He Loves Me He Loves Me Not...

Forgive me for dwelling on the past...

But it still angers me that my Hubby didn't even apologise to me for hitting me a zillion times the other week. He hasn't been angry at me since- it's just like the entire issue has gone away; at least for him. It's probably because I haven't been out anywhere much so there's no need to get angry/jealous at me. He knows where I am (at home) so he can relax.

He's been as indifferent as ever, actually- like he can't even be bothered speaking to me. Not until he needs something found in a hurry; where is it? How should I know? He's the one who lost it.

That brings up an interesting point- one that I only came to consider since a comment was left on my blog by Anais Colt. She (?) bought up the possibility that I might be co-dependant in my relationship- and I thought What's That? So I Googled it- and there I was.

I know it's a dangerous occupation to diagnose yourself but when the doctor's and psychologist's fail to come up with anything I can't help but wonder. I know I'm not normal and I want to know what I have.

I have everything it seems.

A personality disorder. Drug addiction. Alcoholism. Eating disorder. Sexual abuse in the past. Multi-faceted family dysfunction. Heavy-shit relationship 'woes'. And these are manifesting themselves physically in me more and more each day- in depression. Lethargy. Apathy. Stress. Actual illness and panic attacks. Acute anxiety.

Inane or profound? Intense. There's that word again. And I am unusually intense. All of the time.

I want to know what happened to that person I was supposed to be?

It's a real-life game of He Love's Me He Loves Me Not.

He stays; I think because people tell him how good and kind and nice and real I am. He can't see that. He stays because he wants to see how other people do. But he can't. I go against everything he is. It's as if he's ashamed of me for being who I am.

Ashamed of himself for being with me.

What it probably is is that he has it too good here to leave. So I suck his cock and make wonderful dinners and put up with his anger/ignorance until the next bout.

We got a puppy the other day and called him Chopper. My Hubby has already told me he's going to prefer the dog's company to mine most of the time; presumably- I hope- until he wants a fuck. That makes me feel great, let me assure you. I'm not just being paranoid. He doesn't even find me attractive. Why wouldn't he want to be with someone more to his taste? Because he made a mistake and got me pregnant all those years ago?

It all stems from this- a non-kiss at a rodeo in front of the grandstand. I didn't even see the wanna-be cowboys. The only person in the world was You. And I wanted a kiss but you were too embarrassed to be with me- lest everyone see that you were with me. I'm not even an exhibitionist.

It takes a lot of grog for me to become uninhibited.