I Want To Feel But I Want To Be Numb...

Well; I finished Dr Phil's book yesterday and took it back to the library this morning. I feel as though I learnt a good deal about myself through doing the assignments he sets in the book. I wish I owned it to refer back to from time to time.

Let's see then; where I am at the moment.

The drinking has certainly eased up; I did not drink for five days last week; though I was pretty sick from this cold. I drank quite a lot on Friday and Saturday nights and on Sunday I had five beers. The hardest thing is that now some people know I am making an effort to cut down; so I am wondering what they will think of me if I do get on it hard? My Hubby has not made any comment thus far; in fact I had to tell him I've been trying to cut down. Funnily enough I thought I if I made a real effort then he would too; and might even cut back on his own drinking or smoking. I guess He can't change what he doesn't acknowledge first either. I had also hoped that he might express some sort of praise and encouragement my way; that he might be proud of me for even trying.

It's easier some days than others. I thought to myself last night that I had better get drunk tonight because today I thought I had to go to a meeting at my Son's school; but I don't have to go anywhere now. So I'm sort of planning on going down to the Club. I'm looking forward to Fridays more and more because my Father doesn't know I've cut down so there's no pressure from him.

On the other hand it isn't so hard really. Last night I think I would've felt guilty if I had done what I wanted and had a big glass of wine. I did want to. But I didn't want to let my Hubby down. Or my Son- who I've been wondering if he's noticed for the past few weeks that I haven't been drinking every night? Would he even notice? He's only six after all...

It's odd to sit there without a glass; sometimes I reach over out of habit and then remember there is no glass there. On one hand I am happy that I can be strong about it; and on the other I can't wait until I fail at this too, so I can go back to my old, easy ways. To be honest I really believe it's just a matter of time; because I truly miss it. I miss the fuzziness of it; the company it gives; the relief from thought. It's been my true friend for a long time now; even if it was an evil friend. It did and Did Not delude me; in a sense I can't even explain.

It was easy to accept; easy to stay with. I'm not proud of that but it's true. I love to be drunk. I like the freedom it gives me. On the other hand I hate how it restricts me and holds me back from doing what I have to do. Go figure that out. It should be the easiest thing in the world to give up- but it's the hardest; because it means so much. It's like part of me has died; but another part is born- and I don't know which I prefer. I want to give up but I don't want to stop; I want to feel but I want to be numb; I want to care but I couldn't care less. I know it's all up to me to improve myself but I still want help and encouragement and support from other people; especially my Hubby.

I know I have to change or my relationship is doomed; but I wish he would meet me half-way. I'm not the only one with a problem; yet that is how he makes me feel; that everything is my doing- my fault.If I stopped my problems then everything would be better. He doesn't accept he's contributed to the problems and that's hard for me to bear. But how do I get him to stop this? How can I get him to change when I know he won't? He's Never wrong; not in his mind. Not even partly wrong. I try and do my best but it never seems good enough for him.

Just Once I'd like to be told that I did my best; that I couldn't have done any better than what I did. Simple acknowledgement is all I ask for. Acknowledgement that he is also responsible for our problems; and a promise from him that he will try as hard as me to put things right.