This Life...This Lie...

I've sunk to yet another low.

Seven beers just wasn't enough tonight. Seven should be plenty but it's so hot- even now I'm sweating my arse off away from the fan. So what did I do?

When my Sister and her husband came up from Canberra I took a cask of wine over to my Parent's house. I drank most of it that night; but the next day my Father dropped off what was left. He left it sitting on my front verandah which is where it has sat since- nearly eight weeks now I suppose.

Anyway; eight weeks of sitting in the sun and having cockroaches crawl in and out of the box as I opened it weren't enough to deter me I'm afraid. I'm drinking the shit now. What's next- a slop bucket at the pub? I probably would if it were free. I've got one eye on my Hubby who is asleep on the lounge; the drink is hidden on the floor and out of sight should he wake up and go to bed.

I know how disgusted at me he would be; at least if he just wakes up and sees me writing he'll think I finished my last long-neck of beer hours ago. It'll be hard to explain my breath though- he knows I haven't bought any wine for ages. Certainly he'd know there is none in the fridge.

You should have seen me lifting up the screen door so it wouldn't squeak and wake my Hubby up; so he wouldn't catch me; so he wouldn't be disgusted and disappointed in me. I must want to die or something because I know what I'm doing to my body. I know what it means when my kidneys ache every morning; and those arse pains and blood can't be good for me either. I know I look for the easy way out of things- it's so much easier.

My future will be the same as my present unless I change it.

And I don't know if I want to.

I don't want to die and have my Son grow up without me ; but I do want to be the first to go out of everybody I know and love. I don't want to live my life without the people that I love; especially my Hubby and Son- or my Parents or my Sisters or friends. I don't know what my future is- I'm in some sort of limbo where I can't feel anything much at all. I'm just numb; and even when I'm sober the same is true.

I can't be happy or sad unless someone else is happy or sad. I'm emotionless in a sense, even though I'm full of emotion that I can't express. That's why I'm looking at my Hubby before reaching down to grab this glass of crap hot shit that I so desperatly wanted. But I can't let him know how bad I wanted it cos it'll never be the same. I know that he loves me and he'd be on my case not to drink. I don't even have the energy to give him the same consideration. Maybe I just know that if he knew the extent of my problems he wouldn't even care if I changed or not- but maybe that's just my insecurities talking again?

I don't know. I don't pretend to know but I need answers.

I hate not going anywhere in my life. I'm at such a standstill and can't get up- no wonder I panic about people in my life dying before I do. Deep down I know I would never cope and would just lose the plot. I don't want them to die for the wrong reasons- not becauuse I'd miss the relationship with them or their company but that I wouldn't be able to cope with the loss. I'd probably flip out and never come back from 'whence I went'.

Is that the ultimate selfishness?

Can't wait til tomorrow; payday. New beers, Bowling Club, same shit but with money.

I want to go to bed now but I don't want to waste this shit. I'll regret it when it gets poured down the sink.

I hate this life. This lie.