The Many Reasons I'm A Failure...

My new assignment. Write down five things where I've felt the Victim, mistreated or unfairly dealt with and how I was accountable for those things also;

Too easy; the Old Bastard episode. I felt abused because I was sexually abused. It was unfair; and still is because it affects my whole life still. Well; I may be accountable because it wasn't just once. I should have told my Parents; or not gone again. I should never have gotten into his car. I should have insisted I went home with my Sister on Tristan. I am still accountable because I let it affect my life. It affects my sexual relationship with my Hubby. It still causes me to become depressed. When I see an old man crossing the street I look twice and dream that if it was him I'd run him down. I imagine telling the police why I ran him down- telling them what He did to Me. But it is me who continues these thoughts. I don't know if I can put them in the past where they belong; but I know I can't change the past. I don't like to dwell on it; I regret that I didn't stop it. I regret not speaking up. And it's because of this regret that I can't stop beating myself up; because I should've been able to speak up. No; that's not right. In an ideal world I would have. In my world, when I was just thirteen, I couldn't have. Well I guess I could've- but I Didn't. And there is nothing that I can do about it now. So if I can't forget about it then maybe I accept that it's happened and try and move on- because if I don't then he still gets his way. He still has my power. And I need it more.

Okay; Life's Unfair. I can't be a vet anymore. It was all I ever wanted since I was a kid. I worked so hard at school so I could give myself the best possible chance at doing well in the HSC; and so I could gain a uni position. I saved all my money from my part time job so I could pay my own way through uni; I really wanted it so bad. I am accountable. I dropped out of school in year eleven. I didn't work hard at Physics or Chemistry, or in fact any of my classes. I robbed myself. It had nothing to do with the teachers. It had nothing to do with the half-yearly exams. I could have continued and tried my hardest. I could have repeated year eleven. But I didn't; and I didn't achieve perhaps the only thing in life that I've ever really wanted. I will never be a vet now and it is all my fault. By quitting year eleven I set myself up to drop out of everything if there was a chance I would not make it. The pattern continues; I dropped out of TAFE, a typing course, my job at the Ice-Creamery, the racecourse and at the Crazy Swedish Bitch's, my traineeship and numerous courses at uni. And I did all that through a fear of failure through lack of application. I don't believe I want to fail; I just have to learn to apply myself to a task again.

Becoming a Mother at a young age. I guess this one is on the fence. I am accountable because I chose to sleep with my Hubby. I chose to chase him all over the pubs and stalk him. If my life has less prospect it is not because of my Hubby and Son. I chose not to insist on condoms. I chose to give birth rather than have an abortion. I chose to keep my baby; and I am glad that I did- for although it may seem as if I have narrowed my life's hopes and aspirations; he has really opened up my life for a whole other set of possibilities. I would never choose to be how I was again; would never choose not to see his smile or his face. Even when I am most sad/mad I never wish him not to be there. He really is my life. I want him to be happy with his Father and I. I don't like being a dictator; I hate having to curb his behaviour. I hate saying 'I said so' without giving any real reason. I hate upsetting him, or making him cry, or sending him to his room just because I can't cope. I hate the feelings of relief I get when I do. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge it says, but it hurts to admit this. It hurts us all though, if I don't.

Problems between me and my Hubby. Ahh... the silly idea that Alistair and I were kissing on the couch. Why would I? The tension that exists after we fight where we both ignore each other for days and never talk about it; how that makes me feel. I am accountable because I confront him at the wrong times; when he or I am drunk; when he is asleep; when we are angry. I should learn to walk away from his hurtful words and realise he doesn't mean what he says any more than I do in the heat of the moment. I am accountable because I am too scared to confront him afterwards in case we start arguing again. I don't know how to make him listen. I need to get him to listen without arguing. It's so easy to say that he needs to trust me at my word; or to let the past be the past; but I'm not here to work on what he might need to do. I have to recognise that it is the things that I do that affects the outcome of our disagreements. I can choose how I will react but I can't choose what his reaction will be. I have to give up the idea that I am always right and that he is always wrong; as even as I wrote that I still believe it to be true. I think the idea here is to try something different; change tactics. There's nothing to lose and everything to gain, if we can at last understand each other and leave all the disappointment and hateful words of the past behind. We love each other; so how we are going about showing it to each other is wrong. And I don't mean Every moment; but every fight that we have that never gets resolved comes back to haunt us; and that sickens and weakens my resolve to fight for our love.