Midnight...

No pubs open. Where is my Hubby? Silly question really- probably out fucking around. Definitely with his Mate- the 'new girl' in my Hubby's life. I just want someone to talk to.
My Friends are too busy; one's out of town, another's too tired and the other one doesn't like me calling after ten at night. My Sister's too happy to hear my shit. My Hubby- well he can't be bothered to even be here let alone to hear my shit.

It's just you and me blog. My Son's gone to sleep already.

What the fuck is that phone number that my Hubby was so keen for me not to see? Okay; he might not have asked someone for their number; or even use it- but if it it is a girl's number then why the fuck did he accept it, put it in his wallet and bring it home with him?Okay it might not even be a girl's number- there could be a perfectly logical explanantion. But I know how he feels about impressing the Boys; how their opinions count some much more than my feelings, or our so-called life together.

It's pathetic; that's what it is.

I try to trust in him and believes what he tells me; but how can I when he readily admits he wants to be with other women and that he's only waiting for me to be busted so he can do it? He doesn't trust me. Where does he think I go? I'm here with our Son while all those girls at the pub obviously think my Hubby to be single. And why wouldn't they? They see him all by himself all the time; never a sign of Me around. I bet he doesn't even tell them about Us. I bet he just laps up all the attention.

He's so full of himself when his mates are around; he probably shows off to the girls or tries to be witty. Probably buys them drinks-more than likely pays for sex. How can two of them be out this long on only fifty dollars between them?

He didn't even eat the dinner I made him and it was really nice too.

Twelve fifteen. He should be home by now. Things aren't always bad. I know I only write when I'm feeling down and there's no one around. What is he up to? Why is he so secretive about shit? Like why is he seeing women in their swimmers at the beach and commentating on that? When does he get the opportunity for that? And Where? And Why?

Christ- I run around in the nude for godsakes and he's not interested. The only time he is interested in me is when I'm not interested in him. He didn't come camping. He didn't even ask if we had a good time. And when I told him had won the Miss Nude Beach Girl of 2000 he said how embarrassing and who did I have to fuck to win that? He's obviously a perve himself.

I'm not going to bed until he's home. I don't care how late it gets. But where the fuck is he anyway? I might have thought down at the League's Club but his Mate was only wearing thongs- unless they stopped by at his house to change. But they have no money anyway- unless they've gone to someone's house, or being shouted beers?

All this shit is just zooming around my head. I don't know what I feel; though I am on the verge of crying my eyes out or falling asleep or drinking til I pass out. This sucks. That phone number was not written in his handwriting. And it's not on a scrap of torn paper; it's all neatly cut out by some stupid bitch who doesn't realise he's Taken because he hasn't told her. And I can't even blame this hypothetical bitch; although I'd have to hate her if I ever find out who she is- because I would've done the same thing myself a few years ago. I can't blame them if they think my Hubby is cute. I do too. He just thinks he's a bigger person if he has chicks fawning all around him- he even said to me once that it makes him feel as if he's still Got It.

god I'm a fool.

I give him all these ultimatums that he just breaks- in his bid to win power or something. Like Don't go to the Clubhouse. Oh; okay- you can go for a visit, but just don't get a motorbike and join the Club; yeah alright- but please don't fuck other women; oh okay but just don't leave me and our Son for them blah blah blah fuckity.

Everything that I ask or demand he denies me. He's lazy. He's selfish. He snores. He stinks. And you know what? I still love him even when he gives me no reason to.

Twelve thirty. He's gotta be at the Club or at his mate's or some chick's house. He probably won't even come home. He probably knew he wouldn't come home when he left. He's probably gone and had had an Ecstasy pill. He's probably got his tongue down some young thing's throat.

I think I hear his mate's motorbike. They'll probably come in for cones now. My Hubby will pick at his dinner and announce that he's not hungry; but thanks for making it anyway.

More crap to deal with.