Same Shit Different Day...

Well; They say two things.

"You don't always get what you want"

and

"Be careful what you wish for; you just might get it."

Can anybody tell me why I wemt out of my way to get my Hubby to want me? What the fuck was his appeal? It certainly isn't what I ended up with at any rate. He is one useless piece of shit and that is being considerate to his feelings (what feelings?). I know what I want from him; it's not so difficult really. I don't think I'm being unfair or unreasonable in my needs. I'm at my wit's end because I know I let him get away with his behaviour. I tolerate it in the hope that it will get better. And it doesn't.

It just doesn't improve at all.

He thinks it's all so fucking funny too, I bet- carrying on like I'm the cause of All of problems; which in a way I guess is true because I don't move out and I tolerate shit that I would tell any other person Not to put up with because they don't fucking have to. Why the fuck do I have to? I don't fucking Want to. I don't like piss in the bed or on the toilet seat that I sit on; he doesn't even realise that he's done it and tomorrow he'll get cut at me for having the shits at him- like it's my fault and I should just get past it.

I can't. He's revolting and I'm still here. It'll happen again and again.

Same shit different day.

My god I sat in his piss for godsakes and okay it's only piss and it washes away but it's more the symbol of what it means- that he's too pissed to consider others- we don't figure into his accountabilility of himself. And when I told him that I will be taking no more phone-calls on a Thursday night I meant it. If he wants to get himself into a drunken state he can but he'll have to get his own way home or sleep wherever he falls because I won't let him get drunker and drunker and stoned and more stoned because he knows he has a lift and doesn't have to face riding his push-bike up the hill. He'll just have to.

The ironic part is when he tells me that he'll just sleep elsewhere- like I'd give a shit. If he wants to sleeep on his mate's shitty couch he's welcome to it-god knows he couldn't get a fuck in the conditions he gets himself into. And if he did good luck to him. I know I care and I'm not past caring about what he does but this is his call. He has to take responsiblity for him self once and for all and be accountable for his actions.

That goes for pissing on places he shouldn't when he's drunk; in bed or wherever else; he doesn't even wash the sheets. I do. And I have to go clean it up now in case our Son wakes up in the middle of night and slips over in the fucking mess.

Fucking arsehole. Who does he think he is? And why the fuck was he checking my underwear (twice) before I went out the other night? For someone who adamantly insists they don't care he's pretty fucking possessive. I've said that before though. He wants me at home and under control even as he says that I can do what I please. I can; I just have to deal with his consequences. He has no consequences for his actions. How's that? I was going to 'fine' him but I can't find his wallet anywhere. It'd be good for him to lose it actually; though the next week will be a struggle financially if he has lost it. But at least he'd have a reaction as a direct result of his behaviour.

So many other people wouldn't be here where I am. They wouldn't accept this shit as their Life. I'm either really strong or I'm really weak. I think it's the latter. I'm afraid to leave; I know that. But I'm also afraid of living like this for the next forty years because I know he won't grow up.

I know that this is forever if I stay.

I can't renegotiate this relationship because he won't accept that he's to blame for any of it. It's just becoming a habit of sleeping on the couch- I know that we'd have seperate beds most of the time if we had a spare bedroom in the house. And I'm so bitter towards him and I can't help it. He's got to give me a reason to stay and believe in the words he tells me when he can be bothered; I need to know that his actions aren't always self-motivated and that our Son and I figure into the equation somewhere.

If I asked him to show me he loved me he'd try and fuck me. I try to understand him but he doesn't give me the same courtesy-ever. Like everything it's just too much bother. No matter how much I do for him- even just trying to cook something different for a change; or being happy for him when he gets home; or just washing his pissy sheets; or picking him up from work on a hot day; or always having a cold beer in the fridge. It's just not enough. He thinks I've given up so he stopped trying too. I do heaps for him; which just makes him take me for granted even more.

The other day I had to tell him to stop 'helping himself' to me. It wasn't me he was trying to please- only himself. And an orgasm isn't the be-all-and-end-all of sex; it shouldn't stop just because someone 'wins' and has an orgasm. The act itself isn't the important part- it's the sharing and giving and being intimate together that matters. And okay- sometimes it's good to just have a really hard fuck but Sometimes all you reallly want is a cuddle or a kiss.

I'm drained. I'm sitting here with my legs up on the table, slumped in the chair and I'm just fucked up.

I'm going to Couch.