I Am Your Stalker...

Back again. Was having a good day. Read my story to the class- very petrified and nervous dry-mouthed but I did it. The worst thing was the laughter and the commentary afterwards. I spose I should've said it was about Me but I couldn't. Not to a room full of strangers. It wasn't about a achizophrenic-it was my story; how I felel; what I think; what I believe. The most interesting thing that was probably said wsa that it sounded like the Reason enjoyed being there; kept asking for it; never attempted to shut up the Dribble-Voice; would probably miss the voice if it were gone. That last point is probably true.

Me and Loz have often said that the voice is what sets us apart from everyone else; what makes us unique. Who we are. What would I be without it? I hate it but it's apet of who I am. Do I really want to let it go?

Heaps of other stuff on my mind as usual. In brief; Charlie is going to die soon-probably in the next two weeks. In a way that is worse than Star. I couldn't even go and saygoodbye to him. My Sister doesn't understand.

My Hubby pissed in the sink tonight all over the dishes. My pulse started racing; What am I doing here? Why does he brush me off like I don't matter? Doesn't he see he is worse than me at my drunkest? He breaks my fucking heart every day. Should continue on with Dr Phil's assignment;at this point maybe a letter to my Hubby is warranted. What I would say; or wish had been said- if either of us were to die Today. Here goes.

Dear Hubby; so much between us was left unsaid. I don't think that either of us really got what we needed or wanted from the other; we just did what we thought was best at the time. If I could do it all again I think I would change how I reacted to you sometimes. I'd want to let the small things slide; like when you came home late or pissed in the sink or the bed; or never asked me how my day was. I always wanted that.

I'd want you to know that however frustrated at you I was that I always loved you- if I didn't I wouldn't have carried on so much; wouldn't have fought for your love all the time; wouldn't have asked you to Prove it to me all the time. I never gave you enough credit; you weren't always right but you were certainly never always wrong. I always knew that you loved me even when you had trouble showing me. I never doubted that what you did all day was to benefit you, me and our Son. You have trouble showing us you love us but I know you do; for the most part you are a good father and Husband. If you were to die I doubt that I'd ever really get over it.

I would miss your funny smile; your can-opener tooth; the pony-tail above your arse; your wiry head; your laugh. I would miss your face; hearing you say you loved me; your hands; mouth; tongue. Most of all I would miss not seeing you every day- Knowing that I would never see you again as long as I lived. It will be a lonlier life without you. I would especially hate it if the last time we had spoken was after we had a fight; if that is ever the case know that as soon as we have stopped fighting I am sorry for the mean things I say to you. I only say mean things because I love you and you frustrate me to strangulation point. If I die now at least know that I loved you when I died; You know that to be true.

I will never leave you. I am your Stalker. Love Always.