What I Want...

I guess I don't want to be afraid. I want to live Life; it won't always be here. I want to be stable; emotionally, mentally, financially. I want a good job that pays well so I can go off Welfare. I want to be true to myself and others.

I want to be the Real Buffoon who lives inside of Me; the one who is capable of anything, the adaptable loving and happy me. I want to like who I am; to be able to look in the mirror and think that I am okay. I want the past to stop hurting my future. I want my depressive nature to fuck off; I know I won't always be happy but I'm sick of being mostly sad.

I want my Hubby to like the person that I really am and to accept me for who I am. I want my Son to be proud of his mother. I want to try again at life; to get it right this time. I want a second chance to prove myself to myself and everyone else. Sounds corny doesn't it; but that's what I want.

What must I do to have all this? Not so easy. How do you stop being afraid? I guess I just have to wake up every morning and get out of bed and face Life for a start-hopefully with a positive frame of mind. I have to go to uni and finish it in order to get a job. I have to be more understanding to my Hubby and Son. I have to tell them what's going on in my head; let them in. I have to learn to ask for what I want. I have to accept my limitations and short-comings; and learn not to take them to heart. I'm not a failure because I can't do any More; I'm only a failure if I do Less than I can.

I have to control my drinking- which I have been trying to do- so that I can focus on what's important in my life instead of blocking everything out. I have to learn to like myself; maybe I could start by buying some new clothes or changing my hair or something- I'm always the same big dag. I have to keep working on my mind; this book has definitely started something in me. I like to write things down and put the feelings Out there; even if they're only ever known by me; because at least then they are acknowledged. My own mind is clearer about who I am and what I want I have to do. I have to believe in myself and my ability. I have to like me again.

How would I feel if I did? In control of my Life again. At the moment- and in the past- it's been like everything that has happened is beyond my control. I don't want to be a control-freak; but I can control aspects of my life. Like how much I drink; how I react when my Hubby and I argue; how I am towards my Son. When I finish uni and get a job I'll have more control financially; I can finally feel like I'm contributing to my family. As it is I don't deserve the money I get from the government. I didn't earn any of it. When I can get out of bed every morning and go to a job I will feel valued in the community and be able to put back the money I've needed to take with my taxes. I will eventually repay the assitance I received. Then I will feel that I am a full member of the house hold and not just a boarder.

How will I feel when my drinking is under control? Sober. Well again. I really do like the obliteration that drinking offers me but I realise that this isn't the way I want to spend my life. If I could like what I saw in the mirror I guess I would feel satisfied with what I have. I would feel grateful that I wasn't sick or terminally ill or disfigured. I wouldn't feel threatened when other chicks check out my Hubby- or when he looks at them- because I'd know I wasn't that bad; that while he could definitely do better than me physically but that he'd be hard pressed to find someone as genuine and true as I am.

If I could like me I guess I'd find my true best friend. In me...

So what I really want is to like and accept myself for who I am; warts and all; good and bad; thick and thin. To be the best I can be but to accept my limitations and know that if I've Really done my best or tried my hardest then I have done all that I could; the only way I knew how to. And to get past that and keep on living. I want to be the best possible mother to my Son. I want to keep loving my Hubby and for him to keep loving me. I want fulfillment. I want happiness. I want acceptance. I want help. I want to help myself. I want love. I want to be loved. I want To love.

What must I do to get this? I have to let go of all the disappointments of the past. I have to let go of the hurt. I have to accept that I am worthy of what I want and then go after it. I have to learn that nobody else will do it for me. I have to be brave and vulnerable all at the same time. I can't afford to be complacent about it; thinking that these things will just come to me or materialise out of thin air. I have to physically want these things; visualise them to be mine. I have to lay my soul on the line and prepare for it to be trampled on; hurt badly. I can't afford to wrap up my feelings and hide them away anymore. I have to put myself on the starting line if I'm going to enter the race.

How would that make me feel? Worthwhile of everybody's love. Happy. Like I had enough faith in myself to try; even if it meant I might fail I'd still given it a go. So I guess what I really want is self-respect. That would get me out of bed in the morning. That would make my relationship with my Hubby stronger because I wouldn't hide my true feeling or suppress them because I don't value them. That would make me clean up my act; because I wouldn't want to think of myself as a Drunk; or as unwashed; or as having rotten teeth or dressed like the dog's dinner. If I had pride in myself I wouldn't need to get drunk all the time because I thought it made people like me better. I would stand up for myself and would insist on Not being treated like a doormat.

Dr Phil you are a Genius.