For The Millionth And First Time...

Okay; here goes. The five most negative behavioural patterns in my Life and what my 'payoff' is for continuing them.

1. That would probably have to be drinking all night every night. The pattern is this; I am always concious of the time that I can begin drinking- most often it is after I have finished driving for the day, after I pick up my Son and Hubby from work and school; so sometime around four pm I suppose. On Thursdays I have to wait until after Scouts at seven pm and the weekends it can be whenever I wake up unless I have to go down the street for something. However I have been known to have a couple of beers before I pick my Son up, though not recently. I hate it when my Mother wants me to drive my Son over to her house After my drinking time has begun- it feels intrusive on my time even though I can drink more when he's not here. I hate it when it is delayed; valuable time is wasting- time I could be getting drunk.

I always make sure that I have enough wine; that if I wanted to I could physically pass out from the amount I have consumed- that there is no chance that I will run out. I get worried when other people drink my wine; in case there isn't enough left for me- though there always is. When I finally do sit down with my wine I am relaxed ; even before I get drunk, even before the first sip. The whole day has built to this moment. It is the beginning of my day.

I cook dinner because I have to; not because I am hungry but because my Son and my Hubby are hungry. I wouldn't bother if it was just for me. I would stay on my lounge with my wine and the TV. As I write this I am already excited by the prospect of this afternoon, and it is not even eleven am yet. Even though I've been trying to control the amount of alchohol I'm having lately I still long for it. I still have more than four litres in the fridge. It's still there for when I need it.

I won't wash or empty my cup while it still has wine in it because I might need that wine one day and I'd regret tipping it down the sink. I get angry when someone does empty my cup. I am always acutely aware of how much is left in my cup. This behaviour is negative because I focus so much of my attention on it. It is clearly on my mind for most of the day. If not all of the day. I am pre-occupied by it; I don't get anything done. It is bad for my health; my kidneys ache most mornings and I often get sharp pains in them.

On another note, my teeth are rotting; they have disintegrated quite badly in the past few years. They are terribly chipped where I bang them with my cup. If this keeps up I know I'll need false ones within the next ten years.

I can acknowledge that drinking is my comfort zone; it is where I feel funniest, sexiest, most attractive. It is where I am comfortable to talk to other people about how I feel; it is as close to the Real Me as you can get because my guard is down and the mask I wear is partially off. In reality being drunk isn't funny; even if I do funny things when I am drunk. It doesn't look attractive when you are falling all over yourself. It makes you vulnerable. It makes you over-emotional. But I was always boring before I was a drinker. No boys liked me; I didn't even get my first kiss until the first time that I got drunk. And the first time I had sex I was drunk. I've never been comfortable with my body unless I'm drunk; and even then it is only tolerable. My personality sux when I am sober. I'm too quiet with nothing to say. People find me boring. That's my payoff. I think it makes people like me better.

Besides, everybody drinks. If I didn't I'd be some sort of social leper. A lot of the time it helps me forget about things; like relationship troubles, the past with that Old Bastard and how he molested me, Family Crap, money troubles, low self-esteem and unworthiness, feelings of being a non-achiever and a failure; being undesirable and ugly; a bad dresser, shit mother, shit lover. How much of this is a cop-out I don't know. I can tell myself a million times that I'm none of those things and never actually for one second believe myself. Dr Phil reckons I can change it by acknowledging it and by recognising that it's in Me to change them; but how do you really change your whole life of how you've programmed yourself to feel? Is it enough to just say it and not truly believe it? How do you truly believe it?

My final payoff is that it's easier to stay the same than try to change; it isn't working but it's easier.

2. Only up to number two. Shit you have some serious problems girl. This is a hard one but necessary to divulge, I suppose, if things are to get any better. It's to do with how I treat my Son. It hurts to admit it; but I often get angry at him for no other reason that he speaks to me while I am doing something else. All he wants to do is tell me something that is important or funny or sad to him and I have no time or inclination to hear it. I shut him out and if he persists I send him to his room. Why? So I can get some peace. So I can watch the television uninterrupted. So I can drink. I hate seeing his little face all disappointed every time I choose to ignore him. I resolve that I will try to make things better for him the next time; that I will give him time when he wants to talk. I want him to be heard and to feel that he can talk to me. Why do I brush him away? I hate myself when I do it but I do it time and time again. What's my payoff? Well in the immediate it's probably the instant peace. Later I often go to him and say things like "It makes me sad when You don't listen to me. Can You Try and not make me angry next time? It makes me sad to be angry at You." Blame blame blame but put in such a nice sweet manner that the poor kid thinks he's done something wrong; when in reality it's me. How do you explain that to a kid- even one who is exceptionally intelligent? How do you tell them it is yourself that you are angry with but that you take it out on other people who aren't to blame; just because you're unhappy. I don't know how to stop this behaviour. I've been aware of it for some time and always say that next time will be different. The truth is that sometimes we don't even make it to the car after school before it's begun. I don't like to control him; in fact I don't control him- but I persistently try to. I Must decide to conciously listen to him; not block out his thoughts and feelings; must try to answer his questions and acknowledge that it's not him that I am angry with, but with myself. The payoffs aren't so important here. I have to choose not to accept them. I have to; or else my Son is going to grow up resenting me. It's not going to get better on it's own. Is a television programme or cooking or a conversation or drinking more important than my own Son? You see, Buffoon, you already know the answer to that.

Now you just have to prove it to him.