Dr Phil... Online...

Here I am again. It's a quiet night at home; my Son is reading a book out loud in bed and my Hubby is watching a video. I've never written in here in front of him. I wonder if he wonders what I am up to?

At this point Dr Phil wants me to write about my Fixed Beliefs. I think they are going to be very similar to my negative thought's list- but here goes anyway. I do not question my belief that;

I am physically ugly. Even when people say that I am not I do not believe them. The Voice tells me that they are only being polite; they can't possibly mean what they say. I think it every time I look in the mirror. My face and tits repulse me- as do my teeth and smile.

I can never be the true Buffoon because people might not like me then. They are used to who I am now. I have to keep my guard up so people can't see the real me. They wouldn't like the real me- who is often uncaring selfish and self-absorbed. The real me is confident and doesn't put up with being treated like shit. The real me isn't a doormat. The real me is sexually adventurous and curious; a far cry from the frigid being I often am. The real me wouldn't even be considered as trustworthy, although I am- my behaviour would be erratic yet controlled. The real me would do things spontaneously and without reserve. The real me wouldn't hide all the time.

Number Three. It is my fixed belief that I am an alcoholic. One drink is never enough. I'm always the last one up drinking. I always want to go to Town to continue drinking. I convince other people that they want to keep drinking with me; or try to. It is my fixed belief that if I give up drinking I will get sick from the flu or something worse; because my immune system is only being held together by my drinking. How funny is that?

Today is a good one to demonstrate this thinking.

I haven't had a drink since Friday night and I am sick. I ache all over; especially my head and neck. I'm cold too, and have only just gotten out of the bath. My throat is sore and my head is fuzzy. I don't remember the last time I went two days without a drink; it has to be a good six or seven years. How do you get rid of a fixed belief that to all extents and purposes rings true? I don't know. I'm sick today but I'll still want to drink tonight. I probably won't though because my Hubby knows I'm sick. If he didn't know I would drink anyway.

So there we have it; I am an alcoholic.

It is my fixed belief that I am a jinx; bad luck; bad karma; unlucky to have around. Nothing good comes when I am around. I stopped the cricket at the SCG; I bring the rain- bad weather. If I am around other people when they are betting on the horses or Keno or the pokies they always lose their money. I win never win Lotto, or a jackpot or a measly Trifecta. Just when things are going okay a massive bill always comes in; or my car breaks down. Christ- two broken engines in five months has to be some sort of National record. I never have good luck in relationships either; even my Hubby's usual luck has run sour since he started going out with me. How does one stop this negative thinking? That's a good question; but with my luck as it is I'll never know the answer.

It is my fixed belief that my Hubby can not, and does not want, to understand me. What if he understands more than I realise but doesn't know how to cope with how I am; so he more or less shuts me out? I know when we first got back together everything was peachy; nothing the other did was bothersome or habitual but cute or quirky. Why doesn't he take an interest then, in my feelings, or my day, or my Life? If he did understand me he would Know that I need that sort of imput from him to feel good about everything. Wouldn't he? What am I missing here?

There is a point that I am missing- maybe I'm forgetting to try to understand him. Hang on; I think I do that all day long. I must be doing it wrong- just assuming what he thinks or feels; but at least I do try to understand him. Perhaps he tries too, but if he is it's certainly a passive approach. I think I secretly crave that he just ask me directly. Ah what a dream that would be.
"How are you feeling" and to be able to honestly answer Like Shit or Fucking Crazy or A Bit Mental Today But Thanks For Enquiring None The Less. Maybe even Good Thanks Honey. One day. Perhaps.

My Son had his music exam today; we find out if he passed this afternoon. I'm gonna buy him a cake and make my Hubby eat some- because I know that he has passed. My clever boy!