I Crawl To Him...

Just being negative in general is part of me.

I don't believe myself to be overly attractive or overly intelligent. I am a travel jinx; I am fearful of people's judgements and opinions. I don't believe that I could quit smoking or stop drinking. I am a total pessimist. The glass is always half-empty. I don't expect that things will ever get any better than they are because I don't deserve good things. Perhaps I am being punished from a past life; perhaps my karma sucks. I think that people try to take advantage of my kindness. I don't consider that people like me for me because- let's face it- they don't even Really know who I am because I never let them in.

The pattern to this thinking probably starts when I am faced with the prospect of change. It scares me to change. I don't like it. It's easier to stay the same. I hate moving house; making new friends; confronting new times. I like to say in bed at home. I am jealous of people who can make the change, like my Hubby.It scares me to get out of my routine. It's amazing I went away to Cairns; I'll never move from my Town; would never leave my Hubby even if he bashed me everyday- because in doing so gives the assumption, I suppose, to everybody around you that if you are looking anywhere else than where you are- then you have failed where you are. I don't see things like that as an adverture, but an admission of failing what you are doing. And it's easier to stay than admit that. That's my payoff. Plus I can take comfort in the belief that because I don't expect anything to change, I'm no worse off when things Don't change. If you have no expectancy it doesn't hurt so much to lose; especially if you were the other way round, and wanted and dreamed and expected. When you lose Then you lose so much more. So much worse.

Not knowing the best time to approach my Hubby about our arguments; if there is such a thing as a 'best time' for that. After an argument the pattern is usually something like this. At first we are both still angry. Sometimes I will not even go to bed but will sleep on the couch. I have slept there for up to three days. During the time we are awake conversation is at the minimal; yet all the while my mind is churning about things that I want to say; points that I want to make; things I didn't get to say during the argument- or things I wish I hadn't said. It is about the three day mark that I realise my Hubby isn't going to be the one who tries to sort it out; I have waited up to eight days and there was still no hint that he wanted to make up. So I do; because I am afraid that if I don't we will break up or that he'll find someone else- or even worse- that we will continue on like that forever; sharing the same house and bed and nothing else. So I do what I have to do. I crawl to him.

When I go to bed I snuggle up close to his back-he is never turned away frome me usually; and put my arm over him. Once I have given in like that he generally rolls over and we have sex. Afterwards when we have our cigarette I feel grateful that we are still together but always a little resentful that I back down Every time. It is always me who gives in. At that point we have still not discussed the problem that led us to this point; it is just generally accepted that it was my fault for bringing something up, or for confronting him at the wrong time- which is always I might add. And because these arguments are never discussed rationally or calmly they never go away either; and we find ourselves six years down the track of being back together and this whole festering argument comes back to haunt us time and time again. It has never been resolved; it just grows bigger and has more things tacked on to it as we go. I can't help but bring it up sometimes. I want it to go away and it won't unless we discuss it. Sometimes it's something in me that he perceives as wrong or bad that sets an argument off. Sometimes we seem to be getting on great and then someone disagrees and it's all drug back up to the surface. It's dangerous and damaging. He often scares me when he yells at me. I think that we can't possibly go on like this but somehow we do; inch by inch. I don't know how or why. What's my payoff? I don't know. I hate fighting with him. I hate the things we say to each other. I hate feeling pushed aside. I hate to think I don't matter. I hate to think he doesn't love me anymore. I hate to think we'll never be together again. My payoff- in backing down- is that we do stay together; albeit tenuously. I suppose I get quick gratification (sometimes) when we have make-up sex; but generally the make-up sex is quick and one-sided. More often than not I am still confused about the argument, and still angry and bitter; so I just let him do it to me so we're back together and then just let him snore away to sleep afterwards. I don't particularly like the fact that it is my body that he can accept but not my feelings or opinions.

So what is my payoff? Knowing that as long as we are together I don't have to move home to Mum's house? Don't have to admit to a failed relationship? Probably something like that anyway.

If I had time for a big five here it would basically be about how I am always agreeing to do things I don't really want to do. My payoff here is that people think I'm a nice kind person but it just makes me angry that I can be manipulated so easily into doing things I don't want to do. More about that later.