No Wonder I Drink...

Why are you so quick to judge me as a liar all the time Hubby? I justify myself because you make things up in your head and then believe them- no matter what I say.

If you are so committed to staying together then why- during the first fight we have had since going to counselling- did you revert to your usual insults- fuck off/your a mental bitch attitudes? Why wouldn't you listen to my side before judging me to be a liar or a fuckwit?

Why do you care if Twinkle Toes rings M? Is it because you want her for yourself?

The issue is that YOU came home drunk after being at the pub all day- wanting a fight with Bloodnut; and you didn't get one with him so you picked one with me. I only drank lite beer all day- see Psychologist Lady- I can adapt. I went home. I wasn't drunk.

He was.

He jumped to the wrong conclusion and then believed it- no matter what I said I was just lying. He tried to manipulate everything I said and thought I was changing my story every five seconds.

The point is I can text who I like.

The point is I wasn't texting Twinkle Toes I was PHONING M- the phone was on my ear the whole time for fucksakes. Neither M or Twinkle Toes had a problem- just you, Hubby. M even said I was doing the right thing by phoning her before giving out her number to him. And she can tell him she's not interested if she wants. She doesn't need you or me for that.

Even if Iwas texting Twinkle Toes- so fucking what? I can talk to who I like- and that will include Twink even After we break up- which I'm now fairly certain that we eventually will.

No amount of counselling is going to get you to admit to me that you are mentally abusing me. YOU have a problem- you get jealous for no apparent reason and you are possessive and controlling. I can't do what I like- I can't even speak without being told that I am fucked. That's mental abuse, Hubby, and I don't fucking deserve it.

That's the part that needs changing- and you need to admit it to yourself and then to me.

Last week your 'only' problem was that I drank and smoked too much and wouldn't come home- what a fucking surprise when home is so fucking awful when you get this way. You are the one who says all the nastiness- you're the one who swears and carries on and threatens to smash my face in. It's not on Hubby. YOU'RE making me mental. YOU'RE fucking me up. I don't want to be with you if you won't change.

You're going to have to stop coming home so drunk and angry and looking for a fight. You orchestrated the whole fucking thing from start to finish- right up to the part where I didn't feel welcome in our bed or want to eat dinner with you.

And then you want to be nice and wonder why I don't wanna speak to you? Because I CAN'T. You don't want to hear the truth- you just want me to confess to all the shit you accuse me of. Well I WON'T. So there. Come to counselling again- and admit you have a fucking problem and we'll see Perhaps- but this ISN'T going to keep happeneing. I don't want you that much that I'll put up with this shit.

It's abuse and it's torment. And I'm fucking over it.

You can't even say sorry or admit when you are wrong and nasty. We'd get on so well if you weren't such an A Grade Moron when you're drunk and angry. You don't even remember what we were fighting about- you're disillusioned and deluded- you're the one who was drunk and having a black-out.

It's not normal how you speak to me. Other people don't ever talk to me the way that you do. You think it's normal to call me fucked and mental. You think it's okay but it's not. Sometimes you are so disgracefully mean and everybody tells me that I don't deserve to listen to it and that you are wrong- about me, about everything- you say when you are mean. I don't know why you keep doing it- surely you realise what it does to me when you accuse me of things I know in my Heart I could never do; things I've supposedly said or done.

You punish me for no reason half the time- you just come home drunk and take your shit out on me. No wonder I drink. I hardly did before I met you; I didn't need to- not even for fun.

You think I'm in denial but I'm not. I remember Every horrible thing you've ever said to me when the only things I've ever called you is cruel and nasty. And you know you can be; you told me yourself on New Year's Eve- unless I'm imagining that too. Didn't you say you wanted to try fighting differently- and that you could leave all the insults out and stop doing it in front of the kids?

I believed every word of it because I really want it to be true. I want you to want me enough to change that part of you who Knows he abuses me. I want that part to fuck right off because I love the rest- and that's why I stay; for Him. It's confusing to live with a person who one day says that they love you and the next tells you that they couldn't care less. And it happens All the time- and it shouldn't.

I don't know what it is about me that angers you so much but if I'm as pathetic as you reckon then why don't you just leave? I know you get mad when I question you- I don't know why you think you know all the answers and that I am automatically wrong.

He thinks I 'fake innocent' and the truth is that most of the time I'm not. Even yesterday he got it wrong again. I wasn't even doing what you thought I was doing- so why should I have to listen to you telling me I Was doing something I wasn't? You've said you Know you are mean sometimes; can you please only get shitty at me when I deserve it? I'll get a job I'll come home and drink lite beer if I have to stay sober long enough to realise that the only life I'm allowed to have is here at home with you and the kids. That's what you want; and that's why you can't even let me walk through that door without punishing me for ever going through it.

What makes you so angry about me? Why do you tell me you want to smash my face in?

The pot and the alcohol are only a symptom for what I'm feeling- I can't stand feeling so fucking awful because of the things you say- and have continued to say since I first met you. Or my Mother. Or because I'm a shithouse mother like you said. Or because I'm a fucking hopeless failure. All I've ever wanted was for you to love me the same as I loved you. From the start you've treated me like I don't matter and not even worthy of knowing your name.

Are you sure it's not You who's schizophrenic?

Why don't you tell me what you are really angry or upset with? Why can't you just speak to me? Why can't you see the person everybody else does?

Haven't I proved to you yet that I'm never going to leave you unless you give me no choice?