What A RottenThing To Choose...

I always thought that I would be able to write anything down in here.

Now I know differently.

I can't say the word that I'm thinking. It's too terrible. If I ever thought I was depressed before I was only half-right. This has been by far the toughest ever in my life and it's only gonna get worse for the next two weeks as I try to make the biggest and hardest decision in my life.

This is so not fair.

I have so much on my mind but I have to word it carefully so my descendants never know the awful truth about me and what I am contemplating doing. I can't believe I'm even considering it- it's so awful. And yet I can't see any alternative to this problem. What can I do?

I can't lie down and let it happen and I can't Not either. And my Hubby isn't helping at all. He says it's up to me; my choice. It should be a decision we both make. He says he'll be supposrtive either way but I doubt he's capable of being truly supportive like I'll need. He can't even speak to me about it now- how's he going to be when it's over - how's he going to handle me when I'll need even more help?

I'm going to be an absolute mess if I go through with this. I change my mind five times a day; backwards and forwards- and still I can't come up with a decision that I'm happy with or one that I will stick to.

I can't do either.

I know what I'd want if I lived in an ideal world where I was rich and had a big house and an established career- but that's not the case. I'm poor and a Drunk and I haven't got enough room or money and I've got no support and no time to sort shit out in my mind before I have to decide on this.

I can't choose. What a rotten thing to choose. How do people choose these things? How do they live with themselves afterwards? I know I'll hate myself forever afterwards if I go through with this. And who will help me when I feel this great shame and guilt for doing it? I'm going to hate myself and my Hubby will tell me to just get over it and pressure me to feel better but I will never feel better or get over it completly.

I wish things were different. I wish I could do it better and go through with what I want to do- but I'm feeling so much pressure to do the other that it's not even funny. I know it's for the best financially; but emotionally this will kill me and then I'll fail uni anyway and then I'll think that I could've done it anyway because my life will be on hold anyway until I get over my depression.

There are so many reasons to do the Bad thing that I don't want to do. My head tells me them every other minute.

But my heart is breaking, and my soul- if it's possible- is crying out for another solution. And there simply isn't one. My Hubby says we should just concentrate on what we already have and make the best of that; but the price is so high to pay and I don't think I can physically go and pay it. It makes me feel sick to even consider it.

And I know I didn't want to be in this position- but now that I am I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. It's impossible. I know I'm gutless; I always want to avoid pain if I can help it. But this is so different.

How can I do this when I know what I'll be losing?

I know it would be a hard road to take. I know a lot of things would be fucked. But I keep hoping there is a way out of doing this and find a way to make it all work. Why did my Hubby have to name It?

I've been stressed all week; and making those phonecalls was so hard to do. I just feel for every girl who has ever had to do this in their life. I know why everyone I know who's done it has never done it twice. How can I do it at all? How can I let, pay them, to do it to me? How will I feel when it's over? Except for disgust at myself for doing what I thought I could never do?

Nothing stays the same. Nothing will Ever be the same again. Not now. Either way my life is fucked up and completely irreversible. Either way I'll want things differently. What is the greater of two evils to live with? I already know the answer to that one. Not that I think it evil or immoral or anything- it's just not for me. It's not what I want for Myself. I want to do what's right for everybody and me. The other way it's right for the Three of Us and not for me- but how can I justify myself and do this for everybody else and ignore my own self and feelings? Especially when I find the idea so repulsive and bad.

And yet that is the direction that I'm heading in. Basically I've just got to book myself in and actually go through with it and then... what? I don't know what will be after that. I don't think I'll be able to cope with the decision I'll make- If I make it-and I think I'll have to.

I don't want to choose. I wish there was no choice for me; back in the days where there were no options. So the decision didn't have to be made at all- except perhaps by a coathanger or a hefty dose of castor oil. How will I face people cheerfully when I already feel like I'm dead emotionally? I've gone over everything in my mind a million times over and over, turning over every obstacle and every positive aspect that this whole scenario presents to me. I don't know that I will be able to live with the guilt; actually, I know that I won't.

The worst thing is that this will be the Only other one. I'll never be in this place again; even when I've finished uni and got a job or whatever. I'll never be here again. I know I'm only twenty seven but if it's not now it really is Never; and I'm going to regret this forever because of that.

This makes everything else I've ever been through seem so pitiful and small and benign and stupid it's almost funny; considering the way I act and think and deem things on the Important Scale. Nothing will ever impact on me like this; except for the death of somebody I love who is already alive.

Nothing really matters Except for this. It's so big I can't even grasp it, or get my head around the implications of what it'll mean to me. What am I going to do? How do I choose this- little me? How do I make a decision this huge without knowing the outcomes? Even as a Philosopher I can't make sense of the arguments for and against. I've put off writing in here for over a week because somehow just writing it down makes it all real and I'm not ready yeat to face reality- though I'm gonna have to. Soon.

I wish I was sleeping and this was just a nightmare. I've never been so afraid in all my life . I'm scared of both scenarios. I'm worried I'm making choices for the wrong reasons- because even though I dread doing this I reckon it's the only choice I have to make.

I can't speak to anyone. My Hubby won't speak to me. He's pretty much avoiding the entire topic, and even when I bring it up only answers in monosyllabic grunts. And I told him the other day he'll have to try harder to help me; even if it's just by talking to me about this; or cuddling me without trying for a root. But it seemed to go straight over his head; or else it's the same old story that he won't be told how to act and is merely being defiant.

I'm scared of that too. He thinks that we'll break up because of money troubles if we go ahead with this; but I'm scared we'll break up anyway because he won't deal or cope with my emotions and then I'll feel and wish that I'd gone it alone and taken the chance and just accepted the inevitable that we''ll break up because of this anyway no matter what we do.

This isn't a fix-it solution (what we're planning on doing). It could just make things worse for us. Anyway I've sooked enough for tonight. I'll talk to you again tommorrow maybe.