Shooting Star...

Well I got a little side-tracked over the past few days. Things have been okay mostly. On the eighth, Friday I think, I didn't make it to uni; don't know how I'm going to get out of that one yet. Instead I decided to do something that I've needed to do for a while - so I joined the library and got some self-help books. They weren't the ones that I really wanted but I've reserved the ones I do want. And I bought this little book. I need to stop supressing my feelings trying not to hurt other people's feelings. That doesn't mean being tactless but if something is bothering me I should get it out; even if it's just on paper. So I'm gonna try and put everything in here, and speak my mind when it's necessary. If I don't and they get all bottled up I think I will lose it. So I have to work through everything in my mind and try to make sense of it all, try and get rid of that Voice and reclaim the power I give it. I don't want it to control my life. I don't. And I'm the one who lets it. Why? I told my Hubby about the voice and cried a bit. I don't think he really understood but it helped me telling him. Keeping the voice a secret is part of it's power. He doesn't trust me not to sleep with someone else; he says he could handle it as long as I told him first and didn't deceive him about it but I don't want that. He said that sex is just an act and doesn't really mean that much- and I wondered if he meant with me, but I didn't ask him. I wonder why he said that; did he mean he wants to sleep with all those other girls that him him up? Cos that would really kill me. He mustn't know how much I love him. I can't stand the thought of him with anyone else; I still get jealous at the thought of him and his ex together and I didn't even know him when they were together. How spastic is that? He probably doesn't trust me because he knows I cheated on my Bastard Ex to be with him. I wish I could make him see that if I had been with him all along then my Ex would never have even been in the picture. Not that I blame my Hubby for not wanting me for those first few years. Who would want me? A single mother with saggy tits? No education. No prospects. At the time I thought my Ex was the best I'd ever get. And when my Hubby came back and wanted to be with me again and was interested of course I went for it. He is my Son's father; the guy I lost my virginity to, my first and only love. I loved him from the second I saw him; Dano can vouch for that. The worst thing is the fact that I went back to my Ex after my weekend with my Hubby, something I regret doing. Not just for myself; I wish I had the self-esteem to tell him I had cheated, to tell my Ex to his face that I'd cheated and that it was with my Son's daddy and that I was going back to him. But I didn't because I was scared of him; sounds stupid to say you'd stay with someone who scared you stupid but I did. Anyway, that's why my Hubby doesn't trust me to speak up about it if anything did happen. I think though if there is one thing I've learnt is that my Hubby won't hurt me intentionally. I don't think I'd have to keep something so big from him because of fear, like with my Ex. When you love someone as much as he loves me and I love him you aren't scared to tell. It doesn't always work in practice as smoothly- my usual way is the silent treatment and expecting him to be a mind-reader; but I accept that doesn't work and I'm gonna try not to do it anymore. Communication is the way of my future (Hah- The Voice). So what else is happening? Hubby and I are getting on okay. I didn't drink much over the weekend or so far this week; one small step in listening to the voice. Haven't read any of my self-help books yet.

Now something that upset me yesterday; the tenth of April. We drove up to the Farm to see Star for the last time before she gets put down later in the week. It was weird, not quite like my story, but rather like our final journey together. Sounds sappy I I know, but that horse used to be my life. As I walked with her I just patted her neck watching her toes tripping along the ground cos her knees can't bend far. I gave her a small feed and some carrots and bun and hay and chaff. We took pictures of her laughing and I gave her a good brush and cut some of her tail to bring home. I swear she knew why I was there, and that made me sad; knowing I had all those years when I just deserted her in a paddock and now I only had a few hours. My Son was sad to, he said he'd only seen her twice in his life; and he cried a little too; asking why she had to be killed. I tried to tell him it was just her time...where have the last fifteen years gone. I still remember the day me and my Sister got her. I wanted to bury her with something but of course I forgot. I might send something up with the money tommorrow.

Anyway; we ate lunch sitting with Star and then it was almost two. My Son wanted to stay up at the yards so I walked just with Star back to the paddock. I didn't even have to lead her, she just followed me as I walked with her head low but with ears pricked. I cried some because this was really it. The last time I would see her alive. She's not dead yet but I won't see her again; and that's a hard thing to know for Real. And it's a certain fact. I will never see that animal again except for in old photos. Never. I wish I had visited more. I really do. I took her in through the gate and I gave her the last bun. She gobbled it up quicker than usual, like she was trying to hurry this parting up. When she finished I took off her halter, and where she would usually have walked away she just stood there and I gave her a hug around the neck and told her I loved her and gave her kiss and said goodbye, about ten times. By now I really was crying; I climbed back through the fence and gave her a final pat on the nose. That was the last time I touched her. I walked away and up the road; when I reached the bend I turned back and she was still watching me at the gate. That was odd. When we drove past she had grazed up the fence line a little. We stopped and took a few more pictures- the last I would see her. Now I wish I had gotten out of the car and touched her again. The last I saw of her was a brown blob in the rear-view mirror and then we were gone. We were both sad. I didn't tell my Hubby about my day; he's been through enough of my moods lately. One day I might tell how I felt when I knew it was the last time I'd see my pony. He only ever thought she was a waste of time, money and space- but she will always mean so much more to me.

Writing about it has helped a little; perhaps this little book is a good idea after all. I'm trying to do as I said, to write about how I feel. Not much has been said about the things that I am grateful for yet; perhaps I'll get to them in time. At the moment there is so much in me that is hurt or hurting that I can't see the real good in my life. I know they exist and I'll try to find them. Better relationships with my Hubby and Son will be the start of my seeing the good things. Feeling better about myself will reinforce it and overpowering the voice will see the survival of me and everything good. You'll see Book. It'll happen one day. Don't know when but it has to. Perhaps one day I'll be able to say I like who I am. Gotta get in touch with myself first. That's my aim. Who am I? Who am I Really?