The car shat itself again; though not as badly as the last time. Only the starter motor- though god knows how much that will cost me. My Father's probably already dreading the call.
Well that sums a shit day altogether; no money- I had to pilfer money out of my Son's bank account so that I could afford smokes; then the car; then no beer. If my Hubby had gotten home earlier Iwould have walked down to the Club for a six-pack, but I had to go without.
I actually ran out of alcohol. Well; I could've had that bourbon but I had no Coke. Of course my Hubby thinks I'm angry at him for being late- I knew he'd be late because I couldn't pick him up. Of course he wouldn't think I could be angry or upset at anything else; or upset or frustrated about the car stuffing up or worried about getting the money to pay for it. That wouldn't have crossed his mind at all. He wouldn't think that I'm anxious to miss uni for the rest of the week; or that I'm thinking how easy it would be for Me to slack off completly now because things are out of my control again.
No- he just thinks I'm here to sabotage his life by hiding the scissors from him.
Does he really think I'm so fucking vindictive- or that I care or even know where he lays them down? Does he think that it's even possible that I might not have even touched or seen them all day? He says I don't care where they are; my god he's perceptive. I couldn't give a fuck where they are. But it's like my responsibility to know where he's put them; or his shirts or his belt or his bong or esky or knife or Whatever he's looking for at the time. Do you know where I put....? It's my cue to jump up and search for the offending item. To lament it's missing. To give a shit.
But to yell at me in front of his mate and accuse me of all this ridiculous shit...what the fuck is he playing at? He can care that the Barmaid is being harrassed by blokes at the pub; he gives a shit when the prostitutes at the Bikie Club are getting hit on and will go to Their rescue- but he can't even acknowledge that he hurts my feelings.
Oops. He Did say he was sorry. Like that makes it all okay until next time. He was probably embarrassed for acting that way in front of his mate and that's why he apologised. I doubt he even realises what he does sometimes, he gets so trashed.
He better not piss the bed tonight cos I just made the bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Sixty Four Thousand Dollar Question...
How can I fix things by myself with no help from my Hubby? Am I supposed to just take things on the chin, be a good little woman and do as I'm expected? He won't talk to me; won't read the letters I write to him; won't read a book- yet everything is supposed to be left up to me if I'm to save our relationship.
I'm the one doing the hard work here; I'm the one baring my fucking soul to a book for Chrissakes. There's no where else to go from here.
Tell me Dr Phil what happens after I've done all the work, after I work through all my problems and hang-ups. What then? Does he miraculously become caring towards me all of a sudden? Is it only me or I am being misled into believing that everything is my fault? Okay; I accept my part of the responsibility for when things are up the shit- but when does everyone else accept their responsibilities? My Hubby's not reading your book; his views won't change just because mine might. I may as well have never heard of your book for all the good it's going to do.
We can't even agree. He's a hypocrite; he's insensitive; he's ignorant; he's tactless (sorry baby but you are). Totally. And none of these character traits are going to change just because I read a book and document how I feel or how I might change. He's going to stay the same forever- never grow. As far as I can see, Dr Phil, your book is only going to be the end of Us, because I will Really start to notice all of my Hubby's shortcomings in trying to understand mine.
I'm doing as much as I can to understand Him. It's not reciprocated. I'm at a loss; I can't possibly win. He will never accept who I am- my opinions or choices. This is a farce- one that will ultimately end. I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm delaying the inevitable.
Except for the small thing that I love him so much that it physically hurts.
I'm the one doing the hard work here; I'm the one baring my fucking soul to a book for Chrissakes. There's no where else to go from here.
Tell me Dr Phil what happens after I've done all the work, after I work through all my problems and hang-ups. What then? Does he miraculously become caring towards me all of a sudden? Is it only me or I am being misled into believing that everything is my fault? Okay; I accept my part of the responsibility for when things are up the shit- but when does everyone else accept their responsibilities? My Hubby's not reading your book; his views won't change just because mine might. I may as well have never heard of your book for all the good it's going to do.
We can't even agree. He's a hypocrite; he's insensitive; he's ignorant; he's tactless (sorry baby but you are). Totally. And none of these character traits are going to change just because I read a book and document how I feel or how I might change. He's going to stay the same forever- never grow. As far as I can see, Dr Phil, your book is only going to be the end of Us, because I will Really start to notice all of my Hubby's shortcomings in trying to understand mine.
I'm doing as much as I can to understand Him. It's not reciprocated. I'm at a loss; I can't possibly win. He will never accept who I am- my opinions or choices. This is a farce- one that will ultimately end. I'm afraid. I don't know why I'm delaying the inevitable.
Except for the small thing that I love him so much that it physically hurts.
I Want To Feel But I Want To Be Numb...
Well; I finished Dr Phil's book yesterday and took it back to the library this morning. I feel as though I learnt a good deal about myself through doing the assignments he sets in the book. I wish I owned it to refer back to from time to time.
Let's see then; where I am at the moment.
The drinking has certainly eased up; I did not drink for five days last week; though I was pretty sick from this cold. I drank quite a lot on Friday and Saturday nights and on Sunday I had five beers. The hardest thing is that now some people know I am making an effort to cut down; so I am wondering what they will think of me if I do get on it hard? My Hubby has not made any comment thus far; in fact I had to tell him I've been trying to cut down. Funnily enough I thought I if I made a real effort then he would too; and might even cut back on his own drinking or smoking. I guess He can't change what he doesn't acknowledge first either. I had also hoped that he might express some sort of praise and encouragement my way; that he might be proud of me for even trying.
It's easier some days than others. I thought to myself last night that I had better get drunk tonight because today I thought I had to go to a meeting at my Son's school; but I don't have to go anywhere now. So I'm sort of planning on going down to the Club. I'm looking forward to Fridays more and more because my Father doesn't know I've cut down so there's no pressure from him.
On the other hand it isn't so hard really. Last night I think I would've felt guilty if I had done what I wanted and had a big glass of wine. I did want to. But I didn't want to let my Hubby down. Or my Son- who I've been wondering if he's noticed for the past few weeks that I haven't been drinking every night? Would he even notice? He's only six after all...
It's odd to sit there without a glass; sometimes I reach over out of habit and then remember there is no glass there. On one hand I am happy that I can be strong about it; and on the other I can't wait until I fail at this too, so I can go back to my old, easy ways. To be honest I really believe it's just a matter of time; because I truly miss it. I miss the fuzziness of it; the company it gives; the relief from thought. It's been my true friend for a long time now; even if it was an evil friend. It did and Did Not delude me; in a sense I can't even explain.
It was easy to accept; easy to stay with. I'm not proud of that but it's true. I love to be drunk. I like the freedom it gives me. On the other hand I hate how it restricts me and holds me back from doing what I have to do. Go figure that out. It should be the easiest thing in the world to give up- but it's the hardest; because it means so much. It's like part of me has died; but another part is born- and I don't know which I prefer. I want to give up but I don't want to stop; I want to feel but I want to be numb; I want to care but I couldn't care less. I know it's all up to me to improve myself but I still want help and encouragement and support from other people; especially my Hubby.
I know I have to change or my relationship is doomed; but I wish he would meet me half-way. I'm not the only one with a problem; yet that is how he makes me feel; that everything is my doing- my fault.If I stopped my problems then everything would be better. He doesn't accept he's contributed to the problems and that's hard for me to bear. But how do I get him to stop this? How can I get him to change when I know he won't? He's Never wrong; not in his mind. Not even partly wrong. I try and do my best but it never seems good enough for him.
Just Once I'd like to be told that I did my best; that I couldn't have done any better than what I did. Simple acknowledgement is all I ask for. Acknowledgement that he is also responsible for our problems; and a promise from him that he will try as hard as me to put things right.
Let's see then; where I am at the moment.
The drinking has certainly eased up; I did not drink for five days last week; though I was pretty sick from this cold. I drank quite a lot on Friday and Saturday nights and on Sunday I had five beers. The hardest thing is that now some people know I am making an effort to cut down; so I am wondering what they will think of me if I do get on it hard? My Hubby has not made any comment thus far; in fact I had to tell him I've been trying to cut down. Funnily enough I thought I if I made a real effort then he would too; and might even cut back on his own drinking or smoking. I guess He can't change what he doesn't acknowledge first either. I had also hoped that he might express some sort of praise and encouragement my way; that he might be proud of me for even trying.
It's easier some days than others. I thought to myself last night that I had better get drunk tonight because today I thought I had to go to a meeting at my Son's school; but I don't have to go anywhere now. So I'm sort of planning on going down to the Club. I'm looking forward to Fridays more and more because my Father doesn't know I've cut down so there's no pressure from him.
On the other hand it isn't so hard really. Last night I think I would've felt guilty if I had done what I wanted and had a big glass of wine. I did want to. But I didn't want to let my Hubby down. Or my Son- who I've been wondering if he's noticed for the past few weeks that I haven't been drinking every night? Would he even notice? He's only six after all...
It's odd to sit there without a glass; sometimes I reach over out of habit and then remember there is no glass there. On one hand I am happy that I can be strong about it; and on the other I can't wait until I fail at this too, so I can go back to my old, easy ways. To be honest I really believe it's just a matter of time; because I truly miss it. I miss the fuzziness of it; the company it gives; the relief from thought. It's been my true friend for a long time now; even if it was an evil friend. It did and Did Not delude me; in a sense I can't even explain.
It was easy to accept; easy to stay with. I'm not proud of that but it's true. I love to be drunk. I like the freedom it gives me. On the other hand I hate how it restricts me and holds me back from doing what I have to do. Go figure that out. It should be the easiest thing in the world to give up- but it's the hardest; because it means so much. It's like part of me has died; but another part is born- and I don't know which I prefer. I want to give up but I don't want to stop; I want to feel but I want to be numb; I want to care but I couldn't care less. I know it's all up to me to improve myself but I still want help and encouragement and support from other people; especially my Hubby.
I know I have to change or my relationship is doomed; but I wish he would meet me half-way. I'm not the only one with a problem; yet that is how he makes me feel; that everything is my doing- my fault.If I stopped my problems then everything would be better. He doesn't accept he's contributed to the problems and that's hard for me to bear. But how do I get him to stop this? How can I get him to change when I know he won't? He's Never wrong; not in his mind. Not even partly wrong. I try and do my best but it never seems good enough for him.
Just Once I'd like to be told that I did my best; that I couldn't have done any better than what I did. Simple acknowledgement is all I ask for. Acknowledgement that he is also responsible for our problems; and a promise from him that he will try as hard as me to put things right.
What I Want...
I guess I don't want to be afraid. I want to live Life; it won't always be here. I want to be stable; emotionally, mentally, financially. I want a good job that pays well so I can go off Welfare. I want to be true to myself and others.
I want to be the Real Buffoon who lives inside of Me; the one who is capable of anything, the adaptable loving and happy me. I want to like who I am; to be able to look in the mirror and think that I am okay. I want the past to stop hurting my future. I want my depressive nature to fuck off; I know I won't always be happy but I'm sick of being mostly sad.
I want my Hubby to like the person that I really am and to accept me for who I am. I want my Son to be proud of his mother. I want to try again at life; to get it right this time. I want a second chance to prove myself to myself and everyone else. Sounds corny doesn't it; but that's what I want.
What must I do to have all this? Not so easy. How do you stop being afraid? I guess I just have to wake up every morning and get out of bed and face Life for a start-hopefully with a positive frame of mind. I have to go to uni and finish it in order to get a job. I have to be more understanding to my Hubby and Son. I have to tell them what's going on in my head; let them in. I have to learn to ask for what I want. I have to accept my limitations and short-comings; and learn not to take them to heart. I'm not a failure because I can't do any More; I'm only a failure if I do Less than I can.
I have to control my drinking- which I have been trying to do- so that I can focus on what's important in my life instead of blocking everything out. I have to learn to like myself; maybe I could start by buying some new clothes or changing my hair or something- I'm always the same big dag. I have to keep working on my mind; this book has definitely started something in me. I like to write things down and put the feelings Out there; even if they're only ever known by me; because at least then they are acknowledged. My own mind is clearer about who I am and what I want I have to do. I have to believe in myself and my ability. I have to like me again.
How would I feel if I did? In control of my Life again. At the moment- and in the past- it's been like everything that has happened is beyond my control. I don't want to be a control-freak; but I can control aspects of my life. Like how much I drink; how I react when my Hubby and I argue; how I am towards my Son. When I finish uni and get a job I'll have more control financially; I can finally feel like I'm contributing to my family. As it is I don't deserve the money I get from the government. I didn't earn any of it. When I can get out of bed every morning and go to a job I will feel valued in the community and be able to put back the money I've needed to take with my taxes. I will eventually repay the assitance I received. Then I will feel that I am a full member of the house hold and not just a boarder.
How will I feel when my drinking is under control? Sober. Well again. I really do like the obliteration that drinking offers me but I realise that this isn't the way I want to spend my life. If I could like what I saw in the mirror I guess I would feel satisfied with what I have. I would feel grateful that I wasn't sick or terminally ill or disfigured. I wouldn't feel threatened when other chicks check out my Hubby- or when he looks at them- because I'd know I wasn't that bad; that while he could definitely do better than me physically but that he'd be hard pressed to find someone as genuine and true as I am.
If I could like me I guess I'd find my true best friend. In me...
So what I really want is to like and accept myself for who I am; warts and all; good and bad; thick and thin. To be the best I can be but to accept my limitations and know that if I've Really done my best or tried my hardest then I have done all that I could; the only way I knew how to. And to get past that and keep on living. I want to be the best possible mother to my Son. I want to keep loving my Hubby and for him to keep loving me. I want fulfillment. I want happiness. I want acceptance. I want help. I want to help myself. I want love. I want to be loved. I want To love.
What must I do to get this? I have to let go of all the disappointments of the past. I have to let go of the hurt. I have to accept that I am worthy of what I want and then go after it. I have to learn that nobody else will do it for me. I have to be brave and vulnerable all at the same time. I can't afford to be complacent about it; thinking that these things will just come to me or materialise out of thin air. I have to physically want these things; visualise them to be mine. I have to lay my soul on the line and prepare for it to be trampled on; hurt badly. I can't afford to wrap up my feelings and hide them away anymore. I have to put myself on the starting line if I'm going to enter the race.
How would that make me feel? Worthwhile of everybody's love. Happy. Like I had enough faith in myself to try; even if it meant I might fail I'd still given it a go. So I guess what I really want is self-respect. That would get me out of bed in the morning. That would make my relationship with my Hubby stronger because I wouldn't hide my true feeling or suppress them because I don't value them. That would make me clean up my act; because I wouldn't want to think of myself as a Drunk; or as unwashed; or as having rotten teeth or dressed like the dog's dinner. If I had pride in myself I wouldn't need to get drunk all the time because I thought it made people like me better. I would stand up for myself and would insist on Not being treated like a doormat.
Dr Phil you are a Genius.
I want to be the Real Buffoon who lives inside of Me; the one who is capable of anything, the adaptable loving and happy me. I want to like who I am; to be able to look in the mirror and think that I am okay. I want the past to stop hurting my future. I want my depressive nature to fuck off; I know I won't always be happy but I'm sick of being mostly sad.
I want my Hubby to like the person that I really am and to accept me for who I am. I want my Son to be proud of his mother. I want to try again at life; to get it right this time. I want a second chance to prove myself to myself and everyone else. Sounds corny doesn't it; but that's what I want.
What must I do to have all this? Not so easy. How do you stop being afraid? I guess I just have to wake up every morning and get out of bed and face Life for a start-hopefully with a positive frame of mind. I have to go to uni and finish it in order to get a job. I have to be more understanding to my Hubby and Son. I have to tell them what's going on in my head; let them in. I have to learn to ask for what I want. I have to accept my limitations and short-comings; and learn not to take them to heart. I'm not a failure because I can't do any More; I'm only a failure if I do Less than I can.
I have to control my drinking- which I have been trying to do- so that I can focus on what's important in my life instead of blocking everything out. I have to learn to like myself; maybe I could start by buying some new clothes or changing my hair or something- I'm always the same big dag. I have to keep working on my mind; this book has definitely started something in me. I like to write things down and put the feelings Out there; even if they're only ever known by me; because at least then they are acknowledged. My own mind is clearer about who I am and what I want I have to do. I have to believe in myself and my ability. I have to like me again.
How would I feel if I did? In control of my Life again. At the moment- and in the past- it's been like everything that has happened is beyond my control. I don't want to be a control-freak; but I can control aspects of my life. Like how much I drink; how I react when my Hubby and I argue; how I am towards my Son. When I finish uni and get a job I'll have more control financially; I can finally feel like I'm contributing to my family. As it is I don't deserve the money I get from the government. I didn't earn any of it. When I can get out of bed every morning and go to a job I will feel valued in the community and be able to put back the money I've needed to take with my taxes. I will eventually repay the assitance I received. Then I will feel that I am a full member of the house hold and not just a boarder.
How will I feel when my drinking is under control? Sober. Well again. I really do like the obliteration that drinking offers me but I realise that this isn't the way I want to spend my life. If I could like what I saw in the mirror I guess I would feel satisfied with what I have. I would feel grateful that I wasn't sick or terminally ill or disfigured. I wouldn't feel threatened when other chicks check out my Hubby- or when he looks at them- because I'd know I wasn't that bad; that while he could definitely do better than me physically but that he'd be hard pressed to find someone as genuine and true as I am.
If I could like me I guess I'd find my true best friend. In me...
So what I really want is to like and accept myself for who I am; warts and all; good and bad; thick and thin. To be the best I can be but to accept my limitations and know that if I've Really done my best or tried my hardest then I have done all that I could; the only way I knew how to. And to get past that and keep on living. I want to be the best possible mother to my Son. I want to keep loving my Hubby and for him to keep loving me. I want fulfillment. I want happiness. I want acceptance. I want help. I want to help myself. I want love. I want to be loved. I want To love.
What must I do to get this? I have to let go of all the disappointments of the past. I have to let go of the hurt. I have to accept that I am worthy of what I want and then go after it. I have to learn that nobody else will do it for me. I have to be brave and vulnerable all at the same time. I can't afford to be complacent about it; thinking that these things will just come to me or materialise out of thin air. I have to physically want these things; visualise them to be mine. I have to lay my soul on the line and prepare for it to be trampled on; hurt badly. I can't afford to wrap up my feelings and hide them away anymore. I have to put myself on the starting line if I'm going to enter the race.
How would that make me feel? Worthwhile of everybody's love. Happy. Like I had enough faith in myself to try; even if it meant I might fail I'd still given it a go. So I guess what I really want is self-respect. That would get me out of bed in the morning. That would make my relationship with my Hubby stronger because I wouldn't hide my true feeling or suppress them because I don't value them. That would make me clean up my act; because I wouldn't want to think of myself as a Drunk; or as unwashed; or as having rotten teeth or dressed like the dog's dinner. If I had pride in myself I wouldn't need to get drunk all the time because I thought it made people like me better. I would stand up for myself and would insist on Not being treated like a doormat.
Dr Phil you are a Genius.
You Old Perverted Bastard You...
This is going to be emotionally tricky. I have to write down those people that I have bonded with in hate, resentment and anger. Those who have wronged me. And I'm supposed to find it in me to forgive them and let go of the anger- and hence the bond; to basically reclaim my power.
How sappy does that sound?
Well here goes.
You Old Perverted Bastard. A logical starting place because I guess I hate you more than anyone else. You robbed me of my innocence, took away my childhood and sullied the good memories I had of it. You scared me. But do you know what? You don't scare me anymore.
I see you around sometimes and you're just an old man in a wig who will die soon. The world won't miss you when you are gone; it'll keep turning long after you're gone. Your family might miss you- but then they don't know you're a dirty old pedophile, do they? So you can't scare me anymore because you'll never touch me again. You'll never know that I am a nice person in spite of what you did to me. Your time is nearly up now; and you are the one who's scared now, aren't you, because if there is a god you'll be facing him soon; and he'll Know what you did to me and probably heaps of other scared little children. And you'll pay big time for it- and the best thing you won't know until you Are dead- which will only be a few short years for you. None the less- I hope you are stewing about it; you Old Perverted Bastard you.
I hope you know that when you are dead I'm planning on having a party to celebrate. My life will go on without you. You may have poisoned my life for thirteen years but I survived you; you haven't broken Me. In fact; you probably made me stronger. I would never have been so protective of my own Son if you hadn't defiled me, so I guess I'm thankful for that. I'd rather I live through something like that than have my child subjected to the likes of you. I will never be complacent as my Parents were. I won't let strangers interact with my children. So maybe you've saved my kid from an arsehole like you; because I will never leave him around an arsehole like you. I can spot arseholes. An arsehole's sick pleasure isn't worth my Son's sufferance. And not one of you will get him because I am always on the alert now; thanks to you.
I hope sometime in the past thirteen years you saw the error of your ways. I doubt it though; you have a sick mind.
I know it was all your fault; that you were the one in the wrong- it wasn't me. I was just a young girl who trusted an arsehole; was swayed by a bribe to ride your grey mare- which I never did incidentally. I believed your lies when you told me that I was a good and talented rider- all so you could get me alone. I don't trust anyone like that anymore.
My Hubby thinks I get myself into precarious situations- especially when I'm drinking- but I am always aware of the risks I am taking; once again thanks to you. I have let others abuse me since you; but no more. Today is the day that I take my power back from you old man. You've been sapping my strength too long. Next time I see you, you'll be even more bent over; you will be once I've taken back the strength that I've given you all these years.
I don't deny I want you dead.
I don't deny I hate you.
But you taught me a lesson- one that I'll never forget- and if it'll save my Son from an arsehole like you; it'll be Worth it. If there is a heaven I know you won't be going there; I won't be seeing you there.
Your kind go the other way.
How sappy does that sound?
Well here goes.
You Old Perverted Bastard. A logical starting place because I guess I hate you more than anyone else. You robbed me of my innocence, took away my childhood and sullied the good memories I had of it. You scared me. But do you know what? You don't scare me anymore.
I see you around sometimes and you're just an old man in a wig who will die soon. The world won't miss you when you are gone; it'll keep turning long after you're gone. Your family might miss you- but then they don't know you're a dirty old pedophile, do they? So you can't scare me anymore because you'll never touch me again. You'll never know that I am a nice person in spite of what you did to me. Your time is nearly up now; and you are the one who's scared now, aren't you, because if there is a god you'll be facing him soon; and he'll Know what you did to me and probably heaps of other scared little children. And you'll pay big time for it- and the best thing you won't know until you Are dead- which will only be a few short years for you. None the less- I hope you are stewing about it; you Old Perverted Bastard you.
I hope you know that when you are dead I'm planning on having a party to celebrate. My life will go on without you. You may have poisoned my life for thirteen years but I survived you; you haven't broken Me. In fact; you probably made me stronger. I would never have been so protective of my own Son if you hadn't defiled me, so I guess I'm thankful for that. I'd rather I live through something like that than have my child subjected to the likes of you. I will never be complacent as my Parents were. I won't let strangers interact with my children. So maybe you've saved my kid from an arsehole like you; because I will never leave him around an arsehole like you. I can spot arseholes. An arsehole's sick pleasure isn't worth my Son's sufferance. And not one of you will get him because I am always on the alert now; thanks to you.
I hope sometime in the past thirteen years you saw the error of your ways. I doubt it though; you have a sick mind.
I know it was all your fault; that you were the one in the wrong- it wasn't me. I was just a young girl who trusted an arsehole; was swayed by a bribe to ride your grey mare- which I never did incidentally. I believed your lies when you told me that I was a good and talented rider- all so you could get me alone. I don't trust anyone like that anymore.
My Hubby thinks I get myself into precarious situations- especially when I'm drinking- but I am always aware of the risks I am taking; once again thanks to you. I have let others abuse me since you; but no more. Today is the day that I take my power back from you old man. You've been sapping my strength too long. Next time I see you, you'll be even more bent over; you will be once I've taken back the strength that I've given you all these years.
I don't deny I want you dead.
I don't deny I hate you.
But you taught me a lesson- one that I'll never forget- and if it'll save my Son from an arsehole like you; it'll be Worth it. If there is a heaven I know you won't be going there; I won't be seeing you there.
Your kind go the other way.
Bing Bing...
I just had what Oprah would call a Bing-Bing moment.
My Hubby's payoff for staying out all night and spending all the money that we have is that he doesn't have to sit with Me; watching shows that he hates while I get drunk and waste away into oblivion. I Allow him to do it so I don't have to take criticism about the amount that I drink. I don't like it; but I've identifed it at last.
Then again; since I've started this book and actively cut back on my drinking he has not even hinted that he's even noticed. His pay-off has gone but his behaviour is unchanged.
He remains as emotionless as ever.
My Hubby's payoff for staying out all night and spending all the money that we have is that he doesn't have to sit with Me; watching shows that he hates while I get drunk and waste away into oblivion. I Allow him to do it so I don't have to take criticism about the amount that I drink. I don't like it; but I've identifed it at last.
Then again; since I've started this book and actively cut back on my drinking he has not even hinted that he's even noticed. His pay-off has gone but his behaviour is unchanged.
He remains as emotionless as ever.
Show Me The Way Dr Phil...
On to my next assignment from Dr Phil; which is to write down my Life Decisions- which are convictions that I live by All the time as of this moment until Forever.
I will never kill another person.
Lying is bad and hurts others.
I will always be as honest with myself as I can.
I will never hurt my child deliberately.
I will not be cruel to animals.
I will always try to do the right and moral thing.
I will not discriminate because a person is of another race colour or religion.
I will not steal from others.
I will never cheat on my Hubby.
I will never use intravenous drugs.
I will never abandon my family or friends.
I will always give when I can.
I will not judge others; as best I can.
I will not drink and drive (again).
It is my life decision that I will Never binge drink for days without sleep again; as of this moment. Now.
I also vow, as of this moment, never to resort to violence with my Hubby again. No more slaps on the face, drinks spilt all over him, cuffs around the head. I will only ever touch him nicely. Same goes for my Son; if I can give up the occasional smack on the bum. Which he sometimes deserves.
Here is my quote for the moment; "If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to have what you've always had." Dr Phil. I am letting this go on. I can choose to accept- or not accept- how things go. Show me the way Dr Phil!!
I will never kill another person.
Lying is bad and hurts others.
I will always be as honest with myself as I can.
I will never hurt my child deliberately.
I will not be cruel to animals.
I will always try to do the right and moral thing.
I will not discriminate because a person is of another race colour or religion.
I will not steal from others.
I will never cheat on my Hubby.
I will never use intravenous drugs.
I will never abandon my family or friends.
I will always give when I can.
I will not judge others; as best I can.
I will not drink and drive (again).
It is my life decision that I will Never binge drink for days without sleep again; as of this moment. Now.
I also vow, as of this moment, never to resort to violence with my Hubby again. No more slaps on the face, drinks spilt all over him, cuffs around the head. I will only ever touch him nicely. Same goes for my Son; if I can give up the occasional smack on the bum. Which he sometimes deserves.
Here is my quote for the moment; "If you continue to do what you have always done, you will continue to have what you've always had." Dr Phil. I am letting this go on. I can choose to accept- or not accept- how things go. Show me the way Dr Phil!!
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