Thursday, February 21, 2008

Go And Make Love To Yourself...

More time has passed.

His mate gave me an apology but none from my Hubby as yet. I've given up on that score. Why am I writing tonight? Probably cos I'm on the wine and feeling sad. My excuse is that I have three toothaches- I really do but that shouldn't make it alright or be an excuse. I've just been sitting here on the couch as usual feeling sorry for myself; shedding a couple, drinking a couple. The realisation is upon me.

My Hubby will never change.

After his last antics it got worse. He lied again- this time about a girl I went to uni with- Jane- who now works at the pub. He told me that Jane dropped her boyfriend because his mate (the same one) told her that my Hubby has the hots for her. Another lie. I shouldn't worry about her but what do I do now? We certainly weren't friends and she owes me no favours. Anyhow, at least now I know why my Hubby continues to treat me like shit- and that is because I let him. I guess it was the first ultimatum that I gave him that he ignored gave him the permisson to do so.

He only comes home to eat and sleep and fuck. Not to see me. Not to see our Son.Not because he misses us or wants to spend time together as a family. This isn't what I wanted. I wish I was brave like my Sister and Kindred Spirit and just go- but I'm too weak. And things will never change. That hurts to read that. I was raised to be strong but I was also raised to be silent. I play my part too well. When is it my turn? Me and my Son's?

My quote for the day is "Treat her like she wants to be treated and she'll be the person you want her to be" Dr Phil McGraw. Where's my Dr Phil? It's not going to get better unless I leave the situation. Leave my marriage. Where would I go? Would he follow? No. I know he wouldn't. He'd love it if I went away. Then he could fuck around like there was no tommorrow; like he wants to do now but supposedly doesn't because he doesn't want to hurt me. What does he think he does for me? Care for me? Nurture my feelings- my heart? Everything is too much trouble. Everything is My fault; never His. I'm the one who must change- not him. Why? Because it's His opinion- and he's Never wrong; never bad. I must drive him away.

Fuck- I should just give him the keys and tell him to go and make love to himself.

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