Am Small Inside...

My new assignment from Dr Phil- What do I accept on blind faith; what do I accept because of tradition; what has always been? Well I accept that I am a smart person because I have always been good at school; though not so much to my ability is proving at the moment. I accept on blind faith that I am an ugly, yet kind person. I have always looked more like my Father, and hence more like a man, than a woman. I have never thought of myself as awoman, though I am a girl and I am female.

I never like to divulge too much of myself to anyone; not to my Hubby, not to my Family. Because I wouldn't like to burden them with my shit; I don't want them to know that I can't cope on my own. I don't like feeling vulnerable but I set myself up to feel that way. From history and tradition I guess I have learnt that sex is yuck (from my Mother's attitude, who probably got it from her mother) and if you do enjoy sex then something is very wrong with you; because why would any Normal person like it? Also, that fun things are bad; why should you have any pleasure when you can moan and groan about things? From my Father I guess I learnt how not to speak up when things are bothering me; how not to rock the boat; to accept things for how they are regardless of how you feel.

From all the men in my live up til Now; I am just a cunt on legs holding a wallet. I can be used for pleasure, money- but my feelings are not important. It doesn't matter if I have an orgasm or not- I am unimportant. I am not special or pretty enough; that is for other girls. I can be replaced easily. I am just a female; which doesn't count that much to a man. I am inferior in strength and intelligence. I am whimsical and full of bullshit. I am wrong. I am clueless. I have no idea what life is all about. My opinion doesn't count; I am capable of lying and cheating and I wouldn't be missed if I was to leave.From being a Mother I believe I am inadequate. People scrutinise my every action and judge them as bad. I don't think that I am appreciated or ever will be; as a person I am unworthy of love; am small inside.

It's actually quite scary to be writing this; these are things I really feel to be true; even though in my head I know that they are not true. Maybe by acknowledging the way I feel, and by denying the more ridiculous claims I can see the ludicous nature of what I think about. Not to say that it will go away overnight; but surely this way of thinking is bad; and I have to get rid of it. Come to think of it; perhaps it isn't so ridiculous to think theses things; maybe I just have to work out why I think this way.

"Failure is no accident. You set yourself up for it or you don't" Dr Phil