Almost Perfect.....

I know I should have done it Myself yesterday...

Fucking men. Hey?

Always fucking up my plans of World domination; and then waking me up when it's not fucking necessary.

Fucking Rude Shits. It must be nice to be Almost Fucking Perfect.

Manners are free you know.

Apply...

Three Long Years...

Following Miss Understood's lead (it was such a good idea) I went through my archives of three years ago;I was a part of her life then and hope to be so for many more years; so for Miss Understood, Grump, and Enchantress; thanks for sticking along for the ride. We've all come a long way.

What A Year It Was...

2006...

Here's an overview of Mine...


1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

I'm a creature of habit. I rarely try new things. I do pluck my bikini line now, though- something I didn't do in 2005.


2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I think for 2006 it was to try and cut back my drinking. In all I drank on 46 days out of the year- but this was a vast improvement on the previous year where I was drunk on every night of the year- except for one or two when I was too hungover. I compensated with other drugs, however...

As for this year- I'm trying for an orgasm a day for the entire year. Going well.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My little Sister had a baby girl on the 4th July 2006.

My best friend CC had a baby boy on October 3 2006.

Twink's "Sometime-Root" gave birth to a baby boy on Jan 4 2007.


4. Did anyone close to you die?

Old Merley, my mate from the pub who I've been friends with for 15 years, died on April 6 2006 from Lung Cancer. He was 67 and the captain of our Pool Comp team; he was a father to Julie and Kathy; who both knew nothing of his illness until a week before he died.

My Sister and I howled at his funeral.

I miss you, You old Bugger.


5. What countries did you visit?

Australia. Oh hang on, that's Home.


6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

A job.


7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

September 4th. It was the day Steve Urwin died. I cried every day for a week.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Personally I made a bit of a journey last year. A lot of it came about as the result of having a good close set of friends. I came out of my shell for the first time in years and decided that I liked who I was again.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Smoking too much marijuana and cigarettes. It costs a small fortune and is making me sick anyway.


10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Pleurisy and lung infections. I also nearly snapped my back in half when I face planted a wall while inebriated.


11. What was the best thing you bought?

I got lots of new things but my favourite is a pair second hand Levi's that I got for fifteen dollars at an Op Shop. My arse looks awesome in these jeans!


12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?


Mine. I was a paragon of goodness as always.


13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

Golden Shower Boy's. Look up some of my archives if you don't know why.


14. Where did most of your money go?

Car repayments, rent and party drugs.


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to U2.


16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Body Rockers- I like The Way You Move.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

Happier. Same. Richer.



18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Writing.



19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Drugs.



20. How will you be spending Christmas?


My house with all the Fam.


21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Yes; with my Hubby again.



22. How many one-night stands?

None


24. What was your favourite TV program?

Big Brother. I have to go on that show one day.


25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Golden Shower Boy. Actually I've always hated him.


26. What was the best book you read?

The Lovely Bones; Alice Sebold.


27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Stone Sour- especially the song Through Glass



28. What did you want and get?

A new car.



29. What did you want and not get?

A four wheel drive.


30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Bad Wives Two. Nya Nya Nya.


31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was going to go to the Races but it rained so I had a party at my house instead- everyone bought their favourite dish they liked to cook and we had a feast, drank and smoked copious amounts and topped it all off with an acid and ecstasy spree.

I was 33. And should know better!


32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

An orgasm a day.


33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Improving yet casual.


34. What kept you sane?

Jen Jen, CC, Miss Fancy Pants, M, Twink, marijuana


35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I want Mike Delfino from Desperate Housewives.

And I Still can't go past Gwen Stefani for the femme fantasy...


36. What political issue stirred you the most?

America's handling of the war in Iraq.


38. Who was the best new person you met in 2006?

My newest friend would have to be Sloane.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006?

Don't take good health for granted and appreciate what you have every day.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I'm not here for your entertainment; you don't really wanna mess with me tonight

Just stop and take a second; I was fine before you walked into my life

Cos you know it's over; before it began

Keep your drink just give me the money; it's just You and your hand tonight!

Pink.


And That's a wrap for 2006!

To Quote A Scroatian...

"Manners cost nothing..."

"Relationships are two-way streets..."

"Get fucked. Fuck off."

(And my Personal favourite...)

"What part of 'Get Fucked' don't You understand?"

Sort of glad you walked home...

Actually.

My Message To Him...

If you came here to cut the fucking grass then Don't Fucking Bother.

I can do it my fucking Self; thanks anyway.

You can take whatever plants you fucking want.

I don't need another fucking Judge.

A Friendship Is a relationship...

It's up to You if you want mine anymore; Or not.

Fuck it must be nice to Think you are perfect...

Letter For T...

Hey T

No pictures have I seen...(very Yoda of me to say so) so please resend them if at all opssible. (I'm going to leave that little typo, haha, too pissed to press backspace).

Hanging out means he's very comfortable being around you; just, "chilling" you know? He likes your company and likes to be with you. It's a good sign at least! I thought it was a saying everyone used; so it must be an Aussie slogan if you haven't heard it often. Anyway; although absence makes the heart grow fonder; I know you and know you'll be sweating on his return, but do me a favour Girly, and make sure you enjoy the festive season and New Year's in the typical T fashion; because I reckon this one will be back. He's an Aussie and therefore has taste!

My work party was fun; we went on a dinner cruise around Newcastle harbour for about three hours but I'd been on the piss already for most of the day with Sally; she's 24 and doesn't ever drink so I drank for both of us; I think I even made her laugh a few times!; I also tried my very first oyster (very lemoned up but I actually had three in the end...Taz was very impressed when I told him.) My friend LW lost a shoe overboard and so chucked the other one in after it. Our maintenance guy Robbie (our House-Elf) was maggoty and singing Suspicious Minds; he does a great Elvis. The food was great; we all(25 0f us) got $50 in a card (this was from the $1000 that I found in a bar-fridge and Stoopidly handed in, the Boss decided to split it between Everyone, even the kitchen staff who have nothing to do with the housekeeping department; oh well, I've learned if I ever find a large sum of money again I'm going to stick it in the bible in the bedside table; nobody ever reads, it'd be safe there!) Anyway; everybody had a great night out; thanks to me!

I stayed at the hotel where I work for the night as my mate LB got a room for being Employee of the Month (there are 3 L's at work; the other is my boss LR); then we all had room service for breakfast (and we got charged extra even though I carried it all up myself; bloody Brett who owns the restaurant is a Wanker!) Even Robbie crashed in our room( we took funny pictures of the four of us (me, Sally, LB and Rob) in the spa and in bed); he tried to go out to King Street with the young girls who work in the restaurant but couldn't get in and they left him; so our General Manager picked him up and drove him back to the hotel.

Today I was fragged even though I didn't drink much more than usual; we all worked but then I still had to go to my secret second night job (cleaning offices at PH) and when I got home Taz was snoring on the lounge. Just another day!

It's late so I'll go; but don't forget to send those pics; I want to see The New Guy!

Love ya honey

rn_buffoon xx

Christian-Insanity...

Last night I rang...

Apparently, allegedly and very often unsuccessfully, fifty two times to Get Though to Taz.

Imagine that; fifty-two times...

According to Taz, even though the year now is 2009 , and only now is it 2009 because it is almost 2010 years since the benefactor of the Christian religion (JC himself) was born; this is a non-event. To Myself at least. And yet it happened. Just as there was the historical figure of Queen Cleopatra. Or Plato. I know he was born; not in a stable; surrounded by lambs or the three wise men, but in the poor village of Bethlehem, shrouded in blood and after-birth like every other Cunt who had to go through it without drugs or anesthehtics, and who later was applauded by the religious fanatics of Nazareth(his Apostles); he was a child of impoverishment who came to be known as the Son of god.

Nowadays, especially when the human population have become so scientifically aware, he would be known as a religious Crank. And that is as it should be. Relegated to the ranks of such others as David Koresh and those who claim to be the Son Of god.

Joseph and Mary had an illegitimate child; theory says she was raped by a Roman soldier and Joseph saved her from being stoned to death, such was the penalty for an unwedded woman and supposed virgin. Kudos to Joseph. What a guy. Chivalry today really is Dead. When it happened to me; I was told I was slut. Even by my child's father. They would have stoned me. Dead. For fucking sure.

I agree. About Christinaty. It's an non-event. The beginning of a cult that wouldn't/hasn't/won't go away, even though the Leader-Guy of the cult died just over two millennium ago.

And that's when it, Christian-Insanity should have ended, too.

According to Me.

According to Taz; Jesus was a Myth.

He wasn't a god. He merely believed he was the incarnate Son of some god.

He is, and was, a historical figure who Got It Wrong about god, a Cult leader who didn't die even though he was crucified for his influential yet unsubstantiated beliefs. Yes:BELIEFS. That's all they were were. Nothing substantiated. Nothing proved.

I don't believe in god but Jesus existed. He wasn't a Myth.

He was real...

And so was Julius. And Cleopatra.And Shakespeare.

The rest my friend; is History.

Herstory.

Inquisitiveness...

Where is he from?
What school did he go to?
Does he still live here?
Are you coming to visit?
When is the wedding?
How is the sex?
Are you in Lurve?
Lust?
Can I be the Unofficial Auntie of any prodigy?
Are we related now if I'm the unofficial auntie of your children?
Does he know of Ned Kelly?
Does he know I am related to the Judge who sentenced Ned Kelly to death?
What AFL team does he barrack (Obama) for?
Does he like meat Pies?
Does he know who Eddie McQuire is?
Or Rove?
Does he know what a Roving Ruck is?
Is he a New South Welshman?
Does he go for The Blues or the Maroons?
I hope he's not a Queenslander slash Cane-toad.
That would suck proverbial arse.
Or else there will be trouble and strife.
Call him Cobber.
Or Digger.
Or Mate.
Just don't call him late for breakfast.
Lunch or Tea.

PS Does he wear boardies or budgie-smugglers?

PPS Only a True Aussie will know the answer to the final question! Make sure you ask him.

Epiphany...

*Two decks of used cards; roughly thumbed.

*A packet of Carrot seeds ; half grown.

*A three quarter jar full of Moccona coffee.

*One dollar thirty for a newspaper ( wrapped in an Evil note.)

*A block of Old Gold dark chocolate.

*5 (count them) Magic Beanstalk seeds.

Yet; I have Nothing he wants.

He's gone home and won't answer his telephony.

So...

Here's My Epiphany...

Back to Square One.

True.

It's Smee...

I's only Smee...

And I'm quietly drunk.

Fanks very much.

Already Gone...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already Gone

As Sung by Kelly Clarkson 2009

Been There Done That...

I'm not going to chase you around the streets of Pubtown, Tazzie.

Been There...

Done That.

The Third...

You're arse print is still on my couch...

I do love you. You don't have to leave me just so I can prove the point.

I'm not going to call you tonight. You're the Third man now to call me a Cunt.

And mean it.

And I'm over it.

You are the obnoxious one.

You are as clever as me but you aren't cleverer.

If you would only listen then you would be here and not at your house.

I love you Tazzie, and I won't rip out any more pages of My Book just because you tell me to.

Like I told you...

You can come back whenever you want.

But..

I had a good day with you and you went and ruined it by being a Sooky Sulk.

That's all.

(Sung To The Tune Of Beyonce's) Halo...

Tonight I found your letter

I didn't know what to say...

I thought that I knew you better

Didn't know that I'd have to pay.

My heart is fully broken

You've left me sad, and it's a token

That you called me a Cunt and walked away (you Prick)

You should have never cut me out.

Baby when you look at me now

I'm surrounded by your disgrace.

Baby I can see your halo

I see it written all over your face.

You think that you are doing a favour

I thought that you might be my saviour

Baby I can see your halo. Your halo-oh-oh-oh-oh...

You Three...

Hey, You Three...

I am so glad to hear from You Three Stalwarts, I've been in (internet)hiding a while due to going through a court case with ex-Hubby,I am putting him on an AVO after he assaulted me in front of Youngest Son. It's been a few messy months, honey's. It's been adjourned now until January, but I'll let you know how I go with it all.

Also been very busy at work; and I have this Thang going with my mate Tazzie (the Celtic fan) where we are either as happy as Larry and Pigs in Shite or fighting like Mash freaks over who is the biggest fan of Hawkeye...I'm in love again Y'All. He's 45 and shits me to tears with his pedantic ways, but I am generally happy to drink sacks of De Bortoli Chardonnay every afternoon with my Gentleman of a mate. He treats me so well; today perhaps being an exception to the rule, as we had a fight (and he walked home, walking stick and all( he had a back operation in August), but I have never felt so comfortable and so well looked after before by anybody before. He is my best mate. Even if has the shits with me today, shit happens. I know we will work things out. Even if he doesn't love me back like I love him. Yet.

Gotta love you and leave you for now; but take care...and stay strong.

All the time,

Miss Construed x

An Email To My Sister...

Why am I mentioned here?? And seemingly in the derogatory sense; no less? Or have I got it wrong again?

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend away; and just in case everybody else fails to notice...

I am the only one who has Never had a falling out with anyone and the only one who Ever seems to bother to call either.

If you question the validity of that; then ask Yourselves... when did you all last call Me?

Have a lovely day. Pass it on.

Please... Please...

Da da da da
da da da da

Da da da da da,

I don't know if i can yell any louder,
How many times have I kicked you outer here?
Or said something insulting?

Da da da da da

I can be so mean when I wanna be,
I am capable of really anything,
I could cut you into pieces,
But my heart is, broken.

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
I always say how i don"t need you
But its always gonna come right back to this
Please don"t leave me

How did I become so obnoxious,
What is it with you that makes me act like this,
I've never been this nasty,
Can"t you tell that this is just a contest,
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest,
But baby I don't mean it,
I mean it, I promise

Da da da da da

Please don't leave me [x2]
I always say how I don't need you
But its always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud,
How beautiful you really are to me,
I cant be without,
Your my perfect little punching bag,
And I need you,
I'm sorry.

Da da da da
da da da da

Da da da da da

Please, please don't leave me
Baby please don't leave me (No, dont leave me)
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But its always gonna come right back to this
Please don't leave me (No, Don't leave me)

I always say how I don't need you,
But its always gonna come right back to this,
Please don't leave me,

Please, Please don't leave me.

1:06 AM...

You were born to me...

Seventeen years ago.

Happy Birthday Son.

I'm so proud you are mine.

Mum xx

The Poem He'll Never See...(And Rightly So)

You never even needed me because I was always there.

You rarely told me that you loved me...

You rarely showed me that you cared.

I loved you then. I love you still.

You know it's true; and that I always will.

Three Weeks...

It's exactly three weeks to my birthday...

Three weeks exactly until it's a year since I moved out...

And tried to move on.

The Verdict...

I changed the fucking channel.

So if you want to leave because of THAT...

Go the fuck ahead.

Because Because Because...

You may as well be my boyfriend, Tazz...

Because friends don't treat each other that way.

Because friends don't just walk off. With the shits.

And they don't hang up on you.

Because they have no hang ups.

Right?

The Ongoing Saga...

Counselling yesterday was another disaster...

Hubby lasted only five minutes this time; and the last thing he said was that he didn't love me and no longer wanted me back.

I didn't believe it for a second.

So Much To Say...

So much to say...

So little time.

I guess I start at Thursday night. Trivia. Grandma had hubby and the kids. Fido picked me up so I wouldn't drink drive. I felt obligated to be on his team even when Golden Shower Boy joined the table. We came fourth. A disgrace. I was sitting outside having a cigarette when suddenly I saw a dart of a dog come flying up the stairs. It was hubby's dog, Chopper. He's a Staffy cross who is blind in one eye after coming off second best in a car accident. He must have sniffed me out.

Me: What's my fucking dog doing at the Pub?

Then Wemmaly came up the stairs; to pick me up. I told her she shouldn't have bought the dog with her when she came to get me. She told me that the dog had wanted to come.

Maybe I need to go back to Monday afternoon...

There was a massive storm brewing; I was picking up little Son from school and Wemmaly was in the car waiting. Little Son and I raced back through the thick drops of rain to the car and discovered a stray dog in the back seat. A smelly wet dog.

Wemmmaly: I couldn't leave the poor thing out in the rain. I've rung it's owners. They're on the way.

Meanwhile; little Son was freaking out at the impending storm. I guess the Long Weekend flood in June was still playing on his mind. I guess that's what happens after your Mother almost drives your car into a storm water drain and you have to get rescued and your car is written off. To this day he still won't get out of the car if I've parked across a drain in the gutter.

Wemmaly (to little Son): Oh; come on! You're not afraid of storms!

LS: Mummy! Please; lets go home!

I told her she'd have to wait for the guy to come. She got the smelly dog out and we drove home.

Friday afternoon came around. I was at the Pub. I'd organised a Little Something to make the night more interesting. When I told Wemmaly she tried to make me promise to wait for her to take it; so that we could both be high at the same time. Problem is I don't like doing Guilt-Trips.

I didn't wait. I got on it with Mac and Jen.

Back up a minute. I've forgotten something important. Hubby's accident.

Thursday; before trivia. I was sitting with Twink when his phone rang. It was hubby; letting Twink know he was waiting in the ER. He'd gone through a plate glass window at work and severed two tendons in his wrist. I messaged him. He didn't reply. I called his parents; they'd just gotten home from work and hadn't heard anything about it, but they promised to keep me informed when they heard anything. Half hour later Mother-in-law called; she told me hubby was still waiting to be seen and didn't want to see me. This upset me somewhat. So I deleted his name from my phone. Twink told me I was over reacting.

The next day I had to go to work. A lady from the insurance company rang about work cover and I had to tell her that we were separated and maybe she should be speaking to his mother. A few minutes later Mother-in-law called. I cried to her on the phone because I was upset that hubby hadn't returned any of my messages or calls.

When I got to work I told my boss J that I had my phone with me up on the floor in case I heard word about hubby's surgery. I was relieved a little while later when I got a message from him saying that he would have to stay another night in hospital as his operation wasn't scheduled until six that night.

I called him. We hadn't spoken in six days. I asked if he wanted any clothes or magazines brought up to him. He said that he was alright and didn't need anything. I told him that the kids wanted to see him when he got out and that I'd take them around the following day when he got released from hospital. He said okay and we hung up.

So I was at the Pub Friday night; with all the crew minus hubby. Miss Fancy Pants called and said she would turn up in a while. I was having great fun smoking pipes with Franky out in the beer garden. Someone gave me a tablet and a Yeiger-bomb to chase it down with.

Then MFP's new boyfriend showed up. He's balding, near fifty and she's taken by him. Good luck to her I say. Fido (her Ex) showed up at Twink's later on and spotted him on the lounge. He caused a scene; MFP and friend left for the Central Coast; and I made her promise to stop into my house for a coffee on the way if she was hell-bent on driving. She did; and then they left. I haven't spoken to her since...

Meanwhile; back at Twink's....

Golden Shower Boy had gotten in on the act. He and Fido were arguing with the rest of Us that MFP's boyfriend should not have been invited around to Twink's. Daz, Twink and I stood our ground. After all they have been broken up for almost four months and she (MFP) is our friend now regardless of their broken relationship. Besides; it would've been rude to just tell him to fuck off.

Next thing you know, GSB is running around after Daz, chasing him in circles around Twink's car; trying to get Daz to fight him. Daz told him he was crazy if he thought he was going to stop.

Jen Jen and I sat up drinking until almost dawn with Jeffro and his wife A (though admittedly I cut myself off knowing I was going to have to drive before ten am). I spent my last twenty bucks on smokes and then went to collect little Son from Grandma's.

Then I drove over to see hubby...

And that's where we'll leave it for Today.

Bill Of Rights...

I stole this from Miss Understood's blog today...

(Maybe because I needed to remind Myself of why hubby and I have separated)

You have the right to be you.
You have the right to put yourself first.
You have the right to be safe.
You have the right to love and be loved.
You have the right to be treated with respect.
You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.
You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
You have the right to your own privacy.
You have the right to your own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.
You have the right to earn and control your own money.
You have the right to ask questions about anything that affects your life.
You have the right to make decisions that affect you.
You have the right to grow and change (and that includes changing your mind).
You have the right to say NO.
You have the right to make mistakes.
You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems.
You have the right not to be liked by everyone.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOUR OWN LIFE AND TO CHANGE IT IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH IT AS IT IS

In Absolution...

Here's a tale of all things strife
My lifestyle has ruined my Life
I don't have a relationship
I'm no longer a Wife
In short; Life is shit
I gave it up. Every bit.

He wouldn't want me back like this
I've got to sober up
No more drinking every day
(Except for Melbourne Cup)
I'll make these drugs the last I buy
I'll just have to make them last
In short; Life is shit
I'll give it up. Every bit.

I'm going to really have to work on this
It'll be my full-time job
He seems somehow different now
Because he's off the stuff
I'll make him proud of who I am
I can see his point of view
In short; Life is shit
And I am fucking over it.

I've been a fucking idiot
Who did I think I was?
I'll give up everything I have
But I won't give up on Us
I need you here; but not like This
A lot has got to change
In short; Life is shit
I want it back. All of it.

I've been kidding Myself
For far too long
He got it right; I'm fucking wrong
I had it sweet and now it's sour
I miss him more every hour
In absolution; life is shit
I want him here
With me. At home.

How's that for a bad attempt at a poem?

Crack Whore...

So where was I?

Last Tuesday morning Hubby drove his car to work. Afterwards he went to the Pub. Then he called. Said he would be staying the night at Twink's rather than risk running into any coppers after drinking four schooner's of beer. I told him that was a good idea...

Last Wednesday Hubby rang up. The piece of shit he'd bought for himself had already broken down. He told me where it had stopped and I filled up every last bottle I could find in the house with water and took it to him. I followed his car home and then tried to initiate a conversation...

Me: Did you hear Miss Fancy Pant's has resigned from work? She rang up earlier and asked if I wanted to go out with her for Farewell Drinks?

Hubby: Why did you have a second kid if your only plan was to dump It on me so that you could go out drinking all the time?

Me: If you're going to be like that, when He (little Son) is standing right beside us hearing every word; then I just won't go.

Then his phone rang. It was Golden Shower Boy. I could hear him down the line. I told Hubby I wasn't going out with MFP any more, anyway, and to have a good night with GSB.

A few minutes later Hubby was packing a bag. Leaving. Making damn sure that I couldn't do the same.

MFP cancelled her farewell drinks when I rang and explained the situation; and came up to visit Me instead. A too few many bottles of RTD Bourbon later and we set her alarm for a quarter to seven so I could drive her home in time to have a quick shower before heading off to a job interview. Afterwards I took little Son to school and then went to work. It was a good distraction.

I presumed that Hubby had slept at Twink's. Then I later found out they had had a blow out after only a few hours and Twink had asked him to find somewhere else to go. So he went to the only person who will never judge him for what he's done and put us through. He went home to his Mother's.

NB The blow up between them( as far as I can work out) is that Hubby was out trying to score Coke with the overtime money he had earned the week before; we were going to use it to pay off the kid's Christmas presents and to buy a new barbecue; but he bought the piece of shit car and blew the rest; presumably on drugs (and potentially pro's). When Twink found this out he 'got up' Hubby on my behalf; as those sorts of antics (the drugs anyway) is what my Hubby has always accused me of blowing 'his' money on. Now it was him; and I was at home minding the children, so Twink rightly pointed out the Hypocrisy of his actions. It didn't please him; and neither did it when Daz and Mac put their two cents in a few days, too.

Thursday night I didn't go to the Trivia; that's going to put on hold until after we sort out some access arrangements for the kids...

But he showed up anyway; to get more clothes even though he had packed two bags just the night before. His car wasn't out the front; it was still obviously broken.

Me( nicely, calmly): Having car trouble? I can give you a lift down there if it would help you out?

Hubby: Why are you trying to be nice to me Now? It's a bit late for that don't you think?

Me: I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. If it's over, then now we can start being friends. Don't you think?

Hubby: I fucking Hate you, Buffoon. And I'm never coming back to you.

Me: Okay; so what are you going to do about the dog?

Hubby: Knock it on the fucking head.

Nice.

He was taking his time packing; all the while little Son was following him around like a puppy dog. I just wanted to get out for a while so that he could finish and leave.

Me: Come on little Son. Get in the car. We're going out for a drive.

Hubby: (Snidely) Off to get drugs; I bet.

So what if I was? By then I needed it.

I went up to C's (from work) sister's house. We talked for a good hour while we watched our son's (they are both five) run around fighting over who got to play with the police car.

Then I went home. It was empty. But quiet.

Friday I went to work; then dropped off little Son (to my Mother's) after school. I was at the Pub when Jen Jen sent me a message saying they were at a Different pub. Sometime, in the meantime, hubby rang- abusing me because I had let the mobile phone bill lapse by two days (both our phones are connected on the same bill- though he had jumped to the conclusion I had his disconnected already). He was yelling abuse at me to bring All of his money to him, because he was sleeping in his car on the side of the road and had no money.

Me: I know you're not sleeping in your car. I know you are at your mother's. I've given you three hundred and I have thirty. It's all I've got.

I also told him you can't get blood out of a stone.

So I went to meet Jen Jen; not really expecting to run into hubby; but he was there after all- it was Twink's works' Christmas party. We didn't speak; hubby sat at the other end of the table and then left without saying goodbye. To Anybody.

The rest of us changed pubs. Hubby wasn't there either so I was beginning to think that the coast was clear. A few beers later and we went back to Twink's for a final beverage. I inadvertently (rather drunkenly) fell asleep on one of the lounges upstairs.

When I woke up Twink and Daz were playing on the X-Box. I told them I was going home but Twink told me I was still too pissed to drive and to stay in the spare room instead. I agreed and went up the stairs but then came back immediately with the news...

Me: There's someone in there.

It was news to Twink. A few seconds later we could all hear hubby calling out to Me.

Hubby: Where's that Crack-Whore going now?

I quickly left; telling Daz and Twink I wasn't sticking around for More of the Same.

I got home around five am. Took off my jeans and climbed into my bed.

And then the front door opened...

It was him. I heard him making a coffee, stirring the teaspoon a hundred times more than was necessary. I reached across my bed to slam the door. Shut. When I woke up he had left for work but he had made himself a few sandwiches and left the crumbs all over the bench. It pissed me off that he was eating my food when as far as he knew I had no more means of buying anymore.

NB I know he only came home to make sure I hadn't gone Elsewhere. He has it in his head I've been fucking around. I haven't; but try telling Him that.

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer headache; pumped two Nurophen and a cone into me and then drove down to the Pub. It was about eleven o'clock and the Boys were getting ready to go off and play cricket. I was the first one there; eventually Twink, Daz and Pauly joined me. GSB shuffled in around midday and joined everybody at my table. I ignored him. Our fighting days are Over. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Twink wasn't playing cricket (he has torn ligaments in his knee) so after the cricket team left we made our way down to the next Pub. On the way he told me that he had no idea that hubby had been asleep in his spare room the night before. I had thought he was trying to trick me into going in to the bedroom to 'reconcile' with hubby. He assured me that wasn't the case.

On the walk, Twink told me that hubby had been going around asking Everybody at the pub if they were sleeping with 'his Missus'. Even the Hot Rigger. Pity I hadn't thought of that; it's such a damn shame I adore his wife! Probably the only one he didn't accuse me of being with was GSB.

Anyway; all this time hubby was at work (overtime on a Saturday). I had given him every cent I had of his and had raided the kid's bank accounts of what little they had. When I found out it was Locky's fiftieth birthday I decided to stick around and have a beer with Twink and Mac.

Twink left after a nap; on the promise of a root (off C). Mac and I had a ball, interspersed with seriousness of what was transpiring between hubby and I.

Mac: Do you know he accused me of fucking you, too?

Me: You know what, Maccie? Now is our best chance. I am single. You are single. Twink is at C's. Hubby's not here. No one is Ever going to know. What do you reckon?

For a full second it was serious. And then we laughed our heads off. At the Joke.

Mac: Like That's going to happen.

Precisely. Because we are Mates.

Sunday I went to work; afterwards I went to the Pub for the Fishing Club Christmas party. Hubby wasn't there (though he is a member). I stayed for an hour, had two steak sandwiches and a handful of prawns; and then left as little Son was getting dropped home within the next hour.

I felt like rat shit after work; so I set my alarm for six thirty, so I could wake up and get the kid's dinner. Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

Not ten minutes later- there was a knocking at the door.

Eldest Son opened it; and I instantly recognised the "OH MY GOD" that followed.

I've known that voice for twenty three years.

Wemmaly had arrived...

From My Sister...

I am not gonna apologize either, I looked after your son like he was my own for 6 days and then I get called a derro by some derro who is rooting a derro!

"What the???"

Add up, or at least have a wild guess how many hours per week you spend at the pub, and the answer would be more than I spend at the pub in a year! How does that make me a derro?? Maybe you think the only reason I don't go to the pub as often as you do is that I have kids, well, news flash, so do you!!

The differences between you and I are many, but the most basic difference is that I am responsible for my children and you are not. Do not ever refer to yourself as my twin again, that person no longer exists, you are but a shadow of that person, the person you have become is so self absorbed and selfish that you can't even help your son, who clearly needs some help, least of all that he had a broken collar bone and you did not seek any help. he will not grow up to be self sufficient without some help NOW.

(NB Much editing had to be performed on this inferior standard of A Letter)

Now I'm here I don't know what to say..

Love you...

Tazzie.

The Goose Drank Wine...

369...

Three Hundred and Sixty Nine...

Posts.

Of...

Drum roll...

Please.

Miss Construed!

I Love Kevin Rudd Day...

I've had a rough few months...

First I got the sack before Xmas, which I'm sure I've told You All about( surely it Can't be that long since we spoke I hope...) but then the supervisor who sacked me quit, so I went into work and asked the Big Boss for a second chance and explained all the reasons why I'd been sacked etc (a lot of which had to do with me giving access to this blog to my ex-boss. Who I thought was a friend;and she was for a time. Big Mistake).

And so they've given me another go...

Go Me.

I've been back now for a few weeks, my back is killing me from making beds again, but at least I'm in the money and the rent is getting paid. It was getting pretty tough there for a while, I ran up both my credit cards to ridiculous and am now in the process of getting financial assistance without having to go bankrupt but not having to pay back all of the interest. It's still going to be tight but hopefully with the Government kicking in their economic stimulus packages I'll get through. Otherwise I might yet turn to the street corner: apparent slut that I am...watch this space.

The kids are good; Eldest Son is in year 11 and still with his girlfriend K. I don't see him very often these days, usually he's only home on Sunday, Monday and Thursday nights. He's still clever and gorgeous; I've not had a day's problem with him yet. Touch wood! Little turned 7 in January; he's lost six teeth and is mad on Lego and Star Wars. He's doing better at school this year too. He misses hubby being here and keeps thinking we will be moving back to the old house soon (it is finally being repaired and fixed; then hubby's parents plan to sell it so they can have a holiday to Italy and then retire; shame they didn't fix it up for me and hubby, we had a lot of fights about that house...I won't say it was the cause of our breakup but it certainly contributed over the years.) Other than that, he thinks we will all be moving into a 'new big house with stairs' very soon. With Daddy. I don't know what to tell him when he tells me that.

So; hubby and I are still apart. I miss him and it's not getting any easier but I know in my head (as opposed to my heart) that I did the right thing. I guess I didn't think we would still be separated after six months. My lease on my little green house was only for six months and initially I thought, by now, that we'd be looking for another house together. I wanted him to try and work things out but I'm the only one who seems to bother. It's me who calls almost every day (even just to say hello or to work out when he can see Little Son or come up and have dinner with me and the kids), me who still suggests we go and see a relationship counsellor. He gets angry and emotional; still puts me down when he thinks he can't control me (perhaps he may just be learning??). I can see he's having a difficult time of it all; he gets very upset and teary a lot and won't open up about what's bothering him. I know what it is, though. He's upset because he thinks I've chosen my friend Tazz over him.

I really like Tazz; but I know He's Just Not That Into Me. Sure, we play cards and drink together every day and have sexual contact on occasion, but he's not that long out of a relationship himself and I know (because he's told me) that he'd be back with his ex in a heartbeat if he could. We get on well; I've told him about you but I doubt you'd be best buddies, especially seeing as he is a mad football fan and goes for the Celtics. (Me, being loyal to you, told him I'm a Ranger's fan; hey I've known you Longer!) . There's a game being played here early Monday morning, and I set his alarm to remind him; I also told him to keep an eye out for behind the Ranger's goal posts; cos I'd tell my mate, T, to pull out her boobs when the Ranger's score. Death to all Hoops. Sister.

Well; what else? Aside and apart from being broke I've scored tickets to go and see Pink in concert on June 4th. I can't wait, but I'm sure I'll get a bit sad when I hear her sing Don't Leave Me. It sums my head up at the moment.

Anyway my Lovely, as usual I'm apologetic for being lazy. I've missed you...write soon.

Talk to you then,

Love,

Miss Construed xx

I'm Alive...

There's a lot that I don't know
There's a lot that I'm still learning
But I think I'm letting go
To find my body is still burning
And you hold me down
And you got me living in the past
Come on and pick me up
Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

And I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

And the bars are finally closed
So I try living in the moment
'Til the moment it just froze
And I felt sick and so alone
I can hear the sound
Of your voice still ringing in my ear
I'm going underground
But you'll find me anywhere I feel

That I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

You hold me down
You hold me down
I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness

I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
I just need light
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution
I need light, I need light

The Resolution

Lyrics by Jack's Mannequin

Get It Straight...

I wanted to write tonight...

But I'm a cleaner.

Not a philosopher.

Conflicted...

Hubby called me tonight...

So?

Conflicted.

Right Now...

I'm missing you.

Hubby...

How And Why...

How should I tell him that I want him to take my clothes off?

How do I tell him that I don't want to go slow?

Why am I afraid that he doesn't want to love me?

Perhaps it's because I'm scared that he's going to say No.

Friday Fun...

Watching rollies...

Smoking the cricket...

Star Wars Lego in the background...

Tazzie snoring...

Half a cask of Goon...

Stoned.

Crack Whore...

(NB This and the next few entries are from the archives of Me Myself Eye.)

So where was I?

Last Tuesday morning Hubby drove his car to work. Afterwards he went to the Pub. Then he called. Said he would be staying the night at Twink's rather than risk running into any coppers after drinking four schooner's of beer. I told him that was a good idea...

Last Wednesday Hubby rang up. The piece of shit he'd bought for himself had already broken down. He told me where it had stopped and I filled up every last bottle I could find in the house with water and took it to him. I followed his car home and then tried to initiate a conversation...

Me: Did you hear Miss Fancy Pant's has resigned from work? She rang up earlier and asked if I wanted to go out with her for Farewell Drinks?

Hubby: Why did you have a second kid if your only plan was to dump It on me so that you could go out drinking all the time?

Me: If you're going to be like that, when He (little Son) is standing right beside us hearing every word; then I just won't go.

Then his phone rang. It was Golden Shower Boy. I could hear him down the line. I told Hubby I wasn't going out with MFP any more, anyway, and to have a good night with GSB.

A few minutes later Hubby was packing a bag. Leaving. Making damn sure that I couldn't do the same.

MFP cancelled her farewell drinks when I rang and explained the situation; and came up to visit Me instead. A too few many bottles of RTD Bourbon later and we set her alarm for a quarter to seven so I could drive her home in time to have a quick shower before heading off to a job interview. Afterwards I took little Son to school and then went to work. It was a good distraction.

I presumed that Hubby had slept at Twink's. Then I later found out they had had a blow out after only a few hours and Twink had asked him to find somewhere else to go. So he went to the only person who will never judge him for what he's done and put us through. He went home to his Mother's.

NB The blow up between them( as far as I can work out) is that Hubby was out trying to score Coke with the overtime money he had earned the week before; we were going to use it to pay off the kid's Christmas presents and to buy a new barbecue; but he bought the piece of shit car and blew the rest; presumably on drugs (and potentially pro's). When Twink found this out he 'got up' Hubby on my behalf; as those sorts of antics (the drugs anyway) is what my Hubby has always accused me of blowing 'his' money on. Now it was him; and I was at home minding the children, so Twink rightly pointed out the Hypocrisy of his actions. It didn't please him; and neither did it when Daz and Mac put their two cents in a few days, too.

Thursday night I didn't go to the Trivia; that's going to put on hold until after we sort out some access arrangements for the kids...

But he showed up anyway; to get more clothes even though he had packed two bags just the night before. His car wasn't out the front; it was still obviously broken.

Me( nicely, calmly): Having car trouble? I can give you a lift down there if it would help you out?

Hubby: Why are you trying to be nice to me Now? It's a bit late for that don't you think?

Me: I just don't see the point in fighting anymore. If it's over, then now we can start being friends. Don't you think?

Hubby: I fucking Hate you, Buffoon. And I'm never coming back to you.

Me: Okay; so what are you going to do about the dog?

Hubby: Knock it on the fucking head.

Nice.

He was taking his time packing; all the while little Son was following him around like a puppy dog. I just wanted to get out for a while so that he could finish and leave.

Me: Come on little Son. Get in the car. We're going out for a drive.

Hubby: (Snidely) Off to get drugs; I bet.

So what if I was? By then I needed it.

I went up to C's (from work) sister's house. We talked for a good hour while we watched our son's (they are both five) run around fighting over who got to play with the police car.

Then I went home. It was empty. But quiet.

Friday I went to work; then dropped off little Son (to my Mother's) after school. I was at the Pub when Jen Jen sent me a message saying they were at a Different pub. Sometime, in the meantime, hubby rang- abusing me because I had let the mobile phone bill lapse by two days (both our phones are connected on the same bill- though he had jumped to the conclusion I had his disconnected already). He was yelling abuse at me to bring All of his money to him, because he was sleeping in his car on the side of the road and had no money.

Me: I know you're not sleeping in your car. I know you are at your mother's. I've given you three hundred and I have thirty. It's all I've got.

I also told him you can't get blood out of a stone.

So I went to meet Jen Jen; not really expecting to run into hubby; but he was there after all- it was Twink's works' Christmas party. We didn't speak; hubby sat at the other end of the table and then left without saying goodbye. To Anybody.

The rest of us changed pubs. Hubby wasn't there either so I was beginning to think that the coast was clear. A few beers later and we went back to Twink's for a final beverage. I inadvertently (rather drunkenly) fell asleep on one of the lounges upstairs.

When I woke up Twink and Daz were playing on the X-Box. I told them I was going home but Twink told me I was still too pissed to drive and to stay in the spare room instead. I agreed and went up the stairs but then came back immediately with the news...

Me: There's someone in there.

It was news to Twink. A few seconds later we could all hear hubby calling out to Me.

Hubby: Where's that Crack-Whore going now?

I quickly left; telling Daz and Twink I wasn't sticking around for More of the Same.

I got home around five am. Took off my jeans and climbed into my bed.

And then the front door opened...

It was him. I heard him making a coffee, stirring the teaspoon a hundred times more than was necessary. I reached across my bed to slam the door. Shut. When I woke up he had left for work but he had made himself a few sandwiches and left the crumbs all over the bench. It pissed me off that he was eating my food when as far as he knew I had no more means of buying anymore.

NB I know he only came home to make sure I hadn't gone Elsewhere. He has it in his head I've been fucking around. I haven't; but try telling Him that.

Saturday morning I woke up with a killer headache; pumped two Nurophen and a cone into me and then drove down to the Pub. It was about eleven o'clock and the Boys were getting ready to go off and play cricket. I was the first one there; eventually Twink, Daz and Pauly joined me. GSB shuffled in around midday and joined everybody at my table. I ignored him. Our fighting days are Over. At least as far as I'm concerned.

Twink wasn't playing cricket (he has torn ligaments in his knee) so after the cricket team left we made our way down to the next Pub. On the way he told me that he had no idea that hubby had been asleep in his spare room the night before. I had thought he was trying to trick me into going in to the bedroom to 'reconcile' with hubby. He assured me that wasn't the case.

On the walk, Twink told me that hubby had been going around asking Everybody at the pub if they were sleeping with 'his Missus'. Even the Hot Rigger. Pity I hadn't thought of that; it's such a damn shame I adore his wife! Probably the only one he didn't accuse me of being with was GSB.

Anyway; all this time hubby was at work (overtime on a Saturday). I had given him every cent I had of his and had raided the kid's bank accounts of what little they had. When I found out it was Locky's fiftieth birthday I decided to stick around and have a beer with Twink and Mac.

Twink left after a nap; on the promise of a root (off C). Mac and I had a ball, interspersed with seriousness of what was transpiring between hubby and I.

Mac: Do you know he accused me of fucking you, too?

Me: You know what, Maccie? Now is our best chance. I am single. You are single. Twink is at C's. Hubby's not here. No one is Ever going to know. What do you reckon?

For a full second it was serious. And then we laughed our heads off. At the Joke.

Mac: Like That's going to happen.

Precisely. Because we are Mates.

Sunday I went to work; afterwards I went to the Pub for the Fishing Club Christmas party. Hubby wasn't there (though he is a member). I stayed for an hour, had two steak sandwiches and a handful of prawns; and then left as little Son was getting dropped home within the next hour.

I felt like rat shit after work; so I set my alarm for six thirty, so I could wake up and get the kid's dinner. Then I laid down and closed my eyes.

Not ten minutes later- there was a knocking at the door.

Eldest Son opened it; and I instantly recognised the "OH MY GOD" that followed.

I've known that voice for twenty three years.

Wemmaly had arrived...

He Does Look A Little Bit Like Jesus...

I still know exactly how I was feeling when I last listened to this song.

I doubt I'll ever forget Why...

See if You All can work out why.

"You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

Can we climb this mountain
I don't know
Higher now than ever before
I know we can make it if we take it slow
Let's take it easy
Easy now, watch it go

We're burning down the highway skyline
On the back of a hurricane that started turning
When you were young
When You Were Young"

Lyrics by The Killers

A Blast From The Past...

Two years ago, Today, I wrote this post.

Pretty prophetic.

And seeing as I have not the strength , will or inclination to go into what's been happening in my sorry Life at the moment, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share this with You All instead.

Enjoy...

"The Sorry Bitch Who Caused It All..."

It's ten days til my Hubby's birthday. Another year older and as discontented with his life as I am with mine.

So we have our good moments. But it's not enough for either of us and we're just looking for an excuse- a chance to blame the other- why we failed, until we break up. Sometimes that is what I want; but mostly I need to be with him. Even when I could tear my hair out by the handful; even when I wish I had the nerve to just destroy myself from the inside out; or curl up and just die- I hold onto the thought that he loves me.

I don't know why he does but I know he does- for some reason. I don't deserve it; I'm too messed up.

I want him to find me right now- here- spilling these tears that I keep inside me all the time that can't come out. I feel so lost; no one understands me. Not even me. Why do I act this way; the way that I do? I'm so scared of losing everything so I drive it away before I can lose it. No one else would put up with me. Everyone else would leave or cheat on me and yet he doesn't. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want to hurt me or if it's because he doesn't want to be the one to cause our breakup. So he doesn't feel responsible- like he did the best he could and can be a martyr. That's maybe why I stay and put up with all the shit too.

I don't want to be the sorry bitch who caused it all to fall down. I don't want to be the one who ends it. That would make me the failure yet again; someone who can't keep a job, or a course or a relationship from failing.

I know I go on with crazy shit but at the time it's happening I feel perfectly justified; it's only afterwards that I look at my actions or words and decide I went too far. I try not to say anything half the time but then he badgers or goads me into an argument; or sometimes it's me who wants a fight. But I can't understand why he's still here when he obviously doesn't want to be. And I'm not sure that this will work out anymore- even though I used to be so sure that it would. I don't know that we are right together or even if either of us want to make it right. Or believe that it could be better.

We can't communicate. I can't understand him and he can't understand me. Christ only knows how hard I try and understand him- he doesn't even know that; how much time each day I think about Us and why things are shit. It's not supposed to be easy but surely it's not meant to be this fucking hard.

I don't think things could be much worse between us. I only have this blog to talk to; it's the only thing I can talk to and be heard- and that's a pretty dismal statement right there. I don't want to worry anyone. I want to be able to cop shit on the chin and take everything in stride but I'm losing. Again. And who needs to hear my shit? Who would even care to know it?

Now I just feel sorry for myself as usual.

I want to go to bed but I don't even know where I'm welcome to sleep- and the only reason I know I'll be able to go to sleep is the four beers I drank earlier and the tired eyes I have from crying and snotting all over the table cloth.

My Life- all that it encompasses- just sucks shit today. It'll be the same tomorrow and the day after that and the next and the next.

I'm tired of making excuses. I just can't do it anymore.

A Sory Story...

So the Shit hit the fan.

Next morning I rang Twink and told him Myself that I'd busted him out to C.

Twink: Thanks a fucking lot. No wonder she cancelled our date today.

Then he hung up. I messaged him back and said I wasn't expecting his forgiveness any time soon.

Twink: Get fucked. Hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame because you're never welcome at my house.

I can't remember my exact reply; something to do with C being my friend.

Twink: Moral crusader. How 'bout telling Jeffro what (his wife) A did?

Me: That's not the same and you know it.

Twink: Fuck off.

Me: Don't blame me 'cos you can't keep your cock out of X's mouth.

Twink: I blame you 'cause you can't keep your fucking mouth shut.

Me: C is my friend. She deserved to know.

Twink: So is Jeffro and Miss Fancy Pants but you don't say anything to them. Get your own shit together before making excuses for being a bitch.

Me: Stop being a hypocrite.

Twink: Are you for real? You are the biggest hypocrite I know. What's good for one is good for everyone. Look it up it's under Buffoon.

Me: Under Twink.

Twink: The Moraliser. You're going to lose for it. I'm not going to forget what you did.

Me: I don't expect you to forgive or forget.

Twink: That's why you are a fucking bitch. Lose my number and don't come near me.

So I went to the Pub that very afternoon. He messaged Hubby and said that he would see him at the Pub as long as I wasn't there. Like he was barring me. As Hubby said it's not up to him where I drink. Unbeknownst to Me, Twink was across the road at the bottle shop buying smokes. When he came back over I looked him in the eye and gave him a raised eyebrow.

Twink: Stop following me.

Me: I'm just having a cigarette Twink.

And so on it went. He sat on the other side of the Pub with big Pak. Hubby and I sat with Mac and the others. At one point Hubby and Twink were outside together arguing over me. Mac and a few others asked me Why I'd busted him out and not others( especially why I hadn't told Jeffro what I knew about his wife) No one seemed to understand why I'd dogged out a mate of over ten years to a chick I've barely known a year.

Me: Because I couldn't break Jeffro's heart. And because he hasn't asked the question.

Twink overheard.

Twink: Then I'm going to get him to ask you That question. Then you'll have to tell him. Won't you.

We started yelling at each other in the Pub; Twink was bringing up Everybody's secrets. M the Publican shouted at us that nobody there was there to listen to our crap. I acknowledged that she was right and Hubby and I left.

The next day Hubby and Twink had to play cricket; and Jen Jen and I organised ourselves a night out at the pub where she works. I had a great night talking to her friends and Boss. When the pub shut we moved the party to a nearby house; and about midnight Hubby, Twink, Fido, Bar Chick and Daz all turned up. I was playing pool with a guy called Gonzo; he was probably in his mid forties. He said I was the Best Chick there. Hubby must have overheard him.

About two we all walked back to Jen Jen's to go to bed. I had left my car and work clothes there for the next day. Hubby and Twink were having an argument about me in the back yard. Hubby was inferring that Twink only slept with ugly women and that he should do something about it.

Hubby: I've only slept with five chicks and Buffoon's the ugliest one I've fucked.

I wasn't happy. Maybe I even over reacted. But I drove home at two thirty with a belly full of piss.

Next morning I went to work. Hubby rang at nine thirty; abusing me for leaving him at Jen Jen's without any way of getting home. I told him I was at work and hung up. He called back and told me I was bitch. I hung up again.

It was a long hot day. My 2IC was riding me like a Bitch. She sent me upstairs to redo the shower in 303. I went back down to tell her that 303 was in fact a disabled bathroom and, as such, didn't have a shower cubicle. She took me back upstairs and pointed out a black streak on the floor that the vacuum had left ( vacuumed by someone else after I'd finished cleaned the room) and a few stray pubes that had also been missed. All the while 2IC was inferring that I was 'seedy' and constantly asking if I was okay; despite my assurances to her that I was just hot and working hard.

After work I went to the Pub. Hubby was there with Twink. I sat with them. All had been forgotten, apparently, after they'd been on the piss for a few hours. Little Son was getting dropped home at two thirty so I only stayed for a quick couple and then we left.

Monday I worked. 2IC looked me up and down in the elevator.

2IC: Are you still seedy?

Huh? It had been forty hours since I'd driven home from Jen Jen's.

I was doing kitchens as Kritta prefers to do bathrooms. 2IC had also put two new girls together; so that even though Kritta and I had two extra rooms than they did we still finished way ahead and then had to stay back to help them finish their work as well. We decided to only make the beds for them; after all we'd already done our fair share of bathrooms and kitchens.

2IC had started the room checks. She was being pretty picky; sending me back into two rooms to clean a spot (from the roof) out of the microwaves. She was just about to chip me for one of the kitchens that the other's had done when Kritta told her we were only doing the beds for them. She backed off; but not before asking for the hundredth time if I was 'okay'; still inferring I was hungover or pissed.

Anyway; that's all sorted now. J (my Boss) came back and must have have a good talking to her. 2IC's been nice as pie ever since; probably something to do with the fact she's still on Probation...

So we're up to Wednesday; aren't We?

I picked Hubby up from the Pub and we were on our way to KFC to pick up dinner for the kids. I still had the shits at him for calling me the ugliest chick he's ever fucked. And for not saying sorry or for taking it back. I mean; he apologised to Jen Jen straight away when he found out he'd taken her smokes. Even though he texted it. Even though he had to ask Twink and I how to even spell it.

Hubby: You don't spell it that way do you? Isn't it spelt S..O..R..Y?

Just goes to prove how little He's used the word in his life.

Anyway; the mood changed. As we were going through the drive-thru window Hubby told me that he already had a fuck lined up for Friday night.

Hubby: Probably two.

Me: Good for you. Maybe I should've fucked the person I liked three years ago then.

He only heard the words 'fucked' and 'three years ago'. And I only said it to get him to get out of the car. It worked. He got out and walked to Golden Shower Boy's (did I forget to tell You All he's back). I could still see him walking down the road when I texted him.

Me: Don't rely on GSB for a Pro. He can't get a sure thing. I've worked you out, Hubby. You can't even masturbate even though you are the only one you care about. Good luck to you. Mate.

The kids and I ate tea and went to bed. Around four thirty I woke up and went to the toilet. I went into the kitchen to have a smoke and heard a stirring in the lounge. He'd crept back in and was asleep on the couch. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep for ages.

Next morning he didn't wake me up to drive him to work; he had obviously decided to have the day off. I dropped little Son at school and went to work myself. It was an early day; I stopped into the Pub on my way home. Hubby was at the bar when I got there but he ignored me. I sat with Jeffro and his work mates. Hubby sat with GSB out in the beer garden. I left at three and picked up little Son from school. I asked him what he wanted for tea. He said that he wanted McDonald's.

Now I know that they had KFC the night before. I usually only get the kids take-out once a week. But I figured Hubby was going to be at the pub with GSB for quite a while. And then, at about half past five, Hubby turned up at home. He wanted to know what dinner was and I told him I was getting the kids McDonalds. He told me he didn't want that so on the way I stopped at the IGA and got him a t-bone and macaroni to go with veges.

He was yelling at me when I was leaving to go to trivia; I was yelling back. Something about how I own nothing in this house.

Me: Look around you, you fucking idiot. Everything that's in there is Mine.

When I got to Trivia GSB was sitting with Fido so I joined another team. We won. On the way home I dropped into Mac's to pick something up. I got home about eleven thirty. As usual.

Hubby was asleep in our bed; all the lights were off. I went into the kitchen and turned on the light; only to find the sink full of smashed plates. I stormed in and woke him up; ranting and raving. Wanting to know Why he had smashed everything in front of the kids just because he was angry at Me.

NB I found out later he had been reading my blog. He told me that I was living in a fantasy land and that the drugs were getting to me if I believe that any of That had happened.

Hubby: They aren't here anymore. DOCS took your kids away.

NB His mother works for DOCS and I knew that he was implying the kids were with her. Still; I was less than impressed that he had packed them up and sent them over there. I was like a women possessed; calling him every insult I could think. That's when he came for me.

It was over in a minute or so. He'd grabbed me by the throat and was banging my head into the wall; not hard enough to break me but hard enough for me to know he meant business. I know he could hammer me into the wall if he wanted to. That's why I don't fight back.

It ended. He wanted to go back to bed. I was telling him to get out. Yelling it. Glad now that the kids weren't there. He wasn't going to leave; this much I knew. Then I did something I've never done. I called the police on him. By the time they arrived an hour and half later he had left in a taxi for (I presumed) Twink's. I rang my Mother-in-law and asked her when the kids were coming home. I told her what had happened and was surprised by her reaction.

MIL: In his defence, Buffoon, he didn't even know when you were coming back.

That's bullshit. I was at the Trivia. Where would I have gone?

Friday morning I took little Son to his Speech therapy; then dropped him to school. I went from there over to my best mate, M's. Then I went and visited my other mate, CC. They both agreed I had done the right thing and that space and time apart was what we needed; to cool down, work out what we both want.

After I left CC's I came home for a lie down. Before I did I sent Hubby a message. It's the only way I know to get him to listen to me.

Me: I was angry and scared. I love you and don't want to lose you but I want some time and space away from you.

He rang. He told me that I'd have to get my head sorted. I told him he had to acknowledge the domestic violence. He denied it.

Hubby: My plan was to go and get shit-faced tonight. If you want I can come up and we can talk but I'm not going to listen to your bullshit.

Me: Then I think you should come have a shower and get some clothes and then go out and get shit-faced like you planned.

He came at the same time as his Mother was collecting little Son (I was working on the Election all the next day and Hubby was playing cricket). We had a brief chat in the kitchen.

Me: I want a month. I want you at Twink's for a month. I want you to go away and find out who you are; and I'm going to do the same. I want to aim for Christmas. I don't want It like This anymore.

Hubby: Sort out your head first.

Then his mother gave him a lift to the Pub. I presume he got shit-faced on Ecstasy. I went out for a few drinks with CC's sister and her friends. Hubby rang to see where I was. I pointed out again that I wanted time and space.

Hubby: I'm fucking shattered Buffoon.

Me: I know Hubby. That's why we both need this.

The next day I worked fifteen and a half hours as a Polling Official; which was only made bearable by the result- a Labour victory at long last. On my way home I tried to phone Hubby to see if he had gotten something done for me in the day that I had asked him to do. When he didn't answer I assumed he was still at the Pub or at Twink's. Then the phone rang.

Hubby: I'm at home. C dropped me here. I didn't do that thing you asked. I'm trashed. I'm going to bed.

That's not what I wanted. I wanted a month. Still; I knew better than to wake him up. I gave C a call and asked her if she wanted to meet up with me and my Sister (she's been working on Election all day too) for a drink. She was mortified when she realised that she'd driven Hubby home after learning that I'd had to call the police to make him leave in the first place.

C: I'm so fucking sorry. He said that you had worked it out.

Me: No. I said that I wanted Time and Space away from him.

When the pub shut we went up home for a few bongs. I guess we were a bit loud and woke him up. He came out and accused me of being high on amphetamines.

Me: I've been working all day and had a few beers. You're the one who's been off their head for the last two days.

He went back to bed. My Sister decided to drive home and I decided to stay at C's for the night. I wrote him a note and left. We sat up until the sun came up; she told me about her weekend; the fights between GSB and Twink and Hubby. I told her I was glad that I had missed out.

Me: Welcome to My life.

The next day C had to pick up her kids, so she dropped me home. The smashed plates were still in the sink. Hubby was back at the Pub. I had a snooze for an hour then had to leave to collect Eldest Son and take him to the closing night of the play he's been in.

I got kebabs for tea on the way home. Hubby wasn't back.

He rang.

Hubby: Can I come sleep there? I need you to take me to work tomorrow. I'll sleep on the couch.

Me: Okay; on the couch it is. I still want that time, remember?

He came home. Ate his kebab. And went straight into bed. I went into him and asked him to go on the couch. he wouldn't; but said he would vacate when little Son and I went to bed and all the lights were off.

He did.

Yesterday; he didn't wake me up to drive him to work. He lay on the lounge and watched television while I washed the dishes in my biggest boiler (the sink still full of broken plates) and spent an hour or so cleaning up around the yard and hanging out the washing. Then I messaged Bar Chick to see if she wanted to go out for lunch with me. She said yes so I left.

Around four thirty he showed up at home. In a car that he'd bought. Now he doesn't need me to get to work. It's a relief and a weird realisation all at once.

That he doesn't need me now.

I wonder if that means he no longer wants Me,too.

Kritter...

Are you reading this too, Kritter?

Because I know your Mum (my boss J) does.

Say hi if you are. Or else you'll Never be a member of the A-Team.

Words Of Wisdom...

Gone.

All gone.

Actually...

I'm avoiding You too.

This Means Something To Someone...

They say your head can be a prison.
Then these are just conjugal visits.
People will dissect us till
This doesn't mean a thing anymore.

Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me.

Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion magazines.
Widow or a divorcee?
Don't pretend, d-d-d-don't pretend.

We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places, woah.
We do it in the dark with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places

We Don't Fight Fair.

Lyrics by Fallout Boy

Wicked Webs...

So Hubby came home...

For the first week we lay together on the lounge at night and fucked like people possessed; despite the fact his jealousy came to the 'fore on more than one occasion.

He even actually did the washing!

Hubby: I know you wore your sexy black undies. I know because I washed them. I don't care. Well; I do actually. And you don't have to tell me why you wore them. I just know that you did.

I was stunned into silence for a second.

Me: We were broken up. So it's none of your business why I was wearing them.

Hubby: I know; I know. Just telling you that I knew.

The Truth is far less sinister than it might appear...

Those "sexy black undies" of mine are actually one size too big for Me. I had my period. I usually wear His old undies when I have my period. We were broken up. I had made a concious decision Not to wear his undies Ever Again. Precisely Because we were Broken Up. And because even if I Were to meet someone that night I would Never risk Mr/Ms Somebody New ever catching me in those "sexy black undies" while I was menstruating like a stuck pig.

Clearly; they are my Worst Undies. And that's why I was wearing them. It pissed me off that Hubby thought otherwise. Still; I didn't explain this too him.

We were broken up. I don't Have to explain. He can think what he wants.

Hubby: I also forgot to tell you that Fido had the shits at Miss Fancy Pant's spending so much time with you when I was staying at Twink's.

That's why she broke up with him in the first place; his Possessiveness.

Me: Did you tell him that the Powderfinger concert was Ten weeks ago? Because that's when they broke up. What right has he got to tell her, or Me for that matter, if or when we can hang out? We don't need his permission.

Hubby: He was worried that you and her would fuck I guess.

Me: If I'd wanted to fuck MFP I would have done it years ago. I don't fuck my friends. You know that. And if we Had it wouldn't have been Any of Either of your business'.

Hubby: I know. I'm know. I'm just saying.

Me: Seems to me that Fido has had Golden Shower Boy in his ear a little too much (GSB has long accused me and Hubby of being Swingers; after a botched foursome attempt ended in a threesome without GSB included. I just Couldn't let him near Me. I really should write That story. It was also the same night that Little Son was conceived. One day!)

Still; we were getting on great- until Melbourne Cup Day. Hubby cracked his first beer at eight o'clock in the morning and waited for the rain to go so that he could mow the lawn. I got Little Son ready for school and left for work.

And what a shit day at work it was! There was only myself and the New Girl. And we got Eighteen rooms. Eight studios. Two Two-bedders. Two Weeklies. And six Services. That's Heaps.

My boss J knew I had the shits but was laughing about it; even as she got ready for the Melbourne Cup lunch that the Hotel was putting on in the function room. J knows I'm a pisshead and was super keen to get to the Pub to watch the race as soon as I could. You could have put another girl on, J!

We finished about two. I raced home to get out of my uniform and then went straight to the Pub. I got my first beer and found Hubby and Jen Jen's boyfriend playing the Pokies. I told them I had to leave in just over an hour to pick up Little Son from school.

Hubby: I'm going with Daz into Town to watch the race. We're just finishing this beer and then going.

Me: So you're going to dump me are you? How do you plan on getting home from there? After I pick Little Son up I'm going home and having a few beers.

Hubby: Then I won't go.

Me: Do what you want to do. I'm going to. You'll just have to get your own way home.

I finished my beer and left them there and then quickly drove to another Pub to place my bets. I watched the race with Jeffro and Pak and then had to leave immediately to drive to school. While I was in the school yard I got a phonecall. It was Hubby.

Hubby: I'm pissed now. I've been on the piss since eight o'clock. Can you come back and get me, Milko and Bowesy and drop them home?

Me: Yeah. Won't be long.

I wasn't. But then Milko wanted to 'quickly' chop up. He took his time. By the time we were in the car it was four o'clock. My phone rang again. It was Mother.

Me: I'm just dropping all the Boy's home. I'll call you when I get there (my home).

After we dropped Milko I turned left and headed back towards the Pub. All afternoon I'd only had two beers and felt like another.

Hubby: Where are we going?

Me: How about we drop in for one on the way home? We can sit in the beer garden and buy Little Son a packet of chips?

Hubby: I knew you had this planned all along. To drag me away from the Pub and dump Little Son on me so that you can go back to the Pub all night.

Huh?

Me: Forget it. I only wanted one more on the way. I'm not going into this shit again. I'm sick of fighting like this in front of Little Son.

It continued the rest of the way home anyway.

Hubby: What's this? Why did you buy more cigarettes?

Me: Because I assumed you were going to go to the Pub with Daz and I'd have none. Where are yours?

He couldn't find them for a minute; which prompted Me to tell him that I'd have to go Back to the Pub and retrieve his packet. After all they were a full deck.

Hubby: I knew you had this plan. Now look! There's Neighbourhood Kid. He's coming over to play with Little Son and I'm too trashed. You do this to me every time. Dumping Little Son on me so you can stay out all night. Like Saturday night just gone.

There's a story to that, too...

Saturday afternoon we went to a barbecue at Jeffro's house for his little boy's Pirate Party. We took little Son and stayed for a couple of hours then left. We gave Mac's niece, Lil K, a lift back to his house. Hubby told me I could go out with Lil K for a few drinks. I told him I would be home late and I was; but I'd had chemicals and didn't come home until early in the morning. He hadn't seemed shitty at the time.

It was an interesting night to say the least...

Mac and I had gone over to his house for a quick bong. Twink came downstairs looking guilty. I went upstairs to use the loo. In the bathroom was Twink's ex; bending over at the sink with her g-string on show, washing her face. She was there, I presumed, picking up their baby. As far as I knew their relationship had Ended the same day she had (rather Belatedly) told Twink she was 22 weeks pregnant with him.

Still; I didn't expect Twink to tell Mac that he was 'busted' getting a blowjob.

Busted? By whom? Twink was the one telling the tale after all. Mac and I had just walked in on it.

Me: You're a Grub, Twink.

Twink: It's just a blowjob, Buffoon.

Me: No. It's a sexual act with someone you've been telling us you've not been with in a year.

Twink tried to tell Me he was just trying to 'keep his ex happy' so he could see the baby whenever he liked.

Me: Then it would've been You between her legs. Not the other way round. And what about C?

NB She is my friend from work; they've been rooting for about six weeks.

Also note; Twink was sober. Babysitting his son. He has claimed for the last year that he is a Single Father and has had no sexual relationship with his ex since before he was born; and it was on these selling points that C had agreed to meet up with him in the first place.

And now I knew Different.

I went home and told Hubby straight away that Mac and I had 'busted' Twink. And when I told him that C deserved to know that I knew 'different' Hubby actually agreed.

Hubby: He's been lying to everyone all along.

I thought Twink had Nuts. I was wrong...

So that was That until after Melbourne Cup Day. I hadn't seen or spoken to C though she had messaged me; on the hunt for pot. I put in a few phone calls and rang her back; still unsure of what, or if, to tell. It didn't take long for Me to make my choice. She told me she was expecting him to visit her the next day.

Me: I have something to tell you.

And I told. I busted out my mate Twink to a chick I've known for less than a year.

She thanked me. And called me her Mate.

When I went to bed I whispered to Hubby to see if he was awake...

Hubby: Yeah. Why?

Me: Because the Shit is about to hit the fan.

And it has.

The Story Of My Life...

I suppose I should explain...

The first Friday night came around. Miss Fancy Pants rang and told Me she was finishing work at four and would be around to pick me up so that we could go for Last Drinks before she left for Thailand in the morning. Then hubby rang; asking me if I could take his lunch bag down to him because he was working on Saturday. I told him I'd drop it over to Twink's by about five.

I got ready. Then waited. And waited. At a quarter to six hubby rang to see where his bag was. He was a bit shitty with me. I told him I was still waiting on MFP to give me a lift. Frankly; it was pissing me off. I'm Never late. In fact I'm always early. If she had told me she wasn't going to be able to get away from work until a quarter to seven I would have made my own way there. Still; I know she wasn't keen to walk into the Pub on her own- knowing that her Ex, Fido, would be there, too.

So we got there about seven. Finally. I put hubby's bag behind the bar and me and MFP went outside for a cigarette and sat with Hairy and 'Ranga and a few of the other regulars. After a while we had quite a crowd; and then Twink and hubby joined us as well. Twink lined me up to collect the kegs for his party the next night. Me and hubby didn't speak. When I looked around a few hours later he had disappeared. Twink told me he had left ages ago.

By now we were all pretty drunk; I'd given the chemicals a miss for a change. Twink tells Jen Jen and I that he can give us a lift back to his house but we refuse; he's way too drunk to be getting behind the wheel. He's parked his car a few hundred metres from the Pub and when we walk past it he goes to get in but had left the accessories on and the battery was dead. Jen Jen and I sat on the corner and laughed at him as he got out; admitting defeat and leaving his keys in the ignition (which would have saved him a lot of time in the morning if he had Remembered). Then he stumbled down the corner and sat with us in the road.

After a bit we decide to Do The Walk. It's only a kilometer or so to his house but it's hard work through the Park when you're pissed. Twink was sitting in the gutter. I took one hand and Jen Jen took the other and we heaved his 110 kilogram bulk to his feet. Unfortunately he overbalanced and came crashing down on top of Me. I was the meat between him and the concrete. It knocked the wind out of me completely and I lay in the road for a good ten minutes before I could even stand up. Twink thought it was hilarious.

Twink: You wouldn't have gotten so hurt if you had bigger tits!

Never mind that I'd just broken the Fat Prick's fall!

Anyway; it was painful. I've had rib injuries before and know that when the alcohol wears off you're in for weeks of pain and healing. (And I am).

We made it back to Twink's. Lorne and Rocket were already there. Mac and hubby were upstairs sleeping. I felt awkward and wanted to leave. Lorne started in on Jen Jen (he was off his head but that's No excuse for the names he called her) and she was so upset we walked out. We got a Taxi back to her house and went to bed.

When I woke I was in agony from where Twink had fallen on me. When I lifted my arm gingerly above my head I could even see where the cartilage damage was. It hurt to breath, cough and sneeze; but still- today was Twink's Fortieth Party and I had a job to do in getting the kegs. I rang Fido (he lives around the corner from Jen Jen) and he picked me up to go get my car.

At twelve I picked Twink up from the cricket and took him back to the Pub to get the kegs. He was joking the whole time that I should be the one to carry them because it was His party and I was Keg Wench. Normally. Normally I Would carry a keg. But not with the pain I was in.

Me: (laughing) Carry it yourself You Fat Prick.

At around four we tapped the keg and Fido Twink and I all drank from the Cup of Triumph...

Then I went to pick up Jen Jen. She was down at the pub where she works as a barmaid having a few drinks with some of the girls she works with. Her boss and his wife were buying us all drinks. I had a great conversation with both of them; the wife is an Editor of a magazine and told Me to start sending out Stuff again if I ever wanted to get published. I stayed with them a few hours and then left to go back to Twink's party.

By then C, my friend from work who is dating Twink, arrived. And hubby was there. He seemed surprised to learn that I'd been helping Twink and Fido with the kegs all afternoon. He made a comment that I'd worn my hair down (I always wear it in a plait). I told him that I was wearing Thongs (the flip-flop kind not the underwear) too. He seemed amused.

CC (sober and heavily pregnant) and Norty were there by now. Then heaps of people turned up at once. Someone gave me drugs and the night became a blur. I remember talking to Foki and Shez about breaking up with hubby. CC and Shez told me to do whatever I had to do to be happy.

Soon it was five in the morning and the Sun was coming up. C took Twink, hubby, Shez and Foki with her in her car back to Twink's for the night. I followed in a Taxi with someone I'll only name as The Landscaper. I've known him for years and though I've never felt an attraction to him before I suddenly found myself sharing a random pash in the backseat. Just as quickly it was over; and unspoken about until This day...

It won't come out either; especially now as Hubby and I are back together.

You see; when I got back to Twink's hubby was already asleep in the spare room. When I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open for a second longer I lay down on the couch upstairs. Shez came over and sat with me.

Shez: He's in There waiting for you to forgive him. He's in there waiting for you to come back to him.

So I went.

And He was.

We got back together that night but he didn't come home straight away. On the Sunday morning after we had fucked our Sorry's out he took Little Son and Chopper over to his Mother's for a swim; just as he'd said. We decided that he would stay at Twink's for a few more nights so that we could still think about what we each wanted to happen. For time to Just Think about why we want to stay together.

He came home again on Wednesday. It had been ten days. I know that's not much; Long-term readers of this Blog know that the Years of contending with such a turbulent relationship can't be repaired or mended in only ten days.

But the point is that we still love each other enough to keep trying.

And for Now that will be Enough.

For Better For Worse...

I'll just cut to the chase.

We are back together.

For Better. For Worse.

To Be Continued...

Thursday night I dreamt of him...

He came into my bed whilst I was sleeping; enveloping Me in his arms. I felt his presence and I woke; to him gently touching my hair and face and scratching my back. He flipped me over in one smooth fluid motion so that I was sitting astride him. He pulled me closer to kiss and when we did I sucked his lip into my mouth before exploring his with my tongue.

Me: What are you On? Have you had Something?

Him: A big fat line of Coke. And a hot dog.

And with That he entered Me; from where I was straddled- with two fingers and a grin. I swear it felt real.

And then I woke; wet and close to orgasm.

But still Alone.

Where I'm At...

His sister drove him over tonight so that he could get more clothes. Little Son bombarded him as soon as he walked through the door.

LS: Can I stay with you Dad?

Him: Not tonight Matey. I'll be here on Sunday. I promise.

He had better be.

I asked him whether he would come to the RTA to fix up the registration. He said he would. He asked me What Day? I told him Wednesday. He said he'd call me about it. I wanted to tell him I'd see him on Saturday at Twink's birthday. But I don't know if I'll even go yet.

I'm supposed to ring Wemmaly right now; I hope to find out when she's moving back to Town. I need to start looking for houses. Yesterday. But then I lost the keys to my new car and I haven't had a spare set cut yet; so I'll be hoping to find them before the weekend's out. They are in the house somewhere because I managed to drive the car here. One good thing about it; No One came down on me for my absentmindedness. For a change...

So that's where I'm at. Trying to remember that something good might come out of this. For the four of Us. However separate We are.

And now You All will have to excuse me...

Because right Now all I want to do is put on his jumper.

And cry.

He Wins...

The great Euchre championship is done.

Dusted.

Ten nil.

His way.

Fuck Buddys...

I always thought that if (and when) I left my hubby that the next man I was with would love me back like I deserved...

Like I need. Like I want.

Apparently not.

He's not been awful. In fact he's been wonderful in every way. Mowing my lawn. Fixing my car. Putting up a trampoline on Christmas Eve. Playing with my kid and dog. I've never had a man treat me like he does. And he's not lied to me about how he feels. But I still want and crave his company above and beyond being his Fuck-Buddy. And that's all he's willing to give. And so I'll take it.

So I feel stupid. And embarrassed for feeling like this. For letting my emotions get the better of me. Yet again. I have tears now that he will not see. Or know about. I feel like a loser. I want to call him. I want him here.

What more can I do to get him to like me in the same say that I like him?

How can I stop Myself pushing him away?

I need a drink...

Dear Hubby...

I'm not sure if you'll even get to read this but I'm going to write it down now while the feelings are fresh.

I thought you had acknowledged the abuse you put me through. I thought you had admitted it to yourself. That's what you told me. I thought you said you had changed.

You haven't.

The past two weeks I've been thinking a lot about you. I was starting to think that maybe I was ready to look at getting some counselling with you in the view of getting our relationship back together. But not even counselling will help as long as you continue to be in denial about what you did to me in my lounge room in September.

You know I didn't make it up. I have the photos and the scars to prove it. Ask me and I'll show you.

Why say you even want me back? So you can hurt me again and then deny it?

As for sucking your cock two weeks ago- I think we both know the truth on that one. It didn't happen. You wouldn't have let me even if I'd tried. Tazz already knew that I'd slept in your bed. Texting him your make-believe nonsense didn't faze him in the least; so whatever your intentions were they failed.

Do me a favour and keep him out of this. I'll do the same with K when you start fucking her; if you aren't already that is. That's what you said you wanted to do last night, so good luck. You'll finally get to know the real definitions of mental and fucked up, and maybe come to the conclusion that I'm not and never was.

I'll say this as your mate...

Get some bloody help. I want Hubby back; not the shithead you've become in the past few years. I know you're still in there. I know we still love each other. I need you to accept that I didn't fantasize the whole episode up.

You told me that you wanted a future with me so deal with the past and maybe you'll get what you wanted. It's not too late.

Yet.

Love Miss Construed.

x

Scribble For The Scroatian...

How about I say Jump?

How fucking high do you want me to go?

I think I could love you Scroatian; I wish you wanted me in the same way I want you.

Don't you see she doesn't want you back? She sucks my proverbial arse.

I put Chilli in it just for you...

xxxxxx

(NB The Scroatian is a Scottish-Croation born in Tasmania. They are born with three heads. At the time of birth the uglier Side-twins are removed and pickled then kept in two jars which their Mother then keeps on her bedside tables. True story. I've seen the scars.)