Milestones...

There were some pretty harsh accusations flying around tonight...

So I looked in the mirror and saw the truth as I believe it.

And this is what I saw.

Yes, Sister; I go out a lot on the weekend because I'm a social creature who needs and desires the company of others. And when I go out my kids stay with their Grandparents and always have a great time. I'm happy they have four Grandparent's who would do anything for my children. My own Parent's helped me raise my eldest because I lived at home with them until he was almost three years old; but even now they ask to have my children most of the time merely because they enjoy their company. They take them away on holidays when they go- holidays I can't afford, living paycheck to paycheck as we do.

And I'd rather get a babysitter for my kids than sit them on the step of the pub with a packet of Twisties and a Fire Engine. I was- and in all likelihood still am- an alcoholic but the demon drink doesn't consume me every day like it once used to. Once upon a time I used to drink three to four litres of cask wine Every night and then sleep my hangover away the entire next day. I could function to the point of getting my eldest Son off to school with a packed lunch and then I would set the alarm for three so I could wake just in time to collect him before starting all over again. It was a waste of about seven years and the absolute worst ones of my life. I nearly threw it all away- in more ways than I care to recount; but I won't be going back there any time soon- I can assure you of that.

So I moved onto Other Things; things which for the illegality of them I'm loathe to say too much about. When I fell pregnant with my little Son I slowed up a bit- never giving up completly mind you; because even though I wish I could say being pregnant was enough reason to quit my addictions- the loneliness and depression I felt while pregnant with my second child was often hard to bear. My Hubby was of minimal support- I felt like a leper in my own home because I had chosen to keep the baby rather than terminate; when we were in a financial mess and with me unable to work because of my drinking and depression. It's not a justification of how fucked up my life was- it's just how it went.

So I deferred University for the second time and had my beautiful little Son in 2002. I stayed home because I am lucky we can scrape by on one income and the Government Support being part of this country says I am entitled to receive. And I loved having my little Friend with me all day- even in the beginning when he would sometimes cry for hours upon end and then wake- just as soon as I lay him out of my arms.

Tonight- I'm accused of raising one child who no longer wishes to live with me and of raising another with a behaviourial problem. What I see are the two loving and giving children that I brought into this world.

My Eldest is exceptionally intelligent and giving; only he and I know the true depth of our bond. I'm so proud of the way he's fought for me and worried for me over the years. It should never have been his burden and yet in many ways I rely on him to be my rock. He wants me to be happy because he loves me; I feel his heart when he frets about the fights that his Father and I have around him and his little brother. It's not fair but I still know in my heart he wants to stay living here with us- if only to keep his eye on me. He's taken on that role of Protector because he's a true Leo and he'd never desert me. Because he doesn't have the same opinion of me as some of the Others. Unlike them- he doesn't think I'm a waste a time.

My Littlest is going to have some learning difficulties; we've taken him to an OT just this past week and they've identified that he has poor fine motor skills and is more of a visual learner than somebody who can take exact directions to complete a task. I'm glad we've identified it before he just gets labelled as the Naughty Kid- or so my Sister put it just over an hour ago. I hope one day she can see him for the happy bright inquisitive boisterous little bubble that he is. His sense of humour he inherited from me; and that coupled with his Father's outgoing nature and good looks make him one of the most popular children I've ever known; both with adults and other children alike. He's only been at school six weeks and even kids in the higher grades greet him each morning with a friendly Hi Sammo. Everyone who meets him always comment on how happy he is all the time. He's cute even when he's naughty- and I love him beyond words. So would you.

I know I'm not the best mother in the World. I leave my kids at Grandma's on the weekend so I can go out with my friends to the pub and party- though lately we've been having more barbecues at friend's houses than anything else because they don't have a curfew in place and we spend less money on booze when we bring our own. My reason is that because I'm still young-I'm only turty tree and a turd remember; I still enjoy these nights out with my mates drinking hard and partying all weekend long. I'm a Mother- but that's what I do.

But I also provide a roof over their head. I shop clean cook and wash for them and drive them to school and drama lessons. I was there for all their milestones and always will be- and even though I'm the first to admit I haven't always been the best mother I could be, I've always been the best mother that I could be at the time. I think -and hope- my kids have always loved me for being me. Someone, I admit, who can readily get the shits for no apparent reason and who can be quick to show her anger sometimes- but also someone who genuinely loves and cares for her kids. And I'm their Mum. I'm not so different from mine truth be told-though she would readily disagree with that statement.

I took the kids up to my Sister's Farm the weekend before last; Hubby came too and we brought Chopper along for the ride- even though he's socially inept on farms and not only nearly got stomped on by the stallion but tried to eat a chicken as well. This lays to rest my Sister's accusation that we never take the kids anywhere because we are too busy dumping them at Grandma's so we can go off to get 'wasted'; another example was just the weekend before that- we were at a barbecue with our little Son in tow while the eldest had a sleepover at a friends. She doesn't know about my life so she makes assumptions about how I live it. If I can't get a sitter- when the Grandparents are away- we either take little Son with us or stay at home to mind him ourselves; eldest Son is fifteen and able to stay home a few hours by himself now. And they've both rarely been to the pub except for when we are picking up their Father- a fact I am proud of given my alcoholic past.

This brings me almost to conclusion...

I looked in the mirror tonight Sister, like you asked- and had a good hard look at myself. And the truth is that I like what I see better than what used to see staring back at me for the last fifteen years of my life. I'm not in denial about who I am.

I am a part-time working, full-time Mother who has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I've been to Psychologists who've never found anything wrong with me; in fact they've often gone on to say that I am, in fact, too personable to be crazy. And personally, I think I've achieved a lot in the past two years; from finally graduating from University after nine years to getting back into the workforce after fifteen. I still love to party but I've cut back dramatically; where were my concerned relatives when I was drinking myself to death on the couch every night?

Why are they only worried about me now that I've finally turned the fucking corner?