I have just had a revelation of sorts- I just hope it it's not too late to have learnt it; and hope that what I keep on doing hasn't fucked things up irrepairably for me and my Hubby.
Hubby. How I love him. Even when I'm being a total cunt to him I love him so much. I think I'm a total bitch- and he knows I'm one. Everyone else thinks I'm nice- I think- but he knows I'm not nice- and he still loves me anyway.
That's my revelation.
I can be so mean to him when things don't go my way. I don't think I conciously decide to be mean but I am. I'm a spiteful and malicious drunk. I always thought of myself as a happy drunk; but I know now that I'm not. The shit that comes out of me is terrible. So here I am with the same dilemna- because how or why would I give up drinking?
I can't imagine it. I've tried cutting down but I always end up having too much anyway because I can't make myself stop. I won't let my Hubby tell me when to stop either. I could lie and say that the next time he tells me I've had enough I'll go home; but I know that if I don't want to go home I won't go home; and so we'll argue and then I'll be mean trying to get him to walk out and leave me there to drink more without getting hassled out about it.
It's the same shit all the time; and he does a lot for me really. Like spending time with me; giving me the remote; scratching my back when I ask him too. And even though he doesn't condone me drinking as much as I do he doesn't hassle me out as much as he deserves to. It's funny that all the time I complain that no one understands or knows me I've forgotten that He knows me- even if he can't understand most of me.
I'm pretty fucking lucky really. I don't deserve him. The shit he puts up with- no one else would.
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