Been Here Done This All Before...

The following is an entry from my personal diary- dated the First of November, Two Thousand and One...

It just about sums up how I feel today. How Time stands still.

Been Here. Done This. All Before.

" I know what Hubby's priorities Aren't.

Us.

As of now I give him my blessing to meet someone else. Maybe then He'll move out and leave us alone. Why do I even care about him- let alone love him- when he's so pathetic? He must think he's either shit-hot or that I'm a complete fuck-wit. He has no respect for Me and totally disregards my feelings. He has not listened to Me in years; no wonder I'm an alcoholic. I'm not pissed at the moment but Christ I'd like to be.

He's pissed the bed for the thousandth time- and now he's asleep on the couch in the nude. I've put the wet sheet on him to make him feel at home. It's not even the act of pissing the bed again that makes me wish he was gone; it's knowing that this is how it's always going to be as long as were together. He's the biological father of two kids and a Father to neither. I think sometimes he's only doing the best he can but it's like he's not even trying, actually. He couldn't care less. I don't believe him when he says he cares anymore. He can't. He's incapable of caring about us because he doesn't even care for anything-he's admitted it to me before that he doesn't care about anything- so that has to include me and the kids and his family and friends and everything else in his life. He doesn't even care about himself; but he's a lot higher on the list than anything else.

It's always what He wants.

He says women want everything- which isn't a surprise if they get Nothing.

I'm trying my hardest- I really am. Even if it doesn't look like it sometimes. I try and do the right thing for everyone. I won't even finish uni until I've tried to fix this broken household. Eldest Son's the only one with any hope left and how long will that last unless I take him out of this shit? How can I subject a baby to it?

I won't even let Hubby touch the baby if he comes home drunk and stoned like he does. I can't stay here; I shouldn't I know. It's fucking me up. I'm not strong enough to leave him; just like I wasn't strong enough to leave my Bastard Ex. That was the only nice thing He ever did for me- leaving when he did. Hell; I wish I'd never met That Bastard...

This isn't as bad as that scenario; at least I love Hubby. Why is another question.

I really must be some sort of bottomless pit of emotions that needs to be nurtured. There's Nobody for somebody like Me. No one could ever fill me up enough. I've heard Dr. Phil talk about people like Me on Oprah...

And I know I'm supposed to learn to somehow fill Myself up but I don't think I'm capable. I have too many bad opinions of Myself for me to compliment or comfort myself; too many insecurities. I just really need someone to look after me for a change- I'm not as strong as people think. In fact I'm really quite weak. Maybe I should just check myself into Local Mental Hospital or somewhere like that.

Is it possible to have a nervous breakdown for Years?

If so- it would take even longer to cure it; given that( for example) if you're sick for a week- it generally takes two more to get over it completely. That's probably why the Doctor thought I should be on anti-depressants for two years- so I would have properly gotten over my depression.

But No.I felt better so I stopped taking the medication. I admire people who know better; who don't think that what they are going through is a figment of their imagination...

I want to know if Hubby regrets me having these pregnancy's. Is that why he can't touch it- as if doing so would contradict his reality? Is that why he's so aloof to me lately- or even, in fact, going as far back as when Eldest Son was born? Psychologically he doesn't want to admit he Hates his responsibilities as he sees that I've made them. Us.

It's not being scared. It's being hateful and resentful for letting Themselves get in that predicament They're in in the first place. I want to know the answer to this question that I fear to ask for already knowing the answer.

That's fucked up Thinking. But there you go.

Opus."

(NB Just re-reading that makes me feel physically ill...)