Mother...Sister...Lover...

My Sister is twenty three today. Young thing. Though I suppose I had a four year old at her age. How time flies...

Anyhow; had a thought just then about the Voice. Perhaps it started by me initiating conversations with other people in my mind and it somehow became it's own character. I wonder how many other people do that? Talk to people in their minds and try and converse with them in that way. That doesn't sound right so I'll try and put it better.

Sometimes- well, quite often- I'll have a conversation (imagined of course) with someone in my mind. For instance, it might be my with my Hubby after we've had an argument and I'm telling him my point of view and why he's wrong about something- in my mind conversation's I am always right. It goes on as if I am really speaking and sometimes it makes me feel like I've actually had that conversation; like when someone says "Did you really say that?" and I say "No...but I thought of it/meant to". Or wished I had. Perhaps this is just an extension of the voice. Maybe my subconcious is the voice and I'm just very in tune with it. It's still not clear in my mind what I mean, but it's worth trying to get it out. If I can work out how the voice started then maybe I can figure out how to make it stop. I wouldn't even mind if it was a positive experience but the voice is almost always negative and painful.

On a good note I only had one beer and one big glass of wine last night. Had a good dream; my third in a row. Woke up okay; even put a load of washing on before taking my Son to school. Don't think that's ever happened before; still have to peg it out but. One black thought springs to mind. I've spent all my money on food and bills and am now worried that the wine I've got won't be enough if I need it tonight. Less than half a cask. I'd have bought another one by now usually. Was pretty calm about it last night, but what if i want more today? I've got no money! I know if worst comes to worst I've still got that Moselle that my Mother-in-law got me for Christmas, and I'd only have to get Coke and I could have that Bourbon in the cupboard. But I hope it doesn't come to that. I'm not saying it'll work but maybe I'll only have one glass tonight as well. I think at the moment I still need it to be by my side on the table, even if I want to lay up on it a bit. The goal with the drinking is to one day be able to drink socially but not to excess. I don't want to go to AA and have to abstain for the rest of my life; and if I get pissed I don't want it called 'falling off the wagon'. But I don't want to rely on grog to get me through the days and nights either. My life should hold something better for me than that. Positive thinking.

I don't really know where my life is heading; I want to work but I'm unqualified and my uni isn't going to help that. At this stage of the game, though, I just have to finish it. Not to would be a waste of five years and it would be just one more thing I hadn't finished. If I can just finish it I'll be better mentally- knowing that I can acheive something I've set my mind to. Then, I guess, I'll worry about finding a job after that- I suppose one will come up eventually- though in what field I don't know; or if I'll need further study even. Perhaps I'll end up the most over-qualified unemployable person in Australia (Nah; some doctors are out of work aren't they?). Putting metaphorical pen to paper seems to be helping a lot; when you don't squash your thoughts or feelings - even if you don't express them vocally- they stay out there instead of churning through your mind; racing at a dime a dozen. I have a lot yet to be explored; at the moment I can't even begin to say when this journey will lead- but I hope it's to a happier me.

When I think about it my Hubby is right. Not many people are lucky like us. For a start we have each other; and even when we fight and are miserable we still love each other. Secondly we have a great kid. Thirdly; we all have each other, and even if we aren't as happy as we could be, this life for us is really only temporary. I hope to get better soon. The house won't always be untidy. One day we'll have all the nice things we want. But it's not those things that will make us happy; being together will do that. And loving each other as best we can. So I really should notice when one of my boys do something loving for me. For too long I haven't noticed and just wallowed away. I guess I didn't realise what an impact I have on them. But if I can at least try, then surely I'll feel noticed for all that I do. Perhaps they'll even start asking me how my day's been; I know I always ask them. Maybe they see me as the stable one; the one who runs the house and all the affairs concerning everyone and everything. I guess I like that image but it's hard in reality to get everything done by myself; and it usually is left up to me. I should learn how to ask for help instead of demanding it- but I don't think it's fair that it's mostly left up to me to do it all. I know it's small and I sound like a sook; but when do I have time to be me? I'm the cook, cleaner, driver, picker-up-erer, gardener, vet, shopper, student, lover, mother. Etcetera. My Hubby only has to be Worker. My Son only has to be Student. Why can't I just be Me?