I Am Poison...

Silly me left the computer open- no doubt my Hubby saw that last drunken slur. At least I wasn't bagging him out this time.

I hate my life.

I've been crying watching a soap-opera wedding on tv. Why? Because two fictional characters can be happy and I'm not. I need a good scriptwriter too. I'm desperate for a better life- I'm sick of this Shit.

I'm an ugly ugly girl. I can't help it. I want out of this shit. I wish I was brave and could just check out. It's stupid to say that- it's just more depressing to think that way but I crave silence from this Voice. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help myself. I can't help feeling this way.

I sicken myself. I sicken my Hubby. I sicken my family. I sicken everybody and everything.

I am poison.

This is my Life; my legacy. And I hate it. I hate myself. Why would anyone like me; love me? How could they? They don't even know me. Who am I; what do I want; why do I deserve what I am; what did I do in my past live to end up like this? I'm cruel and nasty- no one knows how bad I am. I'm surprised I got this far in life without everybody leaving me.

I think that's what I want the most.

Absolute silence and a large bottle of Wild Turkey and a full deck of smokes.

Fuck food. Fuck sex. Fuck company.

Fuck everybody.

Just me and an ocean and a view of nothing in particular and no one judging me or making demands or having expectations.

Fuck my responsibilities.

Fuck it all.