I Just Want To Care About Myself For A While...

t's funny how one minute you can be sitting somewhere reasonably content and then shit just hits you and you feel like crap and all worthless. Like now. One minute I'm watching the Allan Border medal on tv (for cricketer's heathens) and the next I have this realisation about what a shit friend I've been to everybody for ages. Like my Kindred Spirit; I haven't even seen her baby yet and he was born last year. And Goof- it was her birthday on the sixth and it didn't cross my mind even once until today. And to my Sister's and Hubby and Son and Parents I've just been one big selfish bitch for about four months now- and feeling so self-righteuos though god only knows why.

My Kindred Spirit will forgive me. And Goof won't care. My Sister's will ignore me as long as I do. My Hubby and Son will continue to suffer. I tell myself that I made a cake with my Son tonight so I'm not so bad; but I've sent him to his room at least three times since Saturday for no reason. He's getting quite testing lately; seeing what he can or can't get away with.

But what the frig is going on with everyone else?

I know myself pretty well even if I deny it most of the time; but I know I'm not pushing people away purely because I've got a heavy year of uni coming up next year. It's not that. It's purely a simple concept that I just want to care about myself for a while.

Which isn't me. I function a whole lot better if I focus on other people and yet I find myself begrudging driving my Son to school or picking my Hubby up from work. How can I do that and yet panic so much at the thought of losing either of them; or any of my friends for that matter? I hate feeling like this but it's almost embarrassing and easy to continue doing what I'm doing because then I don't have to explain to everybody where I've been. I won't have to give them lame excuses about why I won't visit them.

When I think about what a fantastic friend my Kindred Spirit was to me when I first had my Son and he was a baby and she'd visit me every Thursday and bring muffins or an outfit for my baby- or just a smile and a hug and I haven't done that for her. She's got to know somethings up with me.

The worst thing is 'ticking' people off; after I've called them I tick them off and ignore them to the next time I feel guilty. Then they go back on the non-urgent list. Ironically I don't have an Urgent list- my friends and family should be on it and aren't making the cut.

So what's important to me?

I've always said my friends and Family; they're more important than money or clothes or- I was just about to write drinking untilI realised it might not be true. That's why I lie and say that I've had too many beers to go over to my friend's houses when they invite me over; I don't want to have to stay sober long enough to drive home because that'd interfere with my drinking time.

god I'm a cow.

So I take another swill and push my friends and family away with the hand that's not holding a beer or wine or glass of bourbon. I'm chugging them down now; hence the articumalation. Even though the beer is hot. Even though it's late and I'm pretty tired I want to stay up to make up for last night. Funnily enough I had period pains last night even though I am so adamant that I've never had them before in my life. Now I know why I can't remember having them. I know why I didn't have morning sickness when I was pregnant also. I wasn't sober long enough.

And I know why people try and persuade me not to drink as much as I do. Especially my Mother. My friends even congratulate me when I tell them I've had an easy week on the piss.

Still chugging warm beer. It's never been about the taste; rather the effect that it brings- and the lack of bad dreams. It's weird that someone should wake up feeling better After a night on the beer but it does happen. The dreams are too intense otherwise; and I'm not as tired in the mornings because I've basically blacked out all night. I've lost track of the times I've woken up and my Hubby is next to me in bed and I had no idea he'd even gotten home; and it could've been just anybody wandering into my house or room or bed.

Chug Chug.

I know What to do to make sure this never happens. Yuck. It's a sobering scenario.