Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Whinge Fest...

Well here I am again; bottling things up as usual. Mostly things are okay but I don't understand myself. I have had the shittest weekend on memory and it's all my own doing. I want my Hubby to spend at least one day of the weekend with me but I've been nit-picking and whinging and pushing him away; so he's been going out with anyone who asks. I just what him to want to do stuff with me; and I know that's unreasonable to him because he's his own person. I wish I had that luxury. I can't even gp to sleep without him being on my case or waking me up. Isn't that a god-given right? To sleep if you are tired? I guess not because I'm forever getting woken up because it's dinner-time or because it's morning or just becauuse I shouldn't be sleeping. I never do that to Anyone.

It's not fair. I get less sleep than everyone put together in this house; and I never wake them pair up. That's been shitting me because my Hubby is so lazy when he's at home; all the time. And I might not have a job but I do work; taking care of my Son or cooking their meals or washing their clothes or whatever. But as usual everything I do is unappreciated. As usual no matter what my Hubby does I should be grateful because I'm allowed to sleep in the same bed as him. Why isn't He grateful that I sleep in the same bed as him? HaHaHa. That's a good one Buffoon.

But I mean really; why not?

Just once I would appreciate him saying that he thinks I'm nice or pretty. He always says that his mates think He's lucky to 'have' me- always him him him- ungrateful shit that he is. He always says how good he is and how worthy. How lucky for him that he doesn't need someone else to tell him. And I may be needy; but if I am my needs aren't being met. So what do I do? The big question.

I could leave but I know I couldn't. I could stop caring that he doesn't acknowledge me but I can't. I could stop doing things so he might appreciate me but I couldn't stand the mess for that long; and anyway he'd just call me vindictive or a stupid messed-up bitch; which is never nice. Geez; what a whinge-fest this is turning into. It may sound trivial but these thoughts and so many more go whizzing around my head all day everyday. I mean- does he even notice that I'm here or is it only when things aren't done or I am shitty that he even notices? Does he care? Apparently he doesn't even like being under the same roof as me if he has an alternative place to be- that much has been proved time and time again. Not that I want him home all the time; I couldn't stand the bickering between my Hubby and Son. I've got two kids and I only mothered one. The other was palmed off to me by his real mother; but enough of a Hubby beat-up for today.

Except for this; I know he'll run off tommorrow with someone to the pub rather than be with me. He's got plenty of money and his mates will ring; and somehow that's more important. My quote for the day is "But no; I am up here, in the hope that you will remember me and want to spend a few moments with me"-Robin Hobb. It may be stupid but getting shit out about how I feel about my Hubby is better than have it build up inside me. I'd tell it to him but he won't listen to me. I'd write him a letter but he wouldn't read it. I've tried a million times to tell him how he frustrates me but I am never heard. So I'll tell you, Book, and the best thing is that you won't cut me down and make my feelings out to be nothing. On the flip side; though it doesn't sound like it right now- I love my Hubby and Son and Family and Friends. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

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