation I high tailed it out of there. On a mission. To find Jessie; though I got kicked out of no less than three establishments for wearing thongs and being inebriated. Even though I told the Bouncers at the door I was only "looking for Somebody. Somewhere along the way I ate a kebab. Then; as a last resort I ended up at a gay bar.

He's Somebody I haven't seen in ten years. Someone who I Know has the Perfect Penis.All eight and a hakf inches of perfection.

And I couldn't find him again.

So I went over to Twink's. By now the cab fares were really starting to hit the hip pocket. My friend's Jen Jen and Daz and Lorne were there; while hubby (Notice that he's lower case) was unknowingly asleep upstairs in the spare room.

Now Lorne is my Mate. From the Fishing Club. Of which I'm a member of. And he's a good mate of Mac's which makes him a good mate of mine. But he's also a Pisces. Like hubby. So I took very unkindly to his demeaning and fucked up comments that peppered our 'conversation'...

Him (Lorne): Suck my whistle Bitch.

This was when I backhanded him across the face. I even vaguely remember doing it. It felt great.

Me: Don't fucking speak to me like that Prick. Just because No one is paying attention to you.

Him: Fuck you're a Bitch.

Me: You fucking deserved that.

About Then- hubby flew down out of the spare bedroom where he'd been sleeping- yelling at Me to stop "getting up his mate".

Me:(to hubby) You keep the fuck out of this. You don't have any idea what's this even about. This is between me and Lorne. And Remember what I said about Us?

He slunk off. As always. All Talk. About five in the morning I left them all asleep and went home; although in fact as I recall I learned more than a few secrets along the way. Some things you just don't need to know.

Saturday hubby played cricket up the Bay while I was at a 1st Birthday party of one of our closest friends. Boy is gorgeous. So his his Father; Norty- who's 'married to one of my best mate's CC. They were having a party and cooking a pork spit roast. The party was just around the corner from my mother in laws; and it was pool party- and after cricket finished hubby joined us.

I was off my head but CC remembers telling him to leave Me alone. That he was Unimpressive. I went back to my Inlaw's for the night; but only because that was where our little Son already was asleep in the caravan out the back...

He drove us there. We fell asleep and woke up early because I had to work. Maybe he wanted to touch me; I guess I'll never know now. Little Son went with his parents the next day while I worked and then spent a few hours at the pub. I'd had a missed call from him; he wante dme to bring him home something for lunch. I had been going to go to the Pub with M after work but I went out of way for somebody who treats me like shit most of the time and ordered him a hamburger and piece if crumbed fish. Even though I still haven't we are back together he expects it.

Sunday night; he fell asleep early. He had a roster day on Monday. I worked.

Now I feel like I'm blocking it out...

I'll have to come back to This.